IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN!

Why they don't let me teach Jr High Social Studies

2012-01-23T22:39:00.001-06:00

Chapter 15 Study Guide

Key terms, people, events, places:

1. Serfs: Rides the ocean waves on a long board.

2. Humanism: Belief in the existence of humans -- "A human is, um..."

3. Imperialism: Going to Burger King in ancient Rome.

4. Czar: The wrong way to spell "car."

5. Communism: People can catch your disease.

6. Athens: Where people who hate chickens direct their anger.

7. Feudalism: Belief in fighting and arguing.

8. Industrial Revolution: Spinning dusty businesses.

9. Textiles: An ancient style of instant-messaging using squares of stone or ceramic.

10. Alliance: 100% of iance.

11. Westernization: Creating a world filled with cowboys.

12. Vladimir Lenin: Lead singer for the Russian Beatles.

13. Dictator: A bossy spud.

14. Cold War: Battle for control of the thermostat in December.

15. Destructive Nationalism: Burning someone else's flag.

Answer the following:

16. How was Alexander the Great able to spread Greek culture throughout the world?

      Facebook, of course.

17. What ancient civilization did we inherit the idea of an organized system of written down laws from?

      Grammar Nazis?

18. During the Renaissance, how did the formation of the middle class cause monarchs not to need the help of feudal lords?

      People used to fight during lunch hour, so they needed feudal lords to make rulings on who the winners were. Then, they developed a middle class. It took place between morning and afternoon classes. It kept people too busy for feuds.

19. How did science change during the Age of Revolution?

      Spelling. It used to be spelled "syints."

20. How did Peter the Great and Catherine the Great westernize Russia?

      They imported more John Wayne movies.

21. What was the Russian Congress called, and which czar was forced to instate it?

      "Congressnik." Czar Boris the Badenov had to create it, to "stop moose and squirrel."

22. What form of government did Vladimir Lenin bring to Russia?

      Popsiclism: rule by frozen treats.
*****

See Why they don't let me judge the Science Fair.

"The Brain That Wouldn't Die" Comic

2012-01-19T11:25:00.002-06:00

Just for the record, not all of us Brains-in-jars are related, but there's something about this one that I'm simply mad about! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAaaaaaa!

Of course, it's 1954, so he can't expect cable or dish, but still--rabbit ears!

THE HORRORS OF IT ALL: The Brain That Wouldn't Die : Not to be confused with the cult classic B-film from 1962 of the same name, today's tale from the January 1954 issue of Web of Evil #10 makes a gloriously revolting mess of science as only pre-code horror knew how.

This classic, pre-code horror comic has a great twist ending!

Tempted to buy for a Church Christmas display

2011-12-14T09:53:00.000-06:00

You have probably seen this Playmobil brand nativity set toy somewhere. I saw this one at Barnes & Noble the other day.

Why the "Allen's Brain in a Santa hat logo? Because I saw something being sold on the same table with this Nativity. It was also by Playmobil, and it was actually intended for a different Christmas "market" set, but--

Well, anyway, the big (?) reveal...

Yup, Sanity Claus, a snowman, and some toys! So want to buy 'em both, and set the supplementary Seasonal figures up in the stable. Give Jesus a teddy bear. Or replace him with the teddy bear, to see if anyone notices. Kringle's already on the box label, anyway (lower left corner.) Maybe I could make them Magi, bearing gifts of plush, soccer, and dolly! I could add my crash test dummy action figure as the third, if we MUST have 3.

Now I just need a teeny menorah!

So Joseph also went with Mary to be taxed...

2011-12-12T10:01:00.000-06:00

A Few More Of My Favorite... Cynical Seasonal Songs

2011-12-09T11:26:00.000-06:00

Classics, these:

-The 12 Pains of Christmas – Bob Rivers
Chances are, you’ve been hearing this on your radio station for years, but it never fails to make me smile. It’s a 12 Days of Christmas parody. My favorites? “Rigging up the lights,” “5 months of bills,” and a dead-on Archie Bunker impression with “Hangovehs.”

-Green Christmas – Stan Freberg
More of a skit than a song, Green Christmas paints Ebenezer Scrooge as president of a Mad Men-era ad agency. Every product must have a Christmas tie-in. Naturally, Bob Cratchitt objects. Many cute brief carol parodies ensue, including, “We wish you a merry Christmas, and please buy our beer!”

-Christmas Carol – Tom Lehrer
“On Christmas day, you can’t get sore. Your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to rob him all the more, the other three hundred and sixty-four!”
“Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and buy!”

Ingenious satire. Also, give a listen to his delightful “I’m Spending Hanukkah In Santa Monica.”

-Seventy-Seven Santas – Gayla Peevey (youtube)
Yes, THAT Gayla Peevey–the girl who wanted a hippo for Christmas. She counted 77 Santas around her town yesterday, and dreams of what it would be like if they ALL came down her chimney and each brought what she asked for. How sad for her parents that they only had one Santa Claus growing up! It’s the same sort of good-natured childhood innocence that made “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” a success.

Of course, the best-known cynical Christmas classic is “(No Place Like) Home For The Holidays” (From Atlantic to Pacific, Gee the traffic is terrific!)

Not quite so vintage, but a few new favorites:

-Christmas Griping – R.E.M.
Apparently, R.E.M. used to release special Christmas cuts for their fan club members. This is one of them. Thudding tribal-esque drums back members of the band waxing cynical about their least-favorite features of the holyday season. Most memorable is the “Boom-shaka-laka-laka, Ho-ho-ho” chant, which I have as my ringtone presently.

-Toy Packaging – Sara Groves
Gasp! A Christian singer with a cynical Christmas song. Pretty funny, actually, about a frustrated mom trying to get toys extracted from all the plastic, wire and zip-ties that packages most of them nowadays. "Nothing makes me lose my cool like toy packaging!"

These Are A Few Of My Favorite... Cynical Songs Of The Season

2011-12-08T08:08:00.001-06:00

I know. I know. It’s Advent, and I’m not supposed to listen to Christmas music. This isn’t Christmas music. This is anti-commercialized-season music. This is music for Bah Humbugs.

-This Year’s Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt.

Everybody’s heard the original holiday greed classic, "Santa Baby." If you’ve only heard the one by Madonna or (eesh!) Kelly Pickler, you must go straightaway and hunt up the original! “This Year’s Santa Baby” is the same tune, and Eartha sexily purrs through her latest shopping list, because everything she got last year is either broken or out of style. Among her outrageous requests are “most of the Florida coast” and “the Queen Elizabeth.”
youtube download mp3

-Christmas Can-Can – Straight No Chaser

From their second Christmas cd, "Christmas Cheers," the accapella group that made it big with their brilliant mash-up of the 12 Days of Christmas--with, among other things, Toto’s “Africa”-- knocks it out of the park again, highlighting the rush of the season, Christmas music overkill, and the exclusion of Chanukkah. And it’s really fun to listen to.
youtube

-Blue Xmas (To Whom It May Concern) – Miles Davis & Bob Dorough

Jazz great Miles Davis and Bob “Three is a Magic Number” Dorough: How can you go wrong? Lyrical gems include, “I hope you have a white one, but for me, it’s blue,” “It’s a time when the greedy give a dime to the needy,” and his intentional pronunciation of “Blue Exmas.” It’s on Miles Davis’ “Hipster’s Holiday” or you can listen to and download it here.

There's also a nice alternate take on Blue Note Records' "Yule Be Boppin'"

-Putting On A Play – Bunch of Believers

B.O.B. is (was?) a Christian ska band, but this song is very listenable for non-ska fans. It’s a good-natured poke at the annual Christmas pageant. Ever do one where everything goes wrong? “Whoever wrote, ‘No crying he makes’ never met this boy. Still, it’s hard to imagine Jesus holding on to a StarWars toy.”
youtube

Finally,

-Santa Claws – Barry Kooda & the Buckaneers

Imagine “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” as “Ghost Riders In The Sky.” A menacing minor-key rendition that makes "You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry," more of a eerie warning.
Listen / download

Practical theology?

2011-11-28T13:30:00.000-06:00

"God sometimes places your neighbor's daily bread in YOUR pocket," the preacher had said. Stig figured he would just help out his neighbor by freeing them of having to make the difficult decision that it was their turn to provide for him."

An Atheist's Christmas Song?

2011-11-26T10:35:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in Starbucks last night with some friends. I was half-listening to the piped-in holiday music, including "Ocho Kandelas Para Mi" (a Spanish Hannukah tune.) Then, in the midst of all the sacred and secular seasonal songs (and the award for most-annoying S-alliteration goes to...), they played John Lennon's "Imagine"!

This is a holiday song? "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)," I could see, but "Imagine"?! Maybe you can consider it so, as a sort of atheistic call for peace on earth, goodwill t'ward men. However, I don't envision it appearing on my own holyday playlist.

Curmudgenously,
Allen's Brain

Thanksgiving Sunday Activity

2011-11-19T11:50:00.000-06:00

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

I used this in a kids' Sunday School class a year or 2 ago. Feel free to steal it.

Incidentally, come Thanksgiving day, no one has more to worry about than a turkey!

The Alarming Thanksgiving Day Wishbone Incident!

2011-11-18T18:24:00.000-06:00

Don't worry kids! This never happens!

A thought about the Samaritan ex-leper

2011-11-17T14:52:00.000-06:00

As we approach Thanksgiving Day here in the US, I've been thinking about Luke 17:11-19.

Is it possible that the source of our own shortage of gratitude is that we believe that we are neither Samaritans (sinners unable to rightly expect anything from a holy God) nor ex-lepers (cleansed of the incurable, re-united with the community, snatched from a terminal disease)?

Sobering thought?

2011-11-14T06:57:00.000-06:00

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles first appeared in a comic book in 1987. If they were 15 or 16 then, they'd be in their mid-40s today! Which would make them...

Mid-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Imagine, the Heroes in a Half-Shell battling cholesterol, high blood pressure and middle-age spread!

Cowabunga, ya' young Whippersnapper!

Hey you kids! Get off my terrarium!

Today, they'd probably take up arms against those who wanted to take away their Medicare and retirement benefits.

