The Allen’s Brain Personography Quiz

Because I tend to find most question list memes a bit dull and unchallenging, here is a quiz for the weirdly creative and the creatively weird. As they say at the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation: Share and Enjoy!
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The Allen’s Brain Personography Quiz

1. You’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name. Finally, in a fit of boredom, you name the horse. What do you call your steed?

2. Dr Jarnikov, diabolical genius, is going to perform the classic brain swap experiment on you. Who/what is the other subject?

3. The Great Old Furry Tortoise of Wisdom grants you the answer to one question. What do you ask?

4. Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Build a better mouse, and...

5. There are eight entrees on the menu. How does the hydra make up its minds which to order?

6. It’s the end of the world, and you have the last pudding cup. What do you do with it?

7. Sometimes you just have to get away from the angry, pitchfork-wielding mobs. Bamboo hut in the jungle, laboratory hidden in a volcano, observatory on the ocean floor, or apartment in the sub-basement beneath the Asian food market?

8. You’ve just strolled into an ice cream parlor in the Twilight Zone. What’s the ironic problem with their frozen treats?

9. You are the comic book superpower fairy. What amazing ability do you give your enemy?

10. A box arrives at your door with a note, reading “Do not open!” What do you do?

Diary entry of a mad scientist

   Today, no horrific nuclear mutants are trying to eviscerate me. Depending on your views of me and of Providence, I am either experiencing an exceptional measure of mercy, or Divine wrath has fallen upon the rest of you.

 

Oh, and, Mu-hahahaaaaaa!

"The Brain That Wouldn't Die" Comic

Just for the record, not all of us Brains-in-jars are related, but there's something about this one that I'm simply mad about! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAaaaaaa!

Of course, it's 1954, so he can't expect cable or dish, but still--rabbit ears!

THE HORRORS OF IT ALL: The Brain That Wouldn't Die: Not to be confused with the cult classic B-film from 1962 of the same name, today's tale from the January 1954 issue of Web of Evil #10 makes a gloriously revolting mess of science as only pre-code horror knew how.

This classic, pre-code horror comic has a great twist ending!

And then I woke up this morning, and realized it had all been just a horrible nightmare.

As it turns out, my boss really is a sadistic monster that delights in tormenting me! And quite scaly, too.

My co-workers actually are zombies; not just people of below-average intelligence.

The furniture really is alive and frequently changes places while I'm not looking!

The villagers do fear me, and suspect that I am responsible for a number of heinous crimes.

I am the perpetrator of many unspeakable acts which are an abuse of science and an affront to both God and nature! Should I leave the safety of my castle, I'd be certainly arrested or murdered.

My "Abominations" are still at large, freely frolicking and wreaking destruction and bloodshed in the towns and on the countrysides.

It is a perfectly beautiful day! Black as the inside of a depressed gorilla, torn by blindingly blue-white forks of lightning and shaken by blasts of thunder. The thunder momentarily drowns out the yelping of the plummeting cats and dogs.

Unfortunately, unlike in my dream, my experiments to cross-breed the Atomic Lizard-Men with the Asparagus People to create a hybrid food source that would be both meat and veggie have met with no success as of yet.

Oh well, not everything can be perfect.


Why are you all looking at me like that? Just use your normal, everyday eyes!

Weirdoes.

Back Before I "Went Nuclear"...

... I had a near run-in with Marty Feldman. I'm on the bottom shelf, first on the left, misfiled next to that snobbish Hans Delbruch!

I'd like to thank the Academy...

I’ve been awarded the Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award by nissa_loves_cats of the delightfully-named blog, The Lina Lamont Fan Club (“What’s da’ mattah wit’ my voice?)

Truthfully–and sadly–I wasn’t particularly familiar with Nissa’s blog. I think I had read a linked post, here and there, but wasn’t a regular reader. However, after browsing about, I think I’ll swing by there more often. Of course, that seems to be the dark, secret motivation of blog awards of this ilk. :-D

“Irresistibly Sweet” sounds like something that would induce nausea upon ingestion. Not sure what that implies about my blog. Additionally, Nissa comments, “The last time I passed out an award, one of my awardees... was not available to pick up his award due to being in jail for the death threats he kept making... So now I'm puzzled--- do I try to find bloggers who WON'T get arrested to award them, or should I consider it a challenge to pick another potential trouble-maker? I'm torn....” So, now I REALLY wonder what she thinks of me! Hee-hee!

So, thanks, Nissa... I think...

Anyway, the stipulations for accepting this “award” are as follows:

The Rules:

1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.

2. Share 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 8 deserving blog buddies.

4. Contact those buddies to congratulate them.
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Now then, onward to the Abyss!

VII Roman, er, Random Facts About Allen’s Brain

I. I’ve quite a fondness for Hawaiian shirts and wear them over long t-shirts and sweatshirts in the winter. I have worn the same red print Hawaiian shirt the last 3 Christmases–maybe 4.

