Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Ask Allen's Brain

Since Allen's gigantic alien brain is enhanced by the awesome might of atomic radiation, it is specially-suited to answer your questions.

Freddy Weasely of Trenton, NJ asks: What is the meaning of life?
Allen's Brain responds: The meaning of your life is to become a slave in our mines, puny human! Come to terms with this swiftly, because we invade Trenton tomorrow. All hail the Almighty Brain-Pan!

Sarafina Dyson of Death Valley, asks: With Valentine's Day coming up, I want to get my boyfriend a gift that says, "I love you! Please invest more in our relationship! No pressure." What do you suggest?
Allen's Brain replies: I suggest you cease boring me with inane questions about human emotions! If you must get your male companion a gift, nothing says "I love you! Please invest more in our relationship! No pressure" like a large sign that reads "I love you! Please invest more in our relationship! No pressure." I strongly suggest you do this today, since we will have conquered Death Valley before the 14th, upon which day we will celebrate by impersonating Cupid with real arrows. All Hail, He of the Gray and Squiggly!

Dudley Vedder of Parsnip, NE asks: Does anything go with these green plaid socks my grandmother gave me for Christmas?
Allen's Brain answers: Chocolate syrup. Like many in your town, you will become nutritional supplements for our invading brain soldiers. All Hail, The One Great Thought!

Brenda Sherring, in Arapaho Mound, OK, asks: Allen's Brain, I hate reality TV with a passion. What will our new alien brain overlords do about this problem?
Allen's Brain says: Who do you think invented reality shows? Such programming makes the already-unstable human mind more pliable to our reign. I advise that you watch more such shows! All Hail, Network Executives!

Well, that's all the time we have today, since a sizeable horde of giant alien brains is droning outside my window. They are bending my will to their own, encouraging me to go read humor-blogs.com.

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