Sure, it seemed like a perfect match from the beginning, but in the end, I realized our relationship was destined to fail. Here are some of the reasons why I broke up with God.
01. He was always just so “holier than thou.”
02. He is SO old-fashioned.
03. I didn’t get along with his kid.
04. He kept trying to change me.
05. Okay, I get it: He created me. He’s the reason I (and everything else) continue to exist. He has a great plan for my life here and for my eternity. But when he started to get all possessive and jealous, I was like, “I am SO out of here!”
06. His standards were too high.
07. He kept insisting that I serve him!
08. My friends didn’t like him. This is usually a reliable sign that it isn’t gonna work out.
09. He was seeing other people, but he didn’t want me to see any other deities. I mean, talk about a double standard!
10. Our ideas of a relationship were too different.
11. We just didn’t have enough in common.
12. He kept pushing for a commitment.
13. He’s ALWAYS right. No matter what we’d argue about, it was never HIS fault.
Relax! It’s satire, people! God and I are still together, and we still love each other very much!