Monday, October 06, 2008

Allen's Brain debates Sarah Palin

I was present in St Louis the day of the Vice Presidential debate. I had assumed that—as a vice presidential candidate--I was implicitly invited. Apparently, I was not. I had already invited Joe Biden to debate me, but he said that he “refused to stoop to my level,” a comment I could only assume meant that he would not be seen with someone my height—brain in a jar that I am.

Clearly, Joseph Biden hates the disabled!

I did not ask Sarah Palin to debate me. Rather, I cornered her in an elevator. Kind of...

Brain: Governor Palin, it was kind of you to meet me for this debate.

Palin: (looks around confusedly)

Brain: Down here, Ms Palin. I am Allen’s Brain—a third party vice-presidential candidate, running with Max, the Drunken Severed Head. Perhaps you’ve heard of us.

Palin: Is this some kind of joke?

Brain: Certainly not! I was wondering if I could raise a few issues with you in a sort of audience-free, informal debate.

Palin: Informal? That’s my middle name! I’m not one of those Washington politicians! I’m just a regular person with straight talk for every Joe Six-Pack and Hockey Mom in this great nation of ours. I’m just like you. Really.

Brain: Just like me? Madam, I’m an atomically-enhanced brain in a jar.

Palin: Well, that’s okay, because McCain/Palin is a party of mavericks! We don’t do things the way they’ve been done on Capitol Hill for far too long! I think we can all agree that what we really want is to restore this nation’s former glory and win the war on terror—and it all starts with everyone doing their fair share!

Brain: Indeed. Everyone should do their fair share of bowing to my superiority, as I become supreme ruler of the planet! Shall we begin, then?

Palin: Sure. Can I call you “Brain”?

Brain: That would be fine. Of course, it would be different if we were on the phone. If you call me, you can call me “Al.”

Palin: Are you really a third-party candidate?

Brain: No. I’m actually just here for a dental appointment. My doctor’s on the fourth floor.

Palin: Well, “Drill, Baby, Drill!”

Brain: Truly, your passion is contagious. So, what do you think about the mortgage bailout?

Palin: I’d like to answer that question, if I may, by commenting on the energy issue. We have plenty of resources available! There’s all the milk we need, but guys like Barack Obama and Joe Biden won’t let us near the cows! And I think it’s time we say, “Turn those babies loose!” Yee-haw! Drill, Baby! Drill! Whoo!

Brain: A significant issue, to be sure.

Palin: You’re darn right, it’s a significant issue! And McCain/Palin is just the ticket to bring resolution to that issue!

Brain: Now, about global warming—

Palin: You know, Brain—you’re sure it’s not “Brian”?

Brain: Quite.

Palin: Well, I’m just a regular person like you. I’m not some Washington fat cat. And I think if you go to a soccer game and talk to any of the soccer moms, you’ll get the same answer. They’re worried about global warming. And John McCain has a plan to do something about it! Even though we’re not really sure that we have contributed that much to global warming, we have plans to fight it on all fronts: foreign and domestic!
And speaking of “foreign and domestic,” who would you rather have a beer with? Me or Joe “stuff shirt/not one of you” Biden? Huh? Huh?!

Brain: I’m sure that’s a valid point—though I can’t seem to see why.

Palin: You’re darn right, it’s a valid point! It’s just plain talk for plain, middle-class Americans—the middle class Americans that Sen. Obama wants to raise taxes for!

Brain: Shall we discuss nuclear disarmament in Pakistan?

Palin: I am so glad you brought that up! You know, Brain, what this country really needs is more sources of energy, to keep the prices low—

Brain: Um, Madam Governor? Nukes? Pakistan? Are you going to answer that question?

Palin: Well, just because I don’t answer it the way you think it ought to be answered, you automatically assume that I’m not answering it at all. I am answering it—just not the way a Washington politician would! See, we’re, mavericks, Me & John, and we’ll answer the questions however we darn well please! I—

Elevator: Ding!

Brain: This is my floor. Goodbye, Ms Palin.

Palin: G-Giant Lizard p-people! H-holy Reagan! Brr!

So now you know why Governor Palin was a bit rattled during the Veep debate the other night.

Vote Head/Brain ’08! Strange you can believe in!


Max the drunken severed head said...

You exceeded expectations! Congratulations! I am proud of you, sir.

But hey, do me a favor? Let me serve two terms in office BEFORE you work on that plan for your own global domination?


hmsnow.novelist said...

Strangely enough, what intrigued me most was the fact that an atomically-enhanced brain in a jar has teeth on which a dentist can work. It must be an indicator of just how rattled Gov. Palin was, since any self-respecting politician would have gone for the metaphorical throat of this discrepancy... unless the teeth are metaphorical as well, in which case, the dental appointment would stand for... what exactly?

Allen's Brain said...

HMS, Teeth, in this case, are probable metaphors for political power and influence. In either case, I have none. While you're worried about teeth, I'm a bit concerned about how I managed to reach the buttons for the elevator. The answer--in both cases--lies with my atomic super-race of Lizard-Men. Even mutants get cavities, and trick-or-treat season is coming up.
Or maybe I'm just sarcastic.

Max, I'd be happy to let you serve

two terms.

But the political arena is a dangerous place, scandals (and assassinations) occur! But for helping me rise to the top (as is the wont of pond scum) you[r mummified head] shall have a special place in my empire!

Max the drunken severed head said...

Hey, Joe Lieberman has been calling about the veep slot and BEGGING me to change my mind!

Or BRAIN, as the case may be.

I better not see a Lizard Man sticking a target on the back of my head.

That said, keep up the good work. But focus all your negative energies on the other candidates, okay?


See you at Murphy's Grill to watch the debate tonight.

Mike said...

What us scarier...Obama Rama in office or this blog!!
Pretty funny y'all..keep it up. Strange is god..

Allen's Brain said...

Actually, Max, I sent a few Lizard-Men to see John McCain. He didn't flinch a bit. Kept claiming he'd seen worse. He'll be tough.
Obama got along just fine with them--as he does with other terrorists, apparently.

Joe, I hope you meant that strange is "good." If not, send me all your money as an act of devotion.