And maybe, just maybe, combat violence on television.

It doesn't exist, but it should!

2011-11-11T07:18:00.000-06:00

My Camo Bible Nightmare

2011-11-10T08:40:00.000-06:00

He was so proud of his new camouflage cover Bible!

Immediately, he went out to the forest.

He sat down at the base of a tree and began to read.

The Bible's rugged, outdoorsy print seemed to make the beautiful and relevant words even more beautiful and relevant!

Finally, he began to get a glimpse of what the Psalmist saw of God's presence in nature.

He set his Bible down, and closed his eyes in prayer.

He finished his prayer, opened his eyes, and could not find his Bible!

Will YOU risk it?

"Caption That Christian Kitsch!"

2011-11-09T10:52:00.000-06:00

As a long-time Christian and occasional consumer of “religious” products, some amount of disappointment often arises with the dubious inspirational value of what amounts to kitsch at best and misuse of Scripture at worst. But I've learned to live with some of the cheesiness.

For instance, this apron, decorated with cupcakes and the text, “Taste and see that the Lord is good! Psalm 34:8.” Its matching tea towel reads “How sweet are your words to my taste! Psalm 119:103”

Okay. So... goofy, but probably harmless. Besides, the tastiness of cupcakes COULD remind us of the goodness of God and his Word, right?

This one, I actually like. It’s a silly pun take on a Bible verse, and it DOES stick it in your mind!

Kinda’ cutesy, but I can think of people who would appreciate it for its punniness–though probably not treasure it for its SPIRITUAL content. (That is, unless they filled it with Jack Daniels or something.)

Okay, your turn to play! Here is a “Contemporary 15" square wood frame with overall pattern design; 7" square mirror inset.”

What will the calligraphed words at the top say?

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14”?

“I am made in the image of God! (Genesis 1:27)”

“Let me mirror Christ today”?

No, actually.
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“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Psalm 100:1”

Nothing wrong with that text. Good stuff.

Why on a mirror? Dunno.

"Christian" product, you confound me so!

More Christian Kitsch.

Halloween decor in a couple of hours.

2011-11-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

Or, proof that I'm a procrastinating Hallow-weiner.

The white lights strung at the top are ghost-shaped.
Pumpkin trick-or-treat bucket as a light cover; looks like the house is on fire!

6 treat buckets strung together with lights inside, dangling from a hook.

Another porch view. Creepy!

And then... ONE trick-or-treater!

Caption this!

2011-10-31T08:48:00.000-05:00

Leave a comment in the comments box or go to facebook and comment there.

Monster-ous Blues Band, VIII

2011-10-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

And finally, Vlad's verse

I’m a real vampire; I go
hunting every night.
I am not the kind that gets
sparkly in daylight!
Team Edward fans, you’d
better run in fright!

If you drink my blood, I’ll grant
you eternal life,
And if I think you’re cute, you can
be my vampire wife.
Just don’t serve me up a “stake”
with a silver knife!

It’s tough to be a monster!
Yeah, it’s hard in every land!
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

And yesterday...

2011-10-27T07:34:00.000-05:00

I was brain-dead yesterday.
'Hope to have a more productive day today.

Monster-ous Blues, VII

2011-10-25T09:31:00.000-05:00

Frankie's verse

You don't like my looks, and
you sure don't want a kiss?
You can blame the doc, Frankenstein
made me like this!
You can call me Frank, but my
wife just calls me "Hiss!"

Well, I'm kinda' shy; giant
crowds are just the pits!
And mobs, pitchforks, and
torches give me fits!
When these blues are done, can
we do "Puttin' On The Ritz"?

Oh, it's tough to be a monster!
Electric bill's a hundred grand!
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Yum!

2011-10-24T12:08:00.000-05:00

Snack mix for autumn, to nibble on while watching old monster flicks and passing out

candy to trick-or-treaters.

2 kinds of candy corn (regular and caramel-flavor,) salted dry-roasted peanuts, and M&Ms. Eaten by the handful, its salty-sweet goodness puts you in mind of a chocolate chip Payday bar, if such a thing existed.

Good with a mug of hot spiced cider and a comfy flannel shirt!

The Monster-ous Blues Band, VI

2011-10-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

Larry’s verse

I’m a decent guy when the
sun is shining bright,
But I become a wolf when the
moon is full at night!
Don’t be fooled: My bark is
NOT worse than my bite!

Got a silver bullet or a
silver wolf’s head cane?
When you bury me, pack my
coffin with wolfsbane!
And do not disturb, or I’ll
be on the hunt again.

Ooow-OOOOOO!

Oh, it’s tough to be a monster!
Say, let me see your hand.
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Larry loves fellow pianists, Ray Charles & Elton John

The Monster-ous Blues Band, V

2011-10-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

Kong's verse

My name is Kong,
I am king of all I see!
I’m a 50 foot ape,
so don’t mess around with me!
Gonna’ see the Big Apple,
though bananas are more for me.

In the Empire State,
my fame surely increased!
I grabbed the blonde, climbed a building,
looking for our wedding feast.
It was prob’ly the fall, but they said,
“Beauty killed the Beast.”

Oh it’s tough to be a monster.
Man! Those New York traffic jams!
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Sorry! We don't have any sunglasses your size!

Monster-ous Blues Band, IV

2011-10-14T20:31:00.001-05:00

Prof Griffin's verse

I'm Professor Griffin,
disappearing is my game.
But my formula's ingredients
have made me quite insane.
So I'll kill a few people, and then
maybe wreck a train.

Well you may find my actions
indefensible.
But I'm not worried, because
I'm invincible.
Ouch! Someone shot me; I'm no
longer invisible!

Oh, it's tough to be a monster,
And stupid people foil your plans!
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Griffin plays an invisible instrument & won't tell us what it is!

Monsterous Blues Band, III

2011-10-11T13:51:00.002-05:00

The Gill-Man's verse

I don't really have a name;
maybe that explains my rage.
Or I'm emotionally-stunted 'cause
I'm from the Devonian Age.
But I tell you, you'll be sorry
if you put me in a cage!

I got gills and scales, so
you think we're not the same.
But I am a romantic, and
I really love each dame!
I want to take 'em "black" to the
"lagoon" from which I came!

Oh, it's tough to be a monster,
When you have webbed claws for hands,
So I got my fiends together,
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

Gill-Man on bongos!

Trick-Or-Treat House Hints

2011-10-10T15:38:00.000-05:00

I know it's a while before the 31st, but if you plan on giving out treats that night/weekend, here is some valuable advice:

-To avoid being eaten by werewolves and other ghoulies, be sure to give out lots of caramel! Then, they can open their mouths to bite! Caramel: It's a treat that's also a clever trick.

-Don't give out broccoli, eggs, or rolls of toilet paper as treats. More importantly, don't give out all three!

-Always check for shoes sticking out from under the ghost sheets. Here's the rule of thumb to remember: No feet; No treat!

-Finally, no matter how loudly or musically they may chant it, DO NOT SMELL THEIR FEET!

If there was a Christian version of FaceBook:

2011-10-09T06:53:00.000-05:00

-Would there be “friend” requests, since everyone is automatically granted “neighbor” status?

-Perhaps there would be “brother/sister” or “orthodox” requests.

-“Unfriend” would be “Disfellowship” or “Excommunicate.” It would come with a note that says, “Don’t worry! Jesus told us to love and pray for our enemies, too!”

-Instead of “like/dislike,” we could have “Amen!/Heresy!”

-Instead of games like Farmville, we’d probably have Mission Field, or ChurchPlant.

-Oh, and we’d probably call it “FaithBook.”
*****

Add yours in the comment box!

The Monster-ous Blues Band, II

2011-10-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

The Mummy’s Verse

Mm-Mph-Muh-Mph-Mff!

(Then, after he loosens the bandage over his mouth:)

Kharis is my name,
I’m not Imhotep, you see.
I’m wrapped up and pickled,
and survive on tanna leaf tea.
Between the priest and archaeologists,
there’s just no rest for me!

My right arm is crippled, but
my left one is intact.
And I have poor depth perception,
because my right eye I lack!
But I would feel complete
if I had my Ananka back!

Oh it’s tough to be a monster!
Shufflin' 'cross the desert sand.
So I got my fiends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

The Monster-ous Blues Band

2011-10-06T10:07:00.001-05:00

Erik's Verse

Well, my name is Erik,

and I'm in love with Christine,

So I took her to the cellar;
tried to teach her how to sing,
But I had to wear a mask,

'cause may face would make her scream!

Oh, the opera proprietors
won't do as they are told!
They refused to put Christine
in the opera's leading role!
So I dropped the chandelier on them

to soothe my tortured soul!

Oh it's tough to be a monster!

No one can understand!
So I got my friends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

The Dracula Files

2011-10-04T12:40:00.001-05:00

Dracula by Edward Gorey

I was listening yesterday to Orson Welles and the Mercury Theater On The Air's rendition of Bram Stoker's novel Dracula. Good and creepy, and decent for only an hour in length.

Welles highlights the nature of the book in MTotA's version, that it's pieced together from diaries, letters, telegraphs and the like. It made me wonder "Why has no one approached Dracula from this documentary perspective?" You could do it like a History Channel special.

"We've all heard the stories of strange and creepy goings-on surrounding a Transylvanian count named Dracula. But how much of this is truth, and how much is simply sensationalism? Tonight, we will look at eye-witness accounts, collected by Dr Henry Seward, and see what they had to say about this mysterious figure. Join us as we open up "The Dracula Files."

As excerpts are read from diaries or narrated by scratchy old records, we could be looking at photos of people and places and illustrations or even dramatisations of the events. You could have "literary experts" and "historians" commenting on various items--all as if it actually had happened.

Well, I think it would be fun, anyway.

Allen's Brain Teaches Anthropology

2011-09-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

From the dim, misty past of my college days come these doodles, from the back of a Far Side daily calendar.

Java Man (with steaming mug) & Peeking (Peking) Man

Nebraska Man (wearing Go Huskers! shirt)

Scare-Crow-Magnon Man

If you are what you eat, then . . .

