As promised, the Beatitudes as they appear in the Gospel of Melvin

And Jesus came to the people, and as he stood on the plain, he began to teach his disciples. Then he changed his mind, went up on a hillside and sat down. And again, he began to teach his disciples. This suited him not, so he commanded the people to stand on the hillside while he sat on the level place to teach. Straightway, he saw that this would not work.


Finally, an hour or so later, after Jesus and the people had shifted about like the waves of the sea, Jesus sat down upon a donkey which he had borrowed from a nearby melon merchant, and the people sat down wherever they liked.

“Okay, everyone,” he called out. “We’re ready to begin. In the future, when people ask about this, you are to call this teaching ‘The Sermon on the Mount.’” He said this to indicate the donkey upon which he sat. And the people laughed heartily.

And he began to teach them, disciples and all, saying:

“Blessed are the Pooh in spirit, for theirs is the kettle of honey.
“Blessed are those in the morning, for they shall receive a comforter.
“Blessed are the mink, for they shall en-ferret the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for it’s on sale this week.
“Blessed are the mirthful, for they are fun to be around.”

Then taking a little cat from among them, he set it in his arms and continued.

“Blessed are the purry in heart, for they will see cod.”

Then he asked them, “Do you have anything to eat?”

And the gave him a piece of broiled fish, which the cat did seize from Jesus’ hand.

"Blessed are the piece-takers,” Jesus said, “For they will be filled.”

The kitty began to make contented rumbling noises.

“Blessed are those whose purrs are cutest for the right of just fish steak, for theirs is the kingdom of Evan.”

And his disciples wondered at what they had just heard, but he was talking about Evan, son of James, the fishmonger.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

And his disciples began to say to him, “Hey! What, now?”