Interview With A Wolf-Man, by Allen's Brain

Author Anne Rice struck it rich with her Interview with a Vampire, so we at ICFAB decided to follow suit and interview a wolf-man!



Wolf-Man portrait by Hal Dickens



AB: Thank you for agreeing to this Q & A, Mr—um… What do you go by? Mr Man? Mr Wolf? Wolfie-Poo? What?

WM: How about Harold? That is my name, after all.

AB: Alright, “Harold,” let’s start with the most obvious quest—Really? “Harold”? So your name is “Harry Wolf-Man?”



WM: Of course not! It’s Bach. I wasn’t always a wolf-man, you know. And I prefer “Harold” to “Harry,” if you don’t mind.

AB: Certainly. So, how did you become a—I’m sorry, but is your name really “Harry Bach”?

WM: I told you I preferred “Harold.” My brother had it worse. He was “Albert”: “Albie,” for short.

AB: Was he a wolf-man, too?

WM: Nope. Killer robot. I come from a less-than-traditional family, you might say.

AB: Not exactly Wally and the Beaver, eh?

WM: Huh? Oh! You mean my cousin, Wally? Yes, he’s a beaver—but only during the full moon! The rest of the time he’s an otter.

AB: And what about you?

WM: I’ve never been an otter.

AB: I mean, about the full moon.

WM: Oh. Right. During the full moon, I do become a wolf.

AB: And when did that begin?

WM: The full moon? Not for a week or so, yet.

AB: I mean, when did you start changing under a full moon?

WM: Ew! I don’t change under a full moon! I change at home like everybody else! Otherwise, it’s public indecency!

AB: How. Long. Have. You. Been. A. Werewolf?

WM: Is that what you wanted to know? Why didn’t you just ask?

AB: --

WM: I’ve been a wolf-man for 250 years—

AB: Wow! That’s amazing! The things you must have seen! The history you must have experienced!

WM: —of course, that’s in dog years.

AB: Oh. And how did it happen? Were you bitten by a wolf?

WM: Yeah, you’d think so. Actually, it was a bad hot dog at Wrigley Field.

AB: Really?

WM: No, just kidding. It was a wolf bite.

AB: Anything you’d like our readers to know about wolf—er, people? There are wolf-women, I’d guess.

WM: Not as many as you’d think, which is okay. The whole “lone wolf” concept is a great help there. Besides, wolf-gals have a tendency to not shave their legs. Yeck!

AB: So, what are you looking for in that special somebody?

WM: Same as everyone else, I guess: fun personality; great sense of smell; fast reflexes… I’d really like to meet someone who’s good at fetch. Like most guys, I enjoy long moonlight walks; howling; running naked through the woods with friends; the taste of fresh, warm blood pouring down my throat and the music of Mozart.

AB: Well, thank you for your time, Mr Bach. It’s been great talking with you.

WM: It’s been my pleasurrrrrre! Grrrrrrrr! Owoooooooo!