More confusing Christian "kitsch"

I was in my local Christian bookstore the other day. I usually see simplistic or even cheesy religious slogans, but sometimes, I find the truly baffling. Such as this t-shirt:

As best as I could tell, there are no Scripture references or anything else to further explicate this conundrum. (They bypassed the misuse of the Bible by not including any on this shirt: kudos?) Clearly, this is geared to Star Wars fans who love Jesus. I'm okay with that. And while you can find Christian themes in those films, the over-arching worldview and philosophy is pantheistic/Hindu/Buddhist. It's not a worldview that Jesus embraced. Very confusing this is. Difficult to swallow I find it.

And then there was this framed picture:

 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." - Psalm 91:4

The text refers to God protecting his people in the same way a mother hen hides her chicks beneath her wings. Let's see... there's a bird! Birds have feathers AND wings! So, if the little bird is standing in for the Almighty, the that makes us... the door knob? That's right. The message of this picture is that YOU, faithful believer, are a knob -- and you're about to be pooped on.

Patriotic? Religious? T-shirts

So... You're an American Christian, and you want to celebrate Independence Day. You could buy one of these ACTUAL t-shirts!

We're not sure what it is, but there's SOMETHING about them! This is not TOO bad, I guess. You love your God; you love your nation; you want to state that you love them both.

"There is something about" draping the cross with Old Glory that grates on me, however. Like they can't decide which stands higher on the list of priorities. Oh, and the horrid (though typical) misuse of Psalm 33:12! Even if you want to reinterpret Israel as the Church, the ol' U.S. of A. does not have a covenant with God the way Israel did/does.

This is the best pic I could find. Sorry.

This one is kinda cute. Of course, it IS a kids' t-shirt. It's a play on the "inalienable rights" in the Declaration of Independence: "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Meals." The cross stands in for life, the American flag for Liberty (meaningful to an American kid) and what seems like a star-eyed smiley face for Happiness.

Okay.

What slays me is the header, "Jesus gives me." Life and happiness, yes. (Though any thinking person will point out that the guarantee is for the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself.) Liberty, in a non-political sense, sure. (Freedom from sin's power, et al.) But using the flag in this context makes it look as if the shirt is saying Jesus died to give us the freedoms guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. Not too bad, though. You could do much worse--as we'll soon see, sadly.

Jesus tells his followers that we are the light of the world. Matthew 5:16 is cited right on the shirt in case folks aren't familiar with that. I don't think Jesus was talking about the Statue of Liberty, though.

Dissonance aside, this is a nice-looking shirt design.

Wow...

Let's imagine the creative process behind this one.

"Y'know, I really love that Isaiah 53:5! We should put that on a t-shirt!"

"Yeah, we could put some spikes on there--maybe kinda in the shape of a cross!"

"Kewl! But the verse says "stripes." How do we fit that on the shirt?"

"Let's see, what has stripes? Hmm... stripes... 'Stars and Stripes'..."

"That's perfect! We'll stick the American flag on there!"

"And just to make sure they get it, we'll put some stars on the spikes, like they're reflecting or maybe rubbed off."

"Excellent!"
*****

Maybe they were going for the  2 Chronicles 7:14, "Heal their land" thing (also typically misused). I dunno. Mostly, I just think it's bad.

This tee was designed using the blind-folded dart-throw method, it seems.

Ichthus fish--ancient symbol of Christianity.

Jesus Saves--popular religious truth.

"Jesus Saves" cleverly re-fonted as "jesUSAves," meaning:
--Jesus Saves the USA?
--"Jesus Saves" REALLY means "I love America"?
--I'm in the USA, therefore I am saved by Jesus?
--Aren't we clever? We noticed that when you run these two words together, you get USA in the middle! And, Hey! We like the USA! Now we can get TWO of our favorite things on this shirt! Woohoo!

"United States (national flag) of America," because people might not get the "USA" thing?

A nice text from the Psalms, though it's difficult to see it's connection to ANYTHING ELSE on the shirt.

It's kinda like a much more baffling version of the "Something about God and Country" shirt.

The branding/stamp "Paid In Full" paired with John 3:16.

Superimposed on

The U.S. flag clever rendered as the 48 contiguous states..

Wha? 

John 3:16 is abbreviated "For God so loved..." Are we to fill in "... the United States"?
Jesus shed his blood for this country, so they are saved, by virtue of citizenship?
Jesus' death secures our national freedom?

If you think that's confusing, here's some of the ad copy from the website these came from:

"Jesus paid it all, and those who serve our country have followed suit."
And, from the baseball cap version of this design: "This Paid in Full cap gives honor where it's due to our Savior and those who defend our country, too."

