Friday, September 07, 2007

Paranoid Conspiracy Rant for the Day

My friends--or enemy-minded, loyal readers--I must warn you about the dreadful dangers lurking in your very own backyard! Or your front yard! Please! Listen to me! I have this on very good authority! My first cousin works with a woman whose uncle's best friend works for the CIA. Now, this individual won't reveal his name because of security issues, but believe you me, he knows what he's talking about!

Personal Endangerment #1: The Lawn/Garden Gnome!

Oh sure, they're cute and whimsical! Who doesn't love one of these mythical creatures, with their quaint clothing and wrinkled faces and nausea-inducing names, like "Winklebottom" or "Buttercone" or "Horseradish Root, 3 for $5"?

Ah, but take a look at those pointy hats they all wear! Don't they resemble the nose cone of a rocket--or a missile?!!! How appropriate, since each lawn gnome contains a tracking device for the guidance system of an ICBM missile! That's right, when the totalitarian governments take over, and food shortages push the mad dictators to start eliminating people, your garden gnome will guide the deadly rocket right to your house!

If you hate godless totalitarian communism like I do, I implore you to get rid of those sinister lawn gnomes!!!

Personal Endangerment #2: The Lawn Flamingo!

It's a great American icon of fun, right? It allows us to have a bit of the tropics right here in our own front yard! Who wouldn't want that? Any vigilant American with a sense of self-preservation, that's who! Do you love your family? Do you want your children to grow up big and strong? Then why do you have something so harmful as the lawn flamingo in your yard?

Take a good look at those steel legs. Have you ever wondered why they made the flamingo out of plastic, while the legs are metal rods? The reason is this: Those rods act as great magnets, leaching harmful chemicals and poisonous minerals from the soil right into your front yard!!! These cute pink symbols of Americana are actually acting as lightning rods for all sorts of dangerous substances waiting in our polluted earth and bringing it right to you to make you sick! Then the godless governmental health care system pockets the profits!!!

Think it won’t happen to you? So did Bessie Mae Mucho of Loma Linda, CA! But when she got a mysterious illness from being poisoned by the vegetables in her own garden, she did some research and discovered it was the flamingos drawing the toxins to her garden, into her tomato plants, and finally, making her sick! “I got rid of those pink menaces that very day!”, she said.

Unless you like the exorbitant prices you're paying for health care, get rid of those lawn flamingos immediately!!!

Personal Endangerment #3: The Lawn Goose!

These things are sweeping the nation by storm! It seems like every time you turn around, five more people have these nuisances! It seems safe enough! It's just a plaster goose that you can dress up, with different outfits for different holiday seasons. Nothing could be more innocuous than this pair of geese all decked out in green for St Patrick's Day!

But did you know that by purchasing one or a pair of these geese, you are inviting trouble to your home? That's right, independently-produced newsletter "The Night Beacon" has confirmed that a nation-wide crime syndicate calling themselves The Goslings have fixed upon these lawn geese as markers for places to strike! In the past six months, 3,000 homes have been broken into and robbed by The Goslings! All because the people had a seemingly-harmless plaster goose in their lawn or on their porch!

Life is scary enough as it is! Home security is a huge weight on your mind! Why invite more trouble?!! Get rid of those geese!

You've been warned!!! A word to the wise is superfluous!!!


Gregory said...

Horseradish root 3 for $5.

I have it good authority that you're totally insane.

In a good way.

HMSnow said...

Totally insane, but in a good way: yes, that's one fact on which the small stadium full of witnesses certainly would concur at your insanity hearing. We might even be able to work it into some sort of cheer as we do the wave.

Allen said...

Gregory, you've been talking with the doorknob, haven't you? He's always had it in for me!

HMSnow, How about, "He is nuts but that's okay! He's insane in a good way!"

Or, "If you commit, we'll throw a fit!"

Or the hardware-oriented "Let the Nut bolt!"

Or, failing that, how about just repeating "giraffe pajamas" over and over?