Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Letter of Recommendation

Like many of you, I have been put on a list of references for people in the job market. A while back, it was for a roommate of mine, seeking a youth ministry. Here is the letter I wrote for him. Well, the first draft, anyway. The names have been changed to protect the insolent.
Letter of Recommendation for Trey Bouchet

Sir or Madam:
I have known Mr Bouchet for approximately four years. For three of those years, I shared an apartment with him. As a result, I am very qualified to tell you what sort of person he really is. I can say without any reservation at all that Mr Bouchet has utterly failed to assassinate or comprehend me, which is as much of a complement as I would ever care to make about anyone! I have never known him to be cruel to dogs, and he’s only shaved three or four cats. Furthermore, he has endeared himself to many a deer and he never met a reptile he didn’t lick.

Trey is a man whose feet are firmly planted in reality, a full quarter-inch above the ground. (Seriously! Take a close look! It’s creepy!) This serves to make him look slightly taller than his actual seven feet, four inches. [Trey is, in reality, just a little over 6ft.] He handles fire arms with great care and accuracy–though I still contend that the porch light was doing nothing suspicious. His extensive experience with fireworks and power tools makes him a wonderful asset to the children’s and youth department of your congregation!

Mr Bouchet is well-studied in cults and non-western religions, and I think he may know something about Christianity, too--but don’t let that stop you from hiring him. This study, combined with a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of poisons and deadly toxins, makes him an ideal member of any church staff. Do you have a troublesome person on the board of directors, or a few bickering senior citizens that are holding back progress? Trey can ably arrange several well-placed funerals, and leave no traces.

Hire him or don’t; you can’t ignore him. (And believe me, I’ve tried!)

Allen Zbrain
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Diesel said...

LOL! I might need you to write me one.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Well, I'd hire him in a second ...

Allen said...

Diesel has highly-developed on-the-job relaxation methodology...