Somehow, even though I posted the Case of the Stolen Stiff back in 2018, I failed to post my April Fool's Easter sermon from the week before.
****

   Good Morning Friends! It’s Easter!

Happy Resurrection Day!

There’s colored eggs and baskets filled

With toys and plastic hay.

   Is that to feed a plastic horse?

Perhaps a plastic cow?

Is paper grass for paper mules?

Why do we do this now?

   (The plastic grass is used to make

A little plastic nest

To hold the plastic eggs, laid by

A rubber chicken, I guess.)

   Why bunnies, bunnies everywhere?

Lambs and chicks by the score?

Why hide bright eggs upon the lawn

To be found by the lawn mower?

   Because it’s Easter! A festive time!

Trees bud, grass greens and flowers!

Spring springs, days warm & lengthen,

And clocks move forward an hour.

   And many people go to church,

Show off new Easter clothes—

Which reminds me of a riddle.

This is the way it goes:

   How do you catch an Easter bon?

(Think quickly now! Get on it!)

How do you catch an Easter bon?

With an Easter bon-net!

 

   One Sunday just about this time,

The Sunday School teacher

Asked her students why it was

We celebrated Easter.

   One student raised his hand and said,

“That’s when Jesus came out of his tomb,

“And if he sees his shadow, then

“Six more weeks of winter’s gloom!”

   He got it almost right, I think.

For Jesus Christ was dead.

Condemned to die, nailed to a cross

With a thorn crown on his head.

   But crucifixion is a death

For those who break the law.

For traitors, thieves & murderers:

The worst criminals of all.

   And Jesus didn’t break the law

In fact, he never sinned.

It was on trumped-up charges

That Jesus was condemned!

   And deeper still, the truth we know:

He died that we might live.

To pay the price for all our sins,

Lost sinners to forgive!

   ‘Twas no surprise to Jesus!

He’d often said, with a sigh,

“We’re going to Jerusalem,

“And me they’ll crucify.”

 

   But just like Jonah in the whale,

In just three days, you’ll see,

I’ll be out of the grave, again,

Alive as live can be!

   A rich follower of Jesus,

From Arimathea came,

To claim his master’s body

And Joseph was his name.

   With linen cloth he tightly wrapped

The body of the Lord,

And laid it in his own new tomb,

Rolled a big stone ‘cross the door.

   The enemies of Jesus came,

Elders & Pharisees,

“Governor, there’s something you must do

To prevent this Jesus disease!”

   “We remember very well,

The words that Jesus said.

He claimed that after 3 days

He would rise up from the dead!”

   “We fear that his disciples might

Come steal his body away,

And claim that he rose from the dead,

That’s just what they would say!”

   “The masses liked that Jesus guy!

If they think he rose again,

We’d lose respectability--

No longer be important men!”

 

   So Pilate gave them soldiers,

Armed guards to watch the grave.

He put his signet stamp in wax

On the stone that sealed the cave!

   Thus Pilate invented Easter Seals,

At Joseph’s tomb that day!

No, that’s not quite right, is it?

Pre-Easter seals, anyway.

   The Sabbath day, the day of rest,

The friends of Jesus mourned.

Their king was dead, their friend was gone.

They grieved, alone, forlorn.

   They were so down, they weren’t sure if

They ever could look up.

They had forgot, “Destroy this temple,

“In 3 days I’ll raise it up!”

   Very early Sunday morning,

With jars of sweet perfume

The women who followed Jesus

Made their sad way to the tomb

   To pour aromatic spices on

The graveclothes of their Lord,

To keep the smell of death at bay,

On the one they all adored.

   They’d later see it was foretold,

To his death there’d be interruption.

Psalm 16:10, “You won’t allow,

Your holy one to see corruption.”

 

   They thought that Christ’s death was the end,

But they’d made a grave mistake!

An angel came from Heaven, and

The earth began to shake!

   The angel rolled the stone away

Which once had sealed the door.

Brave soldiers took one look and then

Fainted, Kerplop! To the floor!

   “Don’t be afraid,” the angel said

When the women had arrived,

“I know that you came to see Jesus,

“The one who was crucified.”

   “I’m afraid that you just missed him,

“He’s no longer here inside.

“He’s alive and scattering Easter figs

“Across the countryside.”

   (I’m just kidding about that last part.)

“He has risen, as he promised.”

“Now quickly go and tell the news

“To Peter, James, and Thomas,”

   “And all the rest.” And so they ran,

And who else should they meet?

But Jesus himself, alive!

They fell in worship at his feet.

   He told them, as the angel had,

“Fear not, and don’t despair.

“Tell my brothers, Go to Galilee,

“And I will meet them there.”

 

   Jesus is alive! It’s true!

He cannot die again!

Death is defeated for the ones

Who place their trust in Him!

