Piece of Original Ten Commandments Found?

Sinai.  Archaeologists have uncovered a fragment of a stone tablet near the base of Mt Sinai. The tablet is of indeterminate age, but the Paleohebrew letters inscribed upon one side date it almost certainly to the time of Moses.

While complete analysis is pending, several scholars are already describing the fragment as a piece of the original Ten Commandments! While the words do not form a complete sentence, it appears to be an eleventh commandment reading,

“You shall not smash [these ta]blets in your anger.”

Was Moses Tripping on Mt Sinai?

Under the category of stupid religious theories, professor Benny Shannon claims that Moses was tripping on Mt Sinai--and he doesn't mean Mo was clumsy. The voice of God was all a hallucination brought on by Moses drinking some derivative of the acacia tree that acted like ayahuasca.

This would explain God's statement on the Mount, "I am the Lord your God, who brought--Dude! Look at the size of my hand! It's hu-u-uge! It really is with a mighty hand and outstretched arm that I brought you little Jewish dudes out! So don't walk like an Egyptian, okay?"

Additionally, Shannon claims that Moses was toking when he saw the burning bush. "Time is perceived differently when you're under the influence of hallucinogens." So, the bush really did burn up in regular time, but Moses freeze framed the whole thing, because he was stoned out of his gourd on wacky juice. Although... it would explain that whole "I am that I am" thing. I mean, are those the words of a stoner, or what?

I kid. This guy doesn't.

Tomb of Elijah Uncovered!

Recent excavations in Tel Aviv have uncovered what many believe to be the tomb of Elijah, the Biblical prophet. Construction workers claim that they were digging out a space for septic tanks for new restroom facilities at Ben Gurion International Airport.

"Suddenly, we struck empty space, and knew we had hit a cave," says one worker, who wished to remain anonymous. Upon further investigation, they discovered a tomb containing several ossuaries. Most notable is one inscribed with "Eliyahu ha Tishbi": Elijah the Tishbite! Other boxes bore the name "Mariamne the Beloved" and "Yaacovi the Small," or "Little Jake."

DNA tests demonstrated that Little Jake was linked to Mariamne maternally, which we assume means that Jake was Mariamne's mother, despite being male. No maternal DNA links were found between Mariamne and Elijah, and so we assume that they must have been husband and wife, or at least romantically involved.

Several scholars have postulated that Mariamne and Jaacovi are the widow of Zarephath and her son, whose size indicates a weak and sickly existence.

"The fact that you see Elijah staying at this widow's home and you never hear of a Mrs 'the Tishbite' is proof enough for me that they were romantically linked," says well-known Bible scholar Elaine Paigels. "The blackened edges on the ossuary and heavy charring of the bone fragments are proof that the chariots and horses of fire may have picked up Elijah in a whirlwind, but they apparently crashed, and he was buried on the site. The widow & her son were placed there later, after their deaths, because everyone knew about the scandalous affair. And even though the later editors of the canon decided not to sully Elijah's name by mentioning it, what fragments they have left in plainly point to the fact of the relationship."

Discovery Channel plans to air a James Cameron-directed special next month about this amazing new find.

In related news, Oded Golan claims to have discovered an ossuary in his collection inscribed for Moshe ben Amram, and another for humor-blogs.com. Stay tuned for future updates on these exciting stories!