Thursday, December 04, 2008

New fragment of the Melvin Gospel, just in time for Advent!

The beginning of the gossip about Jesus, that son of a gun. And believe you me, that gossip can go on long into the night! Why, when my wife gets started to yappin', she-- well, anyway...

As it is written in Isaiah the prophet, "Behold, I send my massager a head of you, which will surely frighten and panic him, for verily, he shall say, "Am I not next to be beheaded?" He will prepare your whey; even your curds, and you shall feast upon them whilst seated upon thy tuffet. The voice of one crying in the wilderness (about being beheaded, no doubt, but then), 'Make ready the whey of the Lord, Make His pants straight. And watch out for spiders!'"

John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness (Poof! Ta-da!) preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. This was odd, because he usually just preached a sermon. And all the country of Judea was going out to him, and all the people of Jerusalem, there being very little else to do on a Thursday afternoon. And they were being baptized by him in the Jordan River, confessing their sins--and let me tell you, there were some doozies! I can now blackmail anyone I choose! For, seeing that all the citizenry had gone out to the desert, a certain enterprising young melon merchant named Melvin followed also. Cobbling together a fruit stand for himself, he did sell many melons to those who stood waiting to be baptized. And great was the profit thereof!

John was clothed with camel's hair and a leather belt around his waist, like he thought he was Elijah, or something. His diet was locusts and wild honey, and if that's that you have to eat, it surely will be a diet! Yech!* From him, the noble melon merchant made not a single mite! And he was preaching, and saying (a busy guy, this one: preaching AND saying!), "After me one is coming who is mightier than I, and I am not fit." And Melvin did reply, "Maybe you should eat more cantaloupe! Yeesh!**
*A Hebraic expression of contempt or disgust.
**Another Hebraic expression of contempt or disgust.

If you're new to the blog, you're almost certainly unfamiliar with the Melvin manuscript and my ceaseless labors to translate this "lost gospel." Click on "Gospel of Melvin" at the bottom of this post to read the background of the text and all that has so far been recovered. Christians with no sense of humor need not do so. You won't like it.

1 comment:

Diesel said...

If nothing else, I've learned two new Hebraic expressions of contempt or disgust.