Sinai. Archaeologists have uncovered a fragment of a stone tablet near the base of Mt Sinai. The tablet is of indeterminate age, but the Paleohebrew letters inscribed upon one side date it almost certainly to the time of Moses.
While complete analysis is pending, several scholars are already describing the fragment as a piece of the original Ten Commandments! While the words do not form a complete sentence, it appears to be an eleventh commandment reading,
“You shall not smash [these ta]blets in your anger.”
Showing posts with label Judaism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Judaism. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Purim 2013, "13th of Adar" (Reprise)
"13th of Adar" (Reprise)
They hanged Haman (Boo!) on gallows meant for Mordecai the Jew,
Who received the villain's house and office, too.
Xerxes then decreed the Jews fight back and loot their enemies,
And the date for this is surely known to you!
It was the 13th of Adar!
It was the 13th of Adar!
Purim's on 14th of Adar,
For the lot was cast, yet God did save them there!
And so it was that they all lived happily ever after, except for the household of Haman, who stopped living entirely. Since that time, every 14th of Adar, the Jews celebrate the events of the book of Esther in a holiday called Purim, which means "lots" or "dice," because the date Haman chose by casting lots became the day when God delivered his people!
Every Purim, they retell the story of Esther--often with much silliness. There's feasting and drinking; sending gifts of food to the poor; and the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or "Haman's ears" and small chocolate rabbits called "Esther bunnies."
They hanged Haman (Boo!) on gallows meant for Mordecai the Jew,
Who received the villain's house and office, too.
Xerxes then decreed the Jews fight back and loot their enemies,
And the date for this is surely known to you!
It was the 13th of Adar!
It was the 13th of Adar!
Purim's on 14th of Adar,
For the lot was cast, yet God did save them there!
And so it was that they all lived happily ever after, except for the household of Haman, who stopped living entirely. Since that time, every 14th of Adar, the Jews celebrate the events of the book of Esther in a holiday called Purim, which means "lots" or "dice," because the date Haman chose by casting lots became the day when God delivered his people!
Every Purim, they retell the story of Esther--often with much silliness. There's feasting and drinking; sending gifts of food to the poor; and the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or "Haman's ears" and small chocolate rabbits called "Esther bunnies."
Purim 2013, "And Humble Pie for Dessert"
Just then, the king's servants arrived to take Haman to the Esther's second banquet.
And Humble Pie for Dessert
(Amazing Grace)
The food was great, and all enjoyed
The meal on which they dined.
The king spoke up, "Now Esther, Dear,
Tell me what's on your mind."
The queen replied, "Here's what I want.
"My life please grant to me.
"We have been sold to be destroyed,
"I and my family."
"Who dares do this?" Xerxes inquired,
"Tell me the villain's name, an'
"I'll have his head!" The queen replied,
"The enemy is Haman!"
One more song to go!
And Humble Pie for Dessert
(Amazing Grace)
The food was great, and all enjoyed
The meal on which they dined.
The king spoke up, "Now Esther, Dear,
Tell me what's on your mind."
The queen replied, "Here's what I want.
"My life please grant to me.
"We have been sold to be destroyed,
"I and my family."
"Who dares do this?" Xerxes inquired,
"Tell me the villain's name, an'
"I'll have his head!" The queen replied,
"The enemy is Haman!"
One more song to go!
Purim 2013, "Yankee Haman"?
(tune: "Yankee Doodle")
Xerxes could not sleep that night, perhaps because of heartburn.
Bedtime stories didn't help, because of what the king learned.
Mordecai had saved his life from assassination,
And they never paid him back with honor or position!
"Is there anyone around?" the king asked. "Here is Haman."
T' ask that Mordecai be hung's the reason that he came in.
Haman, (Boo!) I need your help! Your advice I wanna.
What is to be done for one the king delights to honor?
Th' villain had an ego boost, "Of course, the king means ME."
"Dress that man in royal robes, and on a royal steed,
"Let a prince lead him around, and proclaim aloud,
" 'This is what is done for one of which the king is proud!' "
Xexes said, "I love that plan! That's just what I will do!
"Go now and do that very thing for Mordecai the Jew!"
Haman (boo!) did all of that, then to his wife bleated.
She said, "Mordecai's a Jew. They cannot be defeated."
Pray, continue this nonsense!
Xerxes could not sleep that night, perhaps because of heartburn.
Bedtime stories didn't help, because of what the king learned.
Mordecai had saved his life from assassination,
And they never paid him back with honor or position!
"Is there anyone around?" the king asked. "Here is Haman."
T' ask that Mordecai be hung's the reason that he came in.
Haman, (Boo!) I need your help! Your advice I wanna.
What is to be done for one the king delights to honor?
