Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Melvin, on the transfiguration.

After six days Jesus took Peter, James and John with him and led them up a high mountain, where they were all alone. There he was transfigured before them. First, he was a gazelle. Then he was a very wise-looking turtle. Then he was a moose in a doctor's coat--though they knew this not, having seen neither moose nor lab coat before. His clothes became dazzling white, whiter than anyone in the world could bleach them.

He must have been using Judah the Fuller's Shekinah soap! Gets clothes their whitest, and then some! Need to look glorious? Want to not merely outshine the competition, but flat-out blind them? Use Judah the Fuller's Shekinah soap!

And there appeared before them Elijah and Moses, who were talking with Jesus.

"So, I've been thinking about it," said Moses, "and I've finally come to a decision. I want Charlton Heston to play me in the bio-pic."

"Charlton Heston?" croaked Jesus. "How do you feel about Woody Allen, maybe?"

"Nah, doesn't have the screen presence Heston has!"

"Of all the Jews in Hollywood, you would pick a goy to play the liberator of our people?"

"Sure! Just imagine him saying to Pharaoh, 'You can have my staff when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!'"

"You do realize he'll do that 'Soylent Green is people!' line, don't you?" offered Elijah. "You'd be better off with Buster Keaton."

"Well, I wanted Eastwood. Best of both worlds--curt and bold, but he just won't agree to it. Think about it: 'How many plagues have I just struck you with? Nine or ten? I admit, in all the excitement, I lost count. What you have to ask yourself is, Do you feel blessed? Well, do ya, Pharaoh?'"

"But you look more like Keaton."

"Whatever, Elijah! You're just ticked because one of your namesakes will become famous for playing a furry-toed midget!"

"It's called a hobbit! And it's a great role!"

"Of course, but it's a far cry from that whole prophets of Baal barbecue cook-off."

"Um," said Jesus, "could we talk about me for a moment? I'm kinda stressing out about my impending death, here!"

"And, of course, they'll overlook the fact that the Almighty told you to put your shoes back on at the burning bush, Mo! You should've just said, Let my people go, or I'll take off my sandals! After the plague of foot odor, you could have skipped the rest!"

"You're just jealous, because they won't even be making a movie of your life, E!"

Then a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and a voice came from the cloud saying, "Hey! This is not what I brought you guys back for!" and promptly they were whisked away.

When they looked up, the disciples saw only Jesus.

And Peter replied, "So... that's a 'no' on the additional tabernacles, then?"


HMSnow said...

Yes, but what we really want to know is, the lab coat-- was it Brain Lab standard? I mean, sure, it was moose-tested, obviously, but still...

["Hey! This is not what I brought you guys back for!"]

Gregory said...

I'm thinking "no" on the Elijah biopic. It would probably revolve around his alleged coke habit and forbidden love for Jezebel.

Allen's Brain said...

HMS, If you give a moose a lab coat, he'll probably want a pocket protector. And if you give him a pocket protector, he'll want some pens to go in it, so you'll go searching through the lab for as many as you can find...

Gregory, I've often wondered about how much time he seems to have spent "ministering to" widows.
Good to have ya back, BTW!