Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater, epilogue

And finally...
 
    I asked my Grandpa Arnie, “Whatever happened to your amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater?”

    “Oh, I outgrew it the next year. So, I gave it to my friend Lucinda, because it would still fit her. She didn’t have a very warm coat – and such a, ahem, “festive” sweater suited her perfectly! Besides, with some of my sweater yarn in her shoe, it just made sense that both the parts of the sweater would want to live close to each other. And THAT’S when the sweater became the best gift ever – because it was something I GAVE. Not something I GOT!

    “Grandpa,” I asked, “did Lucinda pass the sweater on to someone else?”

    “Well, heh-heh,” he chuckled. “In a manner of speaking, yes. Say, isn’t it time to add Baby Jesus to our manger scene? Why don’t you go get the box he’s in?”

    I brought in the wooden chest. Mary and Joseph and the shepherds and the manger were already on the hearth. Only the baby was left – and we always waited until Christmas Day to put him in the manger. I opened up the box, and found the final ceramic piece of our Nativity set. Baby Jesus was wrapped securely in a bright, multi-colored sweater with a giant poinsettia on it! It was Grandpa Arnie’s Christmas sweater! But how did it get here?

    “You remember your Grandma Lucy? Well, ‘Lucy’ is short for ‘Lucinda.’ And when we got married, your Grandma still had that ugly Christmas sweater. She couldn’t wear it any more, but she found a certain little baby in a manger who needed it – and it has kept him safe and warm all these years!

    “ ‘It just makes, sense,’ she said. “The best gifts aren’t the ones you get. They’re the ones you give! And the child in the manger is proof that God thinks so, too.”
   

Saturday, December 21, 2013

The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater, pt 4

The New Kid In School

    “Well, the poinsettia covered up the stain from the spaghetti sauce incident, but NOW I had to wear it! Can you imagine being a boy eight or nine years old, and being forced to wear a sweater with a great big flower on the front of it? It was humiliating! I was so embarrassed that I wanted to hide – but where can you hide when you’re wearing the amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater? I’ll tell you: Nowhere!

    “I suddenly had a great idea! Since Beulie had crocheted the poinsettia onto the OUTSIDE of my sweater, I could just turn it inside-out and wear it! So I did that, and you know what? It was even more horrible on THAT side! It was like all the different colors on the sweater were trying to run away from each other, but they couldn’t because someone had sewed them together! So what could I do? I turned it right-side-out and put it on again. I experimented briefly with wearing it backwards, but I looked like a flower pot walking away from you, and everyone snickered when they saw it. Finally, I decided I would just face the shame head-on. Folks at school would get used to it, eventually.  I put my sweater on the right way.   

    “There was a new girl in our class that day. She didn’t look up from the floor very much, and when she did, she didn’t seem very happy. And then she saw me -- and she smiled. Her eyes lit up, and her smile got bigger. I think she even laughed a little bit.

    “I introduced myself to her, because that was the polite thing to do. She told me her name was Lucinda. Her family had just moved to our town.

    “ ‘I really should thank you, Arnie,’ she said. ‘You just made my day! When I walked into school this morning, I was very nervous. I didn’t know anybody here. And I was worried what others would think when they saw that my clothes were a little shabby. And then I saw your sweater, and I thought, Maybe I don’t have it so bad after all! You really cheered me up!’

    “Just then – well, before I can tell you what happened next, I have to tell you about my dog. He was a – well – he was a German shepherd/ poodle/ dachshund mix crossed with a genuine, all-American mutt!  He was a mix of so many different kinds of dog, we called him Casserole! Casserole was my favorite dog ever! He could fetch, roll-over, play dead.

    “But the thing he liked to do most of all was chew on things. We never had to worry about branches and sticks in our yard, so long as Casserole was around. He’d chew them up ’til there was nothing left. If we’d been thinking about it, we could have rented him out to other families to take care of the sticks in their yards, but we didn’t think about that. The problem with Casserole was, if he ran out of sticks and bones, he was just as likely to gnaw on the fence, or your toys, or even you, if he was bored enough.

    “That morning when I met Lucinda, Casserole got out of our yard. It’s just barely possible that a certain young man, who shall remain nameless, had left the gate undone. And so, during recess, Casserole showed up at my school! He raced around the schoolyard, barking happily. Some of us threw snowballs at him, and he tried to bring them back, but they melted too soon. It was about that time that I was meeting Lucinda.

    “Just then, Casserole saw something that looked delicious to him. He came racing up and grabbed Lucinda’s shoelace in his teeth. Before I could tell him to stop, Casserole had bitten the bow right off of her left shoe, and run away again! Have you ever tried to walk around with one shoe tied and the other one untied? Step-flap. Step-flap. Step-flap.

    “Her left shoelace was now too short to tie a bow in, so all around the school she went: Step-flap. Step-flap. Step-flap. All over the schoolhouse. Step-flap. Step-flap. In the hallways. Step-flap. Step-flap. Walking up to the blackboard to do a math problem.  Step-flap. Step-flap. Step-flap.

    “She couldn’t walk home that way. She needed a new shoelace, or something she could use as laces. What could we use? What could we use?

