Further Contemplations of the Sundry Motivations for Intentional Proximity of Bananas and Humanoid Otic Orifices

12 more answers, arranged topically for your inconvenience.

“Why do you have a banana in your ear?” I asked (yet a fourth time.)

Semantical:
- Don’t think of it as “in my ear.” Think of it as “brain adjacent.”

Fashion & Ontology:
- Earbuds are SO last season! Buds become blooms. Blooms fall off, and are replaced by fruit... Voila! The earbanana!

Nostalgic Science Fictional:
- “I’m receiving a transmission, Captain!”

Medical / Psychological / Sadistic:
- It’s a new cure for earworms! You know, it really IS a small world after all!”

Dietetic:
- “Bananas are good for you!”

Biblical:
- “Well, as Jesus said, ‘By their fruit you shall know them.’ ”

Proverbial / Buzzfeed:
- “ ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away!’ You’ll never guess what a banana a day prevents!”

Experimental:
- (look at watch) “19 minutes and 34 seconds! A new record!”

Adolescent / Historically-Unexpected:
- “Oh sure! Jill gets her eyebrow pierced; everyone thinks it’s cool!  Dan gets a tattoo; no one says a word! But *I* get a banana in my ear, and suddenly, it’s the Spanish Inquisition!”
                                   
Experiential:
- “You know how you can a hold a seashell up to your ear, and hear the roar of the ocean? When you put a banana in your ear, you can hear the sound of the jungle!”
(At night when the lion is prowling, that is.)

Traditional / Spiritual
- “I do this in accordance with the practice of my ancestors. My father’s father’s father, four generations back, stuck a banana in his ear – and so we have done in every generation since. HIS father before him used a zucchini – he had never seen a banana.”

Self-Promotional:
- “I’m starting a new fashion trend.”
(All the really cool gibbons are already doing it!)

More Bananas. More Ears. More Answers.

And why do YOU have a banana in your ear?


- "Oh, I think we BOTH know the answer to THAT, don't we?"
Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more! (I have no idea what this answer is really supposed to imply.)

- "Scientific method: I've worked out the questions of Where I may stick it in my ear, and How. I'm still working on the Why question, though.
Because "Why?" is not the only question that may be asked.

- "Duh! Because I'm a banana tree!"
Isn't it obvious?

- "Well, I tried sticking it in OTHER people's ears, but they didn't like it much."
You see, I really had no choice!

- "Because it's Tuesday (or whatever day it happens to be.)"
Alternatively, you can say "Tuesday" no matter what day it is. When the inquirer explains that it is, in fact, Friday, you can reply, "Oh dear! Well, THAT'S embarrassing! I don't suppose you happen to have a bicycle tire pump on you? No? Well, I guess I'll just have to pay the fine, then."

- "All out of Q-tips."
It's an environmentally-conscious choice.

- "I don't have a banana in my ear. This is someone else's ear. Van Gogh's, I think."
You're not just nuts. You're also cultured.

- "Well, it's not quite ripe."
And I was all out of brown paper sacks.

- "What a weird thing to ask a person! I'd think the more natural thing to ask me about is why I have a banana in my ear!"
I guess this actually a variation on, "No, it's not a bandana. It's a banana."

- "I am not prepared to address that question at this time."
Useful, should you be putting a banana in your ear during a televised press conference.

- "I don't. This is a plantain."
Because no one needs an excuse to put a plantain in their ear, obviously.

- "I dunno. I guess I forgot to ask, 'What would Jesus do?' "
I admit it was a bad decision, and it could've been prevented, but I'm stuck with the consequences, now.

Other answers to "Why do you have a banana in your ear?"

Because when life gets surreal, sometimes ya just gotta respond in like kind, and stick a banana in your ear! Consider the classic example of our hero, Ernie:

And when Bert asks him why he has a banana in his ear, he responds, "What'd you say, Bert? I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear." Brilliant. I have some other options, though.

- "Because I can!"
This response indicates that you're not an insane person. Instead, you're the kind of fun person who has life by the horns, and is likely to do anything.

- "No, it's not a bandana! Haha! It's a banana! A beer? Why, certainly! Are you buying? No, my name isn't Anna. Oh! Banana! Yes, I suppose it DOES make me look like a deer. Etc."
Playing hard-of-hearing frustrates people, which can be fun, but eventually, you'll need to resort to another answer. OR end with a variation on the Ernie: "It's supposed to improve hearing."

- "Because they were out of nectarines, obviously."
Sarcasm, combined with an offended sense of superiority in the voice. It gets a chuckle and fails entirely to answer the question, thus giving you an opportunity to try out another answer. I like to follow it with,

- "You mean, you don't know? Snort! He/she really doesn't know!"

