Piece of Original Ten Commandments Found?

Sinai.  Archaeologists have uncovered a fragment of a stone tablet near the base of Mt Sinai. The tablet is of indeterminate age, but the Paleohebrew letters inscribed upon one side date it almost certainly to the time of Moses.

While complete analysis is pending, several scholars are already describing the fragment as a piece of the original Ten Commandments! While the words do not form a complete sentence, it appears to be an eleventh commandment reading,

“You shall not smash [these ta]blets in your anger.”

Woohoo! Allen's Brain declared a heretic!

The rest of me is throughly orthodox, I suppose.

Just found out I've been nominated for "best blog by a heretic."

Haven't a snowcone's chance in a coffee pot of winning, but you can vote for me, anyway. While you're there, drop a vote for Brain Lab friends Ironic Catholic and B-Movie Catechism! The Blue Brain commands it!

Thanks to those who nominated me and voted for me--you lunatics, you! Just wait til the pope finds out you've been reading me!

Because God's Not a Morning Person

Actually, there may be something to that flippant thought. Each of the days of Creation begins in the darkness of evening and ends in the morning!  Maybe God is more of a night owl.

Of course, if you are among the scant few cognscenti who believe that the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was a coffee bean bush, then you certainly must believe this. God wanted them to stay away from it, because he didn't want them alert and chipper first thing in the morning, when he was still groggy.

Did I mention that the tower of Babel was probably a giant coffee grinder? Well, it wasn't, but it'd make an interesting story, if you could--ahem--stay awake through it.

All of that fluff just to present the latest item in the ICFAB! shop? What a waste!

Here it is. An 11 oz mug with one of my favorite texts from Proverbs printed on it.

What Will YOU Be Burning This September 11th?

A. A big stack of Qur’ans, of course! Islam is of the devil!

B. The Book of Mormon, Bhagavad Gita, Satanic Bible, “O” Magazine or other heathen religious text. False religion is of the devil!

C. Twilight & Harry Potter books. Vampires, werewolves and magic are of the devil!

D. DVD’s of “Big Bang Theory.” (“Big Bang” refers to evolution, which is of the devil!)

E. The Buddy Christ bobble head. Religious satire is of the devil!

F. The Gospel of Melvin. See E.

G. Anything bearing the name and/or image of Elmo, Barney, or Justin Bieber. Do you really need a reason for that?

H. The midnight oil

I. American flag

J. Terry Jones

K. Other. Please comment.

Also on facebook.

My bad!

"Had a powerful meditation just now -- caused an earthquake in Southern California.
Was meditating on Shiva mantra & earth began to shake. Sorry about that."

--Deepak Chopra on his Twitter account yesterday,
regarding the 7.2 quake in Mexico.

 

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My sincerest apologies to everyone who is angry at the actions of the current administration. I was praying some imprecatory psalms, and folks just began committing career suicide right and left. I’m not unhappy about it, but I’m sorry if it wrecks your day.

I would like to apologize to everyone for the rash of zombie attacks lately. I was meditating on 1 Cor 15:22, and the powerful imagery just opened some graves, I guess. Sorry about that!

That flat you got on the freeway yesterday? Also because of me. I was working on a sermon about how good people handle frustrating circumstances. I guess you became my illustration. My condolences.

All of you vampires who were looking forward to a gloomy afternoon and were disappointed by a sunny spring day have me to blame. It’s just that Psalm 37:6 is just too cool to keep far from the forefront of my mind!

Swine Flu Originated in the Gadarenes, Scholars Say

"Swine Flu": Isn't that the past tense of "When pigs fly"?
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A recent church sign at Cornland CC was my sermon title a few weeks ago, when I talked about Jesus' post-resurrection appearance to the two travellers on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13ff.) The idea came from their statement in vs 32: "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?" The sign read:

HOLY

HEARTBURN

BATMAN!

Is it my fault that it was also the day of our church potluck?

Good Question!

Overheard yesterday: "When they say, 'Suicide bomber kills 10,' shouldn't they really say he killed 11? Or did he only take 9 people with him?"

Weird religious news

Or is that news of weird religions? Why should I make stuff up, when real live people do things like this?
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Suit against God thrown out over lack of address
By NATE JENKINS, Associated Press Writer Wed Oct 15, 8:42 PM ET

LINCOLN, Neb. - A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he's found a hole in the judge's ruling.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God," Chambers said Wednesday. "A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience."

Therefore, Chambers said, "Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit."
Chambers has 30 days to decide whether to appeal. He said he hasn't decided yet.

Chambers, who has served a record 38 years in the Nebraska Legislature, is not returning next year because of term limits. He skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians.

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Thou Shalt Not Steal may have been a better topic
Wed Oct 15, 8:42 PM ET

FORT WORTH, Texas - Authorities are looking for two people who allegedly stole a preacher's wallet and went on a shopping spree while he was giving a sermon about showing mercy to others.

The Rev. Rob Hamby was the guest preacher at Fort Worth Presbyterian Church on Sunday when his briefcase was stolen from the church office. Security cameras caught images of a man and woman.