    “And then I figured out the solution to Lucinda’s problem. Do you know what it was? Do you remember how I told you that one of the sleeves of my sweater was about an inch longer than the other? Now do you know what I did? That’s right! I unraveled a bit of that sleeve – it was a red stripe – and tied a good knot in the blue yarn next to it. I dipped the ends of the red yarn in paste and twisted them into points. Once it was dry, Lucinda had a nice red shoelace, and I had sweater sleeves that were the same length!”
*****

Click the Ugly Christmas Sweater link below for the previous parts.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater, pt 3

Joseph’s Sweater of Many Colors

    “I remember one chilly Sunday morning, I wore my new sweater to church. I think it must have been the Sunday right after Christmas, and everyone was showing off the new clothes they got. People were wearing new coats, new hats, new scarves, new boots. And underneath, they were wearing new shirts, new pants, new skirts. There were new ties and suits and dresses. And lots and lots of new sweaters. And there I was, wearing the amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater!

    “My sweater and I walked into Sunday School, and Miss Kelly-Kelly (She was our teacher. Her name was Kelly O’Hannon, and she married Robert Kelly, so her name became Kelly Kelly. Naturally, us kids all called her “Miss Kelly-Kelly”) Miss Kelly-Kelly took one look at my sweater and said, ‘Oh my! Your sweater reminds me of Joseph’s coat of many colors!’

    “She was always saying things like that. When my sister Beulah knitted her a bright red scarf, Miss Kelly-Kelly said, ‘Oh my! This reminds me of Rahab’s scarlet thread!’ When Billy Higgins tried to sneak his slingshot into church, she said, ‘Oh my! Are we looking for Goliath?’ One time, the Grogan’s donkey got out and made such a ruckus they had to interrupt the church service to take him back home, and she said, ‘Oh my! That reminds me of Balaam’s donkey!’ And if you tipped your chair back on two legs, she’d say, ‘Oh my! Be careful, Eutychus!’ Everything reminded her of a Bible story.

    “So, of course, she thought of Joseph’s coat when she saw me. And it got her so stirred up that she decided to tell us THAT story instead of whatever the lesson was for that day! We all loved the story so much that we decided to do it as our Bible drama for Children’s Sunday. (On that Sunday, every class got up on stage and did something for the service. They might sing a song or recite Bible verses, or act out a Bible Story or something like that.) And what else did we use for Joseph’s coat of many colors? My amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater!

    “Now, Children’s Sunday only came around once or twice a year, and we wanted to really put on a good show for everybody else. So we practiced and practiced on it. We’d come home after school and hurry up with our chores and homework, and then we’d rush to the church to work on our play. It was gonna be great!

    “Then, one night, Miss Kelly-Kelly invited the whole class to come practice at her house, and she would serve us dinner. She made spaghetti and meatballs. (Of course, SHE called it ‘spaghetti and Esauce’ after Jacob’s brother, Esau.) Wow! Was that spaghetti sauce ever bright red! I remember, because I spilled it on my sweater! I went to take a bite, and one yummy meatball went rolling off my fork. It bounced off my sweater and landed back on the plate!

    “I tried to wipe off the tomato sauce, but it was no use. It had stained my sweater. And it was a wool sweater, so you couldn’t wash it, or it would shrink. Nope, I was stuck with a big red splotch, right in the middle of my new sweater! What was I going to tell my mother? Worse, what was I gonna tell Beulie? She’d probably think I did it on purpose!

    “My friend, Freddy Apple (that was really his name) said, ‘Maybe no one will notice. They’ll probably think it’s just part of the sweater!’

    “ ‘Maybe, but Beulie will notice.’

    “Freddy’s brother, Franky (and they had a sister named Candy, if you can believe it) had a plan. ‘Just put your hand over it whenever she comes by!’

    “So that’s what I did. When Beulah walked by, I put my hand over the stain.

    “She stopped, and said, ‘Are you okay? Do have a tummy ache?’

    “So I started rubbing my hand in little circles over my stomach, and I said, ‘No, it’s just really delicious spaghetti! Mm-mm!’

    “Another time, when she walked past, I covered the spot up with my arm.

    “ ‘Are you sure you’re feeling all right?’ she asked.

    “ ‘Sure, Beulie! Just, uh... practicing the Pledge of Allegiance! Um... Oh yeah! With liberty and justice for all!’

    “She looked at me like I’d fallen out of a tree. Then she just shook her head and walked away. I was practicing the Pledge of Allegiance quite a lot that evening! But you can’t keep hiding something like that. Eventually, I had to tell my sister the truth.

    “ ‘Beulie,’ I said, ‘something’s happened to my sweater.’ And I took my hand away. My sister looked at that big red splotch on my sweater, and she got a very serious look on her face. I’d never seen her look like that before. I was scared. ‘It’s tomato sauce,’ I said. ‘It was an accident,’ I said. ‘Freddy Apple spilled his spaghetti on it.’

    “She just kept staring at the spot. She didn’t move. ‘Okay, that’s not true,’ I said. ‘It was me. I spilled the spaghetti – but it WAS an accident. I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry.”

    “Beulie blinked a couple times, looked at me and said, ‘I’ll fix you, Arnie.’ I started to back away, and she said, ‘No, I mean your sweater! I think I can fix it.’

    “She borrowed my sweater for a few days. When she brought it back, she had crocheted the biggest, reddest poinsettia you’ve ever seen, right smack-dab in the middle of the amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater! If anything, it made it made it even MORE stupendously ugly – BUT it completely covered up the spaghetti stain. And Beulah never told Mom and Dad about the accident.