Translation: "We find enough similarity between the sacrifices of our troops--living and dead--and the atoning death of Christ, that we feel no qualms about putting the two concepts together in one place, devoid of explanation." I'm not sure if this makes me more angry as a Christian or as an American.


Or as this shirt states so well,

I think I understand the intent of this shirt. Our faith impacts our politics, and it should be so. But it reminds me so much of how some folks can't seem to tell the two apart.

This may be a sort of antidote to the rest of these. True, you've got the Declaration of Independence in the background, Old Glory in the foreground, with "Since 1776." You have a quotation from a patriotic song, "America, God shed his grace on thee."

Then, you have Romans 5:8, which, in this context, may mean, "Our citizens are sinners and in need of God's grace and the forgiveness brought by Christ's death."

Sadly, it's probably just another shirt proclaiming that, since Christianity influenced our founding fathers, we are a Christian nation, and don't you heathen scumbag liberals forget it!

Now THAT would be a great t-shirt!

Santa is co-opted by televangelists!

I saw this shirt on the rack yesterday.

It features Santa's face with the slogan, "You gotta believe to receive."

Remember when you also had to be good?

Theological discussion group: Compare and contrast the Santa of my childhood and this one with the old and new covenants of the Bible.  Is Allen's Brain a sort of Santa Claus Judaizer?

Return of the Brain!

Let's see...

Camp started on the 5th of July. Finished on the 9th. Good week, if a bit warm. There's a few pics of me there up on facebook. (If you're not my friend already, just search for "Allen's Brain." Tell me you came from the brain lab or the blog or something, so I'll know.)

Spent last week recovering. Finally managed to stop shuffling around muttering "Brains..."

Idea for a t-shirt or bumper sticker slogan:

JESUS LOVES YOU!

(He also loves your mom. He's kind of a player that way.)

One for us classic horror fans...

Crud! Now I want one of these t-shirts!

More Inappropriate Usage of Isaiah 53:5...

And an irksome pun, in this context.

Okay, I get it, the "Scars & Stripes Forever" humorously parodies the title of John Philip Sousa's rousing march,"The Stars & Stripes Forever." The "scars" and "stripes" are those belonging to Christ, and their salvific impact lasts "forever." Just in case we miss the reference, The shirt designers have the words of Isaiah 53:5 printed down the white "stripe."

However, must we have an American flag (and with the errant stars spraying off the blue field, it's no doubt intended to be such) as the background--even if it does look like someone smashed a patriotic bug on their windshield? Can't we just assume that people will get the joke, and place the slogan over a picture of the crucifixion?

Both this shirt and the other one may be purchased at Family Christian Stores, one of the largest chains of such businesses.

I Pledge Allegiance to. . . Um. . .

Because Christians never have any difficulty separating their patriotism from their faith.

Which makes Simon Cowell Pontius Pilate, right?

I can't even begin to describe what's wrong with this shirt!

It must have been Jesus' stunning rendition of "Proud Mary" that put him on top. (His arrangement began with a wonderful riff on "Ave Maria.")

Jesus as an idol. As in, "don't make 'em, don't bow down to 'em," to paraphrase his Dad.

Furthemore, could a first century Jew (in his earthly incarnation) be the American Idol?

Additionally, the idea behind the "idol" in "American Idol" is that everyone idolizes you. They want to be you--or, at least, like you. They practically worship you. Is this really what we see reflected in most of the United States?

"And I, if I can win the hearts of the viewers, will draw all men to myself." John 12:32-33 (er...)

Apparently, Isaih 53:3 is a misprint.

Tip o' the ol' hat to Joel at Crummy Church Signs.

It Take Snow Theology

Silent Night, Holy Night.
All is calm. All is bright...

Is the one on the left the "round yon virgin mother"? She is sorta' round...
Does this make the one in the middle baby Jesus? BIG baby Jesus--bowling pin Savior of the world! In that case, the scarf stands in for swaddling clothes.
Joseph seems so satisfied. He's a fine strong boy! What a carpenter he'll make! At least until the spring thaw.

On the other hand, in light of the tan background, maybe the artist has tipped the point of view, so that we're looking down into a manger, and thus he only seems taller.

What do folk art snow men/women have to do with the birth of the Messiah, to which the song "Silent Night" plainly refers?! Frankly, the whole thing leaves me cold.

I don't really get this, but just in case you want to, click here.

Have a Galatians 5 Christmas!

Another odd Christian product (for odd Christians, I'd suppose. "We prefer the term 'peculiar'," they reply)

Coming soon: three folksy reindeer labelled "patience," "kindness," and "goodness," and three brightly-wrapped packages with "faithfulness," "gentleness," and "self-control" beneath them. (Galatians 5:22-23, if this doesn't ring a bell)

Additionally, shirts with coal-filled stockings bearing the "deeds of the flesh" list from Gal 5:19-21 should be in stores soon, too.

