The Gospel of Melvin: The Parable of The Wedding Feast

The carpenter was on a roll. He launched into another one of his nutty stories.

   “A king’s son was getting married, so he sent out invitations.” (At least it wasn’t one of those “Furnish Your Own Firkin” kind of things. Wine, meat, music--all provided! Yup! With the rich, it’s first class all the way. AND they always include plenty of fresh fruit! I remember this one time, a Sadducee was throwing a party, and he ordered my entire week’s stock of honeydew! It was glorious! Of course, I didn’t get an invitation to the feast, but it was still a memorable occasion for me.)

   “On the day of the wedding party, when the food was nearly ready, he sent his servants to tell the guests that dinner was ready and it was time to come to the party. But everyone began to make excuses not to come to THE gala event of the year! “

   “Sorry,” said one of them, “I’ve just started a business in secondhand formal attire: Gedaliah’s Garments (wedding clothes a specialty), and I’m too busy.”

   Another said, “I’d come, but I’ve just joined up with the Zealots, and so I’m politically opposed to fraternization with the wealthy and powerful.”

   A third said, “I’ve just bought a crate of watermelons, and need to go examine them.” This last he said, looking toward the fruit stand of a certain upstanding merchant, and adding, “Because you never know what you’re really getting!”

   “Ultimately, everyone who was invited turned down the invitation! Enraged, the king sent his soldiers to kill those who refused his invitation and burn their villages. ‘And start with those jokers who gave the bride and groom potholders at their shower!’ ”

   Then the king told his servants, ‘Go out into the streets and the alleys, and invite the poor, the blind, and the lame. They’re used to begging, and so they won’t care if their roast is cold or their wine is warm.’

   This they did, and, after a long while (since it takes a long time to lead the blind to a place, and help the crippled into seats, and convince the beggars that it really is worth their while to follow you,) it was discovered that there were still empty chairs at banquet!

   Again, the king sent forth his servants, “Go out to the highways and the hedges! Bring in the highwaymen and the hedgehogs, the good and the bad, and even the melon merchants! The rent on these tables & chairs is ridiculous, and I’m gonna get my money’s worth!”

   This they also did, and the tables were full of riffraff, who were soon full of lukewarm roast and tepid wine. Even so, it was a great party. However, there was one guy in the place not dressed in wedding clothes.

   “Hey!” the king demanded. (That’s the way with kings! They never just ask. Always demanding and commanding and bellowing!) “How did they let you in without wedding clothes?”

   The man replied, “I had wedding clothes, but I lent them to my neighbor Gedaliah, and never saw them again, until I saw them in his shop window, and for thirty shekels no less! I hope his store burns to the ground!”

   The king was more even more enraged. “The proper attire was being handed out at the door! You’ve no excuse!”

   “It’s true. I just didn’t like the color and style. I’ve got to be me, you know? I’d hoped not to be noticed, but I guess that’s what you get for sitting this close to the head table. Next time I’ll sit in the back.”

   “There won’t be a next time!” bellowed the king. “Guards! Throw this worm out into the darkness, and make sure he lands in the thorn bushes, so that there’s weeping and gnashing of teeth!”

   And so they cast him out toward the valley of Hinnom, where the worm does not die, but the fire and smoke goes up forever. For if you fail to do good deeds before those who can reward you, then shall your Heavenly Father reward you?*

* In the absence of actual punctuation in the text, as it typical of the Greek & Hebrew of the time, it is possible that this last may intended to be a statement, rather than a question. In fact, the true sense of Melvin’s text may be that God will reward you for dishonoring those on earth who may be capable of giving you such transitory rewards as food, drink, money and honor. However, in light of the eschatological punishment meted out to the offender, it seems likely that we ought to view his action as morally offensive. Thus, we ought to read the final statement as a question, with the lesson being, as St Heresias put it, “Take advantage of every opportunity for gain; for it is sinful not to do so.”

Gospel of Melvin on the Woman Taken in Adultery

The account of the woman captured while committing adultery has a sketchy place in the accepted Gospels, appearing in no manuscript before the 6th century. Imagine my surprise at discovering a version of the story in the Melvinic Codex!
*****