   Eternal life is granted us,

Not just in future days

We have unending life right now

To fuel us on our ways!

   My favorite Easter riddle

(It’s a groaner. That is true,

But at least I gave you warning)

I will now relate to you.

   Why did Jesus stick a flower

In his mashed potatoes?

The answer I will sing, Because:

“Up from the gravy, a rose!”

   It’s central to the Christian faith.

Resurrection after the cross.

If Christ did not rise from the dead

Then we are surely lost!

   If Jesus, good man that he was,

Didn’t rise as he predicted

He’s a liar, not the Son of God

The Bible has depicted.

   His promises he will not keep,

His teachings have no worth,

If he didn’t rise, he’s not the Lord

Of Heaven and of Earth.

 

   We’re built, not on good teachings,

But on relating to that entity.

The resurrection vindicates Him,

And verifies his identity!

   But Christ was truly raised to life,

The first of many to come

Our mortality is a genetic ill

Our Lord has overcome.

   With Adam as our ancestor,

All of us will surely die

But Jesus begins something new,

His kids will be made alive!

   The trumpet’ll one day sound its blast,

And transformed we will be!

We’ll rise to never die again!

Oh Death! Where then your victory?

   And so there’s bright-hued Easter eggs

Chocolate bunnies and Peeps, too:

All images of new life,

Which WE have all year through!

   An egg looks lifeless as a rock

Its smooth sides do not yield,

Until, one day it opens, Crack!

And new life is revealed!

   That’s how it was with Jesus’ tomb,

One day, our graves also.

They’ll open and we’ll be alive,

But we won’t be fluffy and yellow.

 

   We’ve had some fun this morning.

It’s April 1^st. Thought I’d be clever.

But Jesus really pulled the best

April fool’s day prank ever!

   The devil perhaps thought he’d won,

With Jesus finally dead.

The Pharisees thought, “Problem solved!

We’ll be on top, instead!”

   But Jesus refused to stay dead!

With a twinkle in his eyes

He could’ve said, “I’m sorry Boys!

“I’m alive again! Surprise!”

   Imagine how the women looked,

Or how amazed the Eleven,

When Jesus said, “It’s me! I’m back!

And I’m opening the way to Heaven!”

   How might we live if we believed,

Death holds o’er us no power?

Our sins wiped clean, God’s grace received

To aid us in each hour!

   If we’ve been giv’n eternal life,

Full to the very top!

And there is nothing more to fear,

Then what could make us stop

   From carrying out our mission

Souls are dying, they must know

The good news: “Jesus loves you,

Wants to save you!” We must go!

 

   New life is being offered!

Oh, receive his gift, I say

New beginnings now await you,

On this Resurrection day!

   For If you miss the glorious truth

Of the resurrection, you’ll

Find that, on this Easter Sunday,

YOU are the April Fool!

2 Chronicles 20

I've been preaching through the life of Elijah lately. Here is a bit of a preview of what I'm doing for this coming Sunday.
*****

The kings that ruled in Elijah's day
Did evil in Israel:
Ahab the idol worshiper
And wicked Jezebel;

Ahaziah was the next,
He was Ahab's son,
Asked advice from the Lord of the Flies:
An idol at Ekron!

He was followed by his brother,
Jehoram was his name.
His ancestors did evil
And Jehoram did the same.

In the sourthern kingdom, Judah,
There was a good king that
Is associated with jumping:
He was Jeshoshaphat!

1 Kings tells us little
About the way he ruled,
But the Bible tells us more,
In 2 Chronicles--don't be fooled!

Jehoshaphat was a good king,
He, mostly, honored God--
Except that time he helped Ahab
Fight at Ramoth-Gilead.

He removed the idols from Judah,
Sought God with all his heart,
Appointed godly judges
Who were righteous, wise, and smart.

And, like most kings, Jehoshaphat
Had trouble from enemies
But he knew You can stand tall
When you start upon your knees.

"From the east and south they come--
"The Moabites and Ammonites--
"They've gathered by the Dead Sea
"And they mean to start a fight!"

"And other folks have joined them,
"The people from Mt Seir--
"They're rugged, dirty fighters!"
And the king was filled with fear.

Then Jehoshaphat did something
Before making a battle plan.
He proclaimed a day of fasting
For all the people in the land!

From very town in Judah
The people came that day.
And they stood before the temple
In Jerusalem -- to pray.

Jehoshaphat the king stood up
And led the prayers that day
And he stood tall when he took that stand
For he took that stand -- to pray!

"God of our fathers, God of heaven,
"All power is in your hand!
"When you choose to do something,
"No one against you can stand."

"You chased the nations from this land
"To give it to the kin
"And children of ol' Abraham
"The one you called your friend!"

"And here we built the temple
"Where we call on you in praise
"Or to ask for help when
"There is trouble in our days."

