Friday, March 09, 2007

Chapter 23: All Horrid Things Must Come To An End!

The great hideous creature lay in a crumpled, smoldering heap, like 18 weeks of college laundry that have been suddenly set ablaze. Occasionally, one of its horrid tentacles would twitch, stirring up a curlicue of smoke. It had been fortunate that Dr Hazelwood had finally discovered how to properly focus the gamma rays in such a way as to harm the monster, but I can’t help being a bit sad that the good doctor had to give his life in order to defeat the beast.

“Oh, don’t feel bad for Dr Hazelwood,” said Linda, whose lithe form I now clutched tightly to my well-muscled chest.

“What makes you think I feel bad for him?” I asked

“You were narrating out loud again,” she said with a sultry look. “Oh Cal, you know what that does to me!”

As I stared deeply into those baby blue eyes of hers, I knew that she would never leave my side, and I’d never ask her to.

“After all, Cal, it was Hazelwood’s own experiments with humor-blogs.com and Strontium-90 that created that… thing. It’s a kind of poetic justice that he died destroying it.”

I never could resist a vengeful woman! The music swelled as I planted a kiss on her soft lips that the movies would have been proud of.

Suddenly the beast began to thrash wildly about, sending more ash and smoke into the air. I suspected it was merely the creature’s final death throes, and would have gone on believing so until…

“Cal, what’s that smell?” asked Linda, tearing herself from my intoxicating kiss.I sniffed the air. It smelled like coffee.

“Oh that!” I chuckled, “The monster died in one of California’s many coffee groves. The gamma rays must have set some of the bushes on fire, roasting the beans. Don’t worry, the firefighters have arrived and are soaking the area thoroughly.”

Linda gazed up at me, a worried look on her face. “But Cal, the creature is caffeine-based! Roasted coffee beans, plus all of that water—”

“I. Live. Again!” The beast bellowed, and rose up on its many tentacles.

“Linda, my darling,” I whispered, "I’ll see you in the sequel, now that The Java Beast Is Reborn." And I knew in my heart of hearts, that somewhere in the sky above us, gigantic eerie letters spelled out “NOT THE END!!!!!

4 comments:

Diesel said...

Well there goes my idea for a post today.

Gregory said...

How did I miss the first 22 chapters of this? Sounds awesome.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

“You were narrating out loud again,” she said with a sultry look. “Oh Cal, you know what that does to me!”

Funny stuff Allen.

Allen said...

Glad y'all enjoyed it--or at least didn't comment "You Suck!"

Deez, sorry 'bout that! Better luck next time. Go drink a couple pots of coffee and then watch "Them!" and "It! The Terror From Beyond Space." That should do it.

Gregory, the first 22 chapters were broadcast direct to the cerebral cortexes of those equipped to receive it, via Dr A. Tomic's sub-ether, subliminal band.

I had been considering (for about the last 30 seconds) posting the other chapters to my blog in reverse, but I have commitment issues. Suffice it to say that Dr Hazelwood's experiments created a horrid, caffeine-based monster that then rampages across California before being destroyed (and then re-stroyed) in a coffee grove.
If I'm hard-up for a post, I may actually do some more. I love cheese!

Drive-by,
Not sure what you find funny about Linda's comment. Women always swoon when I do my best square-jawed hero narration.