Monday, September 22, 2008

Allen's Brain's Acceptance Speech

Many of you probably caught this on CNN, but I thought I'd include the transcript of my speech anyway.

My fellow Americans, living and undead, when Max asked me to be his running mate, I had but one response: great peals of maniacal laughter echoing through the gloom. Oh, and then I said “yes.” [Wait for laughs. If none occur, instruct the Lizard-Men to encourage audience members to laugh.]

Many of you don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. I am Allen’s Brain, and I understand the plight of the physically-challenged American. I mean, just look at me! I don’t even have a body. Well, not my own, anyway. But I have not let my handicap prevent me from achieving my dreams—and none of you should let my handicap prevent you from achieving my dreams either! [Wait for applause.]

Like many of you, I grew up in a small rural community, the child of a country veterinarian and his nurse wife. It was there that I learned the value of hard work and American ingenuity—the things that truly make this nation of ours great! [Wait for applause.] It was there that I saw the power of community spirit. It was in that Midwestern farm town that I learned what it means to be your brother’s keeper—and occasionally what it learns to be your keeper’s brother.

As a student of nuclear medicine and philosophy, I found my studies taking me to the innermost reaches of darkest Africa. There, I observed the medicine men thriving mentally and spiritually, while their bodies withered away to nothingness or were even gnawed upon by wild beasts! Still, they prospered in the leanest of times, and contributed to the growth of their villages, despite dire circumstances. A flagging economy did not stop them from being all that they could! They simply tightened their belts another notch and carried on! [Wait for applause. Have the Lizard-Men gently wring applause from the audience.]

Eventually, a mysterious plague wiped out these gentle jungle shamans, but not before I had learned everything I could from them. I took their secrets back with me to the United States, and began implementing them to treat depression in the severely injured and disabled. Then came the day that I met a patient I couldn't help. Because of the exorbitant prices of medical procedures and the skyrocketing costs of insurance, this patient could not afford the transplants he needed to survive. So I began utilizing what I had learned in Africa and in rural America. I started donating organs and marrow and tissue grafts from my own body, until finally, I had depleted my body entirely, reduced to simply a brain! However, one of my experiments with radiation suddenly increased my capacity for learning and personal development, giving my brain strange and horrifying powers—and also changing its color to this surreal blue you now see before you.

Not content to be merely an object of curiosity, I exerted my stunning willpower on local government officials to bring about sweeping changes to benefit the common hard-working people of America—people like you! [Applause pause] Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and an atomically-enhanced brain in a jar? Lipstick. (I have no lips, as you can see.) [wait for laughs]

In time, I located a drunken severed head who shared my dreams for serving the fine citizens of these United States, and, unbeknownst to him, inspired him in his bid for the presidency of this nation. And with your votes this November, you can believe that these two no-bodies will help put this nation back on the fast track to being celebrated, popular, and prosperous. And then, you shall all be in my power! Ah-ha-ha-ha! [actually, we think you should probably skip this last line, unless the crowd really seems to be with you.]

Will you join with me in welcoming now, the next president of the United States of America, Max!


Gregory said...

The origin of the Brain. Mystifying, and somehow, slightly cheesy.

Max the drunken severed head said...

My eyes pooled reading this story, even though I know it so well.

I am glad that you have chosen to go public with the tale of your humble-but-inspiring origins! It moves me.

Your faith-- awesome. I man has to believe in something, and I believe I'll have another drink...

See you at campaign headquarters!

Allen's Brain said...

Gregory, "slightly"?

And another round (of applause? Drinks? Yes!) for the Futu-Prez! Max: a man with his head in the game!