"This army is too big to fight
"If it's left up to us;
"We surely don't know what to do,
"And so in you we trust!"

All the men & all the women,
And the kids were standing there,
And they waited for God's answer
As they all stood up in prayer.

Then God gave them an answer
Through Jahaziel the Levite,
"Don't worry, it's God's battle!
"You won't even need to fight!"

"Tomorrow, on the battlefield
"You'll stand without a care.
"For YAHWEH will be with you
"In answer to your prayer."

King J knelt down prostrate.
The people worshiped on their face,
While Levite singers stood and lifted
Loud their voice in praise!

The king said, the next morning,
"Trust God and you will stand!
"Instead of leading off with infantry
"We're leading off with the band!"

It's a very odd idea,
And it doesn't quite seem clever,
To put singers on the frontlines, saying,
"God's love endures forever!"

But this is what they did,
And it turned out to be wise,
For God caused the invading hordes
To kill their own allies!

When Judah reached the battlefield,
This is what they found:
A valley full of foes --
Lying dead upon the ground!

Three days they spent in plundering
Their vanquished enemies!
It just goes to show how tall we can stand,
If we'll begin upon our knees!

The Monster-ous Blues Band

Erik's Verse

Well, my name is Erik,

and I'm in love with Christine,

So I took her to the cellar;
tried to teach her how to sing,
But I had to wear a mask,

'cause may face would make her scream!

Oh, the opera proprietors
won't do as they are told!
They refused to put Christine
in the opera's leading role!
So I dropped the chandelier on them

to soothe my tortured soul!

Oh it's tough to be a monster!

No one can understand!
So I got my friends together.
We are the Monster-ous Blues Band!

In Flanders Fields; On Calvary's Mount

For Memorial Day, John Mcrae's classic...

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

And a Christian's meditation on the memorial that is the Lord's Supper, or Eucharist, in the same style...

On Calvary’s mount the breezes blow
Where crosses, empty, stood to show
On each, a criminal hung to die
In tombs unmarked, their remains lie,
Forgotten by the world we know.

Of all the Dead, short days ago
Who lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Then died, One lives no more to die,
On Calvary’s Mount.

While honored dead, their torches throw,
And ask that we defeat their foe,
Unconquered, Jesus, from on high,
Calls us to follow with victory cry!
‘Twas won--Tho’ we skirmish below--
On Calvary’s mount!

For Maundy Thursday

Kinda wishing I had written this...



from Pete, Feet, And Fish To Eat, by Phil A. Smouse.

Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 5

"Esther, what is your request? What can I give you, My Wife?"

She said, "If it please your majesty, I ask that you grant me my life!

"And also spare my people!" The queen of Persia cried,

"There is a plot to kill us all, in one mass genocide!"

Xerxes asked, "And who is he that dares do this to you?"

She said, "It's wicked Haman. For you see, I am a Jew!"

“Gesundheit, Darling!” Xerxes said. The wine having gone to his head.

The villain's heart was filled with fear. He knew that he was through.

The king stormed out. The rascal knelt and begged to be spared, too.

When the king returned, he saw Haman on Esther's couch was falling.

"You dare assault the queen?” he roared, “I find that most appalling!"

On his 75 foot gallows, they had that villain hung!

The neighbors said, "It’s fitting! He was always a bit high-strung!"

To Esther was given his property, and to Mordecai, his position.

Once more Esther approached the king, and this was her petition:

"About the law that was devised by Haman, vicious and cruel,

"To destroy the Jews--my people? That law, please overrule!"

So a new law was created, giving Jews the right to act,

To destroy any army or person who might decide to attack.

The date that they could do this, was the one chosen by lot

By Haman, as the day to hatch, his anti-Jewish plot!

The Jews fought back upon that day, and their enemies destroyed,

And it's celebrated on "Purim," a holiday of joy.

*****



Perhaps you may have noticed, God seems to not be here.

In all the book of Esther, God's name does not appear!

But certainly God was present, at work behind the scene!

Just as Esther hid her identity when she became the queen.

It is the same in our lives, sometimes God we do not see.

But, be assured, he's still at work, on his plan for you and me!

We should also learn from Esther, when we don't understand why

We're in the place that we are in, heed the words of Mordecai!

"You have come to royal position for such a time as this."

Perhaps you're there to do God's will in a place no one else is.

Pay attention all around you. God will lead you if you ask.

"What do you want me to do Lord? What is my chosen task?"

Lastly,

It is always right to do what's right–even when that's a difficult choice,

But God will bless the lives of those who choose to heed his voice!
*****

Take it from the top, Boys!

Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 4

The wine was great. So was the food.

The villain was in a great mood,

Until Mordecai, he found,

Still refusing to bow down!

Haman called his wife and friends

To crow about his dinner plans.