2011-09-28T08:03:00.000-05:00

. . . I'm delicious!

. . . I'm fast and cheap.

. . . I'm spicy!

. . . I'm Chinese/Italian/Mexican

. . . I'm 75% bacon

. . . I must be a cannibal.

. . . I'm a vegetable. (for vegetarians)

. . . I'm gonna need a doggy bag.

How would you finish this?

It's that time of year!

2011-09-27T07:50:00.000-05:00

A pun that I would make, from the mind/pen of Yaakov Kirschen Dry Bones.

Woohoo! Allen's Brain declared a heretic!

2011-09-26T08:17:00.000-05:00

The rest of me is throughly orthodox, I suppose.

Just found out I've been nominated for "best blog by a heretic."

Haven't a snowcone's chance in a coffee pot of winning, but you can vote for me, anyway. While you're there, drop a vote for Brain Lab friends Ironic Catholic and B-Movie Catechism! The Blue Brain commands it!

Thanks to those who nominated me and voted for me--you lunatics, you! Just wait til the pope finds out you've been reading me!

And then I woke up this morning, and realized it had all been just a horrible nightmare.

2011-09-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

As it turns out, my boss really is a sadistic monster that delights in tormenting me! And quite scaly, too.

My co-workers actually are zombies; not just people of below-average intelligence.

The furniture really is alive and frequently changes places while I'm not looking!

The villagers do fear me, and suspect that I am responsible for a number of heinous crimes.

I am the perpetrator of many unspeakable acts which are an abuse of science and an affront to both God and nature! Should I leave the safety of my castle, I'd be certainly arrested or murdered.

My "Abominations" are still at large, freely frolicking and wreaking destruction and bloodshed in the towns and on the countrysides.

It is a perfectly beautiful day! Black as the inside of a depressed gorilla, torn by blindingly blue-white forks of lightning and shaken by blasts of thunder. The thunder momentarily drowns out the yelping of the plummeting cats and dogs.

Unfortunately, unlike in my dream, my experiments to cross-breed the Atomic Lizard-Men with the Asparagus People to create a hybrid food source that would be both meat and veggie have met with no success as of yet.

Oh well, not everything can be perfect.

Why are you all looking at me like that? Just use your normal, everyday eyes!

Weirdoes.

Completing Conan

2011-09-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

I picked up Conan the Barbarian on the cheap* at Barnes & Noble some time last year as a Christmas gift to my brother-in-law, who likes fantasy and sci-fi. Later on, I couldn't resist picking up a copy for myself. I'd never read any of the Conan stories, nor seen any of the movies. However, it seemed that if they were still being published, they might be worth the read. They are, by the way.

Here's the edition I picked up, published by Metro Books.

There were nine short stories/novellas, and I began to think that perhaps looking into full-length Conan novels by Robert Howard--the original author--would be a worthwhile idea. I consulted Wikipedia (please spare me your judgment) and discovered that the cover blurbs had been a bit misleading. (If you've not yet read the footnote, now would be a good time.) The collection I had purchased only contained some of Howard's Conan tales--the last nine, I believe.

Anyway, if you found yourself in the same predicament, my suggestion is to pick up this one: The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian. (Del Rey)

True, there is some overlap (two, maybe three stories,) but it contains the earlier stories you missed--and gives the orginal titles and "Weird Tales" publication dates.
_____
*Well, just under $10, anyway, which seemed like a great deal for "The original, unabridged adventures" of "the original Conan epics."

Because God's Not a Morning Person

2011-09-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

Actually, there may be something to that flippant thought. Each of the days of Creation begins in the darkness of evening and ends in the morning! Maybe God is more of a night owl.

Of course, if you are among the scant few cognscenti who believe that the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was a coffee bean bush, then you certainly must believe this. God wanted them to stay away from it, because he didn't want them alert and chipper first thing in the morning, when he was still groggy.

Did I mention that the tower of Babel was probably a giant coffee grinder? Well, it wasn't, but it'd make an interesting story, if you could--ahem--stay awake through it.

All of that fluff just to present the latest item in the ICFAB! shop? What a waste!

Here it is. An 11 oz mug with one of my favorite texts from Proverbs printed on it.

From the book of Rrrruph?

2011-09-05T08:37:00.000-05:00

Saw this in the local Christian bookstore. The text is, of course, that tender moment from Ruth 1:16.

Now, I can never think of it as anything but a text about a faithful puppy-dog.

Where's Waldo--er, Alfred?

2011-08-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

Of course you know, Alfred Hitchcock liked to make cameos in his movies.
Here he is, posed as he is found in 25 of his movies.
Not sure if this graphic is helpful for spotting him or if it takes all the fun out trying to find him. I'll let you decide.

But wouldn't it make a great poster?

Clicking it makes it bigger.

found here.

St Espressus Mug now available.

2011-08-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

Just like the t-shirt, only smaller.

And you can drink liquid from it.

Or store a brain in it, if you're a Mi-go.

Well, a small one, anyway--maybe a monkey's brain, or a penguin's.

Or use it as a reliquary, if you happen to have a coffee-stained finger of St Espressus.

It's also a bit cheaper than the shirt.

Click the Allen's Brain Store link in the "neurology labs" list to your left, if that sort of thing interests you.

It could also be a hat, I suppose. A sort of handled fez.

Or store chocolate-covered coffee beans in it.

Eat breakfast cereal from it.

Wield it as a blunt object, in case of emergency.

Also, it has no sleeves, so it's not really as much like the shirt as I first imagined.

The Apostles Are "Poor Financial Role Models," Says Expert

2011-08-19T11:10:00.000-05:00

Financial advisor and pastor Reverend Benny Bincher says that, when it comes to managing money, Jesus and his disciples were not good examples.

"Generally, they are great folks to pattern your life after, but when it comes to money, they are very poor financial role models. Jesus had no home, and probably little else besides the clothes on his back. He and the apostles were utterly dependent upon the charity of others to meet their needs.

"In the ancient world, there was no welfare system or public aid. Long days of hard work were the only way to keep you and your family from starving. And what do they do? These fishermen and tax-collectors and whatever-else QUIT THEIR JOBS to follow Jesus--a guy who had nothing to offer them in terms of pay. These were men with families--wives and kids!

"I mean--can you imagine? Quitting your job in THIS economy? Who's gonna feed their families? Not the government--that's for sure! It all just seems very financially irresponsible! I guess the advice I would offer young people today is, 'Follow Jesus, but don't quit your day job.' "

Back Before I "Went Nuclear"...

2011-08-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

... I had a near run-in with Marty Feldman. I'm on the bottom shelf, first on the left, misfiled next to that snobbish Hans Delbruch!

Confusing license plate.

2011-08-15T08:09:00.000-05:00

The owners of this vehicle are:

a) Hardcore Trinitarians.

b) Tri-theists.

c) Really bad spellers.

The Farmer In The Dell: a lesson in historical theology

2011-08-09T07:38:00.000-05:00

And you thought it was just a kids song...
*****

The Farmer in the Dell...
The titular farmer, of course, is Adam, who was placed in the garden of Eden "to work it and keep it." The Farmer represents the human race, and especially, God's people.

The Farmer takes a Wife.
This is not Adam, anymore, since he was given Eve to be his wife. Instead, this is the inappropriate behavior of the "Sons of God" and "Daughters of Men" in Gen 6:4, the end result of which is the Flood. From the judgment of the great flood, only a select number of those who pleased God were delivered.
Additionally, any time God's people "take a wife," that is, commit spiritual infidelity (since God is the "husband" of his people), there is, ultimately, judgment.

The Wife takes a Child.
How quickly the pattern of sin spirals out of control! Sin begets sin as Hosea's life-parable is borne out. Wives of adultery beget children of infidelity! And then, these idolatrous people engage in child sacrifice.

The Child takes a Nurse
Not content with the spiritual parentage they have, "the child"--that is, Israel--takes on a nurse, or babysitter. In other words, a caregiver of their own choosing. Not content with the priests and judges, God's people choose a king, rejecting the Kingship of their Creator, and thus begins the downward spiral that tears Israel in two, and finally results in their exiles to Assyria and Babylon.

The Nurse takes a Dog
Like a nurse might choose a dog for companionship and protection, so did the nurses--or kings--of God's child, Israel. Though some of the kings over God's people did what was right in His eyes, many did not. Instead, many rulers chose to worship pagan idols, and encouraged their subjects to do likewise. Forsaking the love and protection of God, these wicked kings sought peace and security in making treaties with the nations around them, and preferred the dubious protection of their lifeless images to the sure and certain covenant promises of Yahweh!

The Dog takes a Cat
Dogs do not naturally choose cats as companions. They choose them instead as playthings. During the exilic period in Babylon/Persia, God's people were made the weakened cat of the Babylonian dog. They could thrive, somewhat, and even practice a sort of weakened Judaism in captivity and after the return to Jerusalem. They were not, however, allowed to grow strong enough to be a threat again. While sometimes a cat may valiantly fight back (as in the Maccabean revolt), they will never emerge victorious. Thus, the Romans replace the Greeks, and the oppression continues.

The Cat takes a Rat
If the Cat is the plaything of the Dog, the Rat is doubly so to a Cat, since it's a food source as well as a toy. The Rat, in this case, is the weak-willed leadership during the Roman era. The religious leaders were either in league with the Romans or easily-swayed by the masses. And while they did not choose them, the Herods became soft and Pilate was spineless before the amassed people. Truly, he was a Rat.

The Rat takes the Cheese
It nourishing, calcium-filled, and quite tasty. And probably Swiss, since THIS Cheese is holey--erm, holy.
The Cheese is Christ, condemned to death by the Rat (the Jewish & Roman leaders.)

The Cheese stands alone!
Christ would not buckle to pressure from anyone to stop his teachings or take strong moral stands against the hypocrisy of the Jewish leaders. Even afte his deah and resurrection, his people who were called "Christians"--Cheese-, um, Christ-people. They, too, refused to bow to the pressure of the Roman world and any other oppressive regime, governmental or spiritual.

They Stand Alone!

