A New Slogan for Fulfilling the Great Commission?

Yum! Yum!

"DELICIOUS NEW EASTER CHEF CUPCAKE SALAD."

Sounds tasty!

Apparently, some poor fools read this sign as:

"DELICIOUS EASTER CUPCAKE. NEW CHEF SALAD."

How to stay asleep?

This graphic is from a banner ad alongside my email a week or two ago.

Now, admittedly, I did not click the "Learn more" link, so the following is all conjecture, based on this ad.

Is this one of "sex sells" things? Is the woman pictured speaking to me, saying, "If only you could fall asleep and stay asleep, we could meet and have cocktails--in your dreams"?

More likely, she's exemplifying the big secret to falling asleep!
Apparently, If I'm having trouble staying asleep, I need to wear red. Maybe that's it! The subtle psychology of primary colors on the brain! It WOULD explain why stop signs make me drowsy, when I see them at 3 in the morning.

Or maybe it's the dress. Will baring one shoulder help you stay asleep? YES! Becasue it's easier to ht the snooze button that way! So glad I worked out the secret.

Perhaps this woman is representative of someone who is NOT using the secret! Maybe she "struggle[s] to fall asleep."
"Aaugh! I can't stay asleep!" she is saying.

Here's a hint, Sweetheart: put on something more comfortable (and remove the high heeled shoes you're likely wearing with the dress) and LIE DOWN!

Maybe the ad contains subliminal messages to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. After all, I'm so sleepy now, I almost missed the fact that they misspelled "weird."

Introducing the edifi!

I wish I were making this up! I really do. However, this ad was in my email this morning from Family Christian Stores, the largest chain of Christian bookstores. Apparently, the nook and kindle just weren't religious enough.

Sandusky & Associates, Purim 2012

Have you been the recent victim of shame? Embarrassment? Humiliation?

Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.

Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****

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Political Ad #2, Purim 2012

Some people just don’t get it!

Persia is a great nation. We have a king, laws, and customs. It’s what makes us the great nation that we are!

But the Jews don’t seem to understand that! They’re scattered throughout our great united provinces, trying to blend in, yet still be separate! They want us to think they’re Persians, but they have their OWN customs and laws. They’re willing to benefit from our nation’s prosperity, but they won’t obey the king’s decrees.

Hello, I’m Haman, and I approved this message. If Jews like Mordecai won’t obey Xerxes’ decree to bow down to me, what OTHER laws might they disregard? This 13th of Adar, show the Jews that you mean business–by killing them all and taking their stuff!

This ad paid for by Haman and the Committee to Annihilate the Jews.
*****

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Kit-Kat Commercial Parody, Purim 2012

Haman sings to the tune of “Gimme a Break (Kit-Kat Bar)”

Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!

I am Haman!
I am Haman!
I have been promoted over
Eve-ry-one!

So...
Everyone bow!
Everyone bow!
(‘Cause) I have been promoted in the
King-dom now!

Haman: Oh, Mordecai.
Mordecai: What is it, Haman?
Haman: Did you hear about my promotion?
Mordecai: Of course.
Haman: Well?
Mordecai: What do you want? A Kit-Kat Bar?
Haman: No! You’re supposed to bow in my presence!
Mordecai: Forget it, Haman.

Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.

Haman: Gesundheit!
Mordecai: No. I’m “a Jew.” I’m Jewish.
Haman: Oh, okay.

Mordecai sings:
I am a Jew.
(I) won’t bow to you.
(I’ll) bow to God and to the king (but)
Not to you!

Gimme a break,
You big ol’ fake!
Thinking I will bow is a
Big mi-stake!
*****

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TV Ad for Eroyalty.com, Purim 2012

Are you young? Beautiful? Vivacious? Single?

Are you tired of other dating services where the guys just aren't what they appear to be in their online profiles? Are you ready to finally find the man of your dreams--the one who really IS rich, really IS powerful, who really DOES have a big, beautiful house with lots of servants?