- "I have decided that the whole world has gone bananas, and this one is translating for me."
Stated with straight face and a little morosely, you may be viewed as a philosophical and poetic soul, prone to performance art installations--which may be exactly the vibe you want to project to the Goth/Emo crowd.

Of course, there's the hippie/stoner variation on this:

- "Listening to the voice of the Cosmos... Cuz everything's like, totally interconnected and stuff... The world would be a much more mellow place if they'd just legalize banana, Man."

- "I'm trying to get more potassium in my diet, but I don't want any of the side effects of 'potassium rush,' so I'm absorbing it by osmosis. No, I'm serious! This is the latest thing! Just Google 'potassium osmosis'!"
The fun of this is knowing that they might actually go look it up.

- (horrified) "Banana?! This isn't my cell phone?! Oh no! Somewhere, there's a child eating my phone! Gasp! Or a monkey!"
Clarifying that you are, indeed, mad.

- "I'm trying to dislodge the cashew." 
Utterly mad.

- "There's a very tiny monkey inside my brain, and I'm trying to lure him out with his favorite food."
Absolutely barking mad.

- "Why don't YOU? What are you afraid of?"
Because all the really cool kids are sticking bananas in their ears!

NOT What It Appears To Be!

More confusing religious kitsch found at my local "Christian Store." Resurrection Sunday edition.

Okay: Bunny. Giant egg decorated in pastel colors. All these point to Easter, right? But, Oh-hoho! "He is Risen" appears on the egg! It appears to be a mixing of the more mainstream pagan iconography of Easter and the message of Jesus' resurrection. "Hooray! Bunnies & eggs & marshmallow chicks in radioactive colors! BUT ALSO: Hooray! Jesus rose from the grave!" (And if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter.)

However, the following vintage Easter graphic altered my whole perspective on this kitschy tchotchke.

Imagine opening your Easter basket, only to find this foul beastie awaiting you, huge red eyes agleam with demonic lupine evil! Don't believe me? Click on it to see it at full-size! He's plainly waiting to go for your throat, and likely nibble on your brains!

WHO has risen? Why, it's the Undead Zombie Bunny of Caerbannog! Better hope one of your eggs is a Holy Hand Grenade! Otherwise, death awaits you all with big, nasty, sharp, pointy teeth!

Wednesday's Child is Full of Nostalgia... and Kitty Kibble

Because I was reading through some of my old posts the other day, I got to reread an old 5-parter story that made me giggle like the mad brain that I am. I'm hoping you (re)enjoy it, too.

Click on this title, "The Arsonist Who Loved Catnip," scroll to the bottom-most post, and work your way up to the top.

And Now, The Big Reveal!

I have a secret.

When people ask what I do for fun, or what my hobbies are, they are likely to hear the response, "Well, honestly, I'm a pretty boring individual. I read a lot." However, I have been known to reply, "Well, I drink heavily," "I stand on my head in a bucket of paint -- It's sort of performance art," "I answer personal questions," and, "I'm a brain in a jar! How many hobby options are available to me, do you think?"

Last night, I told the inquiring party, "You know, you almost never hear 'housework' as a response to the question."

"So you like to do housework?"

"No. I just said it was a rarely-heard response to that question." (And I wonder why I don't get on socially.)

I actually DO have another hobby. A secret one. But since we are unlikely to meet, I figure I can share this.

My hobby is wrestling -- or, more accurately -- "wrasslin' ": Professional wrestling, not Olympic. I love the theatricality of it. The borderline cheesiness of cartoonish masculinity combined with the serious physicality touches me deeply. More specifically, I love luchadores. (Yes, that WAS a 1950s sitcom! Thanks for noticing! Little-known fact: Desi Arnaz worked as a luchador on nights his band didn't have gigs.) The trademark colorful masks and high-flying acrobatics make me inexplicably happy.

But lots of guys watch sports for fun. There's even a huge fanbase for Lucha Libre. That's not much of a secret. However, the hobby part goes a bit deeper.

I. Am. A. Luchador.

I'm a very pale Anglo-Saxon guy who moonlights as a Mexican wrestler. In a culture that greatly values Latino heritage, however, I found the loophole. I discovered a way to overcome the ethnicity issue.

I wrestle in a chicken suit.

I fight under the name of Marco Pollo.

Sure, much of my time in the ring is spent as comic relief in warm-up matches. After all, you'd figure a wrestler named Marco Pollo wouldn't fight. Y'know, because he's a chicken. Instead, Marco runs away, flapping and clucking loudly. He leaps from turnbuckles, somersaulting over his foe. Occasionally, he dead-faints, only to get up and flee the ring before the count is up. Imagine a team mascot vs a big, scary guy in spandex, and you get the picture pretty well.

