Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tomb of Elijah Uncovered!

Recent excavations in Tel Aviv have uncovered what many believe to be the tomb of Elijah, the Biblical prophet. Construction workers claim that they were digging out a space for septic tanks for new restroom facilities at Ben Gurion International Airport.

"Suddenly, we struck empty space, and knew we had hit a cave," says one worker, who wished to remain anonymous. Upon further investigation, they discovered a tomb containing several ossuaries. Most notable is one inscribed with "Eliyahu ha Tishbi": Elijah the Tishbite! Other boxes bore the name "Mariamne the Beloved" and "Yaacovi the Small," or "Little Jake."

DNA tests demonstrated that Little Jake was linked to Mariamne maternally, which we assume means that Jake was Mariamne's mother, despite being male. No maternal DNA links were found between Mariamne and Elijah, and so we assume that they must have been husband and wife, or at least romantically involved.

Several scholars have postulated that Mariamne and Jaacovi are the widow of Zarephath and her son, whose size indicates a weak and sickly existence.

"The fact that you see Elijah staying at this widow's home and you never hear of a Mrs 'the Tishbite' is proof enough for me that they were romantically linked," says well-known Bible scholar Elaine Paigels. "The blackened edges on the ossuary and heavy charring of the bone fragments are proof that the chariots and horses of fire may have picked up Elijah in a whirlwind, but they apparently crashed, and he was buried on the site. The widow & her son were placed there later, after their deaths, because everyone knew about the scandalous affair. And even though the later editors of the canon decided not to sully Elijah's name by mentioning it, what fragments they have left in plainly point to the fact of the relationship."

Discovery Channel plans to air a James Cameron-directed special next month about this amazing new find.

In related news, Oded Golan claims to have discovered an ossuary in his collection inscribed for Moshe ben Amram, and another for humor-blogs.com. Stay tuned for future updates on these exciting stories!


Provident 360 said...

Wow, how lucky can that Cameron guy get.

o ceallaigh said...


We have just learned that the Elijah ossuary contains a small, oblong object of a type previously unknown to students of First Temple archaeology.

Examination of the artifact astounded the research team, not only for its totally unanticipated level of sophistication, but for its contents - an actual transcription of the conversation between Elijah and Yahweh. We now, for the first time, have direct evidence for what the "still, small voice" said.

Can you hear me now?

Diesel said...

In other news, the tomb of Elisha was also discovered. His tomb was marked by a small headstone inscribed with his last words: "No, E-li-SHA! Man, I knew I should have asked for patience."

The Drive-by Blogger said...

Hey Allen, you beat me to the punch on this topic...although yours seems a tad more erudite than mine...come to think of it so do the comments by o ceallaigh and diesel.

Gregory said...

I'm waiting for "Indiana Jones and the Lost Ossuaries".

Allen said...

"Indiana Jones and the Lostuaries!"

Yeah. They did that a few years ago. They called it "The Mummy" remake.

Great comments, folks!