"What troubles me is that they would go to the church, not for help but to steal. I am shocked and frustrated that these people did it. But more than anything, I feel kind of sorry for them," Hamby said in Monday's online edition of The Dallas Morning News.

The newspaper reported that about $2,000 in purchases were made on his credit and debit cards before he finished preaching, including the purchase of a $676 diamond ring. In addition to his wallet, Hamby's computer valued at $2,600 was taken.

Hamby, who works as a campus minister at Texas Christian University, said he could have understood if the thieves used his credit cards to buy essentials but not luxuries that they did not need.

The Big News... What It Isn't.

There is some very big news coming to the Brain Lab! In case you still care, I'll give you some hints.

Here is what the "big news" is not:

-I'm getting married!

-IT CAME FROM ALLEN'S BRAIN! is about to become the premiere site for spork collectors the world over.

-I'm finally hanging it all up and ending the blog because I'm going to prison.

-Regular guest posts by Nancy Pelosi coming soon!

-The release of the first CD by my klezmer/ska/fusion band, "Gnawed To Death By Weasels."

-I'm finally on some medication that straightens me out. (y'all should be so lucky!)

-I may have just won ten million dollars!

-Expose: "The Muffin Man Revealed!"

-Sculptures of Allen's Brain made from chewing gum will be on sale here starting next week!

-I am the new American Idol! (that ought to boost Gnawed To Death By Weasels' CD sales)

Another Nomination for the "Duh" Headline of the Week

Coffee Drinking And Smoking Common in AA Members

Have these folks never been to an AA or other support group meeting?

Somebody actually funded this study! Oh yeah. We did.

God is at it again!

God accused of selling cocaine near Tampa church

Yonkers, NY tries to outdo the Church!

recent AP wire headline:

NY council seeks to shut down the 'Gates of Hell'

Meanwhile, Las Vegas & Washington D.C. are trying to pry it wider.

For the real story behind this odd headline, click here.

Was Moses Tripping on Mt Sinai?

Under the category of stupid religious theories, professor Benny Shannon claims that Moses was tripping on Mt Sinai--and he doesn't mean Mo was clumsy. The voice of God was all a hallucination brought on by Moses drinking some derivative of the acacia tree that acted like ayahuasca.

This would explain God's statement on the Mount, "I am the Lord your God, who brought--Dude! Look at the size of my hand! It's hu-u-uge! It really is with a mighty hand and outstretched arm that I brought you little Jewish dudes out! So don't walk like an Egyptian, okay?"

Additionally, Shannon claims that Moses was toking when he saw the burning bush. "Time is perceived differently when you're under the influence of hallucinogens." So, the bush really did burn up in regular time, but Moses freeze framed the whole thing, because he was stoned out of his gourd on wacky juice. Although... it would explain that whole "I am that I am" thing. I mean, are those the words of a stoner, or what?

I kid. This guy doesn't.

Church issues interesting challenge

WARNING!

The following news story is a little PG-13. And a little creepy.

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Church urges hanky panky among members

Mon Feb 18, 11:04 PM ET

A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members: Hanky panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth issued the 30-day sex challenge to take on high divorce rates.

"And that's no different for people who attend church," Wirth said Sunday. "Sometimes life gets in the way. Our jobs get in the way."

The challenge doesn't extend to unwed congregants, however.

Straight from the AP wire!

*****

Not sure that this will really effectively combat divorce rates. Not to mention breaking certain Levitical codes about bedroom contact, like Lev 20:18.

Having won that "cattle on a thousand hills" prize last year...

The other 20 million finalists might as well give up. One of the gold-sticker-laden sweepstakes entry forms and magazine sales pitches that show up just about weekly in most Americans' mailboxes has been sent to God.

American Family Publishers sent its computer-generated entry form to "God of Bushnell," at the Bushnell Assembly of God, a church in central Florida.

"God, we're searching for you. You've been positively identified as our $11 million mystery millionaire," the form read. The fine print showed the Creator was merely a finalist, but the letter encouraged him to try his luck.

"Imagine the looks you'd get from your neighbors … but don't just sit there, God, come forward now and claim your prize."

Bill Brack, the church's pastor, told the Tampa Tribune that he had not yet decided whether the church would enter the sweepstakes. "God already has $11 million," he said.

—Reuters Limited. Leadership, Vol. 17, no. 3.

Perhaps he could sue Tim LaHaye

Man Cuts Off, Microwaves His Own Hand

Wed Jan 9, 10:18 PM ET
HAYDEN, Idaho - A man who believed he bore the "mark of the beast" used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said. (Yup. He set the timer for six minutes and sixty-six seconds.)

The man, in his mid-20s, was calm when Kootenai County sheriff's deputies arrived Saturday in this northern Idaho town. He was in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center.

"It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived," sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger said. "He put a tourniquet on his arm before, so he didn't bleed to death. That kind of mental illness is just sad." ("But it's also kinda funny," commented Allen's Brain.)

