Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Alternative Ash Wednesday Special

Today, Christians around the world will attend a church service in which they will undergo the imposition of ashes (having ashes smeared upon the forehead as a symbol of mourning, in keeping with the day.) While the typical components used are olive oil and the ashes of palm branches, often last Palm Sunday’s fronds, I want to offer my services to make Ash Wednesday “house calls” for those who desire alternatives to the standard rituals. Here are some of the following alternative ash recipes I can come and impose upon you for your own humility.

-Charcoal and Quaker State 1030: Rich and dark. Popular with NASCAR fans.

-Cigar stub and cooking oil drained from a platter of fish and chips: I call it the C.S. Lewis special.

-Burnt Napkins and Crisco: Especially appropriate if you plan to fast from greasy, fattening foods for Lent. Very popular in the South.

-Burnt toast crumbs & melted margarine: Perfect for those planning on attending a very late service and then going out to breakfast.

-Ashes of fallen leaves and tree branches collected after recent winter storms mixed with WD-40: Potent outdoorsy, masculine scent. Just right for guys who think church isn't macho enough. I'm still waiting on Promise Keepers to adopt this one.

Naturally, I cannot let Ash Wednesday pass by without telling my favorite joke about it. The reverend was giving his Ash Wednesday homily. He told them, “The season of Lent, and Ash Wednesday in particular, is a reminder that we are but dust.” The somber mood was broken when a little girl asked, a bit too loudly, “Daddy, what’s butt dust?”

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Diesel said...

I love the smell of WD-40 in the morning. Smells like...penitence!

The Drive-by Blogger said...

I can see people going for the C.S. Lewis special...providing that the cigar stub isn't still lit.

Allen said...

You never let me have any fun!

I went to an Ash Wed service last night. For some reason, my ash marking took on the form of three sixes. Go figure.

Gregory said...

I'd like to order the C.S. Lewis special.

Really, though, wouldn't ash from a tobacco pipe be more appropriate? I can supply you with some, if need be.