    “Our Bible play went just fine, by the way.  But after that, every time Miss Kelly-Kelly saw a poinsettia, she’d say, ‘Oh my! That reminds me of Joseph’s coat of many colors – but I have no idea why!’ ”
-----

Pt 1 and Pt 2

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

“Winter Wonderland”: A Hymn of the Persecuted Church. A Christmas Song Analysis



“Winter Wonderland” is one of those popular winter weather tunes that have made their way into our minds as “Christmas songs,” despite the complete lack of lyrical reference to the celebration of that holyday. But, lest we too hastily imagine that there is no religious content in it at all...

The 1934 lyrics to “Winter Wonderland,” by Richard B. Smith, are, in actuality, a sort of wintry “By the Rivers of Babylon” for cold war era Christians in communist countries – like the U.S.S.R. – who were unable to publicly practice their faith.

While it is unclear as to whether Smith was a religious person, his heart clearly reached out to the persecuted church. He penned these words while he was in a sanatorium with tuberculosis, and so he clearly knew something about being restricted.

The composer of the music was one Felix Bernard, who was born Jewish in New York City, and, while he didn’t contribute to the lyrics, no doubt also was immersed in his people’s history of persecution – and was therefore an ideal match for Smith’s lyrics.

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane snow is glistening

We note that, while it is winter, and nearing the holyday season, there are no church bells to be heard, but only sleigh bells. “The lane” is the road to the church building.  It glistens with snow, because no footprints mar the way. No one is permitted public religious expression, and so the church is sadly boarded-up and abandoned.

A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland.

The meaning here is likely two-fold. First, it is the false attitude of happiness that these secret believers must wear, despite how their hearts must be breaking at the closing of the church. They must let no one know, however, that the untraveled lane saddens them, lest they be arrested for their faith. Secondly, they are – in fact – filled with joy, appreciating the beauty of Creation, and also because of where it is that they are walking TO. More on that in a moment.

Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song as we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland.

The bluebird of happiness has flown away. No longer are public expressions of Christianity tolerated. They realize now how happy was their previous, un-persecuted state of affairs.

However, though outward happy times may have “gone away,” the “new bird” has come. Undoubtedly, this new bird is the dove, representative of the Holy Spirit, who sings peace, joy and “a love song” in their hearts, buoying them up in these difficult times. Again, there is the reference to walking, the destination of which trip we will now discover.

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He’ll say, “Are you married?” We’ll say, “No man”
But you can do the job when you’re in town.

The apparently whimsical scene of building a snowman in the meadow hides a much darker meaning. In the communist pogroms, clergy have been rounded up and arrested. Churches have been closed. The believers are “happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland” to a secret church service “in the meadow.” Lacking priest or pastor, they stand before a snowman, repeating their marriage vows. However, they swear to have a real church wedding when “Parson Brown,” their minister, is released from prison. Then, he can “do the job when” he’s “in town.”

Lumigyo Amnatovitch, a leading scholar on the persecuted Soviet church in the cold war era, suggests a bit of a different interpretation.

“The Snowman was a sort of renegade priest who performed the sacraments in secret outdoor services at night. Whether it was one man or a group of them will likely never be known. To the persecuted believers, he was simply “Father/Pastor Snowman.”

While most “respectable” repositories of knowledge reject this story outright, even Wikipedia has this to say about the alternate bridge lyrics:

-----
The original bridge, about a couple who make a spur-of-the-moment decision to get married, was supposedly considered inappropriate for children. A 1953 version of the sheet music contains the following replacement bridge

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he’s a circus clown.
We’ll have lots of fun with Mister Snowman,
until the other kiddies knock ‘im down!
When it snows, ain’t it thrillin’?
Tho’ your nose, gets a chillin’
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland.

In addition, the fact that (as noted above) the circuit-traveling country parson trekking from village to village is no longer part of the American cultural scene has also contributed to the circus clown replacing Parson Brown. (emphasis mine)
-----
They won’t touch the theory that the song is about the persecuted church, of course, but they acknowledge that America’s own religious decline contributed to the rewrite!

Later on we’ll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid, the plans that we’ve made
Walking in a winter wonderland

The underground congregation goes home, renewing their commitment to boldly hold on to their faith – and perhaps, are scheming a revolution to overthrow their persecutors!
***** 

--excerpted from Do you Hear What I Hear? The Stories
Behind Our Beloved Christmas Carols, by Allen S. Brain

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Amazing, Fantastic, Stupendously Ugly Christmas Sweater, pt 2

Part 1 is here.
----------

    “So what was I to say? I looked at Beulah. I swallowed hard and tried to smile, (ever try to do both of those at once?) and I said, ‘Thank you, Beulie (That’s what I called her back then, “Beulie”.) I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this!’

    “Well, we had opened all of our presents, so we all went outside to play. Pretty soon, every kid in the neighborhood was in our back yard. We had a hill that ran down into the edge of the forest, which was perfect for sledding! So, whenever we got a good snow, everybody came to our house and brought sleds, toboggans, old tires – whatever they could find – and went whooshing down our hill.

    “After a while, you get tired of lugging your sled back up the hill. So we started playing hide-and-seek in the woods. I had just snowed, so everything was white and black and shades of gray. I was wearing my brand new amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater. How well do you think I did at hide-and-seek? Imagine a parrot playing hide-and-seek with a bunch of penguins! I was ‘it’ a lot! I was NOT having much fun. So when everyone else went inside for hot cocoa, I stayed out and went for a walk in the forest.