“My life is great, but how can I

“Enjoy it, knowing Mordecai

“Still lives?” His wife said, “Build a gallows.

“Hang Mordie. Enjoy the dinner that follows.”

Such great advice was hard to beat!

The gallows measured 75 feet!

That night, Xerxes lay in bed,

Awake, and had the royal records read

To help him sleep. And he heard about

The royal guards’ plot Mordecai had found out,

Saving the life of the Persian king.

Xerxes asked, “Was anything

“Ever done to thank Ol’ Mordecai?”

“Nothing,” was the sad reply.

At that moment, guess who came in?

Yep, you guessed it! Wicked Haman!

The king said, “Hey, Man! How are you?”

And everyone around said, “Boo!”

“I want to honor a special someone.

“What do you think should be done?”

The villain smiled and thought, “Who else

Would the king want to honor except for myself?”

“Put him on a royal horse with a royal crown.

“Dress him up in royal robes and lead him round the town!

“Have a noble lead the horse, and to all proclaim,

“‘The king wants to honor this man!’” The king said, “Do the same

“Thing that you just told me. And you will be the guy

“To lead the horse and make the speech and honor... Mordecai!”

Haman did as he was told, then went home sad and blue-ish,

His wife said, “What did you expect? Your enemy is Jewish!

“No one stands against those folks and succeeds at all.

“If one is your enemy, get ready for a fall!”

King Xerxes' messengers arrived to hurry him without rest,

To Esther's second banquet, where he was an honored guest!

The king and Haman sat, and with Esther dined.

Finally, the king spoke up, "Now clearly speak your mind."
*****

Next!
For pt 1, click here.

Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 3

He told the king, “There are people here,

“The Jews, and you they do not fear.

“They do not do as they are told.

“Now, here are 375 tons of gold–

“Or silver, rather--all to fund

“This National Jewish Extermination!”

The king said, “Haman, keep your wealth,

“And run this genocide yourself!”

Now the villain had cast the “pur,” or “dice,”

To determine which date would be nice

For wiping all the Jews away.

The 13th of Adar was the “luckiest” day.

He sent a message throughout the land:

“Adar 13th is the day to stand

“Against all Jews! Exterminate!

“And take their stuff! Won’t that be great?”

Among the Jews, there rose a great cry

Of grief, and even Mordecai

Wore sackcloth and would not eat.

Esther sent a servant to greet

Her uncle and also to see

What’s wrong. He sent her the decree.

“You must go tell the king,” he said,

“Or all of us will wind up dead!”

“You don’t just go and see the king,” Queen Esther soon replied.

“You can’t just march up to the door, and rudely barge inside!

“If I go without being called--although I am his wife--

“If he doesn’t want to see me, I will surely lose my life!”

“Esther, Dear, if you don’t go–it may not be that day–

“But news will get out you’re a Jew, and you’ll die anyway!

“So you must try. And I don’t know exactly why it is,

“But maybe you were made the queen for such a time as this!”

Esther agreed. “But first,” she said, “This is what I ask:

“For the next 3 days before I go, I want us all to fast.”

And so they did, and so she went. And Xerxes welcomed her!

“What is it you would like My Queen?” And she responded, “Dinner?”

“Come and eat now, if you’re game, an’

“Bring along your buddy, Haman.”

After dinner, over wine,

Xerxes said, “I can’t divine,

“Just what you want. Please tell me what you’re aimin’”

“Dinner again, tomorrow night: Just you, and me and Haman.”
*****

And then...?
feeling lost? try starting fom the beginning.

Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 2

Esther won the king’s heart, and she became his queen,

For her looks, on a scale of 10, were rated at 15!

But it wasn’t just her beauty that had the king in awe.

Because she had no mother, he would have no mother-in-law!

Meanwhile, 2 royal guardsmen, named Teresh and Bigthan,

Plotted to kill Xerxes, but Mordecai heard their plan.

He notified queen Esther. The two were hanged for their plottin’,

And all of this was written down, and swiftly was forgotten.

The villain in this story is a guy we don’t like namin’

So we yell “Boo!” when we hear his name. The scoundrel’s name is Haman!

Now, Haman descended from Agag, whose family King Saul

Should’ve destroyed; but if he had, we’d have no tale at all! (1 Sam 15)

The king, Achashverosh, for reasons never noted,

Took a liking to this jerk, and had Haman promoted!

He made him top official. Whenever he came ‘round,

All of the other nobles were required to bow down!

Every royal officer would bow as he passed by.

One would not bow to Haman. His name was Mordecai!

(He said), “I won’t bow down or doff my hat.

“I will not bow down on a mat.

“I will not bow down in the rain.

“I will not bow–are you insane?

“I won’t bow down, for a Jew I am.

“I will not bow down, Ham-I-Am!”

(To which he replied,) “That Mordecai! That Mordecai!

