John’s disciples came to Jesus and asked him, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"
And Jesus replied, “We fast. Watch and I shall show you.” And he called two of his disciples to him, Simon, called Peter, and John, son of Zebedee. He saith unto them, “The two of you shall have a foot race, from here to that tomb down there. Then return and tell me who reaches it first.”
So Peter and John started for the tomb. Both were running, but John outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. This was odd, because a stone is usually placed over the entrance of a tomb. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. Finally, John, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.
“I believe I got here first,” he said.
And Jesus said, “No one patches an old garment with an old wineskin. Otherwise, when you pour in the new wine, the skin will burst and the patch will pull away, making the tear worse. Then you’ve got a ripped garment with a wine stain, and verily I say unto you, who wants that?
And John’s disciples were perplexed, and they began to say to one another, “What does this have to do with whether or not they fast?”
Jesus, knowing what was in their hearts, replied, “Do you not see, the stain may be avoided if you wash it fast!”
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friday, March 09, 2012
Purim 2012 Shpiel links completed
You can now read the entire shpiel we plan on using Sunday.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
PNN Headline News, Purim 2012
This is PNN, Persian News Network. Here are today’s headlines.
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Folger's Crystals, Purim 2012
Esther: I’ve replaced our regular coffee with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see who notices.
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
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Next
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
*****
Next
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Special Report 2, Purim 2012
This is Special Report, with Wolf Blitzkrieg!
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
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Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
Royal Bedtime Stories, Purim 2012
And now it’s time for Royal Bedtime Stories! That special time where we read from the palace records to help put tired kings into a deep, deep sleep!
Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
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Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
*****
Next
Sandusky & Associates, Purim 2012
Have you been the recent victim of shame? Embarrassment? Humiliation?
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Special Report, Purim 2012
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this very special report!
I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
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I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
"All God's Children" soap opera parody for Purim 2012
Narrator: We now return to “All God’s Children”:
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
Political Ad #2, Purim 2012
Some people just don’t get it!
Persia is a great nation. We have a king, laws, and customs. It’s what makes us the great nation that we are!
But the Jews don’t seem to understand that! They’re scattered throughout our great united provinces, trying to blend in, yet still be separate! They want us to think they’re Persians, but they have their OWN customs and laws. They’re willing to benefit from our nation’s prosperity, but they won’t obey the king’s decrees.
Hello, I’m Haman, and I approved this message. If Jews like Mordecai won’t obey Xerxes’ decree to bow down to me, what OTHER laws might they disregard? This 13th of Adar, show the Jews that you mean business–by killing them all and taking their stuff!
This ad paid for by Haman and the Committee to Annihilate the Jews.
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Persia is a great nation. We have a king, laws, and customs. It’s what makes us the great nation that we are!
But the Jews don’t seem to understand that! They’re scattered throughout our great united provinces, trying to blend in, yet still be separate! They want us to think they’re Persians, but they have their OWN customs and laws. They’re willing to benefit from our nation’s prosperity, but they won’t obey the king’s decrees.
Hello, I’m Haman, and I approved this message. If Jews like Mordecai won’t obey Xerxes’ decree to bow down to me, what OTHER laws might they disregard? This 13th of Adar, show the Jews that you mean business–by killing them all and taking their stuff!
This ad paid for by Haman and the Committee to Annihilate the Jews.
*****
Next
Kit-Kat Commercial Parody, Purim 2012
Haman sings to the tune of “Gimme a Break (Kit-Kat Bar)”
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
I am Haman!
I am Haman!
I have been promoted over
Eve-ry-one!
So...
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
Haman: Oh, Mordecai.
Mordecai: What is it, Haman?
Haman: Did you hear about my promotion?
Mordecai: Of course.
Haman: Well?
Mordecai: What do you want? A Kit-Kat Bar?
Haman: No! You’re supposed to bow in my presence!
Mordecai: Forget it, Haman.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
Haman: Gesundheit!
