Christmas card oddity

I was in a big-chain bookstore the other day -- the one whose name rhymes with "Yarns and Global." They're gearing up for Christmas shopping like everyone else is, and had quite an assortment of Christmas greeting cards for sale.

THIS ONE grabbed my pedantic attention.

Nifty, folksy design. Looks like it incorporated bits of book pages or other typewritten paper into the design, as if the magi were painted over an old, used piece of paper.

Now, theologians and scholars who aren't tired of the subject can kick around the debate about the tradition of "three" wise men, and whether the depicted trio are following the star all the way from the East, or simply from Jerusalem to Bethlehem. The more politically-minded can grieve about the fact that all 3 seem to be Anglo-Saxons, despite being stargazers from the Orient. Art critics can discuss the sinister implications of the ransom note-style lettering superimposed beneath the star, or ponder why Mark Rothko seems to have painted the right-hand border of the picture.

Me? It was the words themselves that caught my attention. "Peace on earth, goodwill towards all..."

Plainly a paraphrase of the latter half of Luke 2:14. It's part of the message of the angel -- to the shepherds in the fields near Bethlehem. Sure, I can accept that it's part of the general tenor of the birth of the Messiah, and is thus suitable for any holyday card. On the other hand, it is the magi's visit to Judea that sparks Herod's paranoid slaughter of all the baby boys in the area of Bethlehem. Not quite "peace on earth" or "goodwill" (Rejoice, again, that your brain doesn't operate like mine.)

How about "We have come to worship him"? Or, "They presented their gifts..."? Or even, "When they saw the star, they rejoiced"? Or, if you really must, "We Three Kings." Perhaps the artist is considering the global implications of the "peace on earth" brought by the child, as demonstrated by the Gentile acknowledgement of him in the persons of the Magi. R-i-g-h-t...

Replace folk art Wise Men with folk art shepherds -- or even a swirly-twirly gingham folk art angel, and it would be a genuine improvement. And it would probably still make me slightly sick to my stomach. Still, even in its original condition, it's better than Thomas Kincade.

What the lazy Brain has been up to

Fixed the 2011 Purim shpiel to make it easier to navigate. Hope it helps in the future.

Just noticed on my calendar for March 20th, "Vernal Equinox."

Oh! I always wondered when his birthday was! Never known a Vernal Equinox. Knew a Vernal Johnson, but that's not the same guy, I'm sure.

And what is an "equinox," anyway? I know what an "ox" is. It's kinda like a cow on steroids. And I know that "equine" means "horses." So... is an "equinox" some sort of genetic experiment, then? A horsey-cow? A cow-ey horse?

And then to be named "Vernal" on top of that! How humiliating!

On the task of ordering iced coffee

I like iced coffee. Plain. Black. Straight iced coffee.

I don't want to say that people are stupid--even if experience keeps illustrating the idea--but it is phenomenal how difficult it is to order plain iced coffee!

I've tried it at McDonald's with varying degrees of success. I find it is usually necessary to explain in very plain English what I want. "A large iced coffee. No sweetener. No creamer. Just plain, black coffee--on ice."

"Oh," they typically say, "So you want just coffee on ice?"

"Yes. That's right!"

If you go inside and order at the counter, this works fairly well. If you try at the drive-thru, well...

I've received what they already assert is iced coffee--with cream and sugar.
I've received iced coffee with no cream, but sweetened to within an inch of its caffeinated life.
I once received a plain black coffee--hot! (shakes head in disbelief)
*****

At Starbucks, it usually goes better. They are nearly coffee-exclusivists, so they're more used to weird java orders.

"Venti iced black coffee, please."

"You want any cream or sugar in that?"

"Nope. Just straight, (and then, in case they've already forgotten) on ice."

"Okay."

This usually works, though I've had baristas tell me that they were all out of iced coffee, and would it be okay if they just poured some reguar coffee over a cup full of ice? I've had them ask that I settle for an iced Americano (coffee + water.)  It's better than nothing, I guess. 

Most recently I went in and ordered right at the counter:

"I'd like a venti iced black coffee, please."

"That's it?"

"It's enough, I think."

He was disappointed that I hadn't asked for something complex that took 5 minutes to describe fully! The best part of this story is this: When my order was up, he told me he couldn't figure out how to ring up a plain iced coffee, so it was "compliments of the house"!

Finally, I give you the Allen's Brain-approved comical description of iced black coffee. When they ask if you want cream or sugar, tell them:

"Nope. Just cold, black and bitter--like my ex's heart." I don't have an ex, but this line never fails to get a big laugh.