    One day, while Jesus was sitting in the temple courts, teaching the people, some teachers of the law and Pharisees showed up, dragging a woman along with them. “Teacher,” they said, “we caught this woman in the act of adultery!”
    “Very well,” he replied, “but I still have to mark you tardy for class! Now, as I was saying, the best wood for making a crate for cantaloupes is –”
    “We’re not here for your carpentry class! This woman – wait! Where’d she go?” for verily she had given them the slip. When they had captured her again, they brought her to Jesus.
    “My father is always working,” he was saying. “Tables, chairs, shelves –”
    “We found this woman in the midst of committing adultery, Teacher! Moses said we should stone women like her to death. What do you say?”
    The carpenter sighed. “Alright, fine! Class dismissed. When you come back tomorrow, bring in your list of five items that you would make with gopher wood.” Then he stooped down and began tracing swirling patterns in the dust around the stones that lay in the temple courts. At first, it was with one finger, then with all of his fingers at once.
    “Well?” asked the Pharisees, “What do you say?”
    “I say that if you want to pass this class, you should be here on time.” And again, he stooped down to continue making his calm, meditative patterns in the dirt.
    This infuriated them. “Do you think we ought to stone her?” they asked, snatching up spare stones from Herod’s ongoing temple renovation project, and utterly ruining the sea of calm Jesus had raked into the dust with his fingers.
    He said to them, “Let he that is without zen cast the first stone.” But they did not understand him, thinking that he said to them, “Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.” And they all began to go away, until no one was left.
    And Jesus was writing in the dust, “1 honeydew melon, cubed. 5 loaves barley bread, blessed and well-broken. 2 pickled sardines, crumbled. 120 gallons water. Preheat charcoal fire to 350 degrees.”
    When they were all gone, Jesus said to the woman, “Again?! Didn’t you quit this sort of thing back in Sychar? Did you forget all about that living water thing?”
    But she said to him, “This is really all your fault, you know. ‘Salvation is from the Jews,’ you said, so I converted to Judaism, and married Mister Number Six. Had I not married him, this wouldn’t have been adultery!”
    Jesus ignored her, looking at one of the cast-off stones and snorting. “How typical! This stone that the builders rejected is the most important stone of the whole structure!”
    The woman continued, “It’s good to see you again. Nice job with that ‘He that is without sin’ comment, by the way.”
    “Yes. ‘Without sin.’” Then he picked up a stone and said to the woman, “I’ll give you a five second head start. Go!” As she fled, he called out, “And sin no more!”

More Melvin On The Way

I'm translating some more of the Melvin gospel today. Seems to be a conflation of the woman at the well in Sychar (John 4) and the woman taken in adultery (John 8.) Perhaps the completed text will give us a clue to the original source material of the latter pericope.

Melvin's Palmless Sunday

Now the feast of Passover was about to begin, and as Jesus and his disciples neared Jerusalem, they stopped upon the mount of Olives. Then the lazy carpenter, who walked everywhere, suddenly decided his feet were too tired to go on. He sent two of his followers to a nearby village to filch a donkey colt for him to sit on.

Andrew asked him, "Master, are you about to preach to the crowds* again?"

"And if you get caught by the owners," Jesus continued, ignoring him, "give them this loaf of bread that I made, and tell them, 'The Lord kneads it.' That will satisfy them, and by the time they realize it is leavened, and they can not eat it during the feast, we'll be long gone."

The disciples returned with the colt and its mother, saying, "This colt has never been ridden and is very unruly, so we brought the mother as well." They laid their cloaks upon both of them, unsure which Jesus would attempt to sit upon. For a time, he sat on both of them, but straightway discovered this would not work.

Arising from the ground between them, he dusted himself off and said to his followers, "No man can sit on two asses, for he will hate the one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot sit on both Lenore and Sanda." By this, he meant the colt, whose name was Sanda, and its mother, Lenore. (Named, it was supposed, for the sound of her braying.)

Deciding at last that the prophecy of Zechariah would best be fulfilled by him sitting upon the colt, he did so.

For it is written, "Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey."

And as they came down the mountainside, he held on to the mother's mane for balance. Seeing that her mane was quite tangled and full of burrs and bits of straw, he began to remove them, gently combing his fingers through her hair.

And the colt upon which he rode began to trot recklessly down the hill, getting ahead of his mother, and nearly spilling Jesus onto the ground yet again. So the crowd that went ahead of Jesus, and those who followed, began to shout, "Whoa, Sanda! Bested is he who combs in the mane of Lenore! Whoa, Sanda, to the summit native!"

At last, the party came to rest in the valley below. There by the roadside, a wise seller of melons had placed his fruit stand. And he was calling out to any who would listen, "Behold, the sun is hot, but my produce is cool--and so are my prices! Come, buy your fresh melons at Melvin's Melons! Remember, buying local is a mitzvah!"

Jesus dismounted and began to peruse Melvin's merchandise.

And the son of the carpenter cried out in a loud voice, "Eighteen shekels for a honeydew?! Hath not my Father spoken in the Law: Thou shalt not steal? Thou wicked purveyor of second-rate fruit! Who shall save you from the coming wrath?"

