PNN Headline News, Purim 2012

This is PNN, Persian News Network. Here are today’s headlines.


Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.

In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.

As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.

In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”