NOT What It Appears To Be!

More confusing religious kitsch found at my local "Christian Store." Resurrection Sunday edition.

Okay: Bunny. Giant egg decorated in pastel colors. All these point to Easter, right? But, Oh-hoho! "He is Risen" appears on the egg! It appears to be a mixing of the more mainstream pagan iconography of Easter and the message of Jesus' resurrection. "Hooray! Bunnies & eggs & marshmallow chicks in radioactive colors! BUT ALSO: Hooray! Jesus rose from the grave!" (And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter.)

However, the following vintage Easter graphic altered my whole perspective on this kitschy tchotchke.

Imagine opening your Easter basket, only to find this foul beastie awaiting you, huge red eyes agleam with demonic lupine evil! Don't believe me? Click on it to see it at full-size! He's plainly waiting to go for your throat, and likely nibble on your brains!

WHO has risen? Why, it's the Undead Zombie Bunny of Caerbannog! Better hope one of your eggs is a Holy Hand Grenade! Otherwise, death awaits you all with big, nasty, sharp, pointy teeth!

Because we REALLY LOVE coffee!

I've seen this "inspirational" slogan many times before. And I get it; I really do. But I am a warped brain, and I see something else entirely in this particular presentation of the sentence..

The accompanying pic is of a steaming coffee mug and beans superimposed over "word art" listing all sorts of coffee and coffee-related words. Perhaps we are to associate coffee with "Good Morning."

Or MAYBE... more sinisterly... we are intended to see "coffee, coffee, coffee!" as the thing that gets it all done, that handles all of our problems for us. PERHAPS we are to associate all the java-y goodness with the statement "This is God"! That's right! Rank idolatry! The worship of COFFEE! Bum-bum-Buuuuum!


Naw, probably not. But now, you can't un-see it, so my work here is done.

A couple unusual nativities

Every year, a certain website publishes pictures of the most outrageous, bizarre, stupid and/or offensive nativity sets they can find. Here are a couple I found online recently that suit my twisted, monster-movie-fueled sensibilities.

Isabel Samaras

 Not three-dimensional figures, but delightfully-awful, nonetheless. I like the bat rattle. At first, I though Drac was supposed to be Joseph, but I expect he's intended to be a wise man, since it's Frankie & his Bride. Almost want to make this into a Christmas card. Almost.

And now, 2 Day of the Dead-themed manger scenes:

Hand-carved in Guatemala, $95 on eBay.

I like this small one for it's use of color and flowers. Again, no shepherds, though those two skeleton animals  may be sheep. The figure on the far left is an angel. See the red wings?

Peruvian artisan Claudio Jimenez Quispe

This one is huge, and certainly more-elaborate -- but just as inappropriate. Must be seen full-sized to be disbelieved. Click, if you dare!

And, while we're on the subject, here's the tiki manger I posted last year.

More stuff that amuses and confuses Allen's Brain

This'll teach me to go shopping! Warning: some of this is religious in nature.
The first two are from Barnes & Noble.

I THOUGHT I knew what an Advent calendar was. Apparently, I was wrong, because THIS is a CHRISTMAS Advent calendar. As opposed to, you know, an EASTER Advent calendar or a HALLOWEEN Advent calendar. SO glad we straightened that out!

Because that's the point of the church service, right?

My issue, here, has to do with the change in the role of the corporate worship experience. It used to be that you evnagelized folks and then brought them into the community of believers. Now, it seems, the primary perceived purpose of the church service IS evangelism -- or, at least, baiting the unbeliever into coming back until they respond to the Gospel.
But is that what the church is primarily about? Making the unchurched comfortable?
Never mind this one. I'm just being curmudgeonly, I guess.
*****

And now, on to an un-named antique mall:

Yup, Santa Prunes: the world's grumpiest Father Christmas!
Remember when bad kids used to get coal or sticks in their stockings?
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Looks like someone needs a little roughage!"

I know it's Santa Clara or Santa Clarita, but doesn't it look, at a glance, like "Santa Claus Prunes"?


And now, saving the best worst most notable for last:

I'll give you a moment to drink in, in all its... splendor.

First, it's a Christmas banner/folk art piece.

Takes a few moments to work out "He's Cheer Here!" is supposed to be read "Cheer. He's Here!"

"He," in this instance, is baby Jesus. See the halo? We are, it appears, looking down on him in the manger. Instead of canonical swaddling clothes, this ChristChild appears to be in a modified Christmas stocking -- red bottom, white top -- making him a Christmas gift. Nice sentiment!

