Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Two Minute Haggadah

Regular readers here at ICFAB know that Allen's Brain occasionally sports a yarmulke. I'm not Jewish per se, but my heart (which I left in San Francisco, but was moved and now resides in a paper bag in the back of a mad scientist's assistant's sock drawer) is very close to Judaism and the Hebrew Scriptures. So, even though Passover was a couple weeks back, I just discovered this, and had to share. (I did! Somebody was fiddling with the wire attached to my motivation center.)

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient
By Michael Rubiner
Originally appeared here.

Opening prayers:
Thanks, G-d, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with dipping parsley in stuff?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child: explain Passover.
Simple child: explain Passover slowly.
Silent child: explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child: browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. G-d brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. G-d parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice -- you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If G-d had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, if would've been enough. If he'd parted the Red Sea.... (Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.


Thanks again, G-d, for everything.

Oh yeah. There was this goat...

L'chaim to humor-blogs.com


G said...

Allen, where were you as we lumbered towards "the festive meal"? Very funny - will have to save for next year.

PS: Found you through humor blogs.

Allen said...

Where was I? I was "lumbering" towards our own "festive meal."

Welcome, G! Stop by whenever you get the itch! (I have no idea what that means)

Diesel said...

I've always thought the yarmulke (sp?) was a very practical kind of hat. Especially for us balding folk. I'm going to try to introduce its use among the goyim.

Allen said...

That is the correct spelling. Yiddish, feh! Or you could call it a kipa, I guess. I'm actually wearing one in the avatar here, but you can't see it.