What Will YOU Be Burning This September 11th?

A. A big stack of Qur’ans, of course! Islam is of the devil!

B. The Book of Mormon, Bhagavad Gita, Satanic Bible, “O” Magazine or other heathen religious text. False religion is of the devil!

C. Twilight & Harry Potter books. Vampires, werewolves and magic are of the devil!

D. DVD’s of “Big Bang Theory.” (“Big Bang” refers to evolution, which is of the devil!)

E. The Buddy Christ bobble head. Religious satire is of the devil!

F. The Gospel of Melvin. See E.

G. Anything bearing the name and/or image of Elmo, Barney, or Justin Bieber. Do you really need a reason for that?

H. The midnight oil

I. American flag

J. Terry Jones

K. Other. Please comment.

Also on facebook.

On depicting religion in fiction

Recent fiction I've been reading/watching has included religion as part of the plot.  Typically, the religious leaders are shown to be greedy and willfuly deceptive, while the "true believers" are simply woefully ignorant suckers. I'm of two minds about this (which, when you're a brain in a jar, is tricky at best):

First of all, the religions usually depicted as fraudulent are, in fact, phony religions, and as a follower of Jesus, I would expect this to be the case. Additionally, sometimes the church is personified in fiction by its worst proponents. As a lover of truth, I like that. Evil shouldn't be allowed to continue, simply because it wears the guise of faith.

However...

It also seems that when these fake, oppressive religions turn up in plots, there is no alternative to it but utter atheism. In other words, the author(s) seem to be saying, "All religions/faiths are like this phony one I've cooked up here." And, in some cases, knowing the authors, that is exactly what they mean. Of course, if I had only had negative experiences with faith, I might be more accepting of this approach.

What do you think? Is no religion in fiction better than negative depictions of it?

Your comments welcome.

"Nudge-nudge; wink-wnk. Say no more."

People often follow up outrageous euphemisms with the tag, "If you know what I mean."

Examples:

"Aaarrrr! I've buckled my share of swashes, if ya know what I mean. Har-har-har!"
"If I were in charge, I'd really lay down the law, if you know what I mean."
"I'm more of a tactile learner, if you know what I mean."

Are these things--whatever they're hinting at--only true if I "know what you mean"?
If I don't know what you mean, then do you not really mean it?

"I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"No? Okay. I guess I haven't buckled that many swashes, then."

How the Benjamites got their wives.

You may remember the peculiar story in Judges 21:20ff of how the men of the tribe of Benjamin once obtained wives by hiding in the bushes at a religious festival, and then jumping out and grabbing themselves each a wife when the girls began to dance. Think "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," and the Roman tale of the Sabine women. Ew. Anyway, it made a list that has circulated blogs and emails of weird Bible ways to get a wife. I remember this story, but I had forgotten the horrid details that brought this about.

WARNING: THIS IS GONNA GET MORE THAN A LITTLE BIT PG-13! THE SQUEAMISH OR EASILY-OFFENDED MAY WANT TO SKIP THE REST OF THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! A WORD TO THE WISE IS SUPERFLUOUS!

In Judges 19, a Levite (man from the priestly family) was traveling with his concubine. (Already... ew!) He stops for the night in Gibeah, a city belonging to the tribe of Benjamin, accepting the hospitality of someone living there.

Well, during the night, some troublemakers come to the house and decide to (last warning. turn back now!) go all Sodom on the guy's guest. (In fact, a lot of this sounds like Genesis 19!) The owner of the house refuses, but the locals won't go away. Finally, the Levite offers them his concubine, and (I did warn you!) they rape her, and she turns up on the doorstep in the morning dead.

The Levite (did I not warn you?) cuts the girl into 12 pieces and sends them around to the 12 territories of Israel, calling them to battle. The Benjamites, confronted with the story, refuse to even apologize, and so the rest of the nation attacks Gibeah, and kills off most of the population of Benjamin. Additionally, they swear not to give their daughters as wives to any of the men of Benjamin.

After the battle, they calm down a bit, and realize what they've done. They've not only killed off many of their fellow Israelites--men and women--but they've also doomed them to near extinction by refusing to help them repopulate their tribe. So, they ask around, and find out that nobody from the city of Jabesh-Gilead came down to join in the fight against Gibeah. Well then, they figure, if they didn't come down to join us, they didn't vow to not give their daughters in marriage to the Benjamites! So, (if you haven't heeded the warning so far, it's too late now) they go to Jabesh-Gilead and kill off everyone whose not an eligible young woman. They then take these 400 girls and offer them to the Benjamite survivors as potential brides. 400 is still not enough to cover their losses. Where else can they find good Israelite women for these guys to marry, since all the rest of the nation has already made an oath before God not to let the Benjamites marry any their daughters?