    “It had started snowing again – great big flakes like silver dollars falling down through the tops of the trees. It was beautiful. And delicious! Better than ice cream. I walked all around the trees, looking up into the sky, trying to catch snowflakes in my mouth – they were too big to just catch on your tongue. I was doing that for a long time, until I cheered up and decided to go inside and have a cup of cocoa, myself. But when I looked around, I didn’t recognize anything. Just trees and trees and trees.

    “I listened carefully to see if I could hear some of the kids playing outside again, but I couldn’t hear anything. It was quiet. Quiet in that way that only snow brings: like everything is wrapped up in cotton. I thought about calling for help, but I figured that if I couldn’t hear anybody, they were too far away to hear me.

    “Just then, I got a brilliant idea! I would just follow my tracks in the snow until I found my way back home! That worked for a while, but it was snowing so hard, my footprints were filling up with snow. Pretty soon, I wasn’t sure if I was following my tracks or just low places in the ground -- and it was starting to get dark!

    “I was tired and cold, so I sat down with my back up against a fir tree. And I fell asleep. But don’t worry. I didn’t freeze to death! My sister Beulie found me!

    “She had gone out to look for me once it started getting dark. The moon was shining brightly, and the trees were casting their long shadows on the snow. ‘Everything was black or white,’ she said, ‘except for the Christmas present under the evergreen!’ In the moonlight, she could see all the colors of my amazing, fantastic, stupendously ugly Christmas sweater, and I looked just like a Christmas present to her!

    “ ‘See!’ she said, ‘I TOLD you the best gifts were the ones you give!’

    “After that, though, we made up a few new rules for playing hide-and-seek. Any time somebody was ‘it’ twice in a row, and they were gonna be ‘it’ again, they had to choose somebody else to be ‘it’ instead. AND if somebody was too good at hiding, and no one could ever find them, they had to trade sweaters with me!”

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Pulp-y Christmas?

I wrote this in a card for my friend John, who is, like me, a fan of classic pulp magazines. Warning: Not warm and fuzzy and soft-focus beautiful. A little grim and a little violent -- though not graphically-so. Kinda funny and kinda cheesy.
 


   The windows were boarded-up, and the gang couldn’t see what was going on outside. However, Big Mike was posted on the roof as lookout so no one could take them unawares.
   There was a sudden thump, and a body rolled out of the fireplace and lay still: a body in a slouch hat and long cape. Bullets poured into the body from around the room.
   “Hold it!” one said. “It’s Big Mike!”
   Laughter rolled from the ebon shadows, filling the hideout with a sound both sinister and cheerful – one might even call it jolly. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Narrow shafts of moonlight revealed a tall bearded figure in a heavy fur coat and hat – and a .45 caliber automatic in each gloved hand!
   Muzzle flashes illuminated the darkness, but the laughing figure was deceptively fast. Their bullets hit nothing. Twin pistols barked from the other side of the room, and two members of the gang were no more. One thug reached for the weapon of his fallen comrade.  “Santa” snapped a shot his way that sent the gun skittering out of reach.
   “Only good children get toys! Ho! Ho! Ho!”
   Another hail of gunfire. Two more foes were down.
   “Now then, Children” intoned the bearded saint from somewhere behind them. “It’s Christmas, so I’m in a generous mood. You have a choice. You can drop your weapons and surrender, and I’ll scratch you off my naughty list. OR, I can fill your stockings... with lead! What’ll it be? Ho! Ho! Ho!”
- from "The Spider: Curse of the Christ Child"

Saturday, December 07, 2013

The Altogether Ooky Manger Scene?


Here's the life-size manger scene at a nursing center I visit often.


Naturally, I fixated on Joseph,


because, to me, he looks like John Astin (Gomez Addams from "The Addams Family")




Thursday, December 05, 2013

A couple unusual nativities

Every year, a certain website publishes pictures of the most outrageous, bizarre, stupid and/or offensive nativity sets they can find. Here are a couple I found online recently that suit my twisted, monster-movie-fueled sensibilities.
Isabel Samaras
 Not three-dimensional figures, but delightfully-awful, nonetheless. I like the bat rattle. At first, I though Drac was supposed to be Joseph, but I expect he's intended to be a wise man, since it's Frankie & his Bride. Almost want to make this into a Christmas card. Almost.

And now, 2 Day of the Dead-themed manger scenes:
Hand-carved in Guatemala, $95 on eBay.

I like this small one for it's use of color and flowers. Again, no shepherds, though those two skeleton animals  may be sheep. The figure on the far left is an angel. See the red wings?

Peruvian artisan Claudio Jimenez Quispe
This one is huge, and certainly more-elaborate -- but just as inappropriate. Must be seen full-sized to be disbelieved. Click, if you dare!

And, while we're on the subject, here's the tiki manger I posted last year.



Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Christmas card oddity

I was in a big-chain bookstore the other day -- the one whose name rhymes with "Yarns and Global." They're gearing up for Christmas shopping like everyone else is, and had quite an assortment of Christmas greeting cards for sale.

THIS ONE grabbed my pedantic attention.



Nifty, folksy design. Looks like it incorporated bits of book pages or other typewritten paper into the design, as if the magi were painted over an old, used piece of paper.

Now, theologians and scholars who aren't tired of the subject can kick around the debate about the tradition of "three" wise men, and whether the depicted trio are following the star all the way from the East, or simply from Jerusalem to Bethlehem. The more politically-minded can grieve about the fact that all 3 seem to be Anglo-Saxons, despite being stargazers from the Orient. Art critics can discuss the sinister implications of the ransom note-style lettering superimposed beneath the star, or ponder why Mark Rothko seems to have painted the right-hand border of the picture.