II. “I think you ought to know, I’m feeling very depressed.” Recently finished downloading the complete “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” BBC radio programs, and am listening to them in my car. Marvin the Paranoid (and perpetually-depressed) Android, btw, is the source of that quote.

III. With a passion for strong coffee and super-spicy food, it’s a wonder I have any tastebuds or stomach left, but I do. They’re on the third shelf from the bottom, second and fifth from the right, respectively. (Okay. That last bit’s not true. It’s actually the 2nd and 6th from the right.)

IV. Just achieved gold card status on my Starbucks membership. Yay.

V. In my fantasy life, I would run a tiki-themed coffee bar called either “ExotiCafe” or “Shrunken Ed’s.”

VI. I have never been compared to a giraffe or a bowl of cereal, and I don’t particularly envy anyone who has.

VII. Perhaps it’s the mad scientist in me, but I really like a good thunderstorm: lots of forked lightning, loud crashes of thunder, and great, wet curtains of rain plummeting to earth! Muh-ha-ha-ha!
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I don’t think I know/read 8 bloggers that would do this sort of thing, but if you are one such, and would like to do this, then I consider you Irresistibly Sweet!

Sample Interview Questions for Assistant Position

Good help is so hard to find! So many applicants just lack the basic skills to be a real asset to your place of business. The key in weeding out the bad apples from the truly wormy ones lies, I think, in asking the right interview questions. Here are some I have used recently to locate a qualified assistant. Whether you're looking for a lab assistant or an executive assistant, these questions will help put you on the right track. Feel free to use any and all that you need.
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Name _______________________________________

Gender (list all that apply) _______________________

Age _______  Age in dog years _______ 

Number of years since your most recent resurrection/regeneration ______

Number of fingers, toes, and other useful appendages (prehensile tail, tentacle, etc.) ________

Briefly describe your past work history, including any felonious activities and unspeakable acts--like politics.



Check any and all that apply.

01. For this job I am willing to:
__ Relocate
__ Learn new skills (computing, filing, dentistry)
__ Regenerate
__ Degrade myself
__ Work long hours for no pay
__ Wear a tie

02. I can take:
__ Dictation
__ Constructive criticism
__ A joke
__ A torch-wielding constable
__ The blood out of this lab coat
__ A bullet

03. I speak:
__ English
__ Archaic and fawning English
__ Transylvanian
__ Gorilla
__ Seldom
__ With a lisp

04. I am hunchbacked because of:
__ Deformity from birth
__ A botched execution
__ An injury on the job; i.e., lugging heavy equipment, corpses, etc.
__ A genetic experiment with camel DNA
__ Style

05. Why did Dr Frankenstein fail?
__ Pride
__ He meddled with things he should have left alone
__ What do you mean, "fail"? The monster lives, doesn't he?
__ Chance (How could he know his creation would be immortal?)
__ Divine judgment
__ It was his assistant's fault, of course.

06. I am capable of making:
__ Plutonium from common household items
__ Repairs and modifications to both atomic- and lightning-powered machinery
__ Flimsy excuses
__ Eleven different death-rays
__ Decent coffee
__ A mess

07. Spell "Igor."
__ Igor
__ Ygor
__ 360R
__ Eye-Gore
__ Fritz

One day, a coffee shop moved in next door to the lab...

For all y'all Jewish Cajuns out there!

Allen's Brain does not simply thrive on coffee and bad movies. It also finds great stimulation in spicy food. My latest lab experiment combined two of my loves: Judaism and hot sauce!

Uncle Brainstein's "Oy Vey! 'At's A Spicy Matzoh Ball!"

Start with your favorite matzoh ball recipe or mix.

Make the matzoh balls, according to the recipe/directions.

Instead of dropping them into boiling soup, drop them into a pan of the same amount of boiling hot sauce. My recipe calls for 2-and-a-half quarts.
(Frank's Red Hot would be ideal, but I went with the super-cheap store brand. Whatever's spicy and tangy. I love Tabasco, but I can't imagine using it. It'd get pretty expensive, too.)

Otherwise, follow your matzoh ball recipe.

The matzoh balls will absorb the soup/sauce.

You can use a funnel and pour the remaining sauce back into the bottles. It'll be a little thicker, having cooked-down.

Great added to a chicken dish or as a unique, kosher accompaniment to buffalo wings. Try 'em with ranch or bleu cheese dressing.

Home Ec at the Brain Lab

Of course, here at the lab, we combine Anthropology, Non-Western Religions, and Metal Shop with our Home Economics course.



"Shrunken Heads," Josh Agle

 Class, your assigned reading is from this website, which is a very interesting and thorough study of the head-hunting culture of the Shuar (also called the Jivaro) people.

