Suggestions for Killing a Twilight Vampire

While hanging out at a local gaming shop recently, I observed that the owner, Paul, had a bottle of water from the river Jordan with a crucifix built into the lid, ideal for killing vampires. (I'm no a gamer, really, but he's also a great source for the latest in Lovecraftiana.

A discussion then arose about how to kill a Twilight vampire, since, according to an online faq:

Twilight vampires are not allergic to garlic or silver, their reflections can be seen in a mirror, and they show up in pictures. They don't sleep, and their bodies are pale, cold and hard. They don't age or change at all.

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They can't get killed with a stake through the heart or by exposure to the sun. They can actually go out in the sun, but their skin shines like it was made of crystals; consequently, they don't go out into direct sunlight, as it would mark them as different.

So then, how do you kill a Twilight vampire? I suggested:

-Cheering him up?

-Skewer him with flowers?

-Thrust a rainbow-colored unicorn horn through his heart?

And finally, it wouldn't kill one, but consider whipping out a CareBear instead of a crucifix. "Back, Thou foul and mopey demon!"

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No. You're right. I've never read the books or seen the movies. Please contain your horror at my ignorant retort.

Resolutions out the window already!

This year, I planned on losing weight and increasing my bank account.

Already, I have gained weight and decreased my bank account.

Darn.

The Sacred Ministry of Holy Thwacking?

The classic church-related humor of Pontius' Puddle.

The cure is near?

Everyone now knows about the H1N1 virus, an illness so impossible that the original name indicates pigs flying ("swine flew," right?) Speaking of original names, I keep pronouncing the 1's as if they are I's, so that it comes out sounding like the "hiney" virus.

We are fortunate to live in these United States and have immunizations available against the nasty stuff! However, I wonder about the intelligence of some of the pharmacies advertising that you can get shots for H1N1 at their store locations. Here are a couple of the more poorly-worded ads.

H1N1 IS HERE

Thanks. We hadn't heard.

WE HAVE H1N1

Um, I'm sorry to hear that. Be sure to get plenty of bed rest and liquids.

And my favorite:

WE HAVE H1N1 INJECTIONS HERE

As a mad scientist brain-in-a-jar, this fills me with glee! They've bottled the virus, and packaged it in easy-to-use syringes, so I can give it to whomever I wish! I'll take 25, please. I have some very deserving folks in mind.

A solution to an age-old church building problem?

Or is it an "old-age" church building problem?

Another Christmas passed, but still...

I have never:

-Ridden in a one-horse open sleigh.
Even though I know it isn't the correct lyrics, I still occasionally hear my mouth form the words "one horse soapin' sleigh." I imagine it's some sort of Victorian-era Zamboni with bars of soap and rags instead of runner blades, used to clean and polish frozen ponds and ice rinks.
I found myself singing the whole line as a question at least twice this year: "Oh, what fun is it to ride in a one horse open sleigh?"

-Decked ANY halls with boughs of holly.
Sure, I've put up holyday greenery around the house and church building, but it's usually of the coniferous evergreen variety--and always artificial, to the best of my recollection. Now, there may have been some plastic holly sprigs on candle arrangements or something, but entire boughs? No.
I still sing it "boodjuhs of holly," after the animated Little Rascals Christmas special from my childhood.

-Roasted chestnuts on an open fire.
In college, and since then, I have sung it,

"Jack Frost roasting on an open fire.

Chestnuts nipping at your nose.

Hog-tied Harold being hung by a choir

Composed of angry Eskimos that everybody knows.

Beef jerky and a wounded toe

Help to make the season blight.

Tater tots with a nuclear glow

Make it hard to sleep at night..."

-Told ghost stories at Christmas time.

"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago." So says the song, "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year." I've never found that to be part of my holyday activities.

I do give a listen to Patrick Stewart's reading of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" every year recently, so maybe that counts.

And... to be inclusive, I guess...

-Made a dreidel out of clay.

I've made them out of cardboard. I've played with plastic ones and wood ones. I have seen kits online for clay dreidel-making kits, but I've never made one.

~sigh~ Maybe next year.

Scrambled Christmas Game

Have a Christmas get-together planned, but know that the young'uns will be bored before dessert can be served? Here's something that might occupy their feral brainstems for a few minutes, anyway.

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Scrambled Christmas

Can you unscramble the following holiday words and phrases?

01. Lhadiyo

02. Mergan

03. Gognge

04. Glanse

05. Nepsters

06. Sphreeshd

07. Nista Salohcin

08. Ceepa

09. Stinkgosc

10. Vanityit

11. Thiwe Stirhmacs

12. Gmia

13. Eifv Dognel Snigr

14. Helthbeem

15. Derinere

16. Racknifsneen

17. Kafciteur

18. Trohn Pelo

19. Rhymr

20. Salisaw

21. Norgilac

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Scrambled Christmas key

01. Holiday
02. Manger
03. Eggnog
04. Angels
05. Presents
06. Shepherds
07. Saint Nicholas
08. Peace
09. Stockings
10. Nativity
11. White Christmas
12. Magi
13. Five Golden Rings
14. Bethlehem
15. Reindeer
16. Frankincense
17. Fruitcake
18. North Pole
19. Myrrh
20. Wassail
21. Caroling