It was not immediately clear whether the man has a history of mental illness. Hospital spokeswoman Lisa Johnson would not say whether an attempt was made to reattach the hand, citing patient confidentiality.

The Book of Revelation in the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God's fury." (So... was he cooking the hand to have something to eat with the wine?)

The book of Matthew also contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (Neither text calls for microwaving it, as far as I can tell.)

Wolfinger said he didn't know which hand was amputated. (Um, check which arm has the bloody stump.)

My New Hero

Cards from heaven have dead man talking
Tue Dec 25, 11:17 AM ET

ASHLAND, Ore. - Even in death, Chet Fitch is a card. Fitch, known for his sense of humor, died in October at age 88 but gave his friends and family a start recently: Christmas cards, 34 of them, began arriving — written in his hand with a return address of "Heaven."

The greeting read: "I asked Big Guy if I could sneak back and send some cards. At first he said no; but at my insistence he finally said, 'Oh well, what the heaven, go ahead but don't (tarry) there.' Wish I could tell you about things here but words cannot explain.

"Better get back as Big Guy said he stretched a point to let me in the first time, so I had better not press my luck. I'll probably be seeing you (some sooner than you think). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Chet Fitch"

A friend for nearly 25 years, Debbie Hansen Bernard said, "All I could think was, 'You little stinker.'"

"It was amazing," she said. "Just so Chet, always wanting to get the last laugh."

The mailing was a joke Fitch worked on for two decades with his barber, Patty Dean, 57. She told the Ashland Daily Tidings this week that he kept updating the mailing list and giving her extra money when postal rates went up. This fall, she said, Fitch looked up to her from the chair.

"You must be getting tired of waiting to mail those cards," he told her. "I think you'll probably be able to mail them this year."

He died a week later.

. . . and that's when they called the sanitarium.

Am I the only one who feels the compulsion to sing the name of Pakistani opposition leader Benazir Bhutto every time I hear it mentioned, to the tune of the jazz standard "Besame Mucho"? "Benazir, Benazir Bhu--tto . . ."

Yeah. I probably am.

No More Chubby Father Christmas!

Santa Told To Slim Down For Christmas To Set A Good Example To Children

Santa is being told to shift the pounds before Christmas - because the obese saint is failing to set a "good example" for children.

The traditional children's hero, best known for feasting on mince pies left out on Christmas eve, has always sported a bulging midriff.

But shopping centre bosses are giving the well-wisher his marching orders - to the nearest gym - to tackle the increasing problem of obesity.

The revelation comes after a medical report earlier this month stated that by 2050 more than 50 per cent of Brits will be obese.

Bluewater shopping centre in Greenhithe, Kent, has even gone one step further and set-up a Santa boot camp.

Fiona Campbell-Reilly, spokeswoman at the shopping centre, said: "Santa has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs to reflect this.

"Bluewater's Santa Boot Camp is getting Santa in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him.

"He will still be the same lovable jolly man, but will be fitter and healthier."

Despite Santa burning 600 calories an hour from delivering presents, the problem lies in the tasty mince pies left as a treat.

If he ate every single mince pie left for him by eager children in the UK he would gain an astonishing 721,000 lbs.

Dr Charmaine Griffiths, spokesperson from the British Heart Foundation, said: "The bootcamp would encourage people to get a bit more active - it is a great idea.

"If you are budding santa or a hopeful elf, then we should all be taking steps to being fit and healthier at Christmas.

"Half an hour of exercise, three days a week could make your heart healthier. I think that like most of us, santa could be doing more to make himself that little bit fitter.

"He can have a pie every so often but try to squeeze in a few carrots as well."

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Of course, because all children dream of looking like Santa Claus one day!

Considering he's managed to live for centuries and get sacks bulging with presents, plus his impressive girth, down even the narrowest of chimneys! Also, he breaks the laws of physics every year delivering all those gifts. I just can't imagine any child is going to say, "I should get in shape because Santa is!"

Other Things to Remember Today

Not to lessen the tragedy or cheapen the memory of events that took place in the U.S. six years ago, but many other things happened on this day as well.

If constant replays of crumbling tower footage and soundbites of "Today, six years ago..." are bumming you out, here's some other less notable things to memorialize today.

On this day in history:

1875 - "Professor Tidwissel's Burglar Alarm" was featured in the New York Daily Graphic and became the first comic strip to appear in a newspaper.

1877 - The first comic-character timepiece was patented by the Waterbury Clock Company.

1883 - The mail chute was patented by James Cutler. The new device was first used in the Elwood Building in Rochester, NY.

1936 - Boulder Dam in Nevada was dedicated by U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt by turning on the dam's first hydroelectric generator. The dam is now called Hoover Dam.

1952 - Dr. Charles Hufnagel successfully replaced a diseased aorta valve with an artificial valve made of plastic.

1954 - The Miss America beauty pageant made its network TV debut on ABC. Miss California, Lee Ann Meriwether, was the winner.

1974 - "Little House On The Prairie" made its television debut.

1974 - The St. Louis Cardinals and the New York Mets set a National League record when they played 25 innings. It was the second longest game in professional baseball history.