Thursday, January 22, 2009

Melvin tackles the Temptations in the Wilderness

After his baptism, Jesus was driven by the Spirit into the wilderness--probably in a Yugo--to be tempted. He fasted there for 40 days and nights. He was so fast, in fact, that it only took him 30 days and nights. On the heels of this crash diet, he was, predictably, very hungry.

The tempter came to Jesus and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."

But Jesus replied, "Man does not live by bread alone. I had in mind a nice, big, juicy steak--with some slices of honeydew on the side. Just bread? No wonder your catering business went belly-up!"

And Satan said to him, "You're right. I should have stuck with a fruits-n-veggies menu. I had some great success with fruit in that little garden cafe a few millenia back, you know."

"So I remember."

"By the way, have you seen the view from up here?" Immediately, Jesus was whisked away to the highest point of the temple.

"Nice," said Jesus.

"Look at all those people down there," the tempter said, "shouting 'Jump! Jump!' "

"People do like a good show."

"Wouldn't it be impressive if you jumped, and then just instants before you hit the ground, the angels swooped in to catch you? Isn't that what the Old Book--"

"--I think you mean 'Good Book.' " Jesus interrupted.

"Right! I've always had trouble with that word," the devil said. "Anyway, um, something about, 'He will give his angels charge over you so that you won't stub your toe on a rock.' Of course, if you really aren't the Son of God..."

"You know that I am. Are you suggesting that I jump off, making my Father prove that he's here and that he cares?"

"Sure! That'd be a pretty amazing stunt, wouldn't it? Folks would be very impressed."

"How about if I shove your Yugo off the roof here, instead?"

"But I still have thirteen payments to make on it!" Satan whined.

"Thirteen," snorted Jesus. "Naturally. Anyway, putting God to the test is a no-no."

"So, no swan dive today, eh?"

"Not without a motorcycle and a ring of fire."

"Oooh!" Satan rubbed his coarse palms together, "That would be Evel!"

"Besides, have you seen the view from the mountains?" asked Jesus.

"That's my line!"

The tempter showed him all the nations of the world and their splendor, including the locations of all the best melon patches. "All this is mine," he gloated, "and I will give it to you if you'll simply bow down to me."

"All this is yours, and you're making payments on a Yugo?"

"It's all about style," he blustered. "I wanted a truly hellish vehicle--and the Edsels were all sold out."

"Huh. I've always liked Hondas, m'self. One day, all of my followers will be in one Accord."

"Who's the straight man in this routine, anyway, Jesus?"

"Oh, all right... Get behind me Satan!"

"And push?"

"Get lost!"

"I didn't figure on being saved!"

Jesus sighed. "It is written, worship the Lord your God and only serve him."

"What sort of wine goes best with Creator?" asked the devil as he faded away.

Jesus looked at the beautiful view before him and laughed. He knew it was just the screen saver all along.


PaperSmyth said...

My favorite line:

"Satan rubbed his coarse palms together, 'That would be Evel!'"

Missed you!

The Ironic Catholic said...

Ooh, this one is GOOD.

I like
"Huh. I've always liked Hondas, m'self. One day, all of my followers will be in one Accord."


CMinor said...

"That would be Evel!"--prolonged groan.

I loved it!

Z said...

Ha! Great stuff.

"the Old Book... You mean the Good Book?"

Arrived via TIC. Thanks.

SherryTex said...

Well done.

Could have Jesus point out that he has an excellent Fish and Chips catering service and has been know to deliver wine on a moment's notice.

Allen's Brain said...

I'm glad to see how many of you got the "Evel" pun. It was a bit of a gamble, but I figured at least capitalizing would help, without calling too much attention to it.

Z, Glad you like the "Old Book" joke. It was a stretch, but I thought it made for funny banter.

And Sherry: Yes. Jesus Certainly could have pointed that out. In fact, after what Melvin has been revealing, I'm not even going to suggest that a text may not exist in which Jesus does that very thing!

Special Thanks to IC for continuuing to widen my readership! I hope to continue to disappoint you all! Er... something like that.