Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Death & Dismemberment in the Gospel of Melvin

This fragment seems to belong to the Sermon on the Mount, following this section.

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. And do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. If your left hand then causes you to sin, you're gonna need a friend.

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. But how can you do this, when all the while there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, then you will be able to remove that eye! Be careful not to cast your pearls (by which he meant your eyes) before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear what's left of you to pieces.

You have heard that it was said -- assuming your ears have not caused you to sin -- "An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, if you can trade a tooth for an eye, you should do it. It is better to go the grave missing a tooth, than to try to find your way through this life blind. And if the blind leads the blind, they shall both fall into the ditch, and there they shall lie until nightfall, for verily, it is the Sabbath.

He who still has eyes to see, let him watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. Watch, therefore, for sheep with pointy grey noses and long wagging tails. And when they refuse green pastures and ask you for a lamb chop instead, these are the wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Wolves don't carry any fruit.

"Neither do cheapskate prophets buy any fruit!" cried Melvin in righteous indignation.

Do not juice, or you too will be juiced. For in the way you juice, you will be juiced; and by your stand of melons, it will be measured out to you.


Bethy said...

I've been an on/ off reader, but now am catching up. Have you thought about turning Melvin into a book? :)

Thanks for your wonderful, off the wall views. Proving that loving God can be both irreverent and hilarious... and honor God, who surely has a warped sense of humor that he bestowed upon us!

Allen's Brain said...

Bethy, Thanks for reading -- most of my readers are "off." :-D
When the translation of the manuscript is finished, I plan to publish.