St Espressus of Java T-Shirts

2011-08-06T13:08:00.003-05:00

I have a cafepress shop, now.

Come get your St Espressus t-shirts here!
Has "The Prayer of St Espressus of Java" on the back.

As promised, the Beatitudes as they appear in the Gospel of Melvin

2011-08-05T09:12:00.001-05:00

And Jesus came to the people, and as he stood on the plain, he began to teach his disciples. Then he changed his mind, went up on a hillside and sat down. And again, he began to teach his disciples. This suited him not, so he commanded the people to stand on the hillside while he sat on the level place to teach. Straightway, he saw that this would not work.

Finally, an hour or so later, after Jesus and the people had shifted about like the waves of the sea, Jesus sat down upon a donkey which he had borrowed from a nearby melon merchant, and the people sat down wherever they liked.

“Okay, everyone,” he called out. “We’re ready to begin. In the future, when people ask about this, you are to call this teaching ‘The Sermon on the Mount.’” He said this to indicate the donkey upon which he sat. And the people laughed heartily.

And he began to teach them, disciples and all, saying:

“Blessed are the Pooh in spirit, for theirs is the kettle of honey.
“Blessed are those in the morning, for they shall receive a comforter.
“Blessed are the mink, for they shall en-ferret the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for it’s on sale this week.
“Blessed are the mirthful, for they are fun to be around.”

Then taking a little cat from among them, he set it in his arms and continued.

“Blessed are the purry in heart, for they will see cod.”

Then he asked them, “Do you have anything to eat?”

And the gave him a piece of broiled fish, which the cat did seize from Jesus’ hand.

"Blessed are the piece-takers,” Jesus said, “For they will be filled.”

The kitty began to make contented rumbling noises.

“Blessed are those whose purrs are cutest for the right of just fish steak, for theirs is the kingdom of Evan.”

And his disciples wondered at what they had just heard, but he was talking about Evan, son of James, the fishmonger.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

And his disciples began to say to him, “Hey! What, now?”

The first Bee-atitude?

2011-08-03T07:06:00.000-05:00

I have made a breakthrough in the translation work on the Gospel of Melvin, and plan to have more of it here soon.

Seems unnecessary

2011-08-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

This is a bottle of aspirin I saw recently. Through the clear plastic of the container, you can plainly see the contents, yet the makers of the label felt that they needed to show you how big one of their individual aspirins was, labelling the photo "Actual Size."

In Search of the Sacred

2011-07-28T10:40:00.001-05:00

LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous,

who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue,

who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman,

who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD,

who keeps his oath even when it hurts,

who lends his money without usury

and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things will never be shaken.
----------

I'm preaching through this Psalm--15--for the next few weeks. We are made holy through Christ's sacrifice* (Hebrews 10:10, et al), but what does holiness look like?
_____
*That's a New Testament statement. Yet, in the Hebrew Bible, God is always saying that he is the one who makes his people holy. Never seems to address the HOW.

The Brain returns to the lab!

2011-07-22T15:32:00.000-05:00

With all the extra sun-exposure and super heat-indexes, I likely absorbed more radiation, and am more powerful--or more mutated--than before! Mu-haha-hack! cough! gasp! wheeze!

Good week of camp, despite my presence there. Everything went pretty well, except for the vespers speaker! Holy cow! Could that guy have been any more long-winded and boring?!

112 5th & 6th grade students + triple digit heat index every day + no air-conditioning in the dorms = bad sleep. Oh well. We weren't relying on our own strength, anyway. Couldn't have. My family group quickly learned Philippians 2:14. "Do everything without murmuring or complaining..."

Most of the faculty this week were folks I knew and had worked with before. However, even the first-time "junior" staff were, to my pleasant amazement, very competent.

Of the 20-some students who decided to submit to Christ and become Christians, I got to baptize 1. Cool story to follow:

It's camp policy to call a young person's parents about their decision to become a Christian. The reason is two-fold. First, this is a huge decision, and since the parents are responsible for their child's spiritual welfare, it's only right to get their permission. Secondly, it's good news--and we like sharing good news!

Some of those phone conversations have--in the past--led to some interesting Bible and doctrinal discussions. However, I've never had this one happen. I'd called one boy's adoptive mom--his aunt--and she had joyously agreed that we could baptize him. A while later, his uncle/adopted father called me back. "I heard that (child's name) is getting baptized. Would it be okay for me to come out and be baptized as well?" The gentleman in question was 64, had been in church much or all of his life, and had never been able to--as he put it--"pull the plug" and fully submit to Christ in baptism. When his wife called him about his nephew's decision, he told me, it finally clicked--the time was right.

So, the young man was baptized by his 2 family group leaders--for one of them, the first baptism they'd ever performed. And, at the same time, right beside him, I got to baptize his uncle! I've never been part of two-fer like that before. Pretty cool!

Gotta get caught up on lost sleep in the next day or so, because this Sunday is Christmas In July! Got a favorite Christmas sermon/homily you'd like to share?

Pray yourself thin?

2011-07-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

Seen in a B&N recently:

Not quite. Turns out "Amen" is the guy's last name.

The Well of Veritas

2011-07-13T17:04:00.003-05:00

I'm getting ready to go work in camp next week. As I said before, I'm preaching in the vespers services. Since we have a medieval/fairy tale theme this week, I'm prefacing the messages with fairy tale-like stories. Here is Sunday night's, in which we're talking about being made in God's image.
-----

The day had been long, and the sun had beat down upon the travelers’ heads like a sheet of iron, wearing them down. Each step, it became harder to lift their feet. At last, young Catherine looked up to see the fortress on the horizon.

It was drawing toward evening now, and she began to reflect on her journey. She had been a scullery maid–a servant girl in the kitchen of King Olaf. She didn’t like the work, but peasant girls didn’t have many options. And yet, she always believed in her heart that there was something more to life–that SHE was meant for something more!

Her companion on this journey was Harold. He was apprenticed to a village cobbler, and had hated it. He had found the work mind-numbingly dull. He wanted excitement and adventure. However, since his parents weren’t nobles, there was no chance he would ever become a knight.

One day, however, Harold had overheard the discussion of two customers who had come into his shop to have their boots repaired. They spoke about a well–the Well of Veritas, it was called. Everyone who looked into the Well of Veritas, it was said, saw their own reflection–not as they were right then–but as they were intended to be. To peer into this well was to know your true self!

As soon as it was dark, Harold sneaked out and went to King Olaf’s castle to tell his friend Catherine about the well. That night, they made plans to escape. Two days later, under cover of darkness, they met by the giant oak tree and began the quest that now led them to this place.

The Well of Veritas was protected within the walls of the great Fortress Batsar: sheer walls of solid stone rising 50 feet into the air on every side. The drawbridge was down, creating a bridge over the moat, but the entrance was flanked by four men in imposing suits of armor. Slowly, the two young people approached, footsteps thudding hollowly on the wooden bridge. They had no proper weapons with which to fight. Catherine had a small paring knife she’d borrowed from the kitchen. Harold had a walking stick made from a thick branch that would work as a club, but neither would be any use against armor.

“We mean you no harm,” Catherine called to them. “We are not enemies.”

“That’s right,” said Harold. “We’ve just come to look into the Well of Veritas.”

The guards did not move. Harold & Catherine stood before the entrance. “So, we’ll just be going in, then...” Harold said, taking a step bravely forward. Still, the guards did not move.

In a few more steps, they were both standing inside the huge, vaulted doorway of the Fortress Batsar.

“So, you made it past the guards,” said a voice from near their feet. It was little gray squirrel! “So few people make it. The sight of the guards is usually enough to frighten folks away. The truth is, there aren’t even any men inside the armor! But don’t make the same mistake with the guards around the Well. They’re quite real.”

The squirrel led them up a spiral staircase to a window overlooking the courtyard where the Well was. The four guards wore hooded robes and looked very un-human! The first had a face like a hawk and sharp claws for hands. The second was like a gorilla. The third resembled a wolf, and if Catherine or Harold had ever seen one, they would have thought the fourth looked like a furry crocodile.

Catherine asked the squirrel, “Since you’ve been so nice to us, is there any hope of defeating the guards so that we can look into the Well?”

“There is one hope,” he said. “You must make the guards look into the well themselves. Only by seeing themselves as they really are can they be defeated. But it won’t be easy.”

Harold and Catherine entered the courtyard. The first guard, the one with the hawk-face, came at them, leaping about and flashing its long sharp claws in stunningly swift martial arts maneuvers. “Wow!” Harold told the bird-man. “You’re fast! But I bet you can’t catch this.” He picked up a pebble.

“I can catch anything!” shrieked the bird-man.

Harold tossed the pebble gently to the guard. Of course, he caught it. Harold threw another and another, faster each time, and farther away. Each time, the bird-man skillfully plucked them out of the air. What he failed to notice, though, was that Harold had begun edging toward the well. Harold threw his last pebble, right into the well. The bird-headed guard reached out for it, and doing so, looked down into the water. Seeing his reflection, he disappeared in an explosion of feathers.

The second guard was the gorilla. For a weapon, he bore a long-handled axe. With a mighty whoosh, he swung his ax at Catherine, but she leaped back just in time. He raised it over his head and slashed downward, trying to split her in two. She nimbly stepped aside, and the axe’s blade rang loudly on the stone floor.

“Oh, Mr Ape,” she cried, “Your axe blade is so rusty! No wonder you can’t hit me!”

The gorilla objected loudly. “That’s not true, I polished it this morning!”

“Oh but you didn’t,” she said. “Look how dull it is in comparison with the surface of the well!”

He made the comparison, saw his reflection, and popped out of existence, leaving behind a banana-scented cloud.

The wolf-headed guard was next. He split the night with bone chilling howls. He stalked slowly toward Harold, baring his teeth and growling menacingly, yellow eyes gleaming in the moonlight. Harold was genuinely frightened, but he didn’t show it.

“Is that supposed to scare me?” he asked. “My grandma is scarier than that!”

The wolf’s hair stood on end. He snarled, gnashing his teeth and foaming at the mouth.

Harold swallowed hard. “That’s not how you make a scary face! This is a much scarier face!” and he scowled at the wolf.