“I really do not like that guy!

“I want to throw him off a train,

“And leave him standing in the rain!

“I want to make him sniff my socks!

“I want to hit him with big rocks!

“I do not like him here or there!

“I do not want him anywhere!

“Oh how I hate that Mordecai!

“I wish he’d shrivel up and die!

“And if the reason he won’t bow down or give me what is due,

“Is related to the fact that he was born a Jew,

“Then that whole race should be destroyed! And this is what I’m claimin’

“I’ll wipe out every single Jew, or my name isn’t Haman!”
*****

Ooh! Suspenseful! Onward to pt 3!
Okay, but where is the beginning of this story?

Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 1

The story of Esther, as written by Dr Seussberg
(who ran out of time, and cribbed from my 2006 version for the end)

In the Land of Persia, in 470 B.C.

(B.C. is “Before Cowboys,” so Long Ago, you see.)

There lived a king named Xerxes, but nothing rhymes with that.

In Persian, he’s Achashverosh. Say, do you like my hat?

King Xerxes loved to party, and threw a glorious feast

That lasted 6 months long, with all the nobles in the East:

All the princes, governors, satraps,

All the speed traps, sand traps, and mousetraps.

And then another, for just 7 days more,

For all men in the palace, and it was open bar!

Whatever you wanted to sip, gulp, or swill,

Drink all that you like, Xerxes’ footing the bill!

In a week, they’re all plastered--5 sheets to the breeze--

And the king sent a message, “Oh Vashti, Dear, please,

“Come appear at my party, You Sexy Thing, You!

“Wear your crown. Come On down! Give the boys all a view!”

Queen Vashti refused, “I am hosting a tea

“For all you guys’ wives. I am much too busy!

“And I am NOT a piece of meat to be displayed on a rack!

“If you think that I’ll be there, you’ve got it wrong, Jack!”

“The Queen must be punished!” the nobles all said,

“Divorce her and banish her! Take off her head!”

So he sent her away, a honeycomb on her brow,

Decreeing, “She’s banished and bee-headed, now!”

Now that Vashti was gone, the king needed another

Woman to be his wife and his kids’ mother.

For all the women in the land, Xerxes held an audition

To be on “The Bachelor: Royalty Edition.”

“Are you young and beautiful? Don’t delay! Don’t be idle!

“Come be a contestant on Pers-i-an Bridal!”

A lovely young woman, Hadassah by name,

Put all of the other contestants to shame.

She was raised by her uncle, an outstanding guy.

He was righteous and upright: The Jew, Mordecai.

So upright was he, that it was said in jest,

That he wouldn’t bend over or lie down to rest!

He had been taken captive by Nebuchadnezzar,

And brought here to Babylon; and then had raised Esther–

The other name by which Hadassah was known.

It’s the Persian love goddess, for her beauty which shone.

When she went to the palace, Uncle Mordie said, “You

“Mustn’t reveal your family or say you’re a Jew.”

“Geseundheit!” Esther giggled, but solemnly agreed

To not reveal her family, nationality or creed.
*****

The jokes can't get much worse, can they? To see, continue to pt 2!

Jonah the Worm

From the dank, musty archives of the brain lab's sub-basement wriggles this Allen's Brain take on the story of Jonah.
*****

In the Bible we are told,
That way back, in the days of old,
There lived God's very special servant, Jonah.
God said, "I've got a mission for you!
"Here is what I want you to do,
"Go tell my words to all the folks in Nineveh!"

"For those people are bad!
"They are very, very bad!
"They're as bad as bad can be!
"And if they don't change their ways
"In forty days,
"I will flatten their whole city!"

But Jonah wouldn't do what's right.
He hated every Ninevite,
And didn't want to tell them what God said,
"'Cause if I tell them why I was sent,
"They might change their ways and repent!
"I think I'll go the other way instead!"

So he packed his suitcase, grabbed his coat
And bought a ticket for a boat
That was headed off for Tarshish that same day.
It was as far away as he
Could get from where he's s'posed to be!
Yes, Jonah thought that he could run away!

But Jonah must learn a mighty big lesson:
When God tells you "Go," you don't second-guess him!
You do just exactly what you're supposed to do.
And it's because of this truth that we've mentioned
That God decided to get Jonah's attention,
By sending a giant storm, and oh, how it howled and blew!

The storm was bad!
It was very, very bad!
It was as bad as bad can be!
Hear the sailors rave,
"Oh who will save
Us from sinking into the sea?"

"Who here has angered the gods of the wind
"And the sea and the rain? Oh, who has sinned,
"And caused this storm? And who can make it halt?"
So they put everyone's name in a hat,
And drew one out, and God made sure that
They picked Jonah's name, and decided that it was his fault!