Mordecai: No. I’m “a Jew.” I’m Jewish.
Haman: Oh, okay.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
(I) won’t bow to you.
(I’ll) bow to God and to the king (but)
Not to you!
Gimme a break,
You big ol’ fake!
Thinking I will bow is a
Big mi-stake!
*****
Next
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
I am Haman!
I am Haman!
I have been promoted over
Eve-ry-one!
So...
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!
Haman: Oh, Mordecai.
Mordecai: What is it, Haman?
Haman: Did you hear about my promotion?
Mordecai: Of course.
Haman: Well?
Mordecai: What do you want? A Kit-Kat Bar?
Haman: No! You’re supposed to bow in my presence!
Mordecai: Forget it, Haman.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
Haman: Gesundheit!
Mordecai: No. I’m “a Jew.” I’m Jewish.
Haman: Oh, okay.
Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
(I) won’t bow to you.
(I’ll) bow to God and to the king (but)
Not to you!
Gimme a break,
You big ol’ fake!
Thinking I will bow is a
Big mi-stake!
*****
Next
More Headline News, Purim 2012
A crisis was narrowly averted today, as two plotting assassins were arrested before they could carry out their fiendish plot against the recently-wed King Achashverosh.
The conspirators, Bigthan and Teresh, were employed as security personnel at the palace entrance when their plot was uncovered. Law enforcement officials said the two men were disgruntled employees, but did not disclose the source of their anger. Failed salary negotiations may have played a part, but maybe they just hated their names. I mean, really! "Teresh"? "Bigthan"?
Officers were tipped off to the plot by Queen Esther herself, who credited her cousin Mordecai with the discovery. Mordecai's good deed was recorded in the king's book, "People I Should Thank Someday When I Get Around To It."
Brought up on charges of insurrection and attempted regicide, the two plotters were convicted and condemned to death by impalement. This was deemed an appropriate punishment for men who had been so stuck up in life.
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The conspirators, Bigthan and Teresh, were employed as security personnel at the palace entrance when their plot was uncovered. Law enforcement officials said the two men were disgruntled employees, but did not disclose the source of their anger. Failed salary negotiations may have played a part, but maybe they just hated their names. I mean, really! "Teresh"? "Bigthan"?
Officers were tipped off to the plot by Queen Esther herself, who credited her cousin Mordecai with the discovery. Mordecai's good deed was recorded in the king's book, "People I Should Thank Someday When I Get Around To It."
Brought up on charges of insurrection and attempted regicide, the two plotters were convicted and condemned to death by impalement. This was deemed an appropriate punishment for men who had been so stuck up in life.
*****
Next
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
StyleWatch, Purim 2012
And now, our StyleWatch correspondent, Sarah Shallow:
Well, the royal palace has really been buzzing this week! As you know, King Xerxes has been trying out contestants for quite some time now on his reality show "Future Housewives of Elam Province." And the red carpet has been packed with a bevy of beauties, but none caught the king's eye quite like a young lady known to us only as "Esther." Esther, as you know, is our Persian goddess of love and beauty, and the nickname really fits! She is a stunning exotic beauty! Definitely NOT the girl-next-door!
None of my sources have been able to sniff out who she really is, or why she's keeping it a secret. Rumor has it that her real name is Hadassah bat-Abihail, and that she was an orphan raised by her cousin Mordecai, who is a palace official. If that's true, then she may have an inside track to the royal life.
But none of that matters to the king. He is more taken with her than with any other girl he's auditioned. As far as he's concerned, she is Esther, Queen of Persia! That's right! We'll be hearing royal wedding bells pretty soon! I'll be here to bring you all the news about her dress and everything else in our exclusive report tomorrow!
For StyleWatch, I'm Sarah Shallow.
*****
Next
Well, the royal palace has really been buzzing this week! As you know, King Xerxes has been trying out contestants for quite some time now on his reality show "Future Housewives of Elam Province." And the red carpet has been packed with a bevy of beauties, but none caught the king's eye quite like a young lady known to us only as "Esther." Esther, as you know, is our Persian goddess of love and beauty, and the nickname really fits! She is a stunning exotic beauty! Definitely NOT the girl-next-door!
