Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Melvin Gospel Strikes Again!

And Jesus began to speak to them with pairs of bowls (purchased, no doubt, at a very reasonable price from Melvin’s Melons), saying,

“A sower went fourth to sow seed. He wouldn’t have had to go at all, but the other three guys he sent out failed miserably at their jobs. I mean, one of ‘em dropped all his seed on the hardened pathway, giving a huge banquet for the birds of the field! Nice goin’, Doofus! The second guy dumped his out on dry rocky soil! Of course, it all shriveled up when it tried to grow. What an idiot! The third moron decided he should scatter his seeds among the thorn bushes! Naturally, the thorns choked out the fledgling plants, and they died. So now, the fella who owned the field had do the work himself! If ya want something done right, do it yourself, as they say.

“It occurred to the farmer that, despite the damage done by those who went before him, he might still salvage his crop. So, with needle and thread in hand, the sower went out to sew his seed. This failed, too, because when he got to the field, the sower found that his needle was badly bent and dulled. Not only was the needle bent, but there were dark, bristly hairs jammed in the eye. It looked as if some rich man had tried to force a camel through the eye of his needle! That’s impossible, of course, but that’s what it looked like. And if your eye is full of darkness, how great is that darkness! Not to waste the day, the sower scattered his remaining seeds in good, well-plowed places.

“As the crop began to spring up (a beautiful patch of honeydews), it became apparent that someone—probably an enemy—had sowed weed seeds in his field! The three servants who had done a lousy job during planting season, seeing this horrible catastrophe, decided to redeem themselves. They waded out into the fields and began yanking up the weeds. However, the weeds and the good vines had so intertwined their roots that a large portion of the crop was uprooted as well! Refusing to quit—though they really should have—the workers began to bring out of their barns vines from last year’s harvest, in order to try to graft the ruined vineyard back together. As any melon grower worth his cassavas will tell ya, though, no one sows an old patch into a new piece of crop, because the old patch will shrink back, tearing the new crop even further, and they will both be ruined!”

Then Jesus began to put the pair o' bowls over some lamps, but that’s another story.

From The Gospel According to Melvin
More from Melvin here and here.

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