Me? It was the words themselves that caught my attention. "Peace on earth, goodwill towards all..."

Plainly a paraphrase of the latter half of Luke 2:14. It's part of the message of the angel -- to the shepherds in the fields near Bethlehem. Sure, I can accept that it's part of the general tenor of the birth of the Messiah, and is thus suitable for any holyday card. On the other hand, it is the magi's visit to Judea that sparks Herod's paranoid slaughter of all the baby boys in the area of Bethlehem. Not quite "peace on earth" or "goodwill" (Rejoice, again, that your brain doesn't operate like mine.)

How about "We have come to worship him"? Or, "They presented their gifts..."? Or even, "When they saw the star, they rejoiced"? Or, if you really must, "We Three Kings." Perhaps the artist is considering the global implications of the "peace on earth" brought by the child, as demonstrated by the Gentile acknowledgement of him in the persons of the Magi. R-i-g-h-t...

Replace folk art Wise Men with folk art shepherds -- or even a swirly-twirly gingham folk art angel, and it would be a genuine improvement. And it would probably still make me slightly sick to my stomach. Still, even in its original condition, it's better than Thomas Kincade.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

More stuff that amuses and confuses Allen's Brain

This'll teach me to go shopping! Warning: some of this is religious in nature.
The first two are from Barnes & Noble.


I THOUGHT I knew what an Advent calendar was. Apparently, I was wrong, because THIS is a CHRISTMAS Advent calendar. As opposed to, you know, an EASTER Advent calendar or a HALLOWEEN Advent calendar. SO glad we straightened that out!

Because that's the point of the church service, right?

My issue, here, has to do with the change in the role of the corporate worship experience. It used to be that you evnagelized folks and then brought them into the community of believers. Now, it seems, the primary perceived purpose of the church service IS evangelism -- or, at least, baiting the unbeliever into coming back until they respond to the Gospel.
But is that what the church is primarily about? Making the unchurched comfortable?
Never mind this one. I'm just being curmudgeonly, I guess.
*****

And now, on to an un-named antique mall:

Yup, Santa Prunes: the world's grumpiest Father Christmas!
Remember when bad kids used to get coal or sticks in their stockings?
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Looks like someone needs a little roughage!"

I know it's Santa Clara or Santa Clarita, but doesn't it look, at a glance, like "Santa Claus Prunes"?


And now, saving the best worst most notable for last:

I'll give you a moment to drink in, in all its... splendor.

First, it's a Christmas banner/folk art piece.

Takes a few moments to work out "He's Cheer Here!" is supposed to be read "Cheer. He's Here!"

"He," in this instance, is baby Jesus. See the halo? We are, it appears, looking down on him in the manger. Instead of canonical swaddling clothes, this ChristChild appears to be in a modified Christmas stocking -- red bottom, white top -- making him a Christmas gift. Nice sentiment!

You next spot the cruciformly-outstretched arms with too-cute hearts in the palms. You then begin to realize the whole thing is kind of cross-shaped. The "artist" wants to remind us that the baby in the manger came to be our Savior -- an act he will accomplish in his vicarious death at Calvary. And it was an act of love for us, so there are hearts instead of bleeding, nailed hands.

My personal favorite is the way the hair forms an almost-perfect icthus fish symbol! Only the upper "fin" of the tail is missing on the right, but maybe it broke off. Probably unintentional, but it made me laugh -- and hurl.

While none of it is really objectionable, the whole thing -- tassels, fringes, and all -- is just... ugly. I get it, but it's just, so... Blech!

Actually, if you want this item, let me know. Maybe I can acquire it for you. Then perhaps it will stop haunting my nightmares.  Shudder!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Getting Crafty In The Brain Lab: Christchild Christmas Ornament

You're teaching the little ones about the birth of Christ, and you need an easy craft project? Here is what we did at our Cornland Monday School program:

These wooden ellipses are about the size of a penny that's been run over by a train. Maybe a little bigger. You can get them in the craft department for very little. I suppose you could substitute those wood ice cream spoons, instead. You could try foam shapes, too, but I don't know how well they'd hold up to being "swaddled."

Cut strips of material about 8 inches long (we used white fleece, which is nice because it's kinda stretchy, but whatever you have on hand.) and glue one end of the strip to one end of the wood. Thought about using yarn or twine. I expect it would work okay.

Wrap up your Baby Jesus and glue your remaining end down. The wood end that sticks out will be the baby's head/face.

Mine is just black marker, but you could use different colors, paint, or a smiley face sticker (I DID think about it!), or glue some yarn or fur for hair.
Cut rectangles of yellow construction paper (or foam, or whatever you want) a lit larger than the baby. Fringe the two long sides with scissors. This will be hay for the manger. Have the kids write their names in the unfringed area, so you can identify them when they're all done.

Glue your Christchild to the "hay" and bend the fringe up around him. Worry it a bit, and it'll be more straw-like. If it's too long, trim it off. Sure, you could use real straw, but the construction paper has the space for the child's name and date.

Finally, glue or tape a loop of string or yarn on the back at the head end, so you can hang it. If you don't like that idea, I guess you could stick a magnet on the back and put Baby Jesus on your fridge or file cabinet. (Personally, I find interesting foreshadowing in hanging Baby Jesus on a TREE.)
What I learned: put your name closer to the middle of the paper or you'll glue the string over part of your name. And who knows who "llen" is? Not I!

