Amish Film Festival

June 6-8 in Arthur, IL is the Amish American Film Festival. These eight feature-length pictures (and two short subjects) have been approved for showing by the Amish community.

Here's what the AAFF is showing this year.

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Tickets are $15 in advance, and $20 at the box-office.

Second Annual Preacher Flog

This Sunday, in conjunction with Memorial Day weekend, Cornland Christian Church is holding their second annual "Preacher Flog."

"We had tried a dunk tank in past years, but that wasn't nearly as exciting, I guess," remarked CCC minister, Allen Z'brain.

Instead, church members are permitted to heap verbal abuse on Allen and beat him with pool toys called "noodles" or cardboard tubes from the inside of gift wrap rolls.

"It's only fair," quipped member Sam Francisco. "He spends the rest of the year beating us up on Sundays."

One member who refused to be named added, "Most of us are saying this stuff behind his back, anyway. It's good to be able to get it out in the open!"

"The beating doesn't really hurt that much," said Allen, "and I think it's probably therapeutic for some to air their grievances against me. I've gotten some great constructive feedback--and some really hurtful comments as well. But," he laughs, "I probably deserved them!"

For a small fee, non-members can join in the preacher flog as well.

Chapter 19: The Creature Goes for a Stroll!

Boy, has it been a long stretch since we peeked in on Night Of The Java Beast!
*****

It was a beautiful day for a picnic: Clear skies, sunny, and eighty-degrees with just a breath of wind. But the Evans family wasn’t going on a picnic. They were rural people, farmers, real salt-of-the-earth types; and there were chores to be done. No time for dilly-dallying like city folk or tourists. Alas, today might make them reconsider their priorities. After today, they might take time to dally a few dillies, and spend precious time with their loved ones.

Little Molly Evans scattered feed for the hens, and watched as they pecked every kernel from the ground. Would she have stood by so casually, had she known the horror that waited for her just around the corner?

A great, eight-legged thing most closely-resembling a giant octopus lumbered toward the Evans farm. Catching the scent of living creatures, its appetite was stirred, and it began to stalk warily along the small stand of trees at the property’s edge. As it approached the coop, the chickens began to squawk loudly, flopping up and down in their panic. The girl, having not yet seen the creature, was baffled at the birds’ behavior.

"What is the matter with you all?" she asked.

Without warning, the huge thing swept in, tentacles undulating wildly! Molly shrieked and fled to the shelter of the farmhouse. The chickens, however, were not so lucky. Naught but a few feathers remained in the creature’s wake as it headed menacingly for the corral.

The crack of a rifle sounded: once, twice. Ben Evans jacked the shells out of the shotgun and reloaded. By now, he had the beast’s attention. He took more careful aim this time, and both bullets struck the thing’s side--and bounced off! It hissed and charged the man, its arms quavering with rage!
*****

The phone rang. "Sheriff’s office. Yes, this is he. What can I do for you? A what? Octopus? But that’s a water animal–they don’t come up on land. Uh-huh. Now, Annie, are you sure it wasn’t just a big spider you saw? Uh-huh. Well, alright. If you’re sure. Yes, Cal’s here with me. I’ll ask him to come along. We’ll be there pretty soon. G’bye, Annie."
*****

"Eight legs, Sheriff! With suckers all over one side! It ate Ben! That–monster–ate my husband, Sheriff! Swallowed him down with one gulp!"

"And the chickens!" Molly piped up. "It ate up all my pretty chickens! It was gonna eat the horses, too, but Daddy shot it–so it ate up Daddy instead!" Fresh tears rolled from her eyes.

I put my arm around her. "Well, Molly, we’re gonna make sure that this–whatever it was--doesn’t eat up anyone else’s daddy. If this thing is really the way you described it, we’re gonna need a scientist on our side. Dr Hazelwood lives around here, and he’s an expert on mutations in marine biology. I’ll give him a call as soon as we get back to town."
*****

"Oh come now, Cal! You have a single report--one witness! I think we can safely discount the little girl. Children have overactive imaginations. You’ve studied psychology, Cal. People faced with traumatic events often make up fantastic stories as a way for their subconscious minds to deal with what they’ve seen!"