Having said this, he shoved his sandaled foot through the side of Melvin's fruit stand and overturned his box of change.

"Second-rate?!" Melvin shrieked, "I suppose you think you could find a better deal inside the temple courts?"

And Jesus answering, saith unto him, "Verily, I say unto thee, if I cannot, I'll wreck the whole place myself!"

With that, he mounted Sanda and goaded the colt up the hill. Melvin was very angry and would have seized him, but he could not, for his time had not yet come. His replacement wouldn't arrive for another two hours.

When they entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred up and asked, "Who is this that keeps falling off the donkey's colt?"

And the crowds replied, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee."

And Melvin saith unto them -- the next shift workers having finally arrived, half an hour late, and their wages were docked accordingly, "Nazareth? Ha! Nothing good comes from Nazareth!  Not only did he not buy anything from me, but neither did that bunch of fishermen with him! He's more of a NON-profit, if you ask me!"
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*This is probably a reference to this pericope.

Death & Dismemberment in the Gospel of Melvin

This fragment seems to belong to the Sermon on the Mount, following this section.
*****

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. And do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. If your left hand then causes you to sin, you're gonna need a friend.

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. But how can you do this, when all the while there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, then you will be able to remove that eye! Be careful not to cast your pearls (by which he meant your eyes) before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear what's left of you to pieces.

You have heard that it was said -- assuming your ears have not caused you to sin -- "An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, if you can trade a tooth for an eye, you should do it. It is better to go the grave missing a tooth, than to try to find your way through this life blind. And if the blind leads the blind, they shall both fall into the ditch, and there they shall lie until nightfall, for verily, it is the Sabbath.

He who still has eyes to see, let him watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. Watch, therefore, for sheep with pointy grey noses and long wagging tails. And when they refuse green pastures and ask you for a lamb chop instead, these are the wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Wolves don't carry any fruit.

"Neither do cheapskate prophets buy any fruit!" cried Melvin in righteous indignation.

Do not juice, or you too will be juiced. For in the way you juice, you will be juiced; and by your stand of melons, it will be measured out to you.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep, ala Melvin

Now Jesus did, on many occasions, eat with tax collectors, prostitutes, and other unsavory characters. So the Pharisees and scribes muttered to themselves, "Isn't it truly said, 'A leopard is known by his stripes, and a man by his actions'?"*

And Jesus defended himself, saying, "Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep."

And James said to him, "But we're fishermen! What would we do with sheep?"

And Andrew said, likewise, "Can you imagine taking them out on the boat? They'd probably get tangled up in the nets!"

"Yeah," said John. "And they'd probably get seasick! We'd be cleaning sheep spew out of the boats for weeks!"

But Matthew said, "Not ALL of us are fishermen, you know."

"I know," said Peter, "But did you ever hear Jesus say, Follow me and I'll make you TAXERS of men? I don't think so. And he SURELY never said, I will make you SHEEPERS of men!" And they all laughed. "I can just imagine that!" he continued, "Hey Pete, feed my sheep!"

Then Philip, who'd only been half listening, spoke up. "Wait a minute guys. Lord, did you say 'a hundred sheep' or 'a hungry sheep'?"

"I really wasn't talking to you this time, fellas," Jesus said, though by this time the Pharisees and scribes had lost interest and were discussing among themselves whether it was a sin to shove a Gentile's ox into a ditch on the Sabbath, if simply going around him meant you had to brush up against a Samaritan who was helping a wounded traveler." Jesus cleared his throat loudly and tried again.

"I SAID, Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep, and you lost one. Wouldn't you leave the rest in the field and go look for the one that was lost?"

"I doubt it," said Thomas. "Aren't you leaving them all at the mercy of the wolves, then?"

And Peter was saying, "No, Philip. He clearly said a 'hundred' sheep, so I don't think starvation is the issue here."

"AND," Jesus said, a bit louder this time, "when you find it, won't you carry it home and throw a party with your friends --"

"Well, I see your point," said Judah the Scribe to his neighbor, "but what if it's YOUR ox in the ditch, and the Samaritan wants to help you pull it out? If it gets you to Sabbath service on time, which laws would you be breaking?"

"Ahem. You'd throw a party, saying, 'Rejoice with me! I've found my lost sheep!' Wouldn't you? Well that's how God is! He's happier about finding the lost than about the ones who haven't wandered off. And the tax collectors and prostitutes are --"

"Well," said Little James to Thaddeus, "that may be true, but we don't feed the fish. We just catch 'em."

And Jesus cried out above the murmur, "I AM THE GOOD SHEPHERD! I CARE ABOUT THE SHEEP THAT WANDER OFF! MUCH LIKE YOU ALL ARE WANDERING OFF TODAY!"

