Purim Shpiel, 2011, pt 1

The story of Esther, as written by Dr Seussberg
(who ran out of time, and cribbed from my 2006 version for the end)

In the Land of Persia, in 470 B.C.

(B.C. is “Before Cowboys,” so Long Ago, you see.)

There lived a king named Xerxes, but nothing rhymes with that.

In Persian, he’s Achashverosh. Say, do you like my hat?

King Xerxes loved to party, and threw a glorious feast

That lasted 6 months long, with all the nobles in the East:

All the princes, governors, satraps,

All the speed traps, sand traps, and mousetraps.

And then another, for just 7 days more,

For all men in the palace, and it was open bar!

Whatever you wanted to sip, gulp, or swill,

Drink all that you like, Xerxes’ footing the bill!

In a week, they’re all plastered--5 sheets to the breeze--

And the king sent a message, “Oh Vashti, Dear, please,

“Come appear at my party, You Sexy Thing, You!

“Wear your crown. Come On down! Give the boys all a view!”

Queen Vashti refused, “I am hosting a tea

“For all you guys’ wives. I am much too busy!

“And I am NOT a piece of meat to be displayed on a rack!

“If you think that I’ll be there, you’ve got it wrong, Jack!”

“The Queen must be punished!” the nobles all said,

“Divorce her and banish her! Take off her head!”

So he sent her away, a honeycomb on her brow,

Decreeing, “She’s banished and bee-headed, now!”

Now that Vashti was gone, the king needed another

Woman to be his wife and his kids’ mother.

For all the women in the land, Xerxes held an audition

To be on “The Bachelor: Royalty Edition.”

“Are you young and beautiful? Don’t delay! Don’t be idle!

“Come be a contestant on Pers-i-an Bridal!”

A lovely young woman, Hadassah by name,

Put all of the other contestants to shame.

She was raised by her uncle, an outstanding guy.

He was righteous and upright: The Jew, Mordecai.

So upright was he, that it was said in jest,

That he wouldn’t bend over or lie down to rest!

He had been taken captive by Nebuchadnezzar,

And brought here to Babylon; and then had raised Esther–

The other name by which Hadassah was known.

It’s the Persian love goddess, for her beauty which shone.

When she went to the palace, Uncle Mordie said, “You

“Mustn’t reveal your family or say you’re a Jew.”

“Geseundheit!” Esther giggled, but solemnly agreed

To not reveal her family, nationality or creed.
*****

The jokes can't get much worse, can they? To see, continue to pt 2!