Here is their solution: During a religious festival at Shiloh, (we're in chapter 21, for those trying to follow along at home and got hung up in the battle descriptions of chapter 20) when all the young women will be joining in the folk dances, the Benjamites were invited to come up and kidnap the girls they still needed for wives. See, while they had vowed not to GIVE their daughters in marriage to the Benjamites, they weren't technically GIVING them. They just weren't stopping the guys from TAKING the girls!

In other words, the whole thing was a legal loophole to salve their consciences about breaking their vows to God!

And the story concludes the way it began, with the apt description of this lawless era: "In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes." - Judges 21:25 When the laws aren't enforced (or are reinterpreted in such a way as to have the same effect), and people have no regard for the Law of God, this is the kind of junk that goes on! An apt warning for our world, I'd say.

Looking For Loopholes

I saw a bumper sticker today that asked "What kind of world are you leaving behind for your grandchildren?"

Does this mean that if I am childless and (subsequently) grandchildless, I can sin and pollute as much as I want?

A Calendar Calculated to Aggravate

Resurrection Sunday (y'know, Easter) is really early this year! In fact, thanks to the inscrutable mathematics of liturgical year calculations, it lands nearly a full month ahead of Passover!

It's always made the best sense to me that we ought to just make Rez Sunday the first Sunday after Passover, since the "Last Supper" took place during the Passover/Unleavened Bread week. But thanks to a history of antisemitism in the Church, they decided to calculate Easter separately from the Jewish holyday. So, instead of getting to celebrate Passover, in conjunction with teaching about the Last Supper and Jesus as Paschal Lamb, just before Rez Sunday, I have to wait a month! Aaarrgh!

I'm still planning on holding a Pesach celebration, but it'll just be during the actual feast. I should be grateful. Holy Week is so busy already. Not having Passover that week should be a relief. But am I grateful? No! I'm perturbed! Silly foibling human!

That's not all. Purim is one of my favorite Jewish holydays. It's the closest thing to Mardi Gras or Halloween on their calendar. I generally try to do a sermon on Esther on the nearest Sunday to it. This, year, though, Purim starts on the night before Good Friday, which is just before Resurrection Sunday. What this means is that we won't be doing Purim at Cornland CC this year. Of course, I might still manage to finagle an invite to the one of the local synagogues' Purim Pub Crawls.

Maybe I should go Orthodox. The Eastern Orthodox Church places Resurrection Sunday on the last day of Passover. Do you think my congregation would go for that? Nah. Me either.

Have a super day!

There seems to be a lot of undue pressure on folks with super-powers to become "heroes" and "rescue" all us other non-super-powered people. What is that about? "With great power comes great responsibility," says Spider-Man. Why? What is the underlying moral principle behind forcing super-powered people into the "hero" mold?

"But that's not true!" you say. "Lots of folks with superpowers become villains instead!"

To this, I say, "Oh. Yeah, that's kinda true, isn't it?"

But why don't we see super-powered Soccer Mom, faithfully driving her tykes to sporting events? What is the reason that ol' Kal-el didn't stick with his Clark Kent identity? Did he really have to don blue spandex and wear his red underpants on the outside? (apparently, with great power does not necessarily come great fashion sense.) Wasn't there ever a day in which The Wonderful Parsnip Man just made toast?

"With spectacular vegetablian might, he draws forth a slice of bread from the bag! Flexing his amazing, all-organic muscles, he plunks the bread slice into the toaster! Then, as only a superhero making a balanced breakfast would do, he pressed down on the toaster lever!
"Soon," he rumbled, "I shall have--toast!"*

I say, leave these poor super-powered people alone! Don't they have a right to a normal life? Let them be accountants or sewage-treatment workers or waitresses! And, for Pete's sake, don't force them to wear spandex!
-----

*Parody of "Wonderful Parsnip Man," issue #35

A few words on "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper

I was loaned this book, which is the only way I would likely have read it. Near Death Experiences (NDEs) don't really thrill me much, even if they agree with my own views of the afterlife (which Piper's does, more or less.)