Then Simon said to him, "Speaking of sheep, you say you're the shepherd, but Dunking John said you were the Lamb of God. Which is it? Or do you shepherd yourself?"

And Jesus departed to a desolate place to have a little lie-down.
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*Proverb #18 of "The 97 Proverbs of Deliriana the Prophetess"


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Teachers are getting ready to go back to school, knowing that it's likely going to be a battle for students' wandering minds. Preachers like me contend with the same thing weekly, especially on nice sunny days! Perhaps the sort of thing that Melvin's "Gospel" describes really happened, even to Jesus. It would certainly help explain why his disciples failed to grasp even his plainest teachings sometimes.

Gospel of Melvin: Mother's Day Edition

   The carpenter’s son had a knack for telling a good story, and began to think of himself as a great teacher. He had gained a fair following among people who plainly had nothing better to do.*

   Now there was a wedding feast in Cana in Galilee. And behold, someone thought it was a good idea to invite Jesus – AND his disciples! For verily, his mother was the caterer, and was worried that her little boy wasn’t eating properly. And it also seemed a good idea to the bride and groom, because Jesus was eloquent and quick with a funny story.

   “If we invite him, he will entertain us” they said, “and we will not bear the shame of Uncle Simon getting drunk and telling that story about how he sold pork ribs to that rabbi in Gerasa!”

   The feast was going well. People were having a good time. The carpenter was telling a story about his father working in his shop and smiting his thumb with a hammer.

   “And he yelled my name so loud, I think all of Nazareth must have heard it! It is odd, but it kind of caught on after that. I thought it was sort of funny, so I’d go into the shop sometimes, pretend to stub my toe, and then yell, ‘Me!’ just to get dad’s goat. I think that’s one of the reasons he was glad to see me take up another line of work entirely.” And the guests all laughed, and toasted the groom and bride for the sixth time that day.

   But, alas! The wedding party ran out of wine! And is it any wonder? For many of Jesus’ disciples were fishermen! As Rabbi Shmueli has said, “There are three things a fishermen never has his fill of: strong drink, lures, and stories about the one that got away.” And Jesus himself was quite fond of the wineskin. Unlike Dunking John,** Jesus is widely regarded as a glutton and a drunkard – and the life of the party.

   Not so his mother. She called him into the kitchen.

   “Jesus,” she spat, “We’re out of wine already! Do something about it!”

   “Mom!” whined the irritated man, “Why are you trying to drag me into this? It’s not MY wedding!”

   “No, but it’s YOUR disciples who drank this feast drier than Idumea!”

   “But I was just about to tell the story about the tenants in the vineyard. That one kills every time! Besides, you’re the caterer. Why don’t YOU do something about it?”

   “I *am* doing something about it!” Then she said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”

   Now there was in the kitchen among the servants, a certain young man named Melvin. He was apprenticed to his father as a wine seller. Hearing that they had no more wine, he said unto Mary and Jesus, “I have the key to my father’s wine shop. We can go there now and purchase all that you need.”

   And straightway he went out into the night, pleased at the thought of his ingenuity and salesmanship – and of his commission on this after-hours sale. But before he was half-way there, Melvin saw that he was alone. Neither Jesus nor his mother had followed him, for they had not heard him speak about the wine.

   Upon entering the house again, he saw that the guests were all drinking joyously, their wine being dipped from six stone water jars that were typically used for ceremonial washing! Leave it to a carpenter and his pushy mother to ruin a host’s perfectly good ritual water jars by filling them with wine! And what sort of wedding party needs 200 gallons of wine, anyway?

_____
*I mean it! One of his disciples was a tax collector! Already he has no options for a social life as a Jew of good standing! Another was a Zealot – and considering he was alive and not in jail, not a very active one! Several were among the worst professional fishermen ever to sail; going entire nights without catching anything! And one fellow had nothing better to do than sit under a fig tree!
**Melvin’s nickname for John the Baptist.

Gospel of Melvin, Jesus Curses the Fig Tree

Early Monday morning, Jesus was on his way back to the city of Jerusalem, for the purpose of stirring up more trouble at the feast. He was hungry, but had no fresh, crisp melon to eat, (though Melvin had verily tried to sell him one.) Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. (I don't know what he was expecting. It was Passover. There's no figs for two more months. Stupid carpenter!)


Then he said to the tree, "May no one eat figs from you again!" And his disciples heard him say this. Immediately the tree began producing large and beautiful melons. And the boughs were bowed with the weight thereof, and the stems broke asunder so that the fruit was dashed upon the ground. The flies swarmed upon it, and the fruit became inedible. And the tree withered afterward, having borne this unnatural harvest.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed and asked, "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?"