"Then what happened to Evans–and the chickens?"

"I’m sure I don’t know. Maybe a coyote got the chickens, and Evans chased after it into the desert."

"Would that be traumatic enough for them to make up such a story?"

"Maybe. It’s just one of a number of things that might possibly have happened. All I’m saying is, until you have more evidence that it’s more than that–or another sighting–I’m not coming down there. My work is too important to go chasing after every bogey man reported by crackpots or hysterical women! Goodbye." click

"Goodbye, Hazelwood," I grated. "I hope that thing comes to your house, next."
*****

More chapters here.

Comic Analysis Monday

If you haven't been following Garfield lately, John finally got himself a steady girlfriend. Yep. All those gags about being turned down for dates? They can't use 'em anymore. At least until these two break up. That event seems tragically close today.

Jon and Liz have been dating for several months now, and have reached the point in their relationship in which their pasts surface, and those expectations and disappointments begin to affect the romance. Cartoonist Jim Davis is introducing the theme of the characters' checkered pasts by having both of them using an item from their childhood.

She's wearing a sweater that belonged to her former boyfriend: Charlie Brown. See the trademark zigzag pattern? That's right. She's dyed her hair, but Liz is the little red-haired girl all grown up! (The zigzag sat lower on her young torso, then.) Charlie had been fun for awhile--and very loyal. However, his ability to commit to a growing, healthy relationship could only be described as "wishy-washy." And then, of course, there had been those dalliances with Peppermint Patty...

Jon holds up a golf club that hasn't been usable since he was eight. It is, for him, a symbol of past glories and victories which he expects to return to him today, and cement his deluded perception of himself as a great athlete--the sort that many women are attracted to. Back then, his skill at mini golf had garnered the approval of the most important woman in his life--his mother. Today, alas, his ability to conform to the Olympian ideal is likely to fall short--short as his child-sized golf club!

Will Davis continue this discussion of the couples' pasts in future panels, or will it remain--as is so often the case--barely-hidden subtext?

How the Benjamites got their wives.

You may remember the peculiar story in Judges 21:20ff of how the men of the tribe of Benjamin once obtained wives by hiding in the bushes at a religious festival, and then jumping out and grabbing themselves each a wife when the girls began to dance. Think "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," and the Roman tale of the Sabine women. Ew. Anyway, it made a list that has circulated blogs and emails of weird Bible ways to get a wife. I remember this story, but I had forgotten the horrid details that brought this about.

WARNING: THIS IS GONNA GET MORE THAN A LITTLE BIT PG-13! THE SQUEAMISH OR EASILY-OFFENDED MAY WANT TO SKIP THE REST OF THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! A WORD TO THE WISE IS SUPERFLUOUS!

In Judges 19, a Levite (man from the priestly family) was traveling with his concubine. (Already... ew!) He stops for the night in Gibeah, a city belonging to the tribe of Benjamin, accepting the hospitality of someone living there.

Well, during the night, some troublemakers come to the house and decide to (last warning. turn back now!) go all Sodom on the guy's guest. (In fact, a lot of this sounds like Genesis 19!) The owner of the house refuses, but the locals won't go away. Finally, the Levite offers them his concubine, and (I did warn you!) they rape her, and she turns up on the doorstep in the morning dead.

The Levite (did I not warn you?) cuts the girl into 12 pieces and sends them around to the 12 territories of Israel, calling them to battle. The Benjamites, confronted with the story, refuse to even apologize, and so the rest of the nation attacks Gibeah, and kills off most of the population of Benjamin. Additionally, they swear not to give their daughters as wives to any of the men of Benjamin.

After the battle, they calm down a bit, and realize what they've done. They've not only killed off many of their fellow Israelites--men and women--but they've also doomed them to near extinction by refusing to help them repopulate their tribe. So, they ask around, and find out that nobody from the city of Jabesh-Gilead came down to join in the fight against Gibeah. Well then, they figure, if they didn't come down to join us, they didn't vow to not give their daughters in marriage to the Benjamites! So, (if you haven't heeded the warning so far, it's too late now) they go to Jabesh-Gilead and kill off everyone whose not an eligible young woman. They then take these 400 girls and offer them to the Benjamite survivors as potential brides. 400 is still not enough to cover their losses. Where else can they find good Israelite women for these guys to marry, since all the rest of the nation has already made an oath before God not to let the Benjamites marry any their daughters?