The introduction to the book mentions that, back in 1989, Don Piper was in an auto accident and was "dead" for 90 minutes. During this time, he believes that he went to Heaven to visit with deceased friends and relatives before coming back to life. That covers the first 4 chapters of the book, and the remaining chapters talk about the difficulties of recovery and therapy, and then about how relating his experiences to other people helped them. Pretty standard stuff, frankly.

Here's what perturbs me about this book, though. Piper is a Baptist minister. He was one before he was in the accident. He already believed in Heaven--had no doubt of it. But he ultimately insists that, because of his mystical experience, he knows there is a Heaven. Furthermore, numerous people, having heard his story also are now convinced there is a Heaven. That isn't a bad thing, I guess.

I just wish he had said, "I believe that Heaven is real, not because I believe I've been there, but because the Word of God tells us it is, and God's promises are always true." I wish he had said, "Don't believe because of this fantastic story I've told you. Believe because God says it!"

Mind-boggling product

Our local drug store here advertises featured sale items on a big flashing arrow sign (but, no, we're not rednecks!) As I passed recently, they were advertising "nicotine lollipops." Now, I understand the basic purpose of such an item. Like nicotine gum, it's supposed to help fight the craving and oral fixation for those kicking the tobacco habit. (There's bound to be more and more of those here, since they recently banned smoking in public places here in IL.)

Gum I can understand. Lots of adults and kids chew gum--"It freshens your mouth and it whitens your smile. Oompah-Loompah, Doompah-dee-doo..." Lollipops, though? Have adults shamelessly (and non-ironically) sucked lollipops since the days when Telly Sevallis played Kojak (pop culture reference that hints at my age)?

Or is this a sign that kids are starting to smoke earlier and earlier?

Will we soon be seeing nicotine pacifiers?
*****

I received my St Espressus t-shirt in the mail yesterday. Looks good. If you're interested in one, let me know. The shirts are a little more expensive because of the print on both front and back. I'll try and get an actual price posted soon.

Allen's Brain proposes a solution to the "Merry Christmas" debate

Every year, people complain about how early the Christmas shopping season arrives. There seems to be a race to see how soon after Independence Day a store can begin decorating for Christmas without seeming completely insane. And every year, someone alters the definition of "insane."

What I'm noticing this year is that the increasing earliness of holiday decorating and holiday muzak in stores has added one more plague to the season. The earlier stores begin their Christmas sales items, the earlier folks like the AFA can begin calling for boycotts of stores that don't use the word "Christmas" in their advertising!

I really don't care whether you wish me a Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, or Merry ChanuChristmakwanzaa! I do not feel insulted or persecuted merely because someone called their artificial pine trees "Family Trees" instead of "Christmas Trees"! I don't remember one in the Nativity story anyway, do you? To be honest, the further we separate Jesus' birth from marketing frenzies, the happier I'll be!

Here's my solution to the "Wish me a Merry Christmas or else, you godless heathen Scumbag!" issue. Simply misspell the word "holiday" as "holyday." As my astute readers already know, the word "holiday" comes from "holy day." It is ignorance of the English language that feeds this frenzy to rid our society of this word in description of what is a holy day and holy season indeed!

So, to remind everyone of this, and keep annoyed ultra-conservatives at bay, simply wish them a "Happy Holydays," or post the misspelling in your advertising and correspondence. 80% of readers who notice will just assume you can't spell, and a large percentage of those who hear you use this greeting will assume you're from India ("Happy Holydays! Please come again.)

There! Problem solved! Now to go fix that pesky Easter Egg issue by drawing lines around the middle of the eggs, and explaining that they represent the Greek letter theta, the first letter in "theos," "God."

Hanging teeny dreidels on my tree this year,

-Allen's Brain

No More Chubby Father Christmas!

Santa Told To Slim Down For Christmas To Set A Good Example To Children

Santa is being told to shift the pounds before Christmas - because the obese saint is failing to set a "good example" for children.

The traditional children's hero, best known for feasting on mince pies left out on Christmas eve, has always sported a bulging midriff.

But shopping centre bosses are giving the well-wisher his marching orders - to the nearest gym - to tackle the increasing problem of obesity.

The revelation comes after a medical report earlier this month stated that by 2050 more than 50 per cent of Brits will be obese.

Bluewater shopping centre in Greenhithe, Kent, has even gone one step further and set-up a Santa boot camp.

Fiona Campbell-Reilly, spokeswoman at the shopping centre, said: "Santa has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs to reflect this.

"Bluewater's Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him.

"He will still be the same lovable jolly man, but will be fitter and healthier."

Despite Santa burning 600 calories an hour from delivering presents, the problem lies in the tasty mince pies left as a treat.

