Friday, January 05, 2007

At last! A vacation from Allen's Brain!

Yep. I'm finally gonna get home and celebrate Christmas with my family this coming week. This would be after Epiphany, so we'll be celebrating the 4th, unnamed gift of the Magi that was given to a clerk at a roadside tourist trap in exchange for alternate "scenic route" directions to their homeland. This was, you remember, to avoid meeting up with Herod again, who wanted to pump them for information about the location of Jesus.
God warned them in a dream that they shouldn't return to the king, but he apparently didn't give them any directions. Mapquest and GPS not having been invented yet, the wise men were forced to take matters into their own hands and actually ask someone. Evidently, the Star was only interested in getting them to Bethlehem, and was of no use in helping them find their way back. So, stopping at the Holy Land Falafel Stand (and gift shop), they inquired after directions home.
Bartholomew "Bucky" bar Yehudah was minding the cash register that day, (it having been invented earlier that morning and broken down and lost just shortly after the Magi left.) Bucky told them to "Follow the road that goes past that field the Epsteins used to live on, and turn right just after the tree that used to be there until the Romans took it to make a cross out of it a year-and-a-half ago. Then just keep going straight."
Unfamiliar with the neighborhood, they asked Bucky if he could be a bit more specific.
"Well, I guess I could draw ya' a map, but I'd hafta' charge extra fer that. Ya got anything exotic-like that my girlfriend would like?"
The Wise Men slyly offered Bucky a designer pen-and-pencil set which they had saved back since it seemed that after the gold, frankincense and myrrh, the baby ought to be able to buy his own writing utensils. . . AND stationery--which he wouldn't need for a little while anyway.
And so it was that Bucky drew them a map to guide them. And the Magi returned to their homeland a full five years after they left Bethlehem.

There is now a large, unfinished Greek Orthodox Church over the spot where this exchange took place, and they still serve great falafels! Just don't ask them for directions.


Diesel said...

I find this hard to believe. No Mapquest?

Allen said...

Nope. But there was a strange and mystical poultry-based direction-finder called MapQuack. Thanks to the SPCA, we can't use that one anymore, though.