Then you're ready for Eroyalty.com! Other dating sites promise you'll meet a handsome prince, but only offer frogs. With Eroyalty.com, we promise that a real, live, single king will view your profile! And your face. And... every other angle. But that's okay, because you're young and beautiful, right?

AND if you sign up right now, we'll throw in a VERY special bonus: A year-long membership at the empire-famous Hegai's Harem Spa, where you'll receive the best pampering and beauty treatments the king's money can afford!

Stop meeting frogs! Have your very own fairy tale romance RIGHT NOW, with a man who will treat YOU like a queen! Eroyalty.com!

(Some restrictions apply. Must reply in person and win a beauty contest to qualify. Offer not valid outside the empire. See Harem personnel for details.)

NEXT

Seems unnecessary

This is a bottle of aspirin I saw recently. Through the clear plastic of the container, you can plainly see the contents, yet the makers of the label felt that they needed to show you how big one of their individual aspirins was, labelling the photo "Actual Size."

Am I the only one...

...who watches the new Arby's commercial with the jumping, dancing turtles, and thinks of this pulp magazine cover by Will Hulsey?

May, 1957, slightly edited to remove other salacious article titles.

Yup. Probably so.

Kosher Karate?

Ah! What a relief!

I figured the chosen people might just be limited to Jew-do.

Do you get different colors of talliths for each level you attain? "Watch yourself, Goyim! I'm a third degree green tzitziat!"

Tip of the yarmulke to The Mostly Forbidden Zone.

The cure is near?

Everyone now knows about the H1N1 virus, an illness so impossible that the original name indicates pigs flying ("swine flew," right?) Speaking of original names, I keep pronouncing the 1's as if they are I's, so that it comes out sounding like the "hiney" virus.

We are fortunate to live in these United States and have immunizations available against the nasty stuff! However, I wonder about the intelligence of some of the pharmacies advertising that you can get shots for H1N1 at their store locations. Here are a couple of the more poorly-worded ads.

H1N1 IS HERE

Thanks. We hadn't heard.

WE HAVE H1N1

Um, I'm sorry to hear that. Be sure to get plenty of bed rest and liquids.

And my favorite:

WE HAVE H1N1 INJECTIONS HERE

As a mad scientist brain-in-a-jar, this fills me with glee! They've bottled the virus, and packaged it in easy-to-use syringes, so I can give it to whomever I wish! I'll take 25, please. I have some very deserving folks in mind.

The true meaning of Christmas?

I think that's what they said, anyway.

I'm afraid this'll find its way into my sermon this Sunday.

In stores now!

It's a plush pal!

It's a Christmas gift!

It's a teachable moment!

It's Venite AdoreMoose!

Available wherever gifts are sold to the adoring faithful!*

-----

*Not a real product. Sorry.

I want this!

You've all likely seen this.

If you've got a slow connection, it's the Verizon commercial where they test out if the phone service works for a family camp-out in the woods.

I just want to know where you can get a crate of mosquitoes like in the commercial! I could have endless fun with such an item--and so could my horde of hungry bats!

Thus answering the question . . .

What beer would Jesus drink?

Bold enough for a Messiah, yet drinkable by the rest of us?

From the Shmaltz Brewing Company!

The Truth Behind TV Ads

Ironic, isn't it, in such a self-esteem, accept-everybody culture as our own? Yet, when it comes to advertising: You're not skinny enough, you're not good-looking enough, you're not happy enough! You need this product!

Of course, there is a certain measure of truth to this idea in a spiritual sense. When it comes to our eternity, we are not good enough to enter into a right relationship with our Creator.

"That's why we need Jesus. That's right, Jesus, the Son of God with the name that sound like swearing! If you've tried other saviors, you may have already found out the truth. There is no other name in heaven or earth by which we must be saved! Jesus! Try him today!"

Please forgive me. That was pretty nauseating.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled reality.

Bizarre side effects!

Television commercials have brought more information about prescription meds into our homes than is probably healthy. But occasionally, these commercials bring a glimmer of joy to this brain in a jar.