Because I know you can't resist owning one of these yourself, you may purchase it here.

Happy Passover!

What do you mean you're a Christian and you don't celebrate Passover?
Passover celebrates how God brought his people out of slavery, through the barren wilderness, into the land he promised to their ancestor Abraham! This is very much the story of the Christian life. Thanks to Jesus, the "prophet like unto Moses" (Deut 18:15ff; 34:10ff) we are freed from slavery to our sins and the old way of life! We just haven't reached our "promised land" yet!
The Passover cannot be celebrated until all the "chometz," leaven, yeast, have been removed from the house. The bread that is eaten at Passover, called matzoh, is thin and cracker-like because it is made without yeast. Ostensibly, this is because the Israelites left Egypt in such a hurry that they didn't have time to add yeast from the last batch of bread to the lumps of bread dough that were in the "kneading troughs." The result being, they left Egypt with unleavened bread! These both have a fine symbol for the modern Christian, because, the New Testament often uses yeast as a symbol of sin. Think about it, it puffs us up with pride at our self rule, and it only takes a little bit to affect our entire being! So, we want to get rid of the "yeast" in our lives and celebrate our deliverance.
The matzoh pictures Christ, because he was without sin. Furthermore, matzoh is pierced full of holes before baking, and Jesus was "pierced for our transgressions." It is worth pointing out that piercing the matzoh in nice, even rows creates a striping effect, and we are reminded that Jesus bore the stripes of the whip for us, and "by his stripes we are healed." (see Isa 53)
We Christians are fairly familiar with this particular symbol, because it was a Passover meal at which Jesus "took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying 'Take, eat, this is my body." We also remember that he took the "fruit of the vine" and reinterpreted its symbolism as the blood he would shed. Based on the fact that it was after the meal, this is the 3rd of four cups of wine/juice that are drunk during the Passover meal, and it is called "The cup of Redemption," because the Lord "redeemed (bought back) his people from slavery." We Christians look at this cup and realize that "we are not bought--not with things that will pass away, like gold or silver--but with the blood of Christ, a lamb without spot or blemish." (1 Pet 1:18-19)
And then there's that pesky "afikomen." (The accent falls on the 'af' and then on the 'ko.') At Passover, you have this cloth sack divided into three pockets, with a piece of matzoh in each pocket, one right on top of the other. During the meal, the middle piece of matzoh is broken, and half is hidden away somewhere in the house. That hidden half is called the afikomen (a Greek word, by the way, not Hebrew.) Near the end of the night, the children are sent throughout the house to find the afikomen. The one who finds it, brings it to the head of the house and it is "redeemed" with money or prizes (like the nifty t-shirts at www.kosher4passover.com.) The rabbis are baffled about this very ancient tradition. What do these matzohs represent, and why is the middle one broken? The original meaning has been lost to the sands of time. Some suggest there are three for the three divisions of Hebrew Scripture: the Torah (law), Nevi'im (prophets), and the kethuvim (the writings.) But why are the prophets broken? Similary, some rabbis believe it is because of the three Jewish patriarchs: Abraham, Yitzach, & Jacob. Again, though, why is Isaac broken? The best explanation (and there are many) lies, I think, with those who have found their Messiah. The three matzohs represent the three personalities that make up the holy trinity of God: God the Father, God the Son (Who we call Jesus), and God the Holy Spirit. The middle matzoh, Jesus, is broken--just as Jesus was (though not his bones, which makes him the perfect Passover Lamb as well); it is hidden away--or, for our purposes, buried; and then it is brought back to light--redeemed from the grave!
There's so much more! In a great twist on the final plague upon the Egyptians, God's own Firstborn is slain in the image and purpose of the Passover lamb. The Passover lamb was to be flawless, and not one of his bones were broken--just Jesus was without flaw of sin, and none of his bones were broken; he was already dead when the Roman soldiers went to break his legs to speed his death.) The lamb was to be killed and have his blood applied around the door of the Israelites' homes so that the 10th plague, the death of the firstborn, would not come upon them. Instead, God would "pass over." When we apply the blood of the Lamb to our hearts, God's judgment does not come upon us!
There is the tradition of setting a place for and going to open the door for Elijah, because Malachi said that Elijah would precede the Messiah--and we remember that Jesus pointed out John the Baptist as "the Elijah who was to come."
They end a Passover feast with the expressed wish to celebrate it in the holy land in the future. "Next year, in Jerusalem!" they say. We Christians can say, "Next year, in the New Jerusalem!" or "Next Year, with Christ!" Or, since the folks at Cornland Christian Church celebrate "passover" every week in "The Lord's Supper," we are perhaps more prone to say, "Next week, around his table!"
Happy Passover!