Nine baby Jesuses (Jesi?) hanging on an evergreen!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tempted to buy for a Church Christmas display

You have probably seen this Playmobil brand nativity set toy somewhere. I saw this one at Barnes & Noble the other day.

Why the "Allen's Brain in a Santa hat logo? Because I saw something being sold on the same table with this Nativity. It was also by Playmobil, and it was actually intended for a different Christmas "market" set, but--

Well, anyway, the big (?) reveal...


Yup, Sanity Claus, a snowman, and some toys! So want to buy 'em both, and set the supplementary Seasonal figures up in the stable. Give Jesus a teddy bear. Or replace him with the teddy bear, to see if anyone notices. Kringle's already on the box label, anyway (lower left corner.) Maybe I could make them Magi, bearing gifts of plush, soccer, and dolly! I could add my crash test dummy action figure as the third, if we MUST have 3.

Now I just need a teeny menorah!


Friday, December 09, 2011

A Few More Of My Favorite... Cynical Seasonal Songs

Classics, these:



-The 12 Pains of Christmas – Bob Rivers
Chances are, you’ve been hearing this on your radio station for years, but it never fails to make me smile. It’s a 12 Days of Christmas parody. My favorites? “Rigging up the lights,” “5 months of bills,” and a dead-on Archie Bunker impression with “Hangovehs.”


-Green Christmas – Stan Freberg
More of a skit than a song, Green Christmas paints Ebenezer Scrooge as president of a Mad Men-era ad agency. Every product must have a Christmas tie-in. Naturally, Bob Cratchitt objects. Many cute brief carol parodies ensue, including, “We wish you a merry Christmas, and please buy our beer!”


-Christmas Carol – Tom Lehrer
“On Christmas day, you can’t get sore. Your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to rob him all the more, the other three hundred and sixty-four!”
“Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and buy!”

Ingenious satire. Also, give a listen to his delightful “I’m Spending Hanukkah In Santa Monica.”


-Seventy-Seven Santas – Gayla Peevey (youtube)
Yes, THAT Gayla Peevey–the girl who wanted a hippo for Christmas. She counted 77 Santas around her town yesterday, and dreams of what it would be like if they ALL came down her chimney and each brought what she asked for. How sad for her parents that they only had one Santa Claus growing up! It’s the same sort of good-natured childhood innocence that made “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” a success.

Of course, the best-known cynical Christmas classic is “(No Place Like) Home For The Holidays” (From Atlantic to Pacific, Gee the traffic is terrific!)


Not quite so vintage, but a few new favorites:


-Christmas Griping – R.E.M.
Apparently, R.E.M. used to release special Christmas cuts for their fan club members. This is one of them. Thudding tribal-esque drums back members of the band waxing cynical about their least-favorite features of the holyday season. Most memorable is the “Boom-shaka-laka-laka, Ho-ho-ho” chant, which I have as my ringtone presently.

-Toy Packaging – Sara Groves
Gasp! A Christian singer with a cynical Christmas song. Pretty funny, actually, about a frustrated mom trying to get toys extracted from all the plastic, wire and zip-ties that packages most of them nowadays. "Nothing makes me lose my cool like toy packaging!"

Thursday, December 08, 2011

These Are A Few Of My Favorite... Cynical Songs Of The Season

I know. I know. It’s Advent, and I’m not supposed to listen to Christmas music. This isn’t Christmas music. This is anti-commercialized-season music. This is music for Bah Humbugs.



-This Year’s Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt.

Everybody’s heard the original holiday greed classic, "Santa Baby." If you’ve only heard the one by Madonna or (eesh!) Kelly Pickler, you must go straightaway and hunt up the original! “This Year’s Santa Baby” is the same tune, and Eartha sexily purrs through her latest shopping list, because everything she got last year is either broken or out of style. Among her outrageous requests are “most of the Florida coast” and “the Queen Elizabeth.”
youtube   download mp3


-Christmas Can-Can – Straight No Chaser

From their second Christmas cd, "Christmas Cheers," the accapella group that made it big with their brilliant mash-up of the 12 Days of Christmas--with, among other things, Toto’s “Africa”-- knocks it out of the park again, highlighting the rush of the season, Christmas music overkill, and the exclusion of Chanukkah. And it’s really fun to listen to.
youtube
 
 
-Blue Xmas (To Whom It May Concern) – Miles Davis & Bob Dorough
 
Jazz great Miles Davis and Bob “Three is a Magic Number” Dorough: How can you go wrong? Lyrical gems include, “I hope you have a white one, but for me, it’s blue,” “It’s a time when the greedy give a dime to the needy,” and his intentional pronunciation of “Blue Exmas.” It’s on Miles Davis’ “Hipster’s Holiday” or you can listen to and download it here.

There's also a nice alternate take on Blue Note Records' "Yule Be Boppin'"


-Putting On A Play – Bunch of Believers


B.O.B. is (was?) a Christian ska band, but this song is very listenable for non-ska fans. It’s a good-natured poke at the annual Christmas pageant. Ever do one where everything goes wrong? “Whoever wrote, ‘No crying he makes’ never met this boy. Still, it’s hard to imagine Jesus holding on to a StarWars toy.”
youtube


Finally,


-Santa Claws – Barry Kooda & the Buckaneers

Imagine “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” as “Ghost Riders In The Sky.” A menacing minor-key rendition that makes "You'd better watch out, You'd better not cry," more of a eerie warning.
Listen / download

Saturday, November 26, 2011

An Atheist's Christmas Song?