If he ate every single mince pie left for him by eager children in the UK he would gain an astonishing 721,000 lbs.

Dr Charmaine Griffiths, spokesperson from the British Heart Foundation, said: "The bootcamp would encourage people to get a bit more active - it is a great idea.

"If you are budding santa or a hopeful elf, then we should all be taking steps to being fit and healthier at Christmas.

"Half an hour of exercise, three days a week could make your heart healthier. I think that like most of us, santa could be doing more to make himself that little bit fitter.

"He can have a pie every so often but try to squeeze in a few carrots as well."

_____________________________________

Of course, because all children dream of looking like Santa Claus one day!

Considering he's managed to live for centuries and get sacks bulging with presents, plus his impressive girth, down even the narrowest of chimneys! Also, he breaks the laws of physics every year delivering all those gifts. I just can't imagine any child is going to say, "I should get in shape because Santa is!"

Agricultural Lessons Needed For Modern Believers, Says Allen's Brain

So, you want to do an attractive, autumn harvest-themed shirt with an inspirational theme, maybe even put a Bible verse on it? Great! Let's see... harvest... farms... crops... plants... trees! Needs to be autumn-oriented, so we'll put some bright colored leaves on it, and... Oh! I know! Acorns! Those are oak tree leaves, after all!

Now, we need a verse about harvest--since it's an autumn shirt... How about John 15:5? I've always liked that one, and it goes well with that book by that guy who also wrote the Jabez book! Put it on a yellow shirt... and... we're done!

And Jesus said unto them, "I am the branch, and you are the nuts!"

Now, I know that we are no longer predominantly an agrarian society in the United States, but this shirt defies explanation! "I am the vine, and you are the branches." Oak tree leaves and acorns! Yep, that's real similar! Then there's the rest of the verse, "Apart from me you can do nothing"--just like the acorn! The verse that probably goes better with these items is John 12:24 - "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

Here's my suggestion: pumpkins! They're autumn-harvesty, and they grow on vines! Was this really so hard?

This shirt can be purchased here.

Tragically Bad “Christian” Lyrics

I hadn’t listened much to “Christian” radio for awhile, because I was kind of sick of hearing the same 20 or so songs over and over. Recently, though, when the public radio station I typically listen to went into fund drive mode, I tuned in into the “Christian” station again. It’s kind of nice to hear new “Christian” songs.

Now, I’m used to the hyper-sentimentality and saccharine-sweetness of many of the songs in this genre. I’ve even come to ignore the oversimplification of issues sometimes presented (as in, “If we all just knew and loved Jesus, we could all get along.” It’s great in principle, but it ignores 2000+ years of church history!) However, a couple of songs I’ve heard recently baffle the snot out of me! (That’s a scientific term. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.)

Take, for instance, the chorus of this song by Casting Crowns (I think they ought to drop the second “n” for comedy’s sake. Nothing funnier than hurling big black birds at one another!):

Jesus, can You show me just
how far the East is from the West?
I can't bear to see the man I've been
come rising up in me again.
In the arms of Your mercy
I find rest!
You know just how far
the East is from the West.
From one scarred hand to the other.

Talk about wrecking a perfectly good metaphor! The “east from west” image is from the Psalms.

"He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalms 103:10-12

East from west is an infinity. No matter how far east you go, you’ll always be heading east, and it’s the same with heading west. What the lyricist of this song has done is take a beautiful word picture of infinity, and replaced it with a finite distance of 5 or 6 feet!

Then there’s this song, by a band called 33Miles (I’m guessing they weren’t thinking about jazz great Miles Davis,) which is apparently dedicated to Einstein’s theory of relativity, as it applies to the concept of time.

Some choice excerpts:

I’ve heard it said today
Is all we’re given
Tomorrow may not come
So you better start living
I guess it all depends
On your point of view

I’m living in the days ahead
I’m already dancing on the streets of gold
Can’t stop celebrating in my soul
I’m living in the days ahead

If home is where the heart is
then I’m in Heaven
It’s the promise of tomorrow
That I’ve been given

To be fair, the song does ultimately place the heavenly reward in a future sense, stating that when the songwriter will see Jesus face to face, what could be better? But when the chorus and tagline maintain that the lyricist is already “living in the days ahead,” I’m unsure that even he knows where--or when--he is. And what's with the line about "If home is where the heart is, then I'm in Heaven"?

Don’t worry, it’s only doctrine! Clarity of expression is secondary, at best!

Just Wondering

If you really don't care what other people think about you, why are you telling me?

