Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Better Living Through Medical Science!

You've all seen them: blobs of flesh, bone, and fur or feathers--evidence that yet another member of the animal kingdom has lost the will to live.

Depression among humans has long been acknowledged as a serious issue. In more recent times, anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals have been developed for nervous household pets. But no one cared enough about the inner psychological pain of "wild" animals to do anything about it. No one, that is, until now.

We at SIFODOPTUA care very much. We have seen the look of bleak desperation in a squirrel's eyes, moments before he becomes street pizza. We have stared in quiet sadness at the numb expression on a possum's face that speaks of the well of darkness that she found herself in, moments before she found escape in the headlights of an approaching semi truck. We have seen the moment of indecision that crosses the delicate mind of the depressed pigeon as it flies, first away, then toward your vehicle, in an attempt to end it all. And who hasn't observed the mad, self-destructive tendencies of a buck who has lost the love of his life to some other better-looking, more charming male, and has no desire to go on?

Now, for a minimal donation of $6,000 or more, you can acquire a Prozact (patent pending) Fogger that attaches to your automobile's emissions system. The Fogger installs in minutes and emits a purple mist containing life- and hope-giving particulates of Prozact (patent still pending), our own specially-developed anti-psychotic drug blend created for non-domestic animals. (The effects on readers of is still undetermined.) Won't you send in your donation today?

How many more suicidally-depressed skunks must flatten themselves beneath your tires before you take action?

This message sponsored by SIFODOPTUA, the Society In Favor Of Distribution Of Prozact (pending FDA approval) To Undomesticated Animals.

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