Then Jonah exclaimed,
"It is me! I'm to blame!
"I'm the reason this huge storm is brewing!
"You see, I disobeyed
"The command that God made,
"And so God set the whole sea a'stewing!"

"I'm a preacher for God
"And he sent me abroad
"'Go to Nineveh' was his command!
"But when the Lord said, 'Go!'
"I responded with 'No!'
"Instead, I turned around and I ran!"

"So now you all see
"How this storm came to be
"And why the sea is all a'roar
"But if you'll throw me out
"Of this boat, no doubt,
"It will get nice and calm like before!"

But the sailors did not want to throw Jonah down
Into the water to flail and drown.
They knew doing that would be wrong without even thinking!
So they frantically oared,
And threw things overboard
To try to keep their ship from sinking!

But the storm just got worse! They were in quite a quandary,
So they tossed Jonah out, like a big sack of laundry,
And into the water he fell with a SPLOOSH! and a SPLAT!
Then the storm went away, and the great winds stopped blowing,
So the sailors relaxed from their grunting and rowing
And they only followed the one true God after that!

Now Jonah was in trouble!
He was in a very bad place!
Then a whale came 'round
And swallowed him down.
And the name of the whale was "Grace."

Now "grace" is truly a beautiful word!
Here's what it means, if you haven't heard:
It's receiving something that you didn't deserve or earn!
Like when we do something that God says, "Don't do,"
And then he forgives us, well, that's grace for you!
God's grace is something that everyone needs, you will learn!

For three days Jonah was in that whale's belly.
It was dark! It was damp! It was really quite smelly!
And Jonah prayed to the Lord from the whale's inside,
"God thank you so much for rescuing me,
"As I sank to the very bottom of the sea!
"Thank you for this fish-shaped taxi ride!"

"Oh Lord, I know what I did was wrong!
"I ran away instead of going along
"With what you told me. I should have obeyed your command!
"But I've learned my lesson. I'll do things your way!
"Whatever you tell me to do I'll obey!
"Your messenger I'll be in every land!"

God was quite pleased when he heard Jonah's prayer,
And decided to let him get out of there,
Since Jonah had changed his mind and agreed to go preach.
When they got near the shore, God spoke to the whale,
Who got a sick tummy. And flopping his tail,
He suddenly threw up poor Jonah right onto the beach!

Then God said, "Jonah, go down to Nineveh!
"I want you to tell them that
"In forty days,
"If they don't change their ways,
"I'm going to squash them FLAT!"

And this time, Jonah did what he was told!
He preached to the young and preached to the old
Of Nineveh, "Forty days is all that you've got!
"Because you are evil! You're wicked! A blight!
"Unless you do something to make things alright,
"Then God will surely destroy you; like it or not!"

When the king of Nineveh heard what God said,
It filled him shock. It filled him with dread!
And so he decided that something must surely be done.
He sent out a message to all in the town,
"We need to be humble! We need to bow down!
"To show how sorry we are, but our change has begun!"

"For we know we are bad!
"We are very, very bad!
"We're as bad as bad can be!
"But perhaps, if we quit it,
"And we really mean it,
"God will pardon our society!"

And that's exactly what they did,
King and servant, adult and kid
Asked God if their sins he'd forgive.
They stopped doing wrong,
Prayed to God loud and strong!
So God forgave them and let them all live!

For though they were bad,
So very, very bad,
As bad as bad could be,
When they turned from their sin,
God smiled at them,
And showed grace to their entire city!

But Jonah was not glad!
In fact, he was mad!
So he prayed and told God what he thought.
"God, why did you spare
"All those bad folks in there?
"They should have been crushed on the spot!"

"See, that's why I ran,
"When I heard your command,
"To go preach to this evil place!
"I knew you'd be kind,
"And that you'd change your mind,
"And instead you would show them all grace!"

"A punishment that's bad--
"I mean, really, really bad--
"Is exactly what they all deserve!
"And God, your decision
"To grant their petition
"Was bad, too. You've got some nerve!"

So Jonah sat down
At a spot east of town,
And he pouted, and grumbled, and whined,
"I'll stare and I'll scowl!
"I'll snarl and howl!
"And just wait 'til God changes his mind!"

Now Jonah had made
A place to give shade
From the sun, and God made a vine grow.
It grew up and spread,
Its leaves over his head,
And made things much cooler for Jo.

For the desert's hot sun
Is surely no fun!
When you can't find shade any place!
That vine was a gift,
An un-earned uplift!
And the name of the vine was "grace."

Jonah was really enjoying that vine.
Beneath its broad leaves he'd relax and recline,
But God wasn't finished yet. He still had something to say.
That night, God sent out a worm to crunch,
And chew up that plant into juicy worm lunch.
By sunrise next morning, the vine was all shriveled away!