None of my sources have been able to sniff out who she really is, or why she's keeping it a secret. Rumor has it that her real name is Hadassah bat-Abihail, and that she was an orphan raised by her cousin Mordecai, who is a palace official. If that's true, then she may have an inside track to the royal life.
But none of that matters to the king. He is more taken with her than with any other girl he's auditioned. As far as he's concerned, she is Esther, Queen of Persia! That's right! We'll be hearing royal wedding bells pretty soon! I'll be here to bring you all the news about her dress and everything else in our exclusive report tomorrow!
For StyleWatch, I'm Sarah Shallow.
*****
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TV Ad for Eroyalty.com, Purim 2012
Are you young? Beautiful? Vivacious? Single?
Are you tired of other dating services where the guys just aren't what they appear to be in their online profiles? Are you ready to finally find the man of your dreams--the one who really IS rich, really IS powerful, who really DOES have a big, beautiful house with lots of servants?
Then you're ready for Eroyalty.com! Other dating sites promise you'll meet a handsome prince, but only offer frogs. With Eroyalty.com, we promise that a real, live, single king will view your profile! And your face. And... every other angle. But that's okay, because you're young and beautiful, right?
AND if you sign up right now, we'll throw in a VERY special bonus: A year-long membership at the empire-famous Hegai's Harem Spa, where you'll receive the best pampering and beauty treatments the king's money can afford!
Stop meeting frogs! Have your very own fairy tale romance RIGHT NOW, with a man who will treat YOU like a queen! Eroyalty.com!
(Some restrictions apply. Must reply in person and win a beauty contest to qualify. Offer not valid outside the empire. See Harem personnel for details.)
NEXT
Are you tired of other dating services where the guys just aren't what they appear to be in their online profiles? Are you ready to finally find the man of your dreams--the one who really IS rich, really IS powerful, who really DOES have a big, beautiful house with lots of servants?
Then you're ready for Eroyalty.com! Other dating sites promise you'll meet a handsome prince, but only offer frogs. With Eroyalty.com, we promise that a real, live, single king will view your profile! And your face. And... every other angle. But that's okay, because you're young and beautiful, right?
AND if you sign up right now, we'll throw in a VERY special bonus: A year-long membership at the empire-famous Hegai's Harem Spa, where you'll receive the best pampering and beauty treatments the king's money can afford!
Stop meeting frogs! Have your very own fairy tale romance RIGHT NOW, with a man who will treat YOU like a queen! Eroyalty.com!
(Some restrictions apply. Must reply in person and win a beauty contest to qualify. Offer not valid outside the empire. See Harem personnel for details.)
NEXT
Weather report for Purim 2012
Your Persian weather report starts now!
Let's take a look at our weather map. As you can see, Achashverosh has been reigning for 3 years, over all 127 provinces, but keep those umbrellas handy, people! There's no end in sight for this reign.
What's more, in the Shushan capital complex, "he's reigning, he's pouring"--drinks, that is! As if everything else wasn't soggy enough, the palace region will be totally sloshed, as it's open bar all week for our politicians!
However, our doppler radar--whatever that is--shows that the most boos will be for Haman.
We'll be back with more news, right after this...
*****
Next
Let's take a look at our weather map. As you can see, Achashverosh has been reigning for 3 years, over all 127 provinces, but keep those umbrellas handy, people! There's no end in sight for this reign.
What's more, in the Shushan capital complex, "he's reigning, he's pouring"--drinks, that is! As if everything else wasn't soggy enough, the palace region will be totally sloshed, as it's open bar all week for our politicians!
However, our doppler radar--whatever that is--shows that the most boos will be for Haman.
We'll be back with more news, right after this...
*****
Next
Ancient Persian Political Ad, Purim 2012
Does Achashverosh deserve the royal throne?