Nearly every medication has some side effect, and doctors and medical companies are compelled to share those with potential users. However, some of these side effects are so outlandish as to teeter on disbelief.

Take for instance, two of my favorites: Veramyst and Mirapex.

Veramyst is a nasal allergy spray. When they get to the side effects, the voice over announces things like nasal soreness or bleeding--things you'd expect. But then, the disembodied voice continues in an assuring tone to mention that side effects may include cataracts and glaucoma! Yikes!

Mirapex is more fun, yet. Mirapex is a drug to treat that hot new disorder, restless leg syndrome. (Yes, I know it's a real problem, and I'm sorry if you suffer from it.) What kills me about the commercial, though, is that kindly, understanding Announcer Guy purrs that use of the medication "May cause you to fall asleep without warning, even while doing normal daily activities such as driving." That's a lot more blatant than "Do not use while operating heavy machinery"! This is not the end, though. A.G. also suggests seeing your doctor if you experience... increased gambling urges! "Yup, I can finally sleep at night, but I can't stay away from the roulette wheel."

Possible side effects of reading It Came From Allen's Brain! may include. . .

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Yesterday. Sunday morning service. Approximately 10:32 AM.

The minister stands at the pulpit, and has just begun to read the text, when the phone in the church basement begins to ring. There is no one in the basement to answer the phone at that moment, and there is neither answering machine nor voicemail service. The phone continues to ring.

The minister attempts to continue with the Scripture reading, but the phone keeps ringing.

Finally, concerned that it may be someone phoning about an emergency situation, a church member rises to descend into the basement to answer the persistent annoyance.

He returns, moments later, with a smile on his face and announces, "Dish Network."

Some weeks, the minister wonders if it wouldn't be better to just have a benediction and send the people home, after something like that.

More Spurious Holyday Song Histories

Two of the popular Christmas songs that are especially found issuing from the mouths of children actually started as competitive advertising campaign jingles.

Sometime during the late 1800s, in the Central American village of San Migueles, scientists uncovered a folk recipe for an especially powerful cleaning solution. Long held a secret, its main chemical component was an extract of the poinsettia plant. Perhaps the flower's association with the holydays is what caused the resulting ad jingle to become a Christmas carol.


One unscrupulous scientist returned to his home in Scotland, and began creating his own cleaning solvent industry based on the San Migueles recipe. For some reason, his solution game out very thick, and so he called his gelatinous mixture "Jelly of St McGillis."


Young boys were hired to stand on the street corners and hawk the stuff. And so arose the song:


The Jelly of St McGillis.
Clean your house it may.
Wash the spots from your mink stole,
Makes stains go away!


Christmas Eve is coming soon.
Listen, My Good Man!
Buy a jar of St McGill's:
Best stuff in the land!


Take the rust spots off your skates,
Blight spots from off your holly*
The Jelly's even safe enough
To wash your muddy collie!


It's got a thousand uses
In your home and in your shop!
Buy a jar for each of them--
At just 12 pence a pop!


These claims, naturally, stirred up envy among other cleaner producers. One such company was Professor Pinksure's Tincture ("Is it pink?" "Sure!" "Then it's Tincture!") Hitting upon the idea for a smear campaign of "St Mick's" Jelly, he composed this tune to be sung by his salesboys:


Up at your household, what's the cause,
Of ruinin' all of your nice wood floors?
What takes the paint off your children's toys?
's'just the beginnin' of your Jelly joys!


Oh! Oh! Oh! The stains do go.
It ruins all your stuff also!
At 12 pence a pint, it's an evil trick!
Don't buy the Jelly of ol' St Mick!


Later on, these songs evolved into the well-loved "Jolly Old St Nicholas" and "Up on the Housetop." No one thinks of detergent when they sing them now.


*This, of course, refers to the great holly blight of 1902, which speckled holly leaves and berries, making them unseemly for Christmas household decoration.
*****

--excerpted from Do you Hear What I Hear? The Stories
Behind Our Beloved Christmas Carols, by Allen S. Brain

More spurious song histories here.