The guard laughed a wolfish laugh. “That’s not a scary face!”

"It’s scarier than yours.”

“No it’s not!”

“Sure it is!”

“Never!”

“Yes it is, and I’ll prove it. Let’s compare our reflections in a mirror and see whose face is scarier. Do you have a mirror? No? Well then, how about checking our reflections in the well?”

The wolf agreed, and soon he was no more.

The last guard snapped his great crocodile jaws and began to chase both of them around the courtyard.

“I am so hungry, I’m going to eat both of you in one bite!”

“Eew!” screamed Catherine. “Don’t eat Harold! He’s filthy, and he’ll taste terrible, I’m sure!”

“And you don’t want to eat HER,” said Harold. “She’s all skin and bones, and will probably get stuck in your throat!”

“I’m so hungry, I don’t care!” said the croc-creature.

“Wouldn’t you rather have some nice, juicy fish?” asked Catherine. “I saw some in the well, I’m sure!”

“Oh no you don’t! You won’t trick me into looking in the well!”

“But she’s telling you the truth,” replied Harold. “Here, I’ll go catch one for you!” He went to the well and plunged his hands into it, and pretended to struggle. “I got one! Oh! He’s so big, I can’t pull him out!” So convincing was he that the reptile-like guard came to see the fish, saw himself instead, and dissolved into dust.

“You did it! You defeated them!” It was the squirrel.

“I don’t think this well really works,” said Harold. “When I looked in, I saw myself as a prince, a son of king Olaf.”

“And I was a princess,” agreed Catherine.

“And so you truly are! Children of the King! In his likeness.”

“But I saw when the guards looked into the well. They saw themselves as sons of the king, too!”

“And that is what THEY were truly meant to be,” sighed the squirrel. “But they weren’t satisfied with that, and so they rebelled against the king, and became the hideous things that you saw.”

And so it is with all who are made in the King’s image.

Hooray for Bumper Sticker Theology!

2011-07-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

Edited to cover a 4-letter word for barnyard fertilizer

Well, the sticker did get a couple things right.

First, Jesus really does love you.

Second, whatever "gifts" the devil may give you, they are barnyard fertilizer.

Sign posted in the Brain Lab?

2011-07-12T08:57:00.000-05:00

Swing, and a miss!

2011-07-11T06:49:00.000-05:00

The Canaanite god, Ba'al, often required depraved, degrading behavior in his worship.

For this reason, some remember him as Base Ba'al.

Nose, Meet Grindstone.

2011-07-08T08:38:00.000-05:00

Is it really July, already?

Been writing up a storm since Tuesday, having received (finally) Jr 1 camp info. I'm writing morning skits, teaching a class, preaching vespers, leading a family group, and probably some other things that I haven't found out about yet.

Well, thank you for your patience. Here's a special message just for you (and anyone else who can click on the smiley face button.)

An invitation?

2011-06-29T14:43:00.001-05:00

"How'd you like to go have dinner at Le Mort de Poullet tonight?" She asked.

"That sounds great!" he replied. "It'd be even better if you'd join me!"

-From Twenty Uses for a Burnt-Out Lightbulb,

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

Caption contest!

2011-06-28T08:23:00.000-05:00

Got a caption? Post it in the comments box.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

2011-06-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

I’ve been awarded the Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award by nissa_loves_cats of the delightfully-named blog, The Lina Lamont Fan Club (“What’s da’ mattah wit’ my voice?)

Truthfully–and sadly–I wasn’t particularly familiar with Nissa’s blog. I think I had read a linked post, here and there, but wasn’t a regular reader. However, after browsing about, I think I’ll swing by there more often. Of course, that seems to be the dark, secret motivation of blog awards of this ilk. :-D

“Irresistibly Sweet” sounds like something that would induce nausea upon ingestion. Not sure what that implies about my blog. Additionally, Nissa comments, “The last time I passed out an award, one of my awardees... was not available to pick up his award due to being in jail for the death threats he kept making... So now I'm puzzled--- do I try to find bloggers who WON'T get arrested to award them, or should I consider it a challenge to pick another potential trouble-maker? I'm torn....” So, now I REALLY wonder what she thinks of me! Hee-hee!

So, thanks, Nissa... I think...

Anyway, the stipulations for accepting this “award” are as follows:

The Rules:

1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.

2. Share 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 8 deserving blog buddies.

4. Contact those buddies to congratulate them.
*****

Now then, onward to the Abyss!

VII Roman, er, Random Facts About Allen’s Brain

I. I’ve quite a fondness for Hawaiian shirts and wear them over long t-shirts and sweatshirts in the winter. I have worn the same red print Hawaiian shirt the last 3 Christmases–maybe 4.

II. “I think you ought to know, I’m feeling very depressed.” Recently finished downloading the complete “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” BBC radio programs, and am listening to them in my car. Marvin the Paranoid (and perpetually-depressed) Android, btw, is the source of that quote.

III. With a passion for strong coffee and super-spicy food, it’s a wonder I have any tastebuds or stomach left, but I do. They’re on the third shelf from the bottom, second and fifth from the right, respectively. (Okay. That last bit’s not true. It’s actually the 2nd and 6th from the right.)

IV. Just achieved gold card status on my Starbucks membership. Yay.

V. In my fantasy life, I would run a tiki-themed coffee bar called either “ExotiCafe” or “Shrunken Ed’s.”

VI. I have never been compared to a giraffe or a bowl of cereal, and I don’t particularly envy anyone who has.

VII. Perhaps it’s the mad scientist in me, but I really like a good thunderstorm: lots of forked lightning, loud crashes of thunder, and great, wet curtains of rain plummeting to earth! Muh-ha-ha-ha!
_____
I don’t think I know/read 8 bloggers that would do this sort of thing, but if you are one such, and would like to do this, then I consider you Irresistibly Sweet!

Sample Interview Questions for Assistant Position

2011-06-23T15:56:00.001-05:00

Good help is so hard to find! So many applicants just lack the basic skills to be a real asset to your place of business. The key in weeding out the bad apples from the truly wormy ones lies, I think, in asking the right interview questions. Here are some I have used recently to locate a qualified assistant. Whether you're looking for a lab assistant or an executive assistant, these questions will help put you on the right track. Feel free to use any and all that you need.
-----

Name _______________________________________

Gender (list all that apply) _______________________

Age _______ Age in dog years _______

Number of years since your most recent resurrection/regeneration ______

Number of fingers, toes, and other useful appendages (prehensile tail, tentacle, etc.) ________

Briefly describe your past work history, including any felonious activities and unspeakable acts--like politics.

Check any and all that apply.

01. For this job I am willing to:
__ Relocate
__ Learn new skills (computing, filing, dentistry)
__ Regenerate
__ Degrade myself
__ Work long hours for no pay
__ Wear a tie

02. I can take:
__ Dictation
__ Constructive criticism
__ A joke
__ A torch-wielding constable
__ The blood out of this lab coat
__ A bullet

03. I speak:
__ English
__ Archaic and fawning English
__ Transylvanian
__ Gorilla
__ Seldom
__ With a lisp

04. I am hunchbacked because of:
__ Deformity from birth
__ A botched execution
__ An injury on the job; i.e., lugging heavy equipment, corpses, etc.
__ A genetic experiment with camel DNA
__ Style

05. Why did Dr Frankenstein fail?
__ Pride
__ He meddled with things he should have left alone
__ What do you mean, "fail"? The monster lives, doesn't he?
__ Chance (How could he know his creation would be immortal?)
__ Divine judgment
__ It was his assistant's fault, of course.

06. I am capable of making:
__ Plutonium from common household items
__ Repairs and modifications to both atomic- and lightning-powered machinery
__ Flimsy excuses
__ Eleven different death-rays
__ Decent coffee
__ A mess

07. Spell "Igor."
__ Igor
__ Ygor
__ 360R
__ Eye-Gore
__ Fritz

Satire Collection Sparks Intended Revolution; Author Shocked.

2011-06-22T07:48:00.001-05:00

Disorienting Woods - Mere weeks after the release of blogger Ironic Catholic’s second book, Felon Blames 1970s Church Architecture for Life of Sin: the Ironic Catholic News Volume I, a sort of spiritual revival has broken out among her readers.

“It was like she was talking about me personally,” said Kim Preston, 35, of Miller’s Grove, NJ. “Especially the story about ‘Grace for Clunkers,’ the one about ‘occasional unity,’ and–oh yeah!–the one about the patron saint of coffee drinking, St Java, or whatever. Oh! And the one about motherhood as spiritual vocation! OMG! SO FUNNY! But they really spoke to me. I plan on definitely making some changes in my devotional life–just as soon as the Spirit motivates me properly.”

Self-titled religious intellectual, Norm dePlume, had his own favorites. “I quite enjoyed the article on the sudden stability of Jacque Derrida. I also found the Swiftean overtones in the story about the Hemlock Society’s promotion of cannibalism worthy of a chuckle or two. Both stories pointed to much bigger principles about the nature of life and reality that I plan on personally and thoroughly examining just as soon as ecclesiastical authorities emphasize them.” dePlume could not be reached for further comment, having taken up what he believes is his God-given role as diocesan hermit.

Inscrutable, atomically-enhanced brain-in-a-jar and part-time mad scientist, Allen’s Brain, thought Ironic C’s new book was, “A good read, if a bit brief. Of course, this IS only ‘volume 1,’ so that almost certainly means there’s more to follow. And if I know, I.C., she won’t be able to help herself. It’s the best sort of madness that compulsively produces such consistently good material. Not every one made me laugh. Some just elicited a grin, but that’s to be expected. Different things tickle different funny bones. The “Iron Theologian” story got a good laugh out of my gray matter, and was a good way to end the book. The other one that really got me was the computer usage quiz that points to your denominational background. SO TRUE! Ha-ha! But I think my absolute favorite in the collection was the Flannery O’Connor conference where all these O’Connor-esque things keep happening. Wow! I certainly resolve to draw closer to God from now on–once I get some time to devote to it.”

What does the Ironic Catholic think of this response from her readership?

