Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Adventures of Captain Orthodoxy!

In an alternate universe, I grew up listening to a radio show called "The Adventures of Captain Orthodoxy!" The intro went something like:

It’s time for another episode of “THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN ORTHODOXY: the Exegetical Wonder!” Armed with Super-Strength Righteousness, flawless understanding of ancient Hebrew and Greek, and a top-secret weapon known only as the “Canon Cannon,” Captain Orthodoxy wages the never-ending battle for Biblical Truth against the nefarious Dr. Redacto and his ink-thirsty Legion of Higher Critics! By day, Captain Orthodoxy is mild-mannered seminary librarian Zeb Milner, but when evil liberal critics rear their ugly bespectacled brows in an attempt to subvert Biblical truth, Milner is filled with righteous indignation and becomes CAPTAIN ORTHODOXY! Thwarter of Heretics! Champion of Bible students! Protector and Defender of the One True Interpretation! CAPTAIN ORTHODOXY!

Although they didn’t mention it in the introduction, Captain O (as his friends called him) donned a bullet-proof cassock to join in the battle for Truth. Apparently, the creators decided that some vicious critics would not be content to merely change the meaning of a Scripture verse. They would shoot at anyone who continued to argue with them (after they tried revoking their tenure, of course.) This did make for much more exciting drama, and really sped up the sluggish parts of the episode where he fought the Neo-Pelagian Mob.

Then, in the second season, they added "his lie-fighting sidekick, Queen Context!" She was a church secretary, I think, whose real name was Marsha Daring. This was all fine, until the writers decided to write in a romantic relationship between the two of them. Arguments erupted over just what would be "acceptable behavior" for a Christian couple in this situation, and the League of Christian Matrimony (a Christian matchmaking service and one of the show's major sponsors) insisted that the only way to solve the problem was for the crimefighters to get married.

Captain Orthodoxy never finished its second season, and was replaced with radio adaptations of "Davey and Goliath."

Does anyone know where I could get copies of "Captain O" episodes, or what happened to the “Bill D. Strawman Center for Apologetics,” who produced the show?


Diesel said...

The second season really went downhill. Remember when they fired the writing staff and replaced them with guys from Hollywood? Nobody could figure out why the Arminians suddenly had an Eastern European accent.

So are you going to join or not? I think that this entry officially makes you tied with Gregory for 4th.

Resistance is futile.

Gregory said...

This sounds marketable...


Allen said...

Diesel, I don't know about joining humor-blogs. I think this is the week that I'm shunning things that are sensible and personally profitable. Nope. That was last week.

Gregory, I imagined it would make a splash at some Bible college radio station. Just let me listen to a few more episodes of The Shadow, and there may be more. No, wait! No there won't! It'll just turn up on Kinda Kitschy!