You next spot the cruciformly-outstretched arms with too-cute hearts in the palms. You then begin to realize the whole thing is kind of cross-shaped. The "artist" wants to remind us that the baby in the manger came to be our Savior -- an act he will accomplish in his vicarious death at Calvary. And it was an act of love for us, so there are hearts instead of bleeding, nailed hands.

My personal favorite is the way the hair forms an almost-perfect icthus fish symbol! Only the upper "fin" of the tail is missing on the right, but maybe it broke off. Probably unintentional, but it made me laugh -- and hurl.

While none of it is really objectionable, the whole thing -- tassels, fringes, and all -- is just... ugly. I get it, but it's just, so... Blech!

Actually, if you want this item, let me know. Maybe I can acquire it for you. Then perhaps it will stop haunting my nightmares.  Shudder!

More confusing Christian "kitsch"

I was in my local Christian bookstore the other day. I usually see simplistic or even cheesy religious slogans, but sometimes, I find the truly baffling. Such as this t-shirt:

As best as I could tell, there are no Scripture references or anything else to further explicate this conundrum. (They bypassed the misuse of the Bible by not including any on this shirt: kudos?) Clearly, this is geared to Star Wars fans who love Jesus. I'm okay with that. And while you can find Christian themes in those films, the over-arching worldview and philosophy is pantheistic/Hindu/Buddhist. It's not a worldview that Jesus embraced. Very confusing this is. Difficult to swallow I find it.

And then there was this framed picture:

 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." - Psalm 91:4

The text refers to God protecting his people in the same way a mother hen hides her chicks beneath her wings. Let's see... there's a bird! Birds have feathers AND wings! So, if the little bird is standing in for the Almighty, the that makes us... the door knob? That's right. The message of this picture is that YOU, faithful believer, are a knob -- and you're about to be pooped on.

Patriotic? Religious? T-shirts

So... You're an American Christian, and you want to celebrate Independence Day. You could buy one of these ACTUAL t-shirts!

We're not sure what it is, but there's SOMETHING about them! This is not TOO bad, I guess. You love your God; you love your nation; you want to state that you love them both.

"There is something about" draping the cross with Old Glory that grates on me, however. Like they can't decide which stands higher on the list of priorities. Oh, and the horrid (though typical) misuse of Psalm 33:12! Even if you want to reinterpret Israel as the Church, the ol' U.S. of A. does not have a covenant with God the way Israel did/does.

This is the best pic I could find. Sorry.

This one is kinda cute. Of course, it IS a kids' t-shirt. It's a play on the "inalienable rights" in the Declaration of Independence: "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Meals." The cross stands in for life, the American flag for Liberty (meaningful to an American kid) and what seems like a star-eyed smiley face for Happiness.

Okay.

What slays me is the header, "Jesus gives me." Life and happiness, yes. (Though any thinking person will point out that the guarantee is for the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself.) Liberty, in a non-political sense, sure. (Freedom from sin's power, et al.) But using the flag in this context makes it look as if the shirt is saying Jesus died to give us the freedoms guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. Not too bad, though. You could do much worse--as we'll soon see, sadly.

Jesus tells his followers that we are the light of the world. Matthew 5:16 is cited right on the shirt in case folks aren't familiar with that. I don't think Jesus was talking about the Statue of Liberty, though.

Dissonance aside, this is a nice-looking shirt design.

Wow...

Let's imagine the creative process behind this one.

"Y'know, I really love that Isaiah 53:5! We should put that on a t-shirt!"

"Yeah, we could put some spikes on there--maybe kinda in the shape of a cross!"

"Kewl! But the verse says "stripes." How do we fit that on the shirt?"

"Let's see, what has stripes? Hmm... stripes... 'Stars and Stripes'..."

"That's perfect! We'll stick the American flag on there!"

"And just to make sure they get it, we'll put some stars on the spikes, like they're reflecting or maybe rubbed off."

"Excellent!"
*****

Maybe they were going for the  2 Chronicles 7:14, "Heal their land" thing (also typically misused). I dunno. Mostly, I just think it's bad.

This tee was designed using the blind-folded dart-throw method, it seems.

Ichthus fish--ancient symbol of Christianity.

Jesus Saves--popular religious truth.

"Jesus Saves" cleverly re-fonted as "jesUSAves," meaning:
--Jesus Saves the USA?
--"Jesus Saves" REALLY means "I love America"?
--I'm in the USA, therefore I am saved by Jesus?
--Aren't we clever? We noticed that when you run these two words together, you get USA in the middle! And, Hey! We like the USA! Now we can get TWO of our favorite things on this shirt! Woohoo!