When you think about it, though, a wrestling chicken makes perfect sense. Ever hear of cockfights? So, sometimes Marco fights back -- and wins. Always against "bad guy" wrestlers.  He pumps his chicken-wing fists in the air like a winning prizefighter. He throws his head back and utters his mighty chicken battle cry, "Bawk! B'gawk-B'gawk-B'gaaaaawk!" He races around the ring, springing from the ropes at his opponent, flailing and flapping wildly. And the crowd goes nuts. "Marco! Marco! Marco!"  The kids love it, especially. I mean, how often in this life do you get to see a hulking, muscular man get beat up by a chicken?

Not. Often. Enough.

So there it is. The chicken is out of the bag, as it were.

Next time someone asks me what I do for fun, I'll tell them.

"I like to cook."

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The preceding article has been fact-checked by Snopes.com & other independent fact-checking sources.

It has received a rating of 97% unreliable and fictitious.

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Sometimes, an idea just won't let you sleep

Hard-Boiled Noah(r)

Or, "Film Noah(r)", though there's no cinema involved -- as such.

I finished proofreading an issue of Dime Detective Magazine for RadioArchives.com, and was feeling slightly more passionate about the whole hard-boiled detective genre than I typically am. For some reason -- maybe it was the sleep deficit, maybe it was the recording of Harlem Nocturne playing on constant loop -- I got it into my head to depict Noah (yeah, the guy from the Bible) as a noirish private eye.

Here's the thing, it's also Father's Day this coming weekend. The bulk of my congregation have no kids at home, any more. Noah seems like a good fit for that crowd -- the flawed father of adult kids, still being spiritual leader, still striving to do what's right in a mix of real difficulty and soul-crushing boredom. The more I think about it, the more it helps explain the vineyard incident later on.

Maybe this might work! I said to myself.

Here's a taste, for those of you who are curious -- and, considering that you're reading my blog, you probably are:

*****

It’s hard to say what was getting me down the most. Maybe it was the fact that it was raining – still. It had been coming down steadily for fifteen out of fifteen days and nights with no end in sight, and a fellow gets to wondering if maybe it’s his own tears falling out there.


Then again, maybe it was all the noise. This city – the greatest city in the world – is a jungle; a zoo that never sleeps. And sleep is the one thing a man wants to do most on a day like this, but there’s never a moment’s peace, because half the beasts in this forest want to devour the other half, and neither side will shut up about it. They all seem to want to make it my problem.

On the other hand, what’s really getting to me is the lack of paying jobs. Oh, there’s plenty of work, if you don’t mind cases of runaway kids and missing nest eggs. It seems like that’s all I get any more, in my tiny office in the top floor of the Ark Building. That, and the endless honey-do lists from my wife. The name’s Noah. I’m married, with three grown sons with wives and honey-do lists of their own now. So maybe it’s just as well that I’m not chasing after jewel thieves and blackmailers any more. That’s a young man’s game – and young I ain’t.

Of course, none of those compares to the Big Job. On a slow day at the office, The Almighty Himself – The Creator, The Big Cheese of the Universe – came to me with a job. “I want YOU to save the world,” he said. It don’t GET any bigger than that!

A New Slogan for Fulfilling the Great Commission?

Bad Easter Jokes Emitted By Allen's Brain

Who's Jewish and hides colored egg?

The Easter Rabbi!



Why couldn't the easter bunny sleep?

He was too egg-cited!



What's Jesus' favorite Easter song from "Annie"?

"The Son'll come out, tomb-orrow!"



What do you call angry rabbits?

Hot, Cross Bunnies!



What stretches and shrinks and stretches and shrinks on Easter?

The Easter Bungee!



What's the easter bunny's real name?

Mr Hide!



How does a rabbit see things a long way off?

Bunnoculars!



What did the boy bunny say when he bumped into the girl bunny?

Doe!

More Confusing Religious Stuff

"New Songs For Worshiping Churches"

From the front of a song book, probably early- to mid-1980's.
I guess I'm glad that there are books for worshiping churches. I prefer songs for worshiping God, but I'm probably just out of touch with popular Christian thinking.

"When thou dost collect the eggs hidden upon the lawn, left by my servant the Easter Rabbit, then thou shalt recall to mind that my beloved Son conquered death and the grave upon this day. And surely, thou shalt rejoice with great rejoicing, and nibble upon the chocolate bunny ears."

How to stay asleep?

This graphic is from a banner ad alongside my email a week or two ago.

Now, admittedly, I did not click the "Learn more" link, so the following is all conjecture, based on this ad.

Is this one of "sex sells" things? Is the woman pictured speaking to me, saying, "If only you could fall asleep and stay asleep, we could meet and have cocktails--in your dreams"?

More likely, she's exemplifying the big secret to falling asleep!
Apparently, If I'm having trouble staying asleep, I need to wear red. Maybe that's it! The subtle psychology of primary colors on the brain! It WOULD explain why stop signs make me drowsy, when I see them at 3 in the morning.

