Monday, February 01, 2010

Suggestions for Killing a Twilight Vampire

While hanging out at a local gaming shop recently, I observed that the owner, Paul, had a bottle of water from the river Jordan with a crucifix built into the lid, ideal for killing vampires. (I'm no a gamer, really, but he's also a great source for the latest in Lovecraftiana.

A discussion then arose about how to kill a Twilight vampire, since, according to an online faq:

Twilight vampires are not allergic to garlic or silver, their reflections can be seen in a mirror, and they show up in pictures. They don't sleep, and their bodies are pale, cold and hard. They don't age or change at all.
They can't get killed with a stake through the heart or by exposure to the sun. They can actually go out in the sun, but their skin shines like it was made of crystals; consequently, they don't go out into direct sunlight, as it would mark them as different.

So then, how do you kill a Twilight vampire? I suggested:

-Cheering him up?

-Skewer him with flowers?

-Thrust a rainbow-colored unicorn horn through his heart?

And finally, it wouldn't kill one, but consider whipping out a CareBear instead of a crucifix. "Back, Thou foul and mopey demon!"

No. You're right. I've never read the books or seen the movies. Please contain your horror at my ignorant retort.


PaperSmyth said...

"Emo" killer stuff might work, though I don't know. I have not read or seen either. I've heard enough to know it isn't gonna be my "thing." I mostly just try to stay away from any discussion of it. And emo vampires. (Lord knows I'm emo enough as it is.)

CMinor said...

Cast him in the film versions of the series. You might not succeed in finishing him off, but his acting career will be dead on arrival.

HMSnow said...

I think the best method would be to deprive them of all attention from teenage girls. That's all that keeps them alive, as far as I can see. That, or read to them from genuine works of literature. I'm pretty sure that that would at least burn them.

Allen's Brain said...

"Call me Ishmael."