Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Another passage of the Melvin Gospel translated and released.

And it came to pass--but it failed, anyway--that as they went, Jesus and his followers entered a certain village. (This is a good thing, because, well--have you ever been in one of those uncertain villages? You know the kind: "I'm a village! No, I'm a town! No, wait! I'm a moderately-sized city! Oh! Nope, I'm just a dusty settlement!" and then, "Poof!" they're gone entirely! Very unstable, those uncertain villages.)* And a certain woman there invited them into her home. Her name was Martha--of this, she was certain. She had a sister named Mary, who was less certain about her place, it seems. For instead of helping her sister in the kitchen, she sat at Jesus' feet, listening to what he had to say! See what I mean about being uncertain? Maybe she thought she was Martha's brother, Mary. And while we're on the subject of brothers...

 "Sir," Martha said, "I'd like you to meet by brother, Lazarus."

But Mary saith unto her, "Dear sister, he hath not yet risen, but still lies in bed."

"What?" asked Martha, very wroth. "Why, that lazy so-and-so! Mary, if you had awakened him earlier, my brother would not have overslept." 

Then she called out to him, "Lazarus! Come forth!" but he did not get up.

"Verily, he is a sound sleeper," Mary said, "like one who is dead."

Martha called for him again and again. After the third time, Lazarus appeared, the bed clothes still wrapped about him.

"I'd have been here sooner," he said, "but I was waiting for those other three guys to get up."

And they were greatly perplexed at his words. And he told them plainly, "Did you not say I was to come fourth?"

And Jesus did laugh. "Next time he won't get up, let me call for him," he said.

And so Martha served the first course: cucumber and leek soup. And this, with a reputable merchant of fresh melons parked practically outside your door, Martha? Add a little fruit to your guests' diet, why don't you? Perhaps, Mary would have been more aware of her place in that house, if you'd fed her more cantaloupe!

Martha was distracted with all of her serving, and she came unto Jesus and said to him, "Sir, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve you and your twelve starving fishermen all alone? I hate to intrude on her role as a model proto-feminist here, but--kindly tell her that, as a woman, her place is in the kitchen!"

Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried about many things. Normally, I'd say you were right. However, your sister Mary gives a great foot massage, and I'm not going to interrupt her."

Enraged and astonished, Martha returned to the kitchen. And great was the clatter of pans striking against one another and of pots breaking on the floor and walls.

And Jesus said to Mary, "That felt great. Next time, you should try it with some perfumed ointment, or something."

*parentheses added by translators for clarity.

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