And he opened his mouth, and began to speak this parable to them, "A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard. He went to look for fruit upon it, but alas there was none! His vines, however, faithfully produced their fruit in their season."

"Year after year this went on, until one day, he said to the tender of the vineyard, 'Cut down this tree, for it does not bear any fruit!' And the tender of the vineyard said, 'I will, sir,' but he did not, for he had no axe with him."

"The next day, the vinedresser went to cut down the fig tree, and behold, it was full of plump, ripe grapes. For, being in a vineyard all those years, it believed that it was a vine. So I say to you, Axe and ye shall receive! Seek and ye shall vine!"  

As referenced a long time ago...

The Gospel of Melvin, Talk Like A Pirate Day edition

Ahoy, Me Hearties! It be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and I be treatin' it as Translate Like A Pirate Day. Here be a new scrap o' th' Melvin Gospel fer yer Eddy Vacation.
*****

A certain one there be who came to Cap'n Jesus, an' he said, "Scullmarster, What good thing must I be doin' to secure me spot is safe ports 'til the seven seas goes dry?"


And the Cap'n, he said, "What line o' barnacles izzat? If fer quiet portsa fer all time is what ye seek, then obey the High Admiral's commands!"

"Which be they?" he was askin'.

"Have ye no' read th' list?" bellowed the Cap'n. "Don't be endin' yer fellows' voyage prematurely! No swashin' another man's buckles! No plunderin' ill-gotten booty! Speak truly! Be givin' yer mater and pater their just dues! Be treatin' all as ye treat yerself!"

"Aye, I HAVE done," said the pipsqueak, "Be there still somethin' I'm lackin'?"

And Cap'n Jesus says "Aye! T'bury treasure heaven-like, be tradin' all yer belongin's fer doubloons, and give such coin as ye get t' th' poor! Then go on the account with me. That's whatcher needin'!"

Good instructin' notwithstandin', the younglin' went adrift, th' wind bein' gone from hi'sails, fer he had much treasure buried away."

Then came Rootbeer th' Pirate, known a'fore as Redbeard th' Pirate, and holdin' a cutlass t' th' man's throat, helped him much t'wards goin' on the account with Cap'n Jesus by freein 'im of all such booty as he 'ad 'pon his person!

Still More Gospel of Melvin!

Now He was also saying to the disciples, “There was a rich man who had a manager, and this manager was reported to him as squandering his possessions. And he called him and said to him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an accounting of your management, for you can no longer be manager.’

The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do, since my master is taking the management away from me? I am not strong enough to dig; I am ashamed to beg. I know what I shall do, so that when I am removed, people will welcome me into their homes.’

And he summoned each one of his master’s debtors, and he began saying to the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’ And he said, ‘A hundred measures of oil.’ And he said to him, ‘Take your bill, and sit down quickly and write fifty.’ Then he said to another, ‘And how much do you owe?’ And he said, ‘A hundred melons.’ He said to him, ‘Take your bill, and write eighty.’

And his master praised the unrighteous manager because he had acted shrewdly; for the sons of this age are more shrewd in relation to their own kind than the sons of light. And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by means of the wealth of unrighteousness, so that when it fails, they will receive you into the eternal dwellings.

The Gospel of Melvin on Prayer

   Then he said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend--I know that's unlikely with this crowd, but just imagine it, okay?--at midnight and says, 'Friend, give me some roast, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.'

   "Will not the one inside argue with him, saying, 'Roast? You wicked, lazy neighbor! If you had asked for two small fish, I might have given it to you, but your request is ridiculous! Verily, you have stretched the meaning of the word “friend”!'

   "Suppose then, that you go to another friend, of whom you have not asked anything of late, and say, 'Friend, give me five loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.'

   "Then the one inside answers, 'Don't bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can't get up and give you anything. Besides, you still have my rake in your stable.'

   "Will you not answer him, for the hour is exceedingly late, 'How about just three loaves, and I’ll return the rake tomorrow?'

   "I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man's audacity he will get up and give him as much as he needs, up to even half of a cantaloupe, so long as he returns his rake."

   "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you–assuming you don’t ask for anything extravagant; sneak and you will be fined; knock at midnight and the inhabitants will send you away empty-handed. For everyone who asks gets receipts; he who sneaks, fined; and to him who knocks, the door will offend.

   "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? You, Sir? Really? Oh wait, I’ve met your son, Judas. He’s one of my disciples, and I couldn’t agree with you, more.  But the rest of you wouldn’t do that. Or if your son asks for an egg, will you give him a scorpion? Okay, but just you. Sir, please put your hand down. If you then, though you are evil–and some of you, whew! Oh boy!--know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give a fine wedge of honeydew to those who ask him! Again, probably not to you, sir."
*****

Likely should directly follow this section.