“What is wrong with you people? What are you waiting for? A sign from heaven?”

Nope. Just the next book, I.C. Just the next book.

Shove you what?

2011-06-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

No! Sha-vu-ot! It's a Jewish holiday that celebrates the events at Mt Sinai after the exodus from Egypt. Christians tend to call it "Pentecost," a Greek-based word that points to it being celebrated 50 days after Passover.

Shavuot celebrates the giving of the Law--especially the 10 commandments--by God through Moses.

Anyway, that's holyday we celebrated last night at Vacation Bible School. Things went fairly well. I'm already thinking of ways to re-work portions of it to be more broadly age-inclusive. At least the recreation portion went well... And the snacks (Mac-n-cheese!)

Tonight, that crazy, unhinged celebration of the book of Esther known as Purim! We're starting with the crafts portion of the evening--making masks!

Flag Day! So...

2011-06-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the name of the holyday, I'm posting a flag!

A couple days late, but...

2011-06-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

We started VBS last night. Actually getting to "field test" "Thou Shalt Party." Kinda' nice, after sitting on this egg for 2 years! Last night, focusing on Rosh HaShanah--and thus, Creation--went well. Hope to have some bobble head pics in a couple days.

Pesach/Passover is tonight. Wednesday, we do Shavuot/Pentecost, which, calendrically-speaking, was last Sunday.

How I know these gas prices are evil

2011-06-11T08:05:00.000-05:00

One day, a coffee shop moved in next door to the lab...

2011-06-10T12:47:00.000-05:00

For all y'all Jewish Cajuns out there!

2011-06-08T17:48:00.001-05:00

Allen's Brain does not simply thrive on coffee and bad movies. It also finds great stimulation in spicy food. My latest lab experiment combined two of my loves: Judaism and hot sauce!

Uncle Brainstein's "Oy Vey! 'At's A Spicy Matzoh Ball!"

Start with your favorite matzoh ball recipe or mix.

Make the matzoh balls, according to the recipe/directions.

Instead of dropping them into boiling soup, drop them into a pan of the same amount of boiling hot sauce. My recipe calls for 2-and-a-half quarts.
(Frank's Red Hot would be ideal, but I went with the super-cheap store brand. Whatever's spicy and tangy. I love Tabasco, but I can't imagine using it. It'd get pretty expensive, too.)

Otherwise, follow your matzoh ball recipe.

The matzoh balls will absorb the soup/sauce.

You can use a funnel and pour the remaining sauce back into the bottles. It'll be a little thicker, having cooked-down.

Great added to a chicken dish or as a unique, kosher accompaniment to buffalo wings. Try 'em with ranch or bleu cheese dressing.

Christmas for head hunters

2011-06-03T08:35:00.000-05:00

"Tsantsa"?

Well, so long as it's not personal...

2011-06-02T07:45:00.002-05:00

"It's nothing personal," she said.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

She continued, "It's just that I hate you vehemently."

-From Twenty Uses For A Burnt-Out Lightbulb

a non-existent novel by Allen Hickerson

The Allen's Brain bobble head: coming soon to a retailer near you!

2011-06-01T07:53:00.000-05:00

Well, not true, actually. It's fine. No one will want one of these, anyway. I have it, and I'm not sure I want it.

Here's the deal: In a couple weeks, we'll be doing a lesson in Vacation Bible School about creation. Naturally, we want the youngsters to know that we are made in God's image, and what that means. In order to drive the point home, we bought these DIY bobble heads!

They're ceramic, four or five inches high, and they have a circular indentation on the front of the head, about an inch-and-a-half across, for a picture of your face. Mine, of course, needed a beard, and ridiculous hair to match.

The skin is not so orangey as it looks here.

Profile. You can see the pre-formed hair line.

I'm kinda proud of free-handing the Hawaiian print. I'm SO not an artist!

Extreme close-up! Aaagh! What's with the Mr T hairdo?

A bit tacky?

2011-05-31T06:49:00.000-05:00

For Memorial day, the main street of Pawnee was lined with little American flags. These were provided by a certain local real estate agent, who shall remain nameless. How do I know it was he? Stapled to each of the little wooden flagpoles was his business card!

Kinda tacky, don't you think?

In Flanders Fields; On Calvary's Mount

2011-05-30T07:03:00.000-05:00

For Memorial Day, John Mcrae's classic...

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

And a Christian's meditation on the memorial that is the Lord's Supper, or Eucharist, in the same style...

On Calvary’s mount the breezes blow
Where crosses, empty, stood to show
On each, a criminal hung to die
In tombs unmarked, their remains lie,
Forgotten by the world we know.

Of all the Dead, short days ago
Who lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Then died, One lives no more to die,
On Calvary’s Mount.

While honored dead, their torches throw,
And ask that we defeat their foe,
Unconquered, Jesus, from on high,
Calls us to follow with victory cry!
‘Twas won--Tho’ we skirmish below--
On Calvary’s mount!

Change is always difficult...

2011-05-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

Not the original title or caption that accompanied this pulp magazine illustration. Originally, it's from a ghastly 1935 story called (sorry) "White Meat." You can download and read it here. PDF. 7 pages. Fair warning: it's a bit salacious, appearing in a magazine called Spicy Adventure.

A few points of interest along the way

2011-05-24T13:56:00.000-05:00

18% interest, that is!

It seems like most of my regulars here at ICFAB are also getting updates on my FB page, so it hardly seems fair to ask you to come over here. So, what do you think? Should there be exclusive blogg-y content here that won't get posted on Faceless Book?

I'm afraid we ran out of secret decoder rings, and it will be quite some time before there are any more in stock. Due to this unforeseeable circumstance, I'll go ahead and let you in on a secret. The Hebrew phrase on this blog post is pronounced "d'var sayther." It comes from Judges 3:19, and is the phrase typically translated "secret message."

Well, I thought it was funny...

And, yes, the pic of the decoder ring was from the Capt Midnight tv show, and doesn't look like the PSDR one you lucky few have. There were manufacturing secrets to be preserved, and so I couldn't actually show a real one.

Doesn't Captain Kresken Nostradamus sound like he'd be comfortable appearing alongside this show? And this one?

Chuck Taylor, in that same post, referred to "Charles Taylor," prophecy preacher who falsely predicted Christ's return 13 times, as documented by "A Brief History of the Apocalypse."

Sorry, but...

2011-05-21T06:42:00.000-05:00

From shrunken heads to... well...

2011-05-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

One more day is all we've got, folks, assuming Harold Camping is correct. And why shouldn't we believe him? I mean, he successfully predicted the end 3 times back in 1994! Yeah, I didn't know that, either. Thanks, Wikipedia!

Please, don't be fooled again! Send today for the Parousia Secret Decoder Ring and begin to uncover all the secret messages hidden in God's Word! No longer will you be left wondering "Is God trying to tell me something?" You'll know! Just turn your Secret Decoder Ring Squadron-approved Hebrew text of the Bible upside-down, and begin to decipher the secret codes along with Capt N and the PSDR Squadron!

And remember what Jesus said: "No one knows the day or the hour, without the secret decoder ring!"

Today's secret code is

"Captain Kresken Nostradamus and The Parousia Secret Decoder Ring Squadron" is sponsored by Chuck Taylors, the footwear of the Apocalypse! Chuck Taylor: because the 14th time is the charm!

_____

*Note: PSDR only completely and flawlessly works with original autographs.

Home Ec at the Brain Lab

2011-05-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

Of course, here at the lab, we combine Anthropology, Non-Western Religions, and Metal Shop with our Home Economics course.

"Shrunken Heads," Josh Agle

Class, your assigned reading is from this website, which is a very interesting and thorough study of the head-hunting culture of the Shuar (also called the Jivaro) people.

Especially pay attention to the following paragraphs, Students!

   To understand the motives behind the preparation of tsantsa (shrunken head) it is necessary to realize that the tsantsa itself possesses tsarutama or magical power. Immediately following the battle the head was taken as a trophy, which indicated that the maker had properly fulfilled the obligation to his lineage in taking blood revenge.

   Most Jivaro Indians would consider any victory over the enemy as incomplete, and perhaps the whole war expedition a failure if they were unable to return without one or more trophies. Furthermore, possessing the tsantsa itself would benefit the warrior's good fortune as well as please the spirits of his ancestors. The warrior could expect the spirits of their dead relatives to bestow them with good crops and fortune. Consequently, one could anticipate corresponding misfortune if their murders were not properly avenged. The Jivaros gave much more thought to the harm that might come to them through the ill will of the neglected dead relatives ghosts, than they did to the malevolent actions of enemy ghosts.

He laughed at my theories

   More importantly, the reason behind the preparation of the tsantsa is to paralyze the spirit of the enemy attached to the head so that it cannot escape and take revenge upon the murderer. This also prevents the spirit or soul from continuing into the afterlife where it could harm dead ancestors. When the warrior kills his enemy, he is not only after the victim's life, but more importantly he seeks to possess the victim's soul. Acquiring trophies after a battle, was also an instrument of increasing a warrior's own personal power, known as arutam. The idea behind killing the enemy and taking his head as a trophy, brings the victim's arutam to the warrior. The power of the dead man's soul is still considered dangerous to the victorious tribe and therefore the motive behind shrinking the head of the enemy is to conquer and destroy the spirit or soul.
   In addition to satisfying the notion of blood-revenge and possessing the dead man's soul, the transformation of the head into a tsantsa implies a deadly insult not only to the dead man himself, but also to his whole tribe.
   The head means to the warrior what the Medal of Honor means to an American soldier.

*****

And now for the Home Ec portion of our lecture: Follow this recipe!

For extra credit, go watch "The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake."

You know you're a geek...

2011-05-16T07:02:00.000-05:00

...when a discussion of a malfunctioning microwave ends with re-enacting Spock's death scene from "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan."

Today's Factless Factoid

2011-05-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

The Italian dictator, Mussolini, was extremely superstitious, and always carried several lucky rabbit's feet with him. This earned him the nickname, "Bunny-toe" Mussolini.

Assorted stuff

2011-05-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

Vote for me in the Eek! comic caption contest, or for someone else, whose caption you think is funnier.
You may have to "like" Eek! comics first. I'm not sure.

