Thursday, January 18, 2007

New Gospel Fragment Uncovered!

A fragment of a new gospel has been discovered recently. This is the “Gospel According to Melvin,” a man who ran a roadside stand selling cantaloupes and other melons called, naturally,"Melvin's Melons." Melvin claims in his Gospel account that he sold a lot of melons to Jesus' followers, but that Jesus himself only ever bought one, and then kept multiplying it, providing fruit salad for both the 5,000 and the 4,000.

"And Melvin saith unto Jesus, 'Look here, you cheapskate carpenter! I gotta make a living myself. I got a wife and a quiver full o' children to support, and I can tell ya, I ain't happy! Either buy some more melons, or move along! You’re bad for business!’
“And Jesus answered and said unto him, ‘What is it that you think you can do to stop the bounty of my Father in Heaven?’
“Melvin replied, ‘I’ll sue! Just wait til my union doth hear about this!’
“And Jesus said unto him, ‘Did you see what I did to that fig tree?’
“And Melvin was silent before him.”

In another scene, Melvin asserts that the cleansing of the temple courts from marketers actually began elsewhere in Jerusalem with Jesus kicking in the side of the melon stand and overturning his cash box.

“And the son of the carpenter cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eighteen shekels for a honeydew?! Hath not my Father spoken in the Law: Thou shalt not steal? Thou wicked purveyor of second-rate fruit! Who shall save you from the coming wrath?’
“‘Second-rate?!’ Melvin shrieketh, ‘I suppose you think you could find a better deal inside the temple courts!’
“And Jesus answering, saith unto him, ‘Verily, I say unto thee, if I cannot, I’ll wreck the whole place myself!’”

Like some of the other recently-uncovered gospels, Melvin reveals the laughing Jesus. In a variation on the well-known parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus is heard to say,
“‘A man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell among Thebes, which just goes to show you how lost he really was!’
“And the crowds did laugh with delight.“Then Jesus continued, saying, ‘Nah, just kidding! He fell among thieves!’ And he fixed his gaze upon Melvin, who did shrink down in his seat. And his face became downcast. And the people did laugh anew.”

Sadly, the Gospel of Melvin ends with the death of Christ, on which Melvin comments, “And good riddance!”

Several scholars believe that the Melvin text was likely produced by embittered Jews in the late first century, as a polemic against the message propagated by the early Christians. Most scholars, however, are agreed that the Gospel of Melvin is a complete forgery from the 21st century C.E.

I’ll keep you posted as more details become clear.


Gregory said...

They had melons in the holy land?

Top notch, Allen. Really.

Allen said...

Well, they did when I was there a few years back, anyway.
Besides, remember the parable about the farmer who had 100 melons and one rolled down the hill? He left the 99 in the patch and searched the valley until he found the lost melon. Then he called his friends together and said "Rejoice with me for I have found my lost melon!"
And his friends said to themselves, "He's lost his melon, alright."
Oh, wait! That's from the Gospel of Melvin, too. Never mind.

klasieprof said...

LOL oh this is great.
I have two melons that are NOT for sale. at any price.
Well..maybe they COULD be for sale, but ..I dont think so.
thanks for making me laugh. It didn't get rid of my migraine tho.


word verification: rdlsad: what traditionalist are when they read your post. Real Sad. lol

Allen said...

Thanks for ambling in!
I find that an apartment mobbed with imaginary penguins helps with migraines. It helped the penguins' migraines at least... which really disappointed the one who was having visions.