Thursday, March 12, 2009

Virtue Vineyards

We have Scripture printed on t-shirts, bumper stickers, neckties, toys, and even candy wrappers (like the Testa-mints) but haven't you ever wished that it would go where it was REALLY needed?

We at Virtue Vineyards--the very first Christian Witness Winemakers--have heard your cry! We produce wines and spirits inspired by the Bible, with the sacred text printed right on the label!

Here are just a few of what Virtue Vineyards has to offer:

Sunday Go-To-Meetin' Cabernet - Incur the Lord's wrath with this fine vintage, inspired by Leviticus 10:9

Viper's Sting - Renowned for its lovely red color, this sparkling wine goes down smooth, but watch out for those hangovers! With its low price and the warning of Prov 20:1 & Prov 23:29-35 on the label, it may be just the thing for the burgeoning alcoholic in your life!

Cana Wedding Wine - You'll never run out of this celebratory wine, packaged in generously-portioned 20 gallon stone jars! And the price is nothing short of miraculous! Messiah-approved! (Jn 2:6-10)

Timothy's Olde Fashioned Medicinal Tonic - A little wine for your stomach. (1 Tim 5:23)

Naked Noah - It's almost shameful how good this wine is! Goes great with Ham! (Gen 9:20-24)

Lot's Daughters - a deceptively passionate wine. Be careful! It goes right to your head! Virtue Vineyards not responsible for unexpected pregnancies resulting from drinking Lot's Daughters. (Gen 19:30-36)

King B’s Floating Fingers Firkin - Made from the grapes of divine wrath! Label can't be read by Persian astrologers. (Dan 5:1-8)

Herod's Folly - Lose your head, or someone else's! (Mk 6:21-28*)

Ruth's Proposal - Take yer shoes off! A simple wine that's perfect for celebrating the end of the harvest, but sophisticated enough that you can comfortably pop the cork and then pop the question! (Ruth 3:7-11)

Non-wine selections:

Sword of the Spirits: Thy Word! This pure grain alcohol is sure to add to the pleasure and enlightenment of your Bible study! Eph 6:17 & Heb 4:12 are printed on the small label of this hip flask-sized bottle.

Poor Schlub Ale - Our only ale so far. A low, low price and a 12% alcohol content is perfect for the downsized, downtrodden, and the down-and-out, to help them forget their misery! (Prov 31:4-7)

Nazirite's Vow - Our non-alcoholic, apple-based vino, for the tea-totallers, AA members, and any Nazirites you may meet at your party. (Num. 6:2-3)

Daniel's Wine - We've branched out into bottled water! (Dan 1:5-20)

Witness Wines from Virtue Vineyards: Buy them wherever New Wines and Holy Spirits are sold!
*Okay, so there's no wine actually mentioned here, but come on! You're telling me no alcohol was involved in this debacle?


DMinor said...

Great post! Does the Viper's Sting come with or without paper bag?

In the life imitates art department, there is a vintner who puts scripture on his wine label.

Allen's Brain said...

Heh. Thanks DMinor!