Good help is so hard to find! So many applicants just lack the basic skills to be a real asset to your place of business. The key in weeding out the bad apples from the truly wormy ones lies, I think, in asking the right interview questions. Here are some I have used recently to locate a qualified assistant. Whether you're looking for a lab assistant or an executive assistant, these questions will help put you on the right track. Feel free to use any and all that you need.
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Name _______________________________________
Gender (list all that apply) _______________________
Age _______ Age in dog years _______
Number of years since your most recent resurrection/regeneration ______
Number of fingers, toes, and other useful appendages (prehensile tail, tentacle, etc.) ________
Briefly describe your past work history, including any felonious activities and unspeakable acts--like politics.
Check any and all that apply.
01. For this job I am willing to:
__ Relocate
__ Learn new skills (computing, filing, dentistry)
__ Regenerate
__ Degrade myself
__ Work long hours for no pay
__ Wear a tie
02. I can take:
__ Dictation
__ Constructive criticism
__ A joke
__ A torch-wielding constable
__ The blood out of this lab coat
__ A bullet
03. I speak:
__ English
__ Archaic and fawning English
__ Transylvanian
__ Gorilla
__ Seldom
__ With a lisp
04. I am hunchbacked because of:
__ Deformity from birth
__ A botched execution
__ An injury on the job; i.e., lugging heavy equipment, corpses, etc.
__ A genetic experiment with camel DNA
__ Style
05. Why did Dr Frankenstein fail?
__ Pride
__ He meddled with things he should have left alone
__ What do you mean, "fail"? The monster lives, doesn't he?
__ Chance (How could he know his creation would be immortal?)
__ Divine judgment
__ It was his assistant's fault, of course.
06. I am capable of making:
__ Plutonium from common household items
__ Repairs and modifications to both atomic- and lightning-powered machinery
__ Flimsy excuses
__ Eleven different death-rays
__ Decent coffee
__ A mess
07. Spell "Igor."
__ Igor
__ Ygor
__ 360R
__ Eye-Gore
__ Fritz
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3 comments:
Name: N/A
Gender (list all that apply): N/A
Age: 1 Age in dog years: 1
Number of years since your most recent resurrection/regeneration: 3 weeks
Number of fingers, toes, and other useful appendages (prehensile tail, tentacle, etc.) 24… 25… 26
Briefly describe your past work history, including any felonious activities and unspeakable acts--like politics.
Entry-level—new home and training needed. Previous adoptions failed due to spontaneous combustion.
Check any and all that apply.
01. For this job I am willing to:
X Relocate
X Learn new skills (computing, filing, dentistry)
X Regenerate
__ Degrade myself
X Work long hours for no pay
X Wear a tie
02. I can take:
__ Dictation
__ Constructive criticism
__ A joke
X A torch-wielding constable
__ The blood out of this lab coat
X A bullet
03. I speak:
__ English
__ Archaic and fawning English
__ Transylvanian
__ Gorilla
X Seldom
X With a lisp
04. I am hunchbacked because of:
X Deformity from birth
__ A botched execution
__ An injury on the job; i.e., lugging heavy equipment, corpses, etc.
__ A genetic experiment with camel DNA
__ Style
05. Why did Dr Frankenstein fail?
__ Pride
__ He meddled with things he should have left alone
X What do you mean, "fail"? The monster lives, doesn't he?
__ Chance (How could he know his creation would be immortal?)
__ Divine judgment
__ It was his assistant's fault, of course.
06. I am capable of making:
__ Plutonium from common household items
__ Repairs and modifications to both atomic- and lightning-powered machinery
__ Flimsy excuses
X Eleven different death-rays
__ Decent coffee
X A mess
07. Spell "Igor."
__ Igor
__ Ygor
__ 360R
__ Eye-Gore
X Fritz
In spite of the physical impossibility of it, the Brain grins broadly.
*****
Dear N/A,
Thank you for your interest in a position with our company. We are gratified to see how qualified you undoubtedly are for the job.
Pertaining to your previous work history, we note that "previous adoptions failed due to spontaneous combustion." While it is certainly against Allen's Brain Lab policy to refuse to hire anyone based on race, gender, species or physical/dimensional limitations, we must ask WHO spontaneously combusted: you or your host family/employer/handler?
How many useful appendages do you WANT me to have? I'm willing to add, just need to find my shovel and my sewing kit....
PS, you just won a blogging award at the Lina Lamont Fan Club (http://linalamont.blogspot.com/2011/06/irresistably-sweet-blog-award.html). Congratulations, and beware of the curse....
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