I was sitting in Starbucks last night with some friends. I was half-listening to the piped-in holiday music, including "Ocho Kandelas Para Mi" (a Spanish Hannukah tune.) Then, in the midst of all the sacred and secular seasonal songs (and the award for most-annoying S-alliteration goes to...), they played John Lennon's "Imagine"!

This is a holiday song? "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)," I could see, but "Imagine"?! Maybe you can consider it so, as a sort of atheistic call for peace on earth, goodwill t'ward men. However, I don't envision it appearing on my own holyday playlist.

Curmudgenously,
Allen's Brain

Monday, December 27, 2010

‘Twas the night after Christmas...


‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the place,

A glazed-over expression appeared on each face.


The stockings, all emptied of each trinket and treat,

Were folded or crumpled or piled in a heap.

The children took hours to settle in beds,

The effects of the sugar-plums gone to their heads!

For each savvy shopper, their slumber, too, fails,

Their heads full of visions of post-Christmas sales!

And mama and daddy examining the toys

To learn how to silence each plaything’s loud noise!

The day had been one of exuberant clatter,

But now, in the quiet, it seemed not to matter.


The wadded-up gift wrap and bows filled the trash,

Along with plate-scrapings of “Holiday Hash.”

Footprints from each snowball fight track up the snow,

In spite of the temperature–14 below!

When what in my wandering mind should appear,

But visions of loved ones wishing holiday cheer.

The gathering was lively, but over too quick.

Time to put away reindeer and box up St Nick.


More rapid than eagles this holiday came,

And its speed of departure was roughly the same.

Now long lines to return! Now thoughts of Regiftin’!

Now dread of New Year’s Eve! Now credit bills drift in!

Lights to take off the porch, wreath removed from the wall!

Decorations dismantled, and stashed away all!


All the holly sprig’s vanished without any clue,

Packed away in the shed, and Ol’ Tannebaum, too!

The rooms now are emptied, and under this roof,

All trace of the season has disappeared! Poof!

Along with the decor and visitors around,

So my holiday spirit is gone. I’m let down!


The emptiness fills me from head to my foot,

My heart seems all tarnished with post-Christmas soot!

My eyes, how they twinkled! My feelings, how merry!

Now replaced with emotions quite to the contrary.


It happens each year, but I’m used to it, though:

That sense that inside, I’m as cold as the snow.

My jaw I will set. A smile clenched on my teeth,

And pretend to the world I’m just fine underneath.

I resolve to feel good and stop being so silly!

My resolve, it stands firm–like a bowl full of jelly.


My Christmas was over, and now I was blue.

With the big day completed, now what would I do?

Was there hope to recover? Diagnosis seemed bleak.

If I’m like this today, how will I be next week?


Then a tinkle rang out, and a crash from the hall!

So I sprang up to see what was causing it all!

The curio cabinet had fallen, because

It was bumped by a moose dressed up like Santa Claus--

Or at least he was wearing a red fur-trimmed hat

And a red strip-ed scarf which matched, perfectly, that!

His hair, brown and shaggy. His right ear, frost-bitten,

And over each hoof was a bulky wool mitten!


He looked up, embarrassed, his eyes full of feeling.

His great antlers grazing both walls and the ceiling.

“I’m awfully sorry,” the giant beast crooned

With a voice like a trombone that’s been poorly-tuned.

“I’m usually graceful–stand straight as an arrow,

“But I get kind of nervous in walkways this narrow.”


He gingerly stepped ‘round the glass that was broken,

And the look which he wore on face did betoken

A gentle intelligence, of grace and volition,

As he strolled to the living room, a moose on a mission.


He sprawled on the couch, his legs awkwardly splayed,

And I stifled my chuckling at the vision displayed.

Yet with regal demeanor, looked at me to say,

“The name that I go by is, simply, V.A.

“I’ve been sent to you–and I’ll tell you the reason–

“To bring you a message this post-Christmas season.”


Now, to a moose I have never played host,

Of one talking moose guest I can only now boast,


So without such experience upon which to lean,

I blurted out, “Really? What’s the V.A. mean?”


The moose shook his brown head, and the couch that he sat in

Shook too. And he said, “It’s derived from the Latin.

“Thank you for welcoming me to your home,

“A traveler who’s come all the way here from Rome.”


Then I heard an odd voice, that was muffled and wee:

“You lummox! There’s not one moose in Italy!”

The moose’s hat jiggled and slid down his face,

And I saw a small man standing there in its place!

He had on a pointed red hat and a beard.

Yet after the moose, he didn’t seem weird!


“Let me guess,” I replied in a voice not unpleasant,

“You’re the ghosts of post-Christmases future and present!”

“Oh great!” said the little guy, maybe an elf,

“A wise guy! Why I ought to clout you myself,

“And the reason I don’t is you’re too far away!”


“–As I was saying,” interrupted V.A.

“I’ve come with a message to give you this day.”


“But not from Rome!” the little man said

With the long gray beard and the hat that was red.

“Why don’t you ask him again ‘bout his name?

“If you don’t keep at him, it’ll slip from his brain!”

V.A. shook his head. The man held tight his ear,

And said some things that I cannot record here.