He claims that he's all about hard work and careful spending, BUT he just spent the last 180 days throwing a lavish party for all of Persia's already-overpaid government officials!
He claims he's pro-family values--that he believes "Every man should be the ruler in his own house"--BUT he recently held a week-long drunken stag party where he asked his wife to be the central attraction! THEN he banished her when she refused, and is holding a beauty pageant to pick his next wife!
Achashverosh. Can we trust him? Probably not, but what choice do we have? He's the king.
"I'm King Ach-- Achashi-- I'm King Xerxes, and I, hic, approve this--massage."
This ad paid for by Citizens Against Personal Impalement. We love you, Your Majesty!
*****
That' right, folks! It's Purim again!
NEXT
He claims that he's all about hard work and careful spending, BUT he just spent the last 180 days throwing a lavish party for all of Persia's already-overpaid government officials!
He claims he's pro-family values--that he believes "Every man should be the ruler in his own house"--BUT he recently held a week-long drunken stag party where he asked his wife to be the central attraction! THEN he banished her when she refused, and is holding a beauty pageant to pick his next wife!
Achashverosh. Can we trust him? Probably not, but what choice do we have? He's the king.
"I'm King Ach-- Achashi-- I'm King Xerxes, and I, hic, approve this--massage."
This ad paid for by Citizens Against Personal Impalement. We love you, Your Majesty!
*****
That' right, folks! It's Purim again!
NEXT
Monday, February 13, 2012
Scary Valentines of Yore
A few rather disturbing valentine cards from several decades back. These, and many more were posted by the entertaining nostalgia blog, And Everything Else, Too.
Ah, romance under the Big Top! The caveman clown clubs Ronald McDonald's sister, Leilani the hula dancer, under the assumption that this act of malevolent behavior will motivate her to be his Valentine. I'm told some women favor the caveman approach to courtship, but I don't think this is what was meant. I hope it works out for them, though, suffering as they are from terminal jaundice. And isn't the guy just a bit too, um, cheeky?
Already I'm a liar. This pic wasn't found at AndEverythingElseToo. Sorry.
But this one was...
Um, here we have the savage jungle theme again--so VERY un-PC. However, the anklet is now on the aother foot, gender-speaking. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? No. "If music be the food of love..."? Uh-uh. "I could just eat you up"? Closer. You "soup me" might have been a more apt slogan. Note how Caucasion these two are. Not that it would be any less-creepy if they were depicted as a different race--but isn't it odd?
And speaking of eating...
Inter-species romance? It would initially appear so. And what gal wouldn't fall for this approach? "You annoy me, so please be my girlfriend." No, we all know what's going on, here. "Come into my parlor, said the spider to the... ladybug." He's asking to have her to his place for dinner. Dapper arachnid, though.
Happy Valentine's Day?
What better way to say "I love you" than a St Espressus of Java t-shirt or mug? I can think of a few.
 |
| Because violence so often begets romance! |
Already I'm a liar. This pic wasn't found at AndEverythingElseToo. Sorry.
But this one was...
 |
| Just say NO to pot. |
And speaking of eating...
This one is too grim to contemplate, I think. Who would think that this was a suitable card for kids? Hallmark, apparently. Anyone who gives out this Valentine clearly is crying out for help.
Happy Valentine's Day?
What better way to say "I love you" than a St Espressus of Java t-shirt or mug? I can think of a few.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
For just dollars a day...
Y'know how animal rescue agencies post pictures of cute but homeless animals, begging you to adopt them? Why can't we do this with homeless people?
"Paul is very affectionate. He loves taking walks in the park and is great with kids. However, due to the economic downturn, Paul is also homeless. But he won't be anymore if you'll adopt him!"
Maybe if we took Paul's picture with a cute kitten...
And no spaying or neutering! (Thanks, HM Snow!)
"Paul is very affectionate. He loves taking walks in the park and is great with kids. However, due to the economic downturn, Paul is also homeless. But he won't be anymore if you'll adopt him!"
