Monday, July 09, 2007

The Prison Epistle of Allen's Brain

My friends--and by this, I do not mean members of the Society of Friends, more commonly thought of as the Quakers, because I don't own any of them, thanks to silly American laws about slave ownership--claimed that they were were worried about me, and that I needed to get out more and get a life. Such have been the recent pursuits of my existence, but they've not been going all that well.

Apparently, the expression "get a life" is not a metaphor for murder. That, I am told, is "take a life." I plead innocent to the charges brought against me, not on the grounds of insanity (no one would dare accuse me of being insane! It they who are insane! Aaaah-Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!), nor on the grounds of an easily misconstrued & confusing language, but on the grounds that the deceased individual would not give me their life willingly, thus forcing me to take it! How else was I to get a life if they would not voluntarily part with it?

Of course, I refer to the individual as deceased, but that's only a temporary physical condition. I still have their life. I keep it in this specially-created jar right over here next to mine! Very soon, I shall transfer their life into the body of one of my super-race of atomic lizard men! They'll see! Ha-ha! They'll all see!

Since no judge was willing to grant my explanation an honest hearing (they kept shouting things like "mad scientist," "monstrous sociopath," and "diabolical genius"--flatterers!) I found myself incarcerated. So, that's where I had been for the last several days, until...

Until I remembered the other piece of advice my friends had offered: "You need to get out more!" So, I did get out, and here I am! And I'm blogging! Oh yes! I'm BLOGGING! Muh-ha-ha-ha!


We apologize for the mad ravings of Allen's Brain just now. He was recently following some advice we gave him about stopping to smell the roses. Who knew that he had such severe allergies to bee stings? The resultant cranial swelling induced these hallucinogenic ravings. Again, we apologize for the shocking nature of this post.

Thanks for your patience,

The Atomic Lizard Men


The Ironic Catholic said...

Hmm. No offense, but I still prefer Romans.


Allen said...

A soft, wet "Shplort!" sound can be heard, followed by Allen muttering as he cleans spewed coffee off his monitor screen.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." Indeed, much more eloquent and elegant (not to mention, relevant), but it probably would've sold more copies if he'd included more atomic lizard men. That one reference toward the end of chapter 1 just isn't enough.

And the gigantic bolt of lightning tells us that's all the time we have for today...