Here is their solution: During a religious festival at Shiloh, (we're in chapter 21, for those trying to follow along at home and got hung up in the battle descriptions of chapter 20) when all the young women will be joining in the folk dances, the Benjamites were invited to come up and kidnap the girls they still needed for wives. See, while they had vowed not to GIVE their daughters in marriage to the Benjamites, they weren't technically GIVING them. They just weren't stopping the guys from TAKING the girls!

In other words, the whole thing was a legal loophole to salve their consciences about breaking their vows to God!

And the story concludes the way it began, with the apt description of this lawless era: "In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes." - Judges 21:25 When the laws aren't enforced (or are reinterpreted in such a way as to have the same effect), and people have no regard for the Law of God, this is the kind of junk that goes on! An apt warning for our world, I'd say.

We are not alone!

The invaders from another world have arrived!

Note the peculiar headgear, indicative of interstellar travel. Called mor-t'borrd in their own language, the flat top enables more comfortable trips in zero gravity situations where the ceiling may become the floor, and vice versa.

In the hands of the being pictured is a powerful weapon they call a d'plo makh. We believe it is capable of projecting deadly atomic particles with lethal accuracy.

All who value their lives would do well to learn to recognize the aliens' war cry: Suh Mervaykeh Shon! Which means something like, "I am bored. Where is the nearest pool?"

*****

Congrats to nephew Jonah for completing Preesk Uuhl!

How is that again?

As it turns out, I have been singing a kid's song wrong all these years. My almost-five nephew Jonah came home from preschool yesterday singing a song that I had always sung

I've got peace like a river.
I've got peace like a river.
I've got peace like a river in my soul (or heart; depends on who's singing.)

Yesterday, I found out that the real lyrics are "I got bees by the river in my heart."

In keeping with the water theme, I found out that you also get "bees by the ocean." We had always sung it, "I've got love like the ocean." What a dope I've been!

Finally, I thought the lyric of the next verse was "I've got joy like a fountain." Turns out it's not "fountain"; it's "mountain."

Music and lyrics here if you're not familiar with the song. Though it's typically sung a bit faster than that midi file has it. I think it was created for singing with zombie children--or maybe the "slow children" mentioned on the "Slow Children Playing" signs.
*****

Watched "The Little Vampire" last night. Cute monster-related children's movie. Fun fact, Narnia fans: the blonde little sister vampire is Anna Popplewell, the actress who plays the eldest girl, Susan, in the recent Chronicles of Narnia movies.

Looking For Loopholes

I saw a bumper sticker today that asked "What kind of world are you leaving behind for your grandchildren?"

Does this mean that if I am childless and (subsequently) grandchildless, I can sin and pollute as much as I want?

Your history lesson for today

“Well, I never give the matter no more’n what you’d call passin’ notice when I read it in the hist’ry books, so there might be some abstruse theological p’int I missed. But as I rec’lect it there was several schools of thought back there in England an’ on the continent regardin’ the proper road to salvation—one faction holdin’ out fer sprinklin’, an’ another fer dunkin’, an’ a third fer purgatory, an’ a fourth fer instant damnation. All designed primarily to prevent folks from enjoyin’ the primrose path to hell. Sech was the fervor of the adherents to these momentous propositions that they backed up their faith with jailin’s, beheadin’s, burnin’s, an’ torturin’s. Well, after standin’ about so much of it these here Pilgrims and Puritans decided it wasn’t no place fer underprivileged minorities, so they sailed acrost the ocean an’ landed there in New England where they could be free to worship God in their own way, accordin’ to the dictates of their conscience—an’ which they done by shootin’ all the Siwashes they seen, stealin’ their land, an’ buildin’ churches on it in which to praise God fer their deliverance.”

“Was these folks s’posed to be Christians?”

-American history according to Black John Smith & Lyme Cushing
in Justice On Halfaday Creek

Inspirational quote of the day?

Remember the words of Dashboard Jesus, how he said "It is more blessed to get gifts than receipts." - not Acts 20:35