A crisis was narrowly averted today, as two plotting assassins were arrested before they could carry out their fiendish plot against the recently-wed King Achashverosh.
The conspirators, Bigthan and Teresh, were employed as security personnel at the palace entrance when their plot was uncovered. Law enforcement officials said the two men were disgruntled employees, but did not disclose the source of their anger. Failed salary negotiations may have played a part, but maybe they just hated their names. I mean, really! "Teresh"? "Bigthan"?
Officers were tipped off to the plot by Queen Esther herself, who credited her cousin Mordecai with the discovery. Mordecai's good deed was recorded in the king's book, "People I Should Thank Someday When I Get Around To It."
Brought up on charges of insurrection and attempted regicide, the two plotters were convicted and condemned to death by impalement. This was deemed an appropriate punishment for men who had been so stuck up in life.