The Secrets of Invisibility Revealed!

Since science has been focused on less-important things like global warming, renewable energy sources, and world hunger, it falls to me--your atomically-enhanced brain-in-a-tank blogger--to open for you the secrets of invisibility.

Even in the good old days of the Victorian era (when everything was possible with enough iron pipes and a large enough furnace) or the 1980's (when you could get funding to study anything, including the effects of, say, New Wave music on the carbonation of soft drinks) when scientists actually were discussing the issue of invisibility, they still got it entirely wrong. These scientists assumed that invisibility was a matter of making every cell in a body perfectly transparent, or working out the problem of properly refracting light around an object, or opening up a previously-undiscovered dimension in space to walk around in. They were all looking in the wrong direction. (pun probably intentional)

In fact, while science was working through the chemistry and physics of invisibility, literally scores of people were already achieving invisibility on a regular basis! Of course, since invisible people are rarely seen, no one really believed such a thing was possible. But I have believed--and have distilled the technique down for you, my beloved (and probably deluded) readers.

The essence of invisibility is (wait for it!) misdirection! Being invisible is all a matter of people looking right at you and not seeing you, correct? So, here are the steps to a less-visible you!

1. Reduce Your V.Q.
Your V.Q. is your visibility quotient. If you are exceptionally attractive, a stylish or flashy dresser, or covered in long aqua-blue fur, invisibility is going to be very difficult for you. If you want this to work, you need to de-prettify yourself. Try not washing your hair for a couple weeks, wearing strictly utilitarian garments (I like to call it "panhandler chic"), and/or relocating to a planet where other blue-furred people live.

2. The Wallflower Maneuver
No, not the band. I'm talking about standing out-of-the-way, on the sidelines of social life. This is the more (or rather, less) active version of step 1. (Are you still with me, class?) Don't do anything to call attention to yourself. Don't engage anyone in conversation. Don't make eye contact. DO NOT (and I can't stress this highly enough) be the goober who races to the middle of the dance floor every time the song "YMCA" plays, to form the letters! This also goes for people who don't care about invisibility. Just. don't. do. it.

3. Desire Visibility
This is not a typo. If you did not desire invisibility, you wouldn't have begun reading this, would you? No, instead, the Wallflower Maneuver must be accompanied by a strong inner yearning to be noticed. This is key! Don't do anything to make yourself seen, but at the same time, call forth that strong inner voice to shout within you, "Notice me! Look at me! See me! Stop ignoring me! etc." With practice, you can keep that inner voice from being an outer voice. I suggest going to a dog park to work on that skill.

Well, there you have it! Master those three skills and employ them, and you, too, may attain invisibility!

There are, of course, easier routes to invisibility. For instance, turning off all the lights. This has the added advantage of making anyone else in the room invisible as well. Unfortunately, it also makes hard, pointy objects like coffee tables invisible as well. Another cheap method of invisibility to poke out everyone else's eyes with a stick, but we don't encourage that sort of antisocial behavior at ICFAB. We encourage a different kind of antisocial behavior. Like going to humor-blogs.com.