Tuesday, August 07, 2007

More from the Gospel According to Melvin

Now then, Jesus had the occasion to sail across the Sea of Galilee and step ashore in the country of the Gerasenes, or maybe it was the Gadarenes, or maybe it was the Gergasenes. Who knows? I can't understand half o' what them redneck Galileans are saying most o' the time. [Stenographus the Scribe apologizes for recording this outburst by Melvin, but he wanted to be thorough in his record.]

And Jesus was met by a man who was filled with evil spirits.

"Ugh! He's naked!" said Andrew

"Phew! He's filthy!" said James ben-Alphaeus.

"Hey Thomas!" said Bartholomew, "Do you think he's bathed more recently than you?"

"I doubt it," muttered Thomas. "And besides, that's not me. That's Philip."

"Oh, right," said Bartholomew. "Sorry, but the two of you really look alike!"

To which Philip tiredly responded, "That's why we call him Didymus, Bart. Remember?"

"So what's the rent on one of those tombs?" asked Judas.

"Imagine the property tax he's saving by living there!" gushed Matthew.

"Stinkin' Romans and their taxes! I'll kill 'em all!" screamed Simon the Zealot, drawing his sword.

"Whoa! Simon! I'm with you guys now, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Er, sorry Matthew. Nothin' personal."

By the time the bickering had settled, Jesus had apparently cast all the demons out of the man and into a watermelon patch belonging to a merchant named Melvin. ["Of course! Who else?" notes Melvin. "That Jesus guy just had it in for me!"]

While it is true that the evil spirits had asked to be cast into a herd of swine, Jesus was in no mood to entertain their requests. Nevertheless, the possessed fruit rolled down a nearby steep cliff into the sea and drowned, being unable to swim. Likewise followed a large and peckish herd of pigs, over the cliff and into the sea, committing sooey-cide.

It was at that time that Melvin saith unto himself, "Melons filled with evil spirits, eh?" Straightway he went to another, non-possessed melon patch, taking with him all manner of alcoholic beverages, and became the father of the spiked watermelon.

From The Gospel of Melvin, chapter 8.

For more spiked watermelon, go to humor-blogs.com.

3 comments:

Janet Laudett said...

HEHE--You've been tagged, buddy! See my blog for details! Love Janet

The Ironic Catholic said...

sooeycide--

ohhhh my head

(hurts from laughing)

Allen said...

Yup. Allen's Brain: Causing heads to explode since 1974!

And to think that I bypassed gags about deviled ham and going hog-wild for Jesus!