Paranoid Conspiracy Rant for the Day

My friends--or enemy-minded, loyal readers--I must warn you about the dreadful dangers lurking in your very own backyard! Or your front yard! Please! Listen to me! I have this on very good authority! My first cousin works with a woman whose uncle's best friend works for the CIA. Now, this individual won't reveal his name because of security issues, but believe you me, he knows what he's talking about!


Personal Endangerment #1: The Lawn/Garden Gnome!














Oh sure, they're cute and whimsical! Who doesn't love one of these mythical creatures, with their quaint clothing and wrinkled faces and nausea-inducing names, like "Winklebottom" or "Buttercone" or "Horseradish Root, 3 for $5"?


Ah, but take a look at those pointy hats they all wear! Don't they resemble the nose cone of a rocket--or a missile?!!! How appropriate, since each lawn gnome contains a tracking device for the guidance system of an ICBM missile! That's right, when the totalitarian governments take over, and food shortages push the mad dictators to start eliminating people, your garden gnome will guide the deadly rocket right to your house!



If you hate godless totalitarian communism like I do, I implore you to get rid of those sinister lawn gnomes!!!


Personal Endangerment #2: The Lawn Flamingo!















It's a great American icon of fun, right? It allows us to have a bit of the tropics right here in our own front yard! Who wouldn't want that? Any vigilant American with a sense of self-preservation, that's who! Do you love your family? Do you want your children to grow up big and strong? Then why do you have something so harmful as the lawn flamingo in your yard?

Take a good look at those steel legs. Have you ever wondered why they made the flamingo out of plastic, while the legs are metal rods? The reason is this: Those rods act as great magnets, leaching harmful chemicals and poisonous minerals from the soil right into your front yard!!! These cute pink symbols of Americana are actually acting as lightning rods for all sorts of dangerous substances waiting in our polluted earth and bringing it right to you to make you sick! Then the godless governmental health care system pockets the profits!!!



Think it won’t happen to you? So did Bessie Mae Mucho of Loma Linda, CA! But when she got a mysterious illness from being poisoned by the vegetables in her own garden, she did some research and discovered it was the flamingos drawing the toxins to her garden, into her tomato plants, and finally, making her sick! “I got rid of those pink menaces that very day!”, she said.



Unless you like the exorbitant prices you're paying for health care, get rid of those lawn flamingos immediately!!!


Personal Endangerment #3: The Lawn Goose!

These things are sweeping the nation by storm! It seems like every time you turn around, five more people have these nuisances! It seems safe enough! It's just a plaster goose that you can dress up, with different outfits for different holiday seasons. Nothing could be more innocuous than this pair of geese all decked out in green for St Patrick's Day!


But did you know that by purchasing one or a pair of these geese, you are inviting trouble to your home? That's right, independently-produced newsletter "The Night Beacon" has confirmed that a nation-wide crime syndicate calling themselves The Goslings have fixed upon these lawn geese as markers for places to strike! In the past six months, 3,000 homes have been broken into and robbed by The Goslings! All because the people had a seemingly-harmless plaster goose in their lawn or on their porch!



Life is scary enough as it is! Home security is a huge weight on your mind! Why invite more trouble?!! Get rid of those geese!


You've been warned!!! A word to the wise is superfluous!!!

Love, Honor, and Obey?

Had a wedding rehearsal last night.

As a minister, I've had many brides request that her vow to obey be deleted from the wedding service. Truthfully, I can’t remember the last time I attended a wedding that actually included that traditional vow.

Here’s my two-cents worth on the subject, anyway: Your unwillingness to commit to obey your husband-to-be betrays a distinct mistrust of the guy. You apparently fear that he will abuse that promise.

I’m not necessarily advocating a return to that traditional feature of the wedding vows, (Scripture, after all, says “submit to one another”) but if that is really what you think of this man, why on earth are you marrying him?

A lesson from celebrity culture?

If celebrity culture teaches us anything, it is that poverty and poor environment aren't the only sources of crime and other bad behavior. Socialism--which often touts this point--fails to take into account selfishness and human stupidity.
*****

And now for the headlines:


Pluto Lobbies Scientific Community to Revoke Mickey's Mouse Status.
*****

New Reality Show, "So You Think You Can Think?" Gets Poor Reception.
*****

Guru Teaches Students Secret of Long Life; Causes Pupils to Die Late.
*****

Politician Keeps Campaign Promises; Constituents Outraged
*****

New Film Neither Remake Nor Based On TV Program; Universe Implodes.