The sun's heat was bad
It was very, very bad,
It was as bad as bad could be.
"I'm starting to bake!
Soon I'll be Jonah steak!"
Cried Jonah in misery.

Then the Lord spoke to Jonah and asked, "Is it right
"That you should be angry about the vine's plight,
"When it grew up, lived and died without help from you?
"Then can you imagine what it's like for me?
"I made all those people in Nineveh, you see,
"Don't you think that I should be concerned for them, too?"

Now here in this story, we said that the whale
And also the vine had a name in this tale.
"Grace" was the name that we gave them, and soon we're gonna'
Tell you that also the worm had a name,
And when you hear it, you'll find it's a shame,
For the name of the worm that ate God's grace was. . .



                         "Jonah"!

‘Twas the night after Christmas...

‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the place,

A glazed-over expression appeared on each face.


The stockings, all emptied of each trinket and treat,

Were folded or crumpled or piled in a heap.

The children took hours to settle in beds,

The effects of the sugar-plums gone to their heads!

For each savvy shopper, their slumber, too, fails,

Their heads full of visions of post-Christmas sales!

And mama and daddy examining the toys

To learn how to silence each plaything’s loud noise!

The day had been one of exuberant clatter,

But now, in the quiet, it seemed not to matter.


The wadded-up gift wrap and bows filled the trash,

Along with plate-scrapings of “Holiday Hash.”

Footprints from each snowball fight track up the snow,

In spite of the temperature–14 below!

When what in my wandering mind should appear,

But visions of loved ones wishing holiday cheer.

The gathering was lively, but over too quick.

Time to put away reindeer and box up St Nick.


More rapid than eagles this holiday came,

And its speed of departure was roughly the same.

Now long lines to return! Now thoughts of Regiftin’!

Now dread of New Year’s Eve! Now credit bills drift in!

Lights to take off the porch, wreath removed from the wall!

Decorations dismantled, and stashed away all!


All the holly sprig’s vanished without any clue,

Packed away in the shed, and Ol’ Tannebaum, too!

The rooms now are emptied, and under this roof,

All trace of the season has disappeared! Poof!

Along with the decor and visitors around,

So my holiday spirit is gone. I’m let down!


The emptiness fills me from head to my foot,

My heart seems all tarnished with post-Christmas soot!

My eyes, how they twinkled! My feelings, how merry!

Now replaced with emotions quite to the contrary.


It happens each year, but I’m used to it, though:

That sense that inside, I’m as cold as the snow.

My jaw I will set. A smile clenched on my teeth,

And pretend to the world I’m just fine underneath.

I resolve to feel good and stop being so silly!

My resolve, it stands firm–like a bowl full of jelly.


My Christmas was over, and now I was blue.

With the big day completed, now what would I do?

Was there hope to recover? Diagnosis seemed bleak.

If I’m like this today, how will I be next week?


Then a tinkle rang out, and a crash from the hall!

So I sprang up to see what was causing it all!

The curio cabinet had fallen, because

It was bumped by a moose dressed up like Santa Claus--

Or at least he was wearing a red fur-trimmed hat

And a red strip-ed scarf which matched, perfectly, that!

His hair, brown and shaggy. His right ear, frost-bitten,

And over each hoof was a bulky wool mitten!


He looked up, embarrassed, his eyes full of feeling.

His great antlers grazing both walls and the ceiling.

“I’m awfully sorry,” the giant beast crooned

With a voice like a trombone that’s been poorly-tuned.

“I’m usually graceful–stand straight as an arrow,

“But I get kind of nervous in walkways this narrow.”


He gingerly stepped ‘round the glass that was broken,

And the look which he wore on face did betoken

A gentle intelligence, of grace and volition,

As he strolled to the living room, a moose on a mission.


He sprawled on the couch, his legs awkwardly splayed,

And I stifled my chuckling at the vision displayed.

Yet with regal demeanor, looked at me to say,

“The name that I go by is, simply, V.A.

“I’ve been sent to you–and I’ll tell you the reason–

“To bring you a message this post-Christmas season.”


Now, to a moose I have never played host,

Of one talking moose guest I can only now boast,


So without such experience upon which to lean,

I blurted out, “Really? What’s the V.A. mean?”


The moose shook his brown head, and the couch that he sat in

Shook too. And he said, “It’s derived from the Latin.

“Thank you for welcoming me to your home,

“A traveler who’s come all the way here from Rome.”


Then I heard an odd voice, that was muffled and wee:

“You lummox! There’s not one moose in Italy!”

The moose’s hat jiggled and slid down his face,

And I saw a small man standing there in its place!

He had on a pointed red hat and a beard.

Yet after the moose, he didn’t seem weird!


“Let me guess,” I replied in a voice not unpleasant,

“You’re the ghosts of post-Christmases future and present!”

