Monday, March 01, 2010

Highlight Reel from my Purim Shpiel 2010

"The king of Persia was not a very well-adjusted individual. This stemmed from having had a very cruel childhood. 'And how do we know that he had very cruel parents?' ask the Jewish sages. 'Because,' says Rabbi Shimei, 'they named him Achashverosh.'"

"The Greeks didn't like him either. They called him 'King Jerky,' though he came later to be known as 'Xerxes,' which looks a lot like 'Xerox.' 'King Xerox'!"

"Having long ago run out of beer, and having had their fill of meads--like Darius & Cyrus*--they were left with only wine to drink. Perhaps you are familiar with those exquisite Persian wines: 'Everything is so expensive!' 'Why is it so hot?' 'What's with all the sand everywhere?!'**"

"Esther was stunning in the evening gown competition. She simmered in the swimsuit competition. But it was the talent portion of the contest that truly sealed the deal, when she wowed the judges with her rendition of 'Hey Jew.'***"

"And so the villainous Haman (Boo!) hatched a plot against the Jews, though later it was apparent that his plan laid an egg."

"Esther sent word to Mordecai, asking him, 'Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head?' Mordecai responded, 'I'm in mourning for my people, so I'm wearing sackcloth.'
"She sent him other clothes to wear, but he refused. He had always hated orange plaid."

"The day is celebrated by sending food to the poor; drinking a lot, apparently; and the eating of small chocolate rabbits, known as 'Esther bunnies.'"

*As in "Medes."
**Also known as Persian whines.
***"Hey Jew, Don't make it ham. Take a bad meal and make it kosher." The Beatles weren't Jewish?


PaperSmyth said...

[In best Valley Girl accent]: Hey, man, do you mean The Esther of "Persia's Got Talent?"

Allen's Brain said...

Like, fer sure! Totally!