Especially pay attention to the following paragraphs, Students!

   To understand the motives behind the preparation of tsantsa (shrunken head) it is necessary to realize that the tsantsa itself possesses tsarutama or magical power. Immediately following the battle the head was taken as a trophy, which indicated that the maker had properly fulfilled the obligation to his lineage in taking blood revenge.



   Most Jivaro Indians would consider any victory over the enemy as incomplete, and perhaps the whole war expedition a failure if they were unable to return without one or more trophies. Furthermore, possessing the tsantsa itself would benefit the warrior's good fortune as well as please the spirits of his ancestors. The warrior could expect the spirits of their dead relatives to bestow them with good crops and fortune. Consequently, one could anticipate corresponding misfortune if their murders were not properly avenged. The Jivaros gave much more thought to the harm that might come to them through the ill will of the neglected dead relatives ghosts, than they did to the malevolent actions of enemy ghosts.

  

He laughed at my theories



    More importantly, the reason behind the preparation of the tsantsa is to paralyze the spirit of the enemy attached to the head so that it cannot escape and take revenge upon the murderer. This also prevents the spirit or soul from continuing into the afterlife where it could harm dead ancestors. When the warrior kills his enemy, he is not only after the victim's life, but more importantly he seeks to possess the victim's soul. Acquiring trophies after a battle, was also an instrument of increasing a warrior's own personal power, known as arutam. The idea behind killing the enemy and taking his head as a trophy, brings the victim's arutam to the warrior. The power of the dead man's soul is still considered dangerous to the victorious tribe and therefore the motive behind shrinking the head of the enemy is to conquer and destroy the spirit or soul.

   In addition to satisfying the notion of blood-revenge and possessing the dead man's soul, the transformation of the head into a tsantsa implies a deadly insult not only to the dead man himself, but also to his whole tribe.

   The head means to the warrior what the Medal of Honor means to an American soldier.

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And now for the Home Ec portion of our lecture: Follow this recipe!

 

For extra credit, go watch "The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake."

The cure is near?

Everyone now knows about the H1N1 virus, an illness so impossible that the original name indicates pigs flying ("swine flew," right?) Speaking of original names, I keep pronouncing the 1's as if they are I's, so that it comes out sounding like the "hiney" virus.

We are fortunate to live in these United States and have immunizations available against the nasty stuff! However, I wonder about the intelligence of some of the pharmacies advertising that you can get shots for H1N1 at their store locations. Here are a couple of the more poorly-worded ads.

H1N1 IS HERE

Thanks. We hadn't heard.

WE HAVE H1N1

Um, I'm sorry to hear that. Be sure to get plenty of bed rest and liquids.

And my favorite:

WE HAVE H1N1 INJECTIONS HERE

As a mad scientist brain-in-a-jar, this fills me with glee! They've bottled the virus, and packaged it in easy-to-use syringes, so I can give it to whomever I wish! I'll take 25, please. I have some very deserving folks in mind.

My secret superhero identity

It's time to reveal something to all of you, my readers.

I am a superhero.

Yup. Secret identity and everything.

If you can keep it to yourself, I will tell you who I am. Swear to secrecy? Okay.


By day, I am an arrogant, genius-level, shockingly-blue mad scientist's brain in a jar, but when the work day is over, I become...


　
CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!

Wherever there is trouble (that I'm not causing,) I will not notice it! When disaster strikes, I'll be in a comfy chair, absorbed in a good book! When the world needs a hero, they can call on me--and my voice mail will get the message! And I rarely check my voicemail, for I am Captain Oblivious!

Hear my mighty battle cry: "What? When did this happen?"
　


Now that you know, please don't tell anybody. If my parents ever find out, they might not let me use their basement as my secret headquarters.
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Spent much of last week helping my parents move.
Hope to do some decent blogging soon.

And on top of everything else...

My coffee maker has started making toast!

The atomic lizard men got me a new coffee pot with a timer on it recently. It ran fine for a few days, but now it has stopped making coffee. Instead, as I previously stated, it has begun making toast!

Imagine: waking up in the morning to a steaming hot fresh cup of . . . toast! Nothing gets you going like the aroma of fresh-brewed . . . toast! The best part of waking up is . . . crisp, whole-grain wheat toast in your cup!

"Would you like some cream? Sugar?"
"No thanks. I'll just have some butter."

What a crumby way to start your day!

What I want to know is, where is the bread coming from? And how do I change the settings to, say, pumpernickel or bavarian rye?

Birthday Party at the Brain Lab!

Lio, yesterday.

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I actually did almost exactly this, a couple years ago, for a kids' Halloween Party. I have a brain-shaped jello mold (google "brain quiggle".) I put it in a large jar with a mixture of different flavored waters, added some orange and yellow dye until it looked sufficiently "medical," and labelled it "Abnormal Brain Punch" (an homage to "Frankenstein.")

