Dear Mr Answer Guy...

Dear Mr Answer Guy,
Who's the new guy working the graveyard shift in the IHOP kitchen? I've seen him drinking blood on his coffee breaks!
-Addicted to pancakes

Dear Addicted,
That's Count Spatula. He's been out of work for quite some time. Steak & Shake was hiring, but he heard it as "Stake & Shake," so he went elsewhere
*****
Dear Mr Answer Guy,
I'm always being told, "Just hold on there a cotton-pickin' minute!" How long is a "cotton-pickin' minute"?
-Lando Goshen

Dear Lando,
Many things alter the nature of time, and it is indeed relative! However, Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein missed out on this one. The long days and heat in the cotton field actually increase the length of the minute, so that after only 1 hour, it seems as if you have been working 2 or 3. While it is difficult to measure, the cotton-pickin' minute is slightly longer that a gol-durn minute, but not quite so long as a dad-burn minute.
My advice? Stop hanging around with old prospectors.
*****

I'm not usually one to discuss politics, and this hardly counts, but I found this pretty amusing.