“If you’ll stop interrupting, you tiresome gnome,

“I’ll get done with this message and then we’ll go home.”


The gnome (so that’s it!) finally settled down,

And sat on his head like an odd gnome-ish crown.


And V.A. continued, “It’s normal for you

“At this time of year to be fee-ling blue.

“The shortage of sunlight that comes with this season

“Contributes to you feeling down. That’s one reason.


The little gnome piped up, “Then look in the mirror,

“You’ll see you’re no smurf, and on that you’ll be clearer!”


“Ahem!” said the moose. “There’s exhaustion also.

“You’ve been planning and shopping for each one you know.

“You piled on the stress as you worried about

“Making everything perfect, and now you’re worn out!

“And when you are tired, your outlook is grim.

“For the weary soul, nothing looks good to him.”


“So learn from the kitty,” said V.A’s gnome cap.

“Go seek out the sunshine. Curl up. Take a nap.”


“By the way,” I inquired, “What does V.A. stand for?”


He would not be deterred. The moose said, “There’s still more.

“You’ve been snacking on junk food since Thanksgiving night.

“All those holiday goodies... You need to eat right.

“When you fuel your body with healthier food,

“You’re bound to feel better and improve your mood.”


“Thanks a lot, ‘Dr Oz’! While I’m sure your point’s valid,”

“That’s the best you can do? ‘Eat more tofu and salad’?”


“The fourth thing,” V.A. went on, “is ‘expectations.’

“This one really adds to the season’s frustrations.

“You’ve built up an image–a Christmas illusion;

“A soft-focus, greeting card photo delusion.

“This holiday season, things must be “just so,”

“And if they don’t match, disappointment can grow.

“You may find yourself tempted to think that you failed

“If picture-perfection just wasn’t quite nailed.”


“What the moose means,” the gnome said, “--You know you got fleas?--

“What he’s saying is, ‘Alter your pri-or-i-ties.’

“You’re not Martha Stewart--and even she’s not--

“So be realistic with your Christmas plot!”


“And speaking of pri-or-i-ties,” said V.A.,

“If you’ll let me get finished before New Year’s Day!

“It’s just barely possible, you’ve bought the lie:

“This season’s about gifts and tinsel and pie,

“And now that you’ve decked the halls, given each gift,

“And eaten the fruitcake, there’s nothing that’s left!


“Now, you know that that’s not what Christmas is for!

“There’s much deeper meaning. Yes! Christmas means more!

“Remember the tale of that green Grinchy dude–”


“Don’t do that!” the gnome squeaked, “You’ll get us all sued!”


The moose gave a sigh, “Well, okay then,” he huffed,

“But Christmas is not about all of that stuff.”


He opened his great jaws and exhaled then

A peppermint cloud, which was lit from within.

And I saw in that sweet mist a vision displayed

Of a Bethlehem manger where a baby was laid,

Bundled quite snug. And his mother, named Mary.

And Joseph was there. And the shepherds did tarry

To worship--in awe of this marvelous sight–

Then the picture was gone. And the cloud. And the light.


“That holy child wasn’t just there for one day,”

Said the moose, “No. Jesus had come here to stay!

“We don’t celebrate just his coming to earth,

“We worship him always, and not just his birth.

“It’s great to have Christmas–sing “The First Noel,”

“But he’s ‘God With Us’ always--he’s Immanuel!”


The gnome interjected, “We’ve finished our task.

“Now wasn’t there something you wanted to ask?”


“Oh yes,” I replied, “You’ve been awfully grand,

“But the letters V.A.–for what do they stand?”


The moose started chuckling, ‘til his scarf came loose.

“V.A.’s for ‘Venite Adore–moose'!

“And the fellow up there who has made my head home–”


“I’ll tell him myself! My name is Dom E. Gnome.

“There’s a song about us that perhaps you have heard.”

Then he sang in a voice like a half-strangled bird,


“Venite Adoremus, Venite Adoremus, Venite Adoremus, Dominum!”


By that time, V.A. had his feet on the floor,

And got himself turned ‘round to head out the door.

Then waving one hoof with a mitten upon it,

He snatched up his red-and-white fur Christmas bonnet.

With Dom snug beneath it–a true Christmas friend–

They went out in the snow, and they turned ‘round the bend.


And I heard them exclaim as they vanished from sight,

“Adore Christ the Lord–not just on Christmas night!”

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Have yourself a tiki little Christmas?

  
Keith Tucker of http://tuckerstikis.blogspot.com/

Card for purchase at http://frostiki.com/


Another card from http://frostiki.com/

And then, this baffling "crossover" piece...

edited from this flyer for a tiki culture festival:


Celebrate the birth of Christ with graven images!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Santa is co-opted by televangelists!


I saw this shirt on the rack yesterday.

It features Santa's face with the slogan, "You gotta believe to receive."

Remember when you also had to be good?

Theological discussion group: Compare and contrast the Santa of my childhood and this one with the old and new covenants of the Bible.  Is Allen's Brain a sort of Santa Claus Judaizer?

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Are You Sure?

Is the Advent calendar too complicated for you?

'Wondering if the calendar on your wall is accurate enough?

Do you find yourself listening to carols and thinking, "By George! It's Christmas!" when it's only December 2nd?

Does the proliferation of holyday music, decorations and frenzied shopping have your sense of what day it is fouled up?

Then this site is for you! Quite simply, it answers the question "Is it Christmas?"

(It's also an iphone app, for those who need to answer that query while on the go.)