"United States (national flag) of America," because people might not get the "USA" thing?

A nice text from the Psalms, though it's difficult to see it's connection to ANYTHING ELSE on the shirt.

It's kinda like a much more baffling version of the "Something about God and Country" shirt.

The branding/stamp "Paid In Full" paired with John 3:16.

Superimposed on

The U.S. flag clever rendered as the 48 contiguous states..

Wha? 

John 3:16 is abbreviated "For God so loved..." Are we to fill in "... the United States"?
Jesus shed his blood for this country, so they are saved, by virtue of citizenship?
Jesus' death secures our national freedom?

If you think that's confusing, here's some of the ad copy from the website these came from:

"Jesus paid it all, and those who serve our country have followed suit."
And, from the baseball cap version of this design: "This Paid in Full cap gives honor where it's due to our Savior and those who defend our country, too."

Translation: "We find enough similarity between the sacrifices of our troops--living and dead--and the atoning death of Christ, that we feel no qualms about putting the two concepts together in one place, devoid of explanation." I'm not sure if this makes me more angry as a Christian or as an American.


Or as this shirt states so well,

I think I understand the intent of this shirt. Our faith impacts our politics, and it should be so. But it reminds me so much of how some folks can't seem to tell the two apart.

This may be a sort of antidote to the rest of these. True, you've got the Declaration of Independence in the background, Old Glory in the foreground, with "Since 1776." You have a quotation from a patriotic song, "America, God shed his grace on thee."

Then, you have Romans 5:8, which, in this context, may mean, "Our citizens are sinners and in need of God's grace and the forgiveness brought by Christ's death."

Sadly, it's probably just another shirt proclaiming that, since Christianity influenced our founding fathers, we are a Christian nation, and don't you heathen scumbag liberals forget it!

Now THAT would be a great t-shirt!

Introducing the edifi!

I wish I were making this up! I really do. However, this ad was in my email this morning from Family Christian Stores, the largest chain of Christian bookstores. Apparently, the nook and kindle just weren't religious enough.

A toy for a Christian cat?

No longer does your Christian cat have to hide his faith!

Never again will she have to project her beliefs in uncool ways that embarrass her in front of her heathen feline peers!

Behold! The ichthus cat toy! He may not have nine lives, but now it will be evident to all that his eternity is secure, just like his owner's! Hallelujah!



My kitty is more spiritual than your kitty!



My Camo Bible Nightmare

He was so proud of his new camouflage cover Bible!

Immediately, he went out to the forest.

He sat down at the base of a tree and began to read.

The Bible's rugged, outdoorsy print seemed to make the beautiful and relevant words even more beautiful and relevant!

Finally, he began to get a glimpse of what the Psalmist saw of God's presence in nature.

He set his Bible down, and closed his eyes in prayer.

He finished his prayer, opened his eyes, and could not find his Bible!

Will YOU risk it?

"Caption That Christian Kitsch!"

As a long-time Christian and occasional consumer of “religious” products, some amount of disappointment often arises with the dubious inspirational value of what amounts to kitsch at best and misuse of Scripture at worst. But I've learned to live with some of the cheesiness.

For instance, this apron, decorated with cupcakes and the text, “Taste and see that the Lord is good! Psalm 34:8.”  Its matching tea towel reads “How sweet are your words to my taste! Psalm 119:103”
 

Okay. So... goofy, but probably harmless. Besides, the tastiness of cupcakes COULD remind us of the goodness of God and his Word, right?


This one, I actually like. It’s a silly pun take on a Bible verse, and it DOES stick it in your mind!

Kinda’ cutesy, but I can think of people who would appreciate it for its punniness–though probably not treasure it for its SPIRITUAL content. (That is, unless they filled it with Jack Daniels or something.)



Okay, your turn to play!  Here is a “Contemporary 15" square wood frame with overall pattern design; 7" square mirror inset.”

What will the calligraphed words at the top say?

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14”?

“I am made in the image of God! (Genesis 1:27)”

“Let me mirror Christ today”?

No, actually.
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“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Psalm 100:1”


Nothing wrong with that text. Good stuff.

Why on a mirror?  Dunno.

"Christian" product, you confound me so!

More Christian Kitsch.

If there was a Christian version of FaceBook:

-Would there be “friend” requests, since everyone is automatically granted “neighbor” status?

-Perhaps there would be “brother/sister” or “orthodox” requests.

-“Unfriend” would be “Disfellowship” or “Excommunicate.” It would come with a note that says, “Don’t worry! Jesus told us to love and pray for our enemies, too!”