The Gospel of Melvin, on the question of fasting

John’s disciples came to Jesus and asked him, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"

And Jesus replied, “We fast. We very fast. Watch and I shall show you.” And he called two of his disciples to him, Simon, called Peter, and John, son of Zebedee. He saith unto them, “The two of you shall have a foot race, from here to that tomb down there. Then return and tell me who reaches it first.”

So Peter and John started for the tomb. Both were running, but John outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. This was odd, because a stone is usually placed over the entrance of a tomb. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. Finally, John, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.

“I believe I got here first,” he said.

And Jesus said, “No one patches an old garment with an old wineskin. Otherwise, when you pour in the new wine, the skin will burst and the patch will pull away, making the tear worse. Then you’ve got a ripped garment with a wine stain, and verily I say unto you, who wants that?

And John’s disciples were perplexed, and they began to say to one another, “What does this have to do with whether or not they fast?”

Jesus, knowing what was in their hearts, replied, “Do you not see, the stain may be avoided if you wash it fast!”

As promised, the Beatitudes as they appear in the Gospel of Melvin

And Jesus came to the people, and as he stood on the plain, he began to teach his disciples. Then he changed his mind, went up on a hillside and sat down. And again, he began to teach his disciples. This suited him not, so he commanded the people to stand on the hillside while he sat on the level place to teach. Straightway, he saw that this would not work.


Finally, an hour or so later, after Jesus and the people had shifted about like the waves of the sea, Jesus sat down upon a donkey which he had borrowed from a nearby melon merchant, and the people sat down wherever they liked.

“Okay, everyone,” he called out. “We’re ready to begin. In the future, when people ask about this, you are to call this teaching ‘The Sermon on the Mount.’” He said this to indicate the donkey upon which he sat. And the people laughed heartily.

And he began to teach them, disciples and all, saying:

“Blessed are the Pooh in spirit, for theirs is the kettle of honey.
“Blessed are those in the morning, for they shall receive a comforter.
“Blessed are the mink, for they shall en-ferret the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for it’s on sale this week.
“Blessed are the mirthful, for they are fun to be around.”

Then taking a little cat from among them, he set it in his arms and continued.

“Blessed are the purry in heart, for they will see cod.”

Then he asked them, “Do you have anything to eat?”

And the gave him a piece of broiled fish, which the cat did seize from Jesus’ hand.

"Blessed are the piece-takers,” Jesus said, “For they will be filled.”

The kitty began to make contented rumbling noises.

“Blessed are those whose purrs are cutest for the right of just fish steak, for theirs is the kingdom of Evan.”

And his disciples wondered at what they had just heard, but he was talking about Evan, son of James, the fishmonger.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

And his disciples began to say to him, “Hey! What, now?”

The Melvin Gospel, from chapter 3

Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John.

But John tried to deter him, saying, "Verily, first you must pass the swim test, demonstrating that you can get from one side to the other, and manage the deep end without assistance. For we have not many life guards, and there is much water here."

And Jesus came to John, walking upon the surface of the water. And he asked him, saying, "How's this?" 

But John objected further, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?"

Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness."

And the Baptizer was puzzled, and asked him, "Huh? What's that s'pposed to mean?"

"Just trust me on this one, Johnny-Boy," said Jesus, "and let the theologians worry out the rest."

Then John consented. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water, performing a stunning double back flip with a half-twist. And those who stood on the bank were astonished, and they rated it 9.7 or 9.8, and many asked him for his autograph.

At that moment heaven was opened, and something descended like a dove and lighted on him. And a voice spoke from heaven. The crowd that was there and heard it said it had thundered; others said an angel had spoken to him. Some said they heard, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Others disagreed, and thought the voice had said, "Really?! Only 9.8?! Oh, blind and unbelieving generation!" Still others said they heard, "Oh shoot! I dropped my pigeon!" But he that writes this testimony heard the voice correctly, and knows that it said, "Clean-up in aisle 6!"

Another passage of the Melvin Gospel translated and released.

And it came to pass--but it failed, anyway--that as they went, Jesus and his followers entered a certain village. (This is a good thing, because, well--have you ever been in one of those uncertain villages? You know the kind: "I'm a village! No, I'm a town! No, wait! I'm a moderately-sized city! Oh! Nope, I'm just a dusty settlement!" and then, "Poof!" they're gone entirely! Very unstable, those uncertain villages.)* And a certain woman there invited them into her home. Her name was Martha--of this, she was certain. She had a sister named Mary, who was less certain about her place, it seems. For instead of helping her sister in the kitchen, she sat at Jesus' feet, listening to what he had to say! See what I mean about being uncertain? Maybe she thought she was Martha's brother, Mary. And while we're on the subject of brothers...

