Friday, July 28, 2006

Fan Mail!

My complaint about Mr. Allen Hickerson

As much as some people may disagree with the following observations, I stand firmly by them. Let's start with my claim that the first thing we need to do is to get Mr. Allen Hickerson to admit that he has a problem. He should be counseled to recite the following:
--I, Allen Hickerson, am a vexatious crybaby.
--I have been a participant in a giant scheme to turn the trickle of solipsism into a tidal wave.
--I hereby admit my addiction to feudalism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.
Once Allen realizes that he has a problem, maybe then he'll see that his rejoinders were never about tolerance and equality. That was just window dressing for the "innocents". Rather, Allen's conjectures are like a Hydra. They continually acquire new heads and new strength. The only way to stunt their growth is to improve the lot of humankind. The only way to destroy his Hydra entirely is to provide more people with the knowledge that the word on the street is that Allen is unable to see any issue in a broad perspective or from more than one side. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that I want to make this clear, so that those who do not understand deeper messages embedded within sarcastic irony -- and you know who I'm referring to -- can process my point. Allen's adulators do not accept the fact that there's a special, dark corner of Hell for the likes of Hitler, Stalin, and Allen. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. A brief study of sociology will show one inescapable fact: He hates it when you say that his presence makes people nervous, anxious, fearful, and angry. He really hates it when you say that. Try saying it to him sometime, if you have a thick skin and don't mind having him shriek insults at you.
Allen either is or elects to be ignorant of scientific principles and methods. He even intentionally misuses scientific terminology to inflict untold misery, suffering, and distress. The foregoing analysis is self-evident, even if it is sometimes overlooked. Less evident are the specific ways in which we should promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad.
My prediction that Allen would make a big deal out of nothing came true so quickly, so brutally, so horribly, that even I was stunned by the magnitude and viciousness of it all. There are two flaws with his imprecations: 1) he flagrantly abuses rules and regulations and then complains vehemently when caught, and 2) even when he isn't lying, Allen's using facts, emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will enable him to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. As I see it, the Allen Hickerson Foundation's latest report on crotchety revanchism is filled with fabrications, half-truths, innuendo, and guilt by association. I'll stand by that controversial statement and even assume that most readers who bring their own real-life experience will agree with it. At a bare minimum, if Allen honestly believes that some of my points are not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from him. Now for some parting advice: Look at the facts. Analyze the arguments. Think about the motives of the people who are telling you that Mr. Allen Hickerson's drug-induced ravings are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos. And have confidence in yourself. Remember, his treatment of parasitism mirrors the attitude that many self-pitying freeloaders hold towards deconstructionism.
Get your own randomly-generated hate mail here.
Listening to: "Jazz for Joy," various artists

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