Saturday, April 09, 2011

The Melvin Gospel, from chapter 3

Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.

But John tried to deter him, saying, "Verily, first you must pass the swim test, demonstrating that you can get from one side to the other, and manage the deep end without assistance. For we have not many life guards, and there is much water here."

And Jesus came to John, walking upon the surface of the water. And he asked him, saying, "How's this?" 

But John objected further, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?"

Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness."

And the Baptizer was puzzled, and asked him, "Huh? What's that s'pposed to mean?"

"Just trust me on this one, Johnny-Boy," said Jesus, "and let the theologians worry out the rest."

Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water, performing a stunning double back flip with a half-twist. And those who stood on the bank were astonished, and they rated it 9.7 or 9.8, and many asked him for his autograph.

At that moment heaven was opened, and something descended like a dove and lighted on him. And a voice spoke from heaven. The crowd that was there and heard it said it had thundered; others said an angel had spoken to him. Some said they heard, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Others disagreed, and thought the voice had said, "Really?! Only 9.8?! Oh, blind and unbelieving generation!" Still others said they heard, "Oh shoot! I dropped my pigeon!" But he that writes this testimony heard the voice correctly, and knows that it said, "Clean-up in aisle 6!"


PaperSmyth said...

"But he that writes this testimony heard the voice correctly, and knows that it said, 'Clean-up in aisle 6!' "

Has someone been juggling honeydew again?

(former) Rocket Scientist said...

Hilariously funny!

PaperSmyth said...

At (former) Rocket Scientist: Ain't it, though?

Allen, seriously, you might consider doing a book at some point.

Allen's Brain said...

I *have* considered publishing a more complete Melvin with other Bible parodies and maybe some Purim shpiel stuff.