 "Sir," Martha said, "I'd like you to meet by brother, Lazarus."

But Mary saith unto her, "Dear sister, he hath not yet risen, but still lies in bed."

"What?" asked Martha, very wroth. "Why, that lazy so-and-so! Mary, if you had awakened him earlier, my brother would not have overslept." 

Then she called out to him, "Lazarus! Come forth!" but he did not get up.

"Verily, he is a sound sleeper," Mary said, "like one who is dead."

Martha called for him again and again. After the third time, Lazarus appeared, the bed clothes still wrapped about him.

"I'd have been here sooner," he said, "but I was waiting for those other three guys to get up."

And they were greatly perplexed at his words. And he told them plainly, "Did you not say I was to come fourth?"

And Jesus did laugh. "Next time he won't get up, let me call for him," he said.

And so Martha served the first course: cucumber and leek soup. And this, with a reputable merchant of fresh melons parked practically outside your door, Martha? Add a little fruit to your guests' diet, why don't you? Perhaps, Mary would have been more aware of her place in that house, if you'd fed her more cantaloupe!

Martha was distracted with all of her serving, and she came unto Jesus and said to him, "Sir, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve you and your twelve starving fishermen all alone? I hate to intrude on her role as a model proto-feminist here, but--kindly tell her that, as a woman, her place is in the kitchen!"

Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried about many things. Normally, I'd say you were right. However, your sister Mary gives a great foot massage, and I'm not going to interrupt her."

Enraged and astonished, Martha returned to the kitchen. And great was the clatter of pans striking against one another and of pots breaking on the floor and walls.

And Jesus said to Mary, "That felt great. Next time, you should try it with some perfumed ointment, or something."
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*parentheses added by translators for clarity.

New Melvin fragment turns up

Six days before Passover, Jesus came to Bethany, the hometown of Lazarus--whom Jesus had raised from the dead. This is a good thing, because they had a banquet for Jesus and had Lazarus as a guest--and, let’s face it, the dead make terrible dinner companions!*

Martha served the meal. Mary was there, too, and, true to form, the lazy woman failed to help her sister out... again. Instead, she horas in** with her stone box of very expensive perfumed ointment. And she broke it, the nerd***, and spilled it all over the guest of honor! And most of it fell upon his stinky carpenter’s feet.

“Oh! I’m sorry! I’m so clumsy! Here, let me get that!” she cried. Saying this, the brazen hussy unbound her hair, and began using it to wipe up the mess! Pretty soon the whole place smelled like a Samaritan brothel--not that, uh, I would know anything about that.

But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples, said, "Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and given to poor?”

And Matthew said, "Three hundred? I could've got you five easily! What were you gonna do? Pocket the rest of the profit yourself? That's taxable income, ya' know!"

Ignoring him, Jesus replied, “Good point, Ju, though it’s a little late now. Mary, you’ve really got to be more careful with expensive things like that! After all, you'll always have the poor around, and they're always gonna need a handout.”

Then Lazarus piped up, “Incidentally, Mary, speaking as a member of the recently-deceased, why do you still have that thing around? Shouldn’t you have used that on me? I’m only your brother, you know!”

To which Jesus replied, “Maybe she was saving it for my burial. Did you consider that possibility?”

Judas snorted, “I’d lay 30 pieces of silver against the odds of that ever happening!”
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*The undead are worse, yet, with their tendency to moan all through the polite conversation and failure to eat kosher, and whatnot.
**The waltz having not yet been invented, and not really very Jewish, anyway.
***Translator’s note: Since Hebrew has no vowels, it’s possible that this should read “She broke it (the nard),” referring to the contents of the container. Then again, it IS Melvin, we’re talking about.

Brief Melvin fragment

... And again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "The kingdom of heaven is like a fruit salesman looking for fine pears to sell. And when he finds one very pear of very great price--and he probably would find it right over there."

Jesus said this, pointing to Melvin, who had never in his life sold pears at his fruit stand, but only melons, and those at very reasonable prices. In fact, Melvin thought, if he at any time had a pear to sell to that loud-mouthed prophet, he'd raise the price so high that Jesus would have to sell all that he had to buy it. This could be quite a sizeable amount from a guy who bragged about having a treasure hidden in a field somewhere! Denarius signs virtually appeared in the merchant's eyes as he thought about it.

The more traditional rendering of this text is here.

Melvin goes Old Testament?

