Monday, September 23, 2013

The Breakup: 13 Reasons I Called It Quits With My Creator

Sure, it seemed like a perfect match from the beginning, but in the end, I realized our relationship was destined to fail. Here are some of the reasons why I broke up with God.

01. He was always just so “holier than thou.”

02. He is SO old-fashioned.

03. I didn’t get along with his kid.

04. He kept trying to change me.

05. Okay, I get it: He created me. He’s the reason I (and everything else) continue to exist. He has a great plan for my life here and for my eternity. But when he started to get all possessive and jealous, I was like, “I am SO out of here!”

06. His standards were too high.

07. He kept insisting that I serve him!

08. My friends didn’t like him. This is usually a reliable sign that it isn’t gonna work out.

09. He was seeing other people, but he didn’t want me to see any other deities. I mean, talk about a double standard!

10. Our ideas of a relationship were too different.

11. We just didn’t have enough in common.

12. He kept pushing for a commitment.

13. He’s ALWAYS right. No matter what we’d argue about, it was never HIS fault.

Relax! It’s satire, people! God and I are still together, and we still love each other very much!


EegahInc said...

Well, from what I'm reading here, I don't blame you for the break-up. Who does this God think he is, anyway?

Allen's Brain said...

Yep. Glad so many got the intended flavor of the post. I put that final explanatory comment, because I wasn't confident people would get it, and would instead berate me for failing to understand Christianity and try to re-convert me.
On the other hand, I have this horrible nagging feeling that this will end up--sans explanation--being applauded on some atheist forum.