A voice speaks from the shadows...

I was absent-minded all last week. I was also absent. This blog is becoming a tattered shred of its former glory (if it can truly be said to ever have had any.) My excuse this time is that I was attending a Mad Scientists Convention. As it turns out, this was not a gathering place for--as I had assumed--diabolical geniuses in the fields of medicine, genetics, atomic energy, and the like. No, in fact, these were mainstream workers in science who were simply angry. To my chagrin, what they were mostly angry about were mad scientists of the other variety.

I was all set to deliver my paper "Atomically-Enhanced Anthropomorphic Vegetables: Why Don't Rural Villagers Like Them?" with a brilliant excursus on my work with the asparagus people, when someone flung a test tube at my jar! Very unprofessional, but who could blame the occasional jealous non-traditional botanist?

However, after the third pocket protector laced with a mysterious yellow powder bounced off my lid, I realized that these were people who maintained inside-the-box thinking, and would never truly appreciate my contributions to the advancement of human knowledge. Fools! I'd shown them! I'd shown them all! And still they remained persistently close-minded! Why not just fling us back to the Dark Ages, you Cretins!
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We have fixed the leaking cracks in Allen's brain jar. We are binding our wounds, and intend to return, stronger than before. A debt of gratitude is owed to the Atomic Lizard-Men for their aid in this recent skirmish. Without their assistance, we might all have ended up as a side dish to a talking steak.

--The Asparagus People,

known from now on as

The Asparagustersons

Regular blogging may return soon

A breakthrough here at the lab may soon enable me to return to the blogosphere more regularly. The laptop is still out of commission. However, I have finally managed to get my proverbial hands on an old ENIAC, and have enabled it to surf the inter-webbings of the networked super-consciousnessness we typically call the 'Net. Having modified it thus significantly, I now call my new creation MANIAC*. It just has a satisfying ring to it, somehow. Sure, it's slow, but it's faster than the infinite number of monkeys in the dungeon next door. They're still using telegraphy, and their spelling is atrocious. So far, though, they have managed some impressive hacks in LOLCAT.

Does anyone know where I can purchase more vacuum tubes, by the way?

Hope to have some new Melvin very soon.
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*Mightily Atomic Numerical Integrator And Computer

And today in the brain lab...

We're going to learn to make plutonium from common household items. (stolen from "UHF")

I'm teaching Jr Hi Bible this afternoon at SCS and then all day on Monday.

The asparagus men are not reacting well to the cold weather treatment, nor to the asparagus women experiment. I am seriously considering giving them all a hot butter treatment, alongside a very large steak.

How would the world react to mutant goldfish that could breathe on land, I wonder. If I made them, say, 10-15 feet in length? What if I gave them legs and feet? Would that inspire terror in you puny bodied mortals? No? Then what if I outfitted them with Converse high-top sneakers?

Sounds crazy? PERFECT! AAAAAH-HAHAHAAAAA!

Allen's Brain post-roast

Sounds like a delicious recipe, doesn't it?

Thanks so much for all your kind words and well-wishing--especially that one reader who wished I was in a well.

Kinda' wish my people were a little less appreciative, sometimes. I didn't get into the business for recognition or acclaim. Those of you who know me best know that I much prefer to lurk in the inky shadows. . .

. . . or in my well-lit subterranean lab, trying to winterize the asparagus men. They claim they'd be less susceptible to the frost if I created some willowy asparagus women. The snake in the apple tree outside my window agrees with them. But of course, that would be madness!

"And what's wrong with madness?" asks the other Allen's brain in a jar.

"So, do I get time off for Thanksgiving?" asks Megan, transcribing fitfully while perched on the corner of my desk.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" asks the Atomic Lizard Man, pouring me another drink while he slowly metamorphoses into 'Enry the barkeep.

"Don't you think we've had enough?" ask the readers.

Wow! Have I been lazy!

Here it is Wednesday, and I'm just now getting around to posting.

Let me just say it's been a long couple of days and I'm more committed to sleep than this blog, apparently. Where ARE my priorities?

Oh. There they are. Under a pile of old pizza boxes. The Lizard Men really like pizza: anchovies and spinach, to be precise. And you thought it was just their horrible mutant-y breath!

Actually, without the aid of their diet, their breath typically smells like manila envelopes. That was quite unexpected, I assure you. When one creates horrid mutant beasts to do one's bidding, one is quite unnerved to find that--while they are terror-inducing to look at and exceedingly strong--their slavering maws smell like a mail room. However, it does have the added bonus of leading some folks to believe that my creations probably most recently devoured the contents of a UPS truck--driver included. This tends to make some people quite edgy. I'm not sure just why.

Having found my priorities, I will promptly ignore them.

Thank you, and have a dreadful afternoon. Goodbye.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

Where has Allen's Brain been?