Now Moses was keeping the flock of his father-in-law Jethro, also called Bodean. As he led the flock to the back side of the desert, south of the armpit, he came to Horeb, the mountain of God.

The angel of God appeared to Moses in a flaming fire in a bush (George, or maybe Anheuser.) And Moses took note that though the bush was burning, it did not burn up.

"Dude!" said Moses. "Whattup wit dat freaky bush?"

And God called to Moses from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!"

And Moses replied, "That's me, but you can call me Moe."

"Hey Moe!" said the Lord in a bizarre falsetto voice. Then in his normal, deity-speaking-from-flaming-shrubbery voice, he said "Take your shoes off, because this place is holy ground."

Moses complied.

"Ugh! Ack! Put 'em back on! Put 'em back on!" wheezed the voice, "And don't come any closer!"

And Moses hid his face in shame, "I know, right? Pretty gnarly."

And God said, "Moses, I am sending you to Egypt, because maybe I won't be able to smell those things from there."

And Moses said, "What? You were mumbling that last part."

"Ahem! I said, '...To bring my people out.' Perhaps a good washing in the Red Sea is just what those sneakers need!"

And Moses said, "Have you smelled my brother Aaron's feet? His are REALLY rank!"

Gospel of Melvin translation update!

I've been a slacker at the blogging, I know, but I've been quite busy at translating the Melvin manuscript.

This passage, reminiscent of Luke 7:11-15, follows on the heels of an absurd story in which Jesus causes a fig tree to bear melons, and then to wilt from the exertion--thus proving to the intended readers, some scholars suppose, that melons are superior to figs. Others who see this pericope as parabolic teaching see the fig tree as a new believer or recent convert and the melons as teaching that is too advanced for them. The message is, then, "pace yourself." Other scholars presume the parable's point is that change is good, but let's not be ridiculous.
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And after that, Jesus entered a city called Nain, having just passed through Sovin and Aight. He and his disciples were followed by a large crowd, many of whom were bearing one of the cantaloupes plucked from the fig tree. As they neared the city gate, they collided with a funeral procession coming out, and many were the people that stumbled at the impact. And great was the fall of dropped melons, and greater still was the wet splatting sound they made. For some time, many were confused, for it seemed to them that a young man had died in the chaos. Soon, however, it became clear that he was the youth who was being borne to his tomb--for his widowed mother had said, "He is my dead son."

When Jesus saw her, he was moved with compassion for her, and he said, "Don't cry."

"I'm not crying," she said. "That's melon juice! It wouldn't be so bad if your disciples wouldn't keep dropping them!" For the disciples, attempting to pick up the broken fragments that remained to see if they would fill twelve baskets, had found them very slippery. And Matthew, who was a tax collector, began out loud to account for all the pieces. "Seventy melons, dropped an average of seven times each... seventy times seven..."

"That reminds me, Lord," said Peter. "About that whole forgiving my brother thing: Are you sure you're not being a bit over-the-top about that number?"

And the Lord replied, "Pete, I swear, if you keep asking me about that, you'll spend your final days feeding sheep!"

By this time, the body of the young man had been restored to its place, and Jesus approached and touched the bier. And he said, "Yup. He's dead alright."

In the indignant silence that followed, Matthew could be heard counting, "486, 487, 488..."

Jesus, knowing what was in the crowd's hearts said to them, "I always make sure someone is really dead before I resurrect them. Ever since that one time that John was sleeping so soundly we thought he had passed from this life and I tried to raise him, I've been extra careful." (From this, a rumor began among some that John would never die, but Jesus did not say that.)
"...And then there was that time that I was called to the bed of a girl who really WAS dead, and I told everybody not to worry, because she was just sleeping. That did NOT go over well!"

Then Jesus turned his attention to the deceased. "Okay kid," he said, "time to get up, now." And the dead boy sat up, and began to speak, saying, "Man, am I starving! Hey Ma, have we got any cantaloupe?"

Melvin tackles the Temptations in the Wilderness: Redaction

In an unprecedented textual/critical event, translators of the so-called Melvin Gospel have unearthed a redaction* of the previous Melvinic narrative**.

What makes this edit especially poignant is that it appears on the immediately following page in the codex***! Scholars are calling this redactor AB, after the blogger whose posts have publicized the codex's contents.

Here is the complete authorized translation of the redacted text:

Melvin had always hated Motown, so when he was finally able to convince the Temptations to give a concert in the Judean desert, it was a great victory in his ongoing battle plan for the music's eradication.
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*A rewrite or edit of a given text.
**The story of Christ's temptations in the desert.
***A book with the pages all stitched at one end and bound, often with a cover, much like our modern books--as opposed to a scroll.