“Oh great!” said the little guy, maybe an elf,

“A wise guy! Why I ought to clout you myself,

“And the reason I don’t is you’re too far away!”


“–As I was saying,” interrupted V.A.

“I’ve come with a message to give you this day.”


“But not from Rome!” the little man said

With the long gray beard and the hat that was red.

“Why don’t you ask him again ‘bout his name?

“If you don’t keep at him, it’ll slip from his brain!”

V.A. shook his head. The man held tight his ear,

And said some things that I cannot record here.


“If you’ll stop interrupting, you tiresome gnome,

“I’ll get done with this message and then we’ll go home.”


The gnome (so that’s it!) finally settled down,

And sat on his head like an odd gnome-ish crown.


And V.A. continued, “It’s normal for you

“At this time of year to be fee-ling blue.

“The shortage of sunlight that comes with this season

“Contributes to you feeling down. That’s one reason.


The little gnome piped up, “Then look in the mirror,

“You’ll see you’re no smurf, and on that you’ll be clearer!”


“Ahem!” said the moose. “There’s exhaustion also.

“You’ve been planning and shopping for each one you know.

“You piled on the stress as you worried about

“Making everything perfect, and now you’re worn out!

“And when you are tired, your outlook is grim.

“For the weary soul, nothing looks good to him.”


“So learn from the kitty,” said V.A’s gnome cap.

“Go seek out the sunshine. Curl up. Take a nap.”


“By the way,” I inquired, “What does V.A. stand for?”


He would not be deterred. The moose said, “There’s still more.

“You’ve been snacking on junk food since Thanksgiving night.

“All those holiday goodies... You need to eat right.

“When you fuel your body with healthier food,

“You’re bound to feel better and improve your mood.”


“Thanks a lot, ‘Dr Oz’! While I’m sure your point’s valid,”

“That’s the best you can do? ‘Eat more tofu and salad’?”


“The fourth thing,” V.A. went on, “is ‘expectations.’

“This one really adds to the season’s frustrations.

“You’ve built up an image–a Christmas illusion;

“A soft-focus, greeting card photo delusion.

“This holiday season, things must be “just so,”

“And if they don’t match, disappointment can grow.

“You may find yourself tempted to think that you failed

“If picture-perfection just wasn’t quite nailed.”


“What the moose means,” the gnome said, “--You know you got fleas?--

“What he’s saying is, ‘Alter your pri-or-i-ties.’

“You’re not Martha Stewart--and even she’s not--

“So be realistic with your Christmas plot!”


“And speaking of pri-or-i-ties,” said V.A.,

“If you’ll let me get finished before New Year’s Day!

“It’s just barely possible, you’ve bought the lie:

“This season’s about gifts and tinsel and pie,

“And now that you’ve decked the halls, given each gift,

“And eaten the fruitcake, there’s nothing that’s left!


“Now, you know that that’s not what Christmas is for!

“There’s much deeper meaning. Yes! Christmas means more!

“Remember the tale of that green Grinchy dude–”


“Don’t do that!” the gnome squeaked, “You’ll get us all sued!”


The moose gave a sigh, “Well, okay then,” he huffed,

“But Christmas is not about all of that stuff.”


He opened his great jaws and exhaled then

A peppermint cloud, which was lit from within.

And I saw in that sweet mist a vision displayed

Of a Bethlehem manger where a baby was laid,

Bundled quite snug. And his mother, named Mary.

And Joseph was there. And the shepherds did tarry

To worship--in awe of this marvelous sight–

Then the picture was gone. And the cloud. And the light.


“That holy child wasn’t just there for one day,”

Said the moose, “No. Jesus had come here to stay!

“We don’t celebrate just his coming to earth,

“We worship him always, and not just his birth.

“It’s great to have Christmas–sing “The First Noel,”

“But he’s ‘God With Us’ always--he’s Immanuel!”


The gnome interjected, “We’ve finished our task.

“Now wasn’t there something you wanted to ask?”


“Oh yes,” I replied, “You’ve been awfully grand,

“But the letters V.A.–for what do they stand?”


The moose started chuckling, ‘til his scarf came loose.

“V.A.’s for ‘Venite Adore–moose'!

“And the fellow up there who has made my head home–”


“I’ll tell him myself! My name is Dom E. Gnome.

“There’s a song about us that perhaps you have heard.”

Then he sang in a voice like a half-strangled bird,


“Venite Adoremus, Venite Adoremus, Venite Adoremus, Dominum!”


By that time, V.A. had his feet on the floor,

And got himself turned ‘round to head out the door.

Then waving one hoof with a mitten upon it,

He snatched up his red-and-white fur Christmas bonnet.

With Dom snug beneath it–a true Christmas friend–

They went out in the snow, and they turned ‘round the bend.

And I heard them exclaim as they vanished from sight,

“Adore Christ the Lord–not just on Christmas night!”