Maybe if we took Paul's picture with a cute kitten...
And no spaying or neutering! (Thanks, HM Snow!)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Why they don't let me teach Jr High Social Studies
Chapter 15 Study Guide
Key terms, people, events, places:
1. Serfs: Rides the ocean waves on a long board.
2. Humanism: Belief in the existence of humans -- "A human is, um..."
3. Imperialism: Going to Burger King in ancient Rome.
4. Czar: The wrong way to spell "car."
5. Communism: People can catch your disease.
6. Athens: Where people who hate chickens direct their anger.
7. Feudalism: Belief in fighting and arguing.
8. Industrial Revolution: Spinning dusty businesses.
9. Textiles: An ancient style of instant-messaging using squares of stone or ceramic.
10. Alliance: 100% of iance.
11. Westernization: Creating a world filled with cowboys.
12. Vladimir Lenin: Lead singer for the Russian Beatles.
13. Dictator: A bossy spud.
14. Cold War: Battle for control of the thermostat in December.
15. Destructive Nationalism: Burning someone else's flag.
Answer the following:
16. How was Alexander the Great able to spread Greek culture throughout the world?
Facebook, of course.
17. What ancient civilization did we inherit the idea of an organized system of written down laws from?
Grammar Nazis?
18. During the Renaissance, how did the formation of the middle class cause monarchs not to need the help of feudal lords?
People used to fight during lunch hour, so they needed feudal lords to make rulings on who the winners were. Then, they developed a middle class. It took place between morning and afternoon classes. It kept people too busy for feuds.
19. How did science change during the Age of Revolution?
Spelling. It used to be spelled "syints."
20. How did Peter the Great and Catherine the Great westernize Russia?
They imported more John Wayne movies.
21. What was the Russian Congress called, and which czar was forced to instate it?
"Congressnik." Czar Boris the Badenov had to create it, to "stop moose and squirrel."
22. What form of government did Vladimir Lenin bring to Russia?
Popsiclism: rule by frozen treats.
*****
See Why they don't let me judge the Science Fair.
Key terms, people, events, places:
1. Serfs: Rides the ocean waves on a long board.
2. Humanism: Belief in the existence of humans -- "A human is, um..."
3. Imperialism: Going to Burger King in ancient Rome.
4. Czar: The wrong way to spell "car."
5. Communism: People can catch your disease.
6. Athens: Where people who hate chickens direct their anger.
7. Feudalism: Belief in fighting and arguing.
8. Industrial Revolution: Spinning dusty businesses.
9. Textiles: An ancient style of instant-messaging using squares of stone or ceramic.
10. Alliance: 100% of iance.
11. Westernization: Creating a world filled with cowboys.
12. Vladimir Lenin: Lead singer for the Russian Beatles.
13. Dictator: A bossy spud.
14. Cold War: Battle for control of the thermostat in December.
15. Destructive Nationalism: Burning someone else's flag.
Answer the following:
16. How was Alexander the Great able to spread Greek culture throughout the world?
Facebook, of course.
17. What ancient civilization did we inherit the idea of an organized system of written down laws from?
Grammar Nazis?
18. During the Renaissance, how did the formation of the middle class cause monarchs not to need the help of feudal lords?
People used to fight during lunch hour, so they needed feudal lords to make rulings on who the winners were. Then, they developed a middle class. It took place between morning and afternoon classes. It kept people too busy for feuds.
19. How did science change during the Age of Revolution?
Spelling. It used to be spelled "syints."
20. How did Peter the Great and Catherine the Great westernize Russia?
They imported more John Wayne movies.
21. What was the Russian Congress called, and which czar was forced to instate it?
"Congressnik." Czar Boris the Badenov had to create it, to "stop moose and squirrel."
22. What form of government did Vladimir Lenin bring to Russia?
Popsiclism: rule by frozen treats.
*****
See Why they don't let me judge the Science Fair.
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