Or maybe it's the dress. Will baring one shoulder help you stay asleep? YES! Becasue it's easier to ht the snooze button that way! So glad I worked out the secret.

Perhaps this woman is representative of someone who is NOT using the secret! Maybe she "struggle[s] to fall asleep."
"Aaugh! I can't stay asleep!" she is saying.

Here's a hint, Sweetheart: put on something more comfortable (and remove the high heeled shoes you're likely wearing with the dress) and LIE DOWN!

Maybe the ad contains subliminal messages to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. After all, I'm so sleepy now, I almost missed the fact that they misspelled "weird."

A toy for a Christian cat?

No longer does your Christian cat have to hide his faith!

Never again will she have to project her beliefs in uncool ways that embarrass her in front of her heathen feline peers!

Behold! The ichthus cat toy! He may not have nine lives, but now it will be evident to all that his eternity is secure, just like his owner's! Hallelujah!



My kitty is more spiritual than your kitty!



Why they don't let me teach Jr High Social Studies

Chapter 15 Study Guide

Key terms, people, events, places:

1. Serfs: Rides the ocean waves on a long board.

2. Humanism: Belief in the existence of humans -- "A human is, um..."

3. Imperialism: Going to Burger King in ancient Rome.

4. Czar: The wrong way to spell "car."

5. Communism: People can catch your disease.

6. Athens: Where people who hate chickens direct their anger.

7. Feudalism: Belief in fighting and arguing.

8. Industrial Revolution: Spinning dusty businesses.

9. Textiles: An ancient style of instant-messaging using squares of stone or ceramic.

10. Alliance: 100% of iance.

11. Westernization: Creating a world filled with cowboys.

12. Vladimir Lenin: Lead singer for the Russian Beatles.

13. Dictator: A bossy spud.

14. Cold War: Battle for control of the thermostat in December.

15. Destructive Nationalism: Burning someone else's flag.

Answer the following:

16. How was Alexander the Great able to spread Greek culture throughout the world?

      Facebook, of course.

17. What ancient civilization did we inherit the idea of an organized system of written down laws from?

      Grammar Nazis?

18. During the Renaissance, how did the formation of the middle class cause monarchs not to need the help of feudal lords?

      People used to fight during lunch hour, so they needed feudal lords to make rulings on who the winners were. Then, they developed a middle class. It took place between morning and afternoon classes. It kept people too busy for feuds.

19. How did science change during the Age of Revolution?

      Spelling. It used to be spelled "syints."

20. How did Peter the Great and Catherine the Great westernize Russia?

      They imported more John Wayne movies.

21. What was the Russian Congress called, and which czar was forced to instate it?

      "Congressnik."  Czar Boris the Badenov had to create it, to "stop moose and squirrel."

22. What form of government did Vladimir Lenin bring to Russia?

      Popsiclism: rule by frozen treats.
*****

See Why they don't let me judge the Science Fair.

Tempted to buy for a Church Christmas display

You have probably seen this Playmobil brand nativity set toy somewhere. I saw this one at Barnes & Noble the other day.

Why the "Allen's Brain in a Santa hat logo? Because I saw something being sold on the same table with this Nativity. It was also by Playmobil, and it was actually intended for a different Christmas "market" set, but--

Well, anyway, the big (?) reveal...

Yup, Sanity Claus, a snowman, and some toys! So want to buy 'em both, and set the supplementary Seasonal figures up in the stable. Give Jesus a teddy bear. Or replace him with the teddy bear, to see if anyone notices. Kringle's already on the box label, anyway (lower left corner.) Maybe I could make them Magi, bearing gifts of plush, soccer, and dolly! I could add my crash test dummy action figure as the third, if we MUST have 3.

Now I just need a teeny menorah!



So Joseph also went with Mary to be taxed...

Sobering thought?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles first appeared in a comic book in 1987. If they were 15 or 16 then, they'd be in their mid-40s today! Which would make them...

Mid-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Imagine, the Heroes in a Half-Shell battling cholesterol, high blood pressure and middle-age spread!

Cowabunga, ya' young Whippersnapper!

Hey you kids! Get off my terrarium!

Today, they'd probably take up arms against those who wanted to take away their Medicare and retirement benefits.

And maybe, just maybe, combat violence on television.

It doesn't exist, but it should!

My Camo Bible Nightmare

He was so proud of his new camouflage cover Bible!

Immediately, he went out to the forest.

He sat down at the base of a tree and began to read.

The Bible's rugged, outdoorsy print seemed to make the beautiful and relevant words even more beautiful and relevant!

Finally, he began to get a glimpse of what the Psalmist saw of God's presence in nature.

He set his Bible down, and closed his eyes in prayer.

He finished his prayer, opened his eyes, and could not find his Bible!

Will YOU risk it?

And yesterday...

I was brain-dead yesterday.
'Hope to have a more productive day today.