-Instead of “like/dislike,” we could have “Amen!/Heresy!”

-Instead of games like Farmville, we’d probably have Mission Field, or ChurchPlant.

-Oh, and we’d probably call it “FaithBook.”
*****

Add yours in the comment box!

From the book of Rrrruph?

Saw this in the local Christian bookstore. The text is, of course, that tender moment from Ruth 1:16.

Now, I can never think of it as anything but a text about a faithful puppy-dog.

Because we've run out of really cool human villains?

If you make action figures out of Bible people, you're gonna need some villains to fight. Obviously, there's Goliath for David, lions for Daniel, a Philistine barber for Samson... a stubborn rock for Moses... um...

Ooh! Here we go!

Bad pic of package's back.  "Special Skills" is something about his tail, I think.

A-N-D a leviathan for Job!

A Call to Christian Hedonism!



"Jesus Saves," "Stop and Pray," "Prayer Zone," and "What?!"

 These cute little traffic pylons have (debatably) inspirational religious sayings on them. Here's the one that caught my atomically-enhanced attention.



"Yield to Sin"?

 I suppose they mean something like, "Let it go past. Don't take part in it." However, there's an old song from my childhood that I can't get out of my mind: "Yield Not To Temptation." (MIDI warning!)

New Spiritual Fruit Baffles Religious Nut

I was reading a catalog for Teacher Created Products recently. As you might guess by the name, it sells items created BY teachers FOR teachers.  Much of it is bulletin-board decorations. They have a religious product section as well, for use by, I'd guess, Christian schools and Sunday Schools. Well and good.

These items gave me pause, however.

Count the "fruits." Note what's listed. Feel free to check it against Galatians 5:22-23. Notice anything?

Feel free to share your bafflement and/or suggested explanations in the comment box.

"Try Jesus"?

I saw a bumper sticker on a truck the other day which read "Try Jesus."

Why? Didn't Caiaphas and Pilate already do a good enough job? They both condemned him to death, and now you want to drag him into court again? On what charge?

Kitty loves Jesus?

A Jesus action figure, anyway.

"...and he was with the wild beasts..." - Mark 1:13

Feel free to caption this, if the mood/inspiration strikes you.

More Inappropriate Usage of Isaiah 53:5...

And an irksome pun, in this context.

Okay, I get it, the "Scars & Stripes Forever" humorously parodies the title of John Philip Sousa's rousing march,"The Stars & Stripes Forever." The "scars" and "stripes" are those belonging to Christ, and their salvific impact lasts "forever." Just in case we miss the reference, The shirt designers have the words of Isaiah 53:5 printed down the white "stripe."

However, must we have an American flag (and with the errant stars spraying off the blue field, it's no doubt intended to be such) as the background--even if it does look like someone smashed a patriotic bug on their windshield? Can't we just assume that people will get the joke, and place the slogan over a picture of the crucifixion?

Both this shirt and the other one may be purchased at Family Christian Stores, one of the largest chains of such businesses.

I Pledge Allegiance to. . . Um. . .

Because Christians never have any difficulty separating their patriotism from their faith.

Jesus is Groovy, Apparently

So how did you evangelize hippies? Ask John Rydgren.

According to Hyp Records:

The legacy of John Rydgren (deceased) is one of the most enigmatic in radio-jock if not also record history. A Lutheran evangelist, Rydgren started a hit program called "Silhouettes," in which he rapped over such appealing tunes as "Music to Watch Girls By," "Groovin'," "Rinky Dink," the Electric Prunes' "Kyrie Eleison,"...

[h]is thoughts were highly original, ranging from quirky perceptions of the mundane to deep acid-head philosophy...

"Silhouettes" were as weird as anything heard from a pulpit or transistor radio.

Pastor John pitched his rants to the Hippie Freaks (many of whom would become Jesus Freaks) entirely on the hippies' own terms. Mentioned frequently are drugs (LSD, mushrooms, pot), mini-skirts, and other signifiers of the era. References to God... are plentiful but philosophical and intriguing. Such evangelical pills were supposed to slip subtly through the sugar coating of everyone's favorite psychedelic '60s hits. It worked.

For a taste, here are illustrations of Rydgren's "Hippy 23rd Psalm":

King David would be SO impressed!

I downloaded this LP quite a while ago, and was just listening to it again yesterday.

(Unintentionally) funny stuff!

Do yourself a favor, and give a listen to John Rydgren's "Silhouette Segments."  Each clip is an idividual download, so even pokey connections can snap 'em up.