OR add your own funny caption, garner the most "likes," and win. (Same link as above.)
*****

The Beastie Boys have a new album out. In it, they are passionate about pacifism. They've remixed their biggest hit, so that it now goes something like, "You've got to fight--for the right--to not fight--for the right--to parrrrr-tay!"
*****

I was in a Barnes & Noble/Starbucks cafe yesterday. They some new piece of equipment that looked pretty cool. I think it was some sort of oven, actually. I told the girl at the counter that I was admiring the new machinery, and then placed my usual order: Venti, iced back coffee.

"Do you want cream with that?" she asked, automatically, of the dork whose eyes were still looking past her at the big black cube with buttons and glowing display screens.

I glanced her way, "No, thank you. Just black please." So very cool, and high-tech, and gadget-y!

"It makes everything taste better," the barista commented.

"No. I prefer it black. Thanks," I replied.

"Oh! No! I wasn't telling you how to have your drink!" she said.

'Twas then I realized she had been talking about the oven. Had a good laugh about that.

An introduction to May

2011-05-05T17:49:00.003-05:00

Appearing recently in small local newsletter, "Cornland Ears."
-----

May is NOT the cruelest month. That stigma is reserved for April, according to T.S. Eliot. Instead, May is that month of potential and undiscovered possibilities. It May. Then again, it May not.

As you might know, the month of May is “Merry, merry” and the cause of being “taken surprise” by “a pair of roguish eyes.” Beware of strolling through the park this month, folks!

If you’re a May Pole, of course, your social calendar is already full. May Poles are all tied up, as of May 1st.

Additionally, May is Fun Gal Infection Awareness month. Know a fun gal? She may have an infection. Just thought you should know.

Hold on. Sorry. There appears to be a typo. I guess it’s “fungal infection” awareness. Nothing worse than a fungus with an infection! So get to a doctor and get checked out today, all of you funguses! Or is that “fungi”? I’m never quite sure. Which reminds me of the story about the mushroom with no social life. “Why can’t I get a date (or even a fig)?” he said. “After all, I’m a fungi!”

Then again, it could be that we humans are supposed to have an awareness of personal fungal infections. Anybody got toadstools growing between their toes? That’s probably a fungus—and it might be infected. Better get it checked out. Or reduce the amount of damp soil and old-growth forest that has accumulated there.
-----

Cornland Ears Interviews A Mayfly

When you think of the month of May, you might think of mayflies. (It does, you know. It’ll be June before you know it!) Naturally, we know that you readers want to know all about this fascinating phenomenon of nature, so we managed to interview one.

CE: We know that mayflies have an extremely abbreviated existence, only living for a few hours. So tell me, what do you do in that short period of time?

[Interview terminated due to the interviewee’s swift demise.]

CE: Um… Well, maybe next year.
-----

see also the Interview with a Wolf-Man, originally in CE

Antiques Road Show at the Brain Lab

2011-05-03T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sort of.

It all started with this nifty "airpot" coffee dispenser I bought and gave to the church.

Worked fine for several years, and then the pump lever on the top (which turned out to be plastic) cracked, rendering it unusable. Went shopping for another one, and couldn't find one anywhere! A friend recommended checking eBay, and pointed out, jocularly, that some folks were selling their old 70's style plastic airpots with tacky designs on the exterior and that I could get one of those. Well, I DID check eBay, and hadn't really made a final decision.

A day or two later, I stopped in at a Goodwill store, just to poke around. I found THIS:

Yup, the donors had kept the box. Curiosity killed my cat, and then motivated me to open the box. Imagine my surprise to find the item in pristine condition, still wrapped in the plastic with the string tag still attached to the handle! My guess is that it was a wedding gift or something, and had been stuck in a back closet or basement and left unused.

Ah, the days when this was a selling point!

Glad to know my coffee pot is free of poison, but, is that even a word?

But this pot is not the kitschy-cool, orangey floral design pictured on the front of the box. No. Instead, it is this design:

So, I should set it on fire?

It is even more beautiful (?) in real life.

A couple more pics to sear your eyeballs:

Here, you can plainly see the original price of this airpot. Quite expensive for the 1970s!

"style"?

But how much did I pay for this vintage gem?

A bit blurry. $3.98!

Now, if I could just find some Partridge family mugs to match it!

You know you're a geek, when...

2011-04-29T07:58:00.001-05:00

The news anchor says,

"We now turn to the nation's looming debt crisis,"

And your ears perk up, because you thought they said,

"We now turn to the nation's living dead crisis."

One more Easter-y post

2011-04-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

Found this last year, but failed to post it. Possibly the best Easter comic ever. I mean, I love Johnny Hart, but his Easter comics rarely made me laugh so hard as this.

Reynolds Unwrapped, early April 2010

My tired brain wandered during Sunday School class this past Sunday (since I wasn't teaching it,) and I began to imagine the women headed for the tomb with their jars of perfumed ointment, and stumbling upon Easter eggs along the path. "What's this?" Of course, that likely makes the easter bunny a gentile--working on the Sabbath, and all.

A recurring line in my sermon Sunday went thusly, "Christ the Lord has risen. Let's go hunt for eggs."

Tip of the yarmulke to IC for re-posting my sin and sharing the horror with a larger audience.

Passion of the... Sheep?

2011-04-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

Another "wrong" Holy Week edible. I know the lamb cake is traditional and all, but this is just--ugh!

And you shall eat the lamb, which is eating bitter herbs?

The Passion of the Peep

2011-04-22T09:21:00.000-05:00

So VERY wrong! But, for satiric purposes, it's nice to see the bunny get nailed. As best as I can figure, the arms and legs are--economically--made from only one other Peep bunny. That's more bunny per pack for you to enjoy, while this one dies for my inability to remember where I found it online.

Shall I dip my toes further into the flaming lake by singing, "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"?

For Maundy Thursday

2011-04-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

Kinda wishing I had written this...

from Pete, Feet, And Fish To Eat, by Phil A. Smouse.

About Palm Sunday

2011-04-20T14:07:00.000-05:00

Just a quick one, here.

During a discussion of Jesus' "triumphal entry" into Jerusalem, we noted that Jesus sat upon a colt. It was pointed out to me that "It was just a small colt. A .45."

I was lost in a fit of giggles for about a minute-and-a-half.

Passover Seder 2011

2011-04-19T10:55:00.001-05:00

My seder plate, 04-18-2011

Had a good crowd last night for our seder: 13, just like the Last Supper. Would have had about ten more, barring illness, travel, and unforseen last-minute circumstances. Gotta print up some more haggadahs.

Cooked all day as usual, though I had some good help. Gonna be living on matzoh ball soup the rest of the week, I think. It's impossible to make a small batch.

See this kid here? That's not MY matzoh ball soup he's enjoying! He wasn't even AT our seder! What's he doing in this post, anyway? Well, I know what he's doing... I'm just not sure why he's doing it here. Are there no pics of people enjoying my stellar chickn matzoh ball soup? (Now with fewer E's!) There really aren't? Never mind then.

A couple good pics I didn't take:

This shot is nice, because it actually captures a bit of the serving table at the bottom. That's angel food cake in the lower right corner. Also a great capture of the little red-haired girl (not THAT ONE, Charlie Brown!) 4th person back on the left. She's in first grade, but she's a really good reader and read the "4 questions," as is the responsibility/privilege of the youngest at the meal. She also rescued the singing portion of the seder, right after the meal, by insisting that SHE wanted to sing, even if no one else was interested. We compromised with just singing Passover-parody favorite, "Pharaoh, Pharaoh," which everyone enjoyed.

See the weird-looking bearded guy, 3rd from the back on the right-hand side? No, that's not Elijah! That's Allen. We try to keep him out, and every year he manages to get back in, sit down, and lead the seder!

Same group, a little closer to the table. A few more of us are looking at the camera this time, including that creepy bearded guy. Highlight of this shot: the camera-shy girl with her purple haggadah in front of her face.

The prize for finding the afikomen this year? Little milk chocolate lambs. Seemed like an appropriate thematic gift.

"Now we have lamb at our Passover," I said.

As usual, Elijah didn't show up to join us. Oh well.

Next year year, in the New Jerusalem! Or, as we say at Cornland, "Next week, around the Lord's table!"

Back to my roots, bloggily-speaking

2011-04-16T16:07:00.000-05:00

Another Movie That Should (Probably) Never Be Made (but gee, wouldn't it be entertaining if it were?)

Attack of the Belgian Were-Waffle!

No one knew that the IHOP

was Built Over an old

Nuclear Waste Containment Facility!

This Friday,

you will believe that

the spatula is a deadly weapon!

The Were-Waffle is coming! Do You have enough Boysenberry Syrup?

*****

Just say it out loud with me: "Were-Waffle! Were-Waffle! Were-Waffle!

Crunch time!

2011-04-13T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today's offering from one of my new favorite cartoons, Dry Bones.
Passover starts the 18th! I'll be slouching at our seder. How about you?

And then matzoh & harosheth with Easter sunrise breakfast! It's like making Ash Wednesday ashes from last year's palms.

The Melvin Gospel, from chapter 3

2011-04-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.

But John tried to deter him, saying, "Verily, first you must pass the swim test, demonstrating that you can get from one side to the other, and manage the deep end without assistance. For we have not many life guards, and there is much water here."

And Jesus came to John, walking upon the surface of the water. And he asked him, saying, "How's this?"

But John objected further, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?"

Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness."

And the Baptizer was puzzled, and asked him, "Huh? What's that s'pposed to mean?"

"Just trust me on this one, Johnny-Boy," said Jesus, "and let the theologians worry out the rest."

Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water, performing a stunning double back flip with a half-twist. And those who stood on the bank were astonished, and they rated it 9.7 or 9.8, and many asked him for his autograph.

At that moment heaven was opened, and something descended like a dove and lighted on him. And a voice spoke from heaven. The crowd that was there and heard it said it had thundered; others said an angel had spoken to him. Some said they heard, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Others disagreed, and thought the voice had said, "Really?! Only 9.8?! Oh, blind and unbelieving generation!" Still others said they heard, "Oh shoot! I dropped my pigeon!" But he that writes this testimony heard the voice correctly, and knows that it said, "Clean-up in aisle 6!"

