Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A NaPraGoMo special edition of the Melvin Gospel

If this doesn't motivate you to pray, I'm not sure what will!
And when you pray, do not be like the hippos, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full--because God does not answer the prayers of hippos, nor of the rhinoceros, nor of the woolly egret*. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door. Seriously! None of us want to see your ugly mug in the synagogue again. Then your father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. He agrees with us.

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, because nobody likes a nagging whiner! Besides, your father knows what you need before you ask him--and it's not right to try and go over his head to the Almighty!

This, then, is how you should pray: "'Our Father, Good Heavens! Hollered be your name** , your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. (Y'know, like those rebellious angels that one time.)

Give us today our daily bread--and no cheaping out with that boring matzoh stuff! (For if you do not hold your Creator to a high standard, will he not verily become a slacker?)

Forgive us our sub prime mortgages, as we also hope to one day be in a position to forgive our debtors--and then not do it. That'll show 'em!

And lead us not into temptation. We know right where it is, thank you very much!

*This is the best translation we could come up with. What a woolly egret is, we have no idea.

**The marginal note reads at this point: On feast days and special Sabbaths, add "We say it loud. We say it proud. But mostly just loud."

Click here for a comparative translation.

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