Am I the only one...

2011-04-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

...who watches the new Arby's commercial with the jumping, dancing turtles, and thinks of this pulp magazine cover by Will Hulsey?

May, 1957, slightly edited to remove other salacious article titles.

Yup. Probably so.

Allen's Brain reviews Dear Communion of Saints

2011-04-06T14:13:00.001-05:00

Dear Communion of Saints:

I want to write a review for this really humorous book by a very funny Catholic woman whose blog and facebook comments entertain me on a virtually daily basis. My problem is that I'm a small-P protestant that isn't even certain he's a small-C catholic. Can I do this book justice in a review, or should I just stay out of it?

Sincerely (as can be),
Disembodied Online

*****
I hit SEND, and Heaven's virus-protection and anti-spam programs immediately rejects my knee-mail (gag!). However, they DO forward it to some other, lesser community, and I receive back this message.
*****

Dear Disembodied,

Apparently, you are a Christian in poor standing with any diocese or other ecclesiastial ruling body, and so the Dear Abby-style advice you might have received from "The Communion of Saints" has been re-routed to us, "The Figures Proposed for Canonization and then, Upon Further Review, Suggested for Cannon-ization." We have no nifty acronym, sorry.

It's the holidays, here, and normally we would reject your piddly request altogether. However, since St Espressus of Java and I spoke up for you, I have been allowed to field your question.

Now then, although you don't subscribe to the whole "saint" thing, this didn't get in the way of your enjoyment of the book! And you seemed perfectly happy to venerate Sts Valentine and Patrick earlier this year! Even if you didn't know who many of them were, you could certainly get off your glass-encased gluteas cerebellus* and educate yourself on the lives of these inspiring people in one of the books the Ironic Catholic helpfully listed at the end of D.C.o.S.

And so what if you don't do Mass or Lent? You go to church, and you get the gist of Lent (or you seemed to when you were penitently calling upon God the morning after Mardi Gras.) Besides, much of what's in the book appeals to Christians across the spectrum, like dentistry, Thanksgiving turkeys and the problem of committees! I know you chuckled at the "Just get over it and quit whining" nature of some of the answers.

So, in short: Yes, you should definitely write a review of this book. Your friend, I.C., will appreciate it, and your non-Catholic readers will perhaps be inspired to purchase a copy for themselves, and be amused and blessed. Just make sure that you include links to the print and e-book versions of it!

Disgusted at having been asked to answer such a dumb question,

St Melvin

P.S. Eat more watermelon!
-----
*or "brain-butt"

Comic Book Prophecy is Being Fulfilled!

2011-04-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

The International Team of Comic Historians posted the Golden Age comic book, "Rangers of Freedom" #1 on their blog recently.
Wanna' see something scary in its predictive accuracy? They foresaw me AND my BLOG!

click to enlarge, if you can stand it

Oh, it gets better!

Control people thousands of miles away? What sort of diabolical machinery must this be?

look into the visi-screen, and type "Allens-Brain.blogspot.com"...

I call it "my blog."

Muhu-ha-Ha-HAAAAA!

ICFAB Celebrates 5th Birthday!

2011-04-04T08:43:00.000-05:00

Well--a bit belatedly. It was actually yesterday, but I'm almost never near my computer on Sundays.

My, how things have changed in 5 years! Here's a pic of me 5 years ago.

And here's what I look like today!

See the difference? Shocking! Horrifying!

Actually, here is the pic I included with my very first blog post.

Here is one taken a couple weeks ago.

I think I had just looked in the mirror!

Anyway, thanks to my faithful readers--both of you--for sticking it out with me in the lab. Thanks also to the Atomic Lizard-Men for all their hard service, and to the Asparagustersens (They know why.)

More silliness, weirdness, and Messi-Jewishness to come. Certainly, more Gospel of Melvin in the works, and--maybe--more chapters of that inverted fiction classic, Night Of The Java Beast!

Allen's Brain reviews The Demon Cross, by Nathan Shumate

2011-04-01T11:04:00.001-05:00

My familiarity with Nathan Shumate was in connection with his very cool site, Pulp of the Day, in which readers come up with clever captions for the covers of pulp magazines and old paperbacks. Little did I know he was also an author of fun, supernatural detective fiction stories!

According to his website,

"Rennie Avalon is a one-woman private investigations agency whose cases lean toward the fringes of society… and reality. Originally presented as an online serial in 2002-2003, these volumes collect the Avalon & Company storylines for the first time in single volumes, specially edited and revised.”

What he doesn’t say is how much The Demon Cross–and the other Avalon & Co books, I’d imagine–feel like an old-school, rip-snorting pulp detective story mixed with liberal doses of H.P. Lovecraft. Of course, the ripping and snorting in this case, is being done by a young blond woman with a seven-year-old daughter. And she feels like someone about whom more stories had been written, and about whom I hoped more would be written. (Good news! There are more to follow!)

And the book feeds my primitive hunger for outrageous, pulpy, b-movie-style storylines.

Nazis? Check. Occult? Check. A band of neo-Nazis have laid hold of an ancient, unnamed text (Necronomicon, anybody?) and plan to use it to unleash a supernatural demonic force, in order to–well, that bit’s unclear, actually. The closest to a motive we get is a description in the mouth of possessed villain, Hans Mueller, that this monster is “A great, expansive god for all your hate and rage! A power that could work all of the destruction you longed for!”

References to tentacled beings haunting nightmares? Check. (Howard would be proud.) Why does young Beth have nightmares? It has something to do with the occultic goings-on, but, as with reality, the connection isn’t ever quite clear.

Suspense? Check. This is one of the tautest pieces of fiction I’ve read in awhile. Of course, the brevity of the text (90 pages) demands that, but there’s not a lot of long-winded mucking about in the inner lives of the characters. It’s a pure, suspenseful, action-driven story. And yet, the tension is balanced with a number of humorous asides–again, reminiscent of classic ‘tec tales--that keep it from getting too intense or wearing out its suspense value.

The ending? Well, I don’t want to give it away, but it’s a pretty satisfying conclusion. The drawback, however, is that it’s almost deus ex machina in nature. At the last minute, things are revealed that enable our heroes to turn the tide. I suppose that’s what they call a twist ending, but it didn’t really work for me. However, I’m told that I’m hard to please. As a B-movie-style story ending, though it is typical, and even ideal. This is not high-falutin' "great literature," and it never pretends to be. That's one of its greatest charms, in my estimation.

I liked this novel as a whole. It was a fun romp with people I’d like to sped more time with–Avalon & Co, not the Nazis. If the supernatural detective story is your thing, then I’d say you could do a lot worse than Nathan Shumate’s The Demon Cross.

The Birthday of the Brain

2011-04-01T04:44:00.000-05:00

I entered into this world at great pain and expense to two people who deserved neither. I find this to be an apt metaphor for the rest of my life.

Another passage of the Melvin Gospel translated and released.

2011-03-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

And it came to pass--but it failed, anyway--that as they went, Jesus and his followers entered a certain village. (This is a good thing, because, well--have you ever been in one of those uncertain villages? You know the kind: "I'm a village! No, I'm a town! No, wait! I'm a moderately-sized city! Oh! Nope, I'm just a dusty settlement!" and then, "Poof!" they're gone entirely! Very unstable, those uncertain villages.)* And a certain woman there invited them into her home. Her name was Martha--of this, she was certain. She had a sister named Mary, who was less certain about her place, it seems. For instead of helping her sister in the kitchen, she sat at Jesus' feet, listening to what he had to say! See what I mean about being uncertain? Maybe she thought she was Martha's brother, Mary. And while we're on the subject of brothers...

"Sir," Martha said, "I'd like you to meet by brother, Lazarus."

But Mary saith unto her, "Dear sister, he hath not yet risen, but still lies in bed."

"What?" asked Martha, very wroth. "Why, that lazy so-and-so! Mary, if you had awakened him earlier, my brother would not have overslept."

Then she called out to him, "Lazarus! Come forth!" but he did not get up.

"Verily, he is a sound sleeper," Mary said, "like one who is dead."

Martha called for him again and again. After the third time, Lazarus appeared, the bed clothes still wrapped about him.

"I'd have been here sooner," he said, "but I was waiting for those other three guys to get up."

And they were greatly perplexed at his words. And he told them plainly, "Did you not say I was to come fourth?"

And Jesus did laugh. "Next time he won't get up, let me call for him," he said.

And so Martha served the first course: cucumber and leek soup. And this, with a reputable merchant of fresh melons parked practically outside your door, Martha? Add a little fruit to your guests' diet, why don't you? Perhaps, Mary would have been more aware of her place in that house, if you'd fed her more cantaloupe!

Martha was distracted with all of her serving, and she came unto Jesus and said to him, "Sir, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve you and your twelve starving fishermen all alone? I hate to intrude on her role as a model proto-feminist here, but--kindly tell her that, as a woman, her place is in the kitchen!"

Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried about many things. Normally, I'd say you were right. However, your sister Mary gives a great foot massage, and I'm not going to interrupt her."

Enraged and astonished, Martha returned to the kitchen. And great was the clatter of pans striking against one another and of pots breaking on the floor and walls.

And Jesus said to Mary, "That felt great. Next time, you should try it with some perfumed ointment, or something."
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*parentheses added by translators for clarity.

What the lazy Brain has been up to

2011-03-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

Fixed the 2011 Purim shpiel to make it easier to navigate. Hope it helps in the future.

Just noticed on my calendar for March 20th, "Vernal Equinox."

Oh! I always wondered when his birthday was! Never known a Vernal Equinox. Knew a Vernal Johnson, but that's not the same guy, I'm sure.

And what is an "equinox," anyway? I know what an "ox" is. It's kinda like a cow on steroids. And I know that "equine" means "horses." So... is an "equinox" some sort of genetic experiment, then? A horsey-cow? A cow-ey horse?

And then to be named "Vernal" on top of that! How humiliating!