Th' villain had an ego boost, "Of course, the king means ME."
"Dress that man in royal robes, and on a royal steed,
"Let a prince lead him around, and proclaim aloud,
" 'This is what is done for one of which the king is proud!' "
Xexes said, "I love that plan! That's just what I will do!
"Go now and do that very thing for Mordecai the Jew!"
Haman (boo!) did all of that, then to his wife bleated.
She said, "Mordecai's a Jew. They cannot be defeated."
Pray, continue this nonsense!
Purim 2013, "Joy to Haman"
And so, emboldened with fasting and prayer, Esther went to see the king and plead for the lives of her people, the Jews. The king was pleased to see her, and extended his golden scepter to her. Perfect! And now to talk to the king about his decree!
"I've prepared a banquet, Your Majesty, and I've come to invite you and Haman to it." (That she risked her life to do this may say something about her cooking.)
"A whole banquet, just for the three of us?" asked the king.
"I'm pretty hungry," Esther said. "I haven't eaten in three days."
To which the king replied, "Oh. Is that one of those new diets that's supposed to lengthen your life?"
"Something like that," she said.
After dinner that night, King Xerxes asked the queen what she really wanted.
"Your Highness, I have a matter of utmost importance to speak with you about. Come to dinner tomorrow night -- just you and Haman"
"Joy to Haman"
(tune: "Joy to the World")
Joy to Haman! His world seems bright! He'd just dined with the king!
And then he saw old Mordecai, who wouldn't pay him any mind.
Which spoiled his evening. Which spoiled his evening.
Which spoiled, which spoiled his evening.
"Zeresh, my wife," said vile Haman, "My life with joy abounds."
"I'm wealthy and I have ten sons! Promoted over everyone!
"But still I wear a frown. Mordecai will not bow down.
"How can I enjoy my life when he's around?"
Zeresh replied, "Don't let that guy be such a thorn in your bonnet!
Have a gallows built so big and tall, that no one can miss it at all,
And have him hanged upon it. And have him hanged upon it.
And have him, and have him hanged upon it!
Next!
"I've prepared a banquet, Your Majesty, and I've come to invite you and Haman to it." (That she risked her life to do this may say something about her cooking.)
"A whole banquet, just for the three of us?" asked the king.
"I'm pretty hungry," Esther said. "I haven't eaten in three days."
To which the king replied, "Oh. Is that one of those new diets that's supposed to lengthen your life?"
"Something like that," she said.
After dinner that night, King Xerxes asked the queen what she really wanted.
"Your Highness, I have a matter of utmost importance to speak with you about. Come to dinner tomorrow night -- just you and Haman"
"Joy to Haman"
(tune: "Joy to the World")
Joy to Haman! His world seems bright! He'd just dined with the king!
And then he saw old Mordecai, who wouldn't pay him any mind.
Which spoiled his evening. Which spoiled his evening.
Which spoiled, which spoiled his evening.
"Zeresh, my wife," said vile Haman, "My life with joy abounds."
"I'm wealthy and I have ten sons! Promoted over everyone!
"But still I wear a frown. Mordecai will not bow down.
"How can I enjoy my life when he's around?"
Zeresh replied, "Don't let that guy be such a thorn in your bonnet!
Have a gallows built so big and tall, that no one can miss it at all,
And have him hanged upon it. And have him hanged upon it.
And have him, and have him hanged upon it!
Next!
Purim 2013, "You Must Tell Xerxes"
When the official announcement about the Adar 13th genocide was posted, Jews everywhere became mourning people--even in the afternoon! Mordecai himself went about the streets wailing loudly with a paper bag on his head. When Esther asked why, Mordecai told her he was grieving, and so he was dressed in sackcloth. Mordecai sent Esther a copy of the royal edit, and so began an exchange of messages between them.
"You Must Tell Xerxes"
(tune: "I Must Tell Jesus")
Mordecai:
You must tell Xerxes to change the edict.
He must revoke this senseless decree.
Plead for your people. He'll listen to you.
On pins and needles, Uncle Mordy.
You must tell Xerxes, You must tell Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Esther, if you don't go and see Xerxes,
We are in trouble. We're gonna die!
Esther:
Mordecai, you don't know how things work here.
You don't just barge in to see the king.
If I do that, he likely will kill me,
So, you see, I can't do anything.
I can't tell Xerxes, I can't go see him!
It's been a month since he called his wife!
But if he holds out his golden scepter,
When I see Xerxes, he'll spare my life.
Mordecai:
Esther, I know you live in the palace,
But when that day comes, you will die, too.
If you stay silent, Help will come later,
But all our fam'ly will die with you!
You must see Xerxes! You must see Xerxes!
Beg him to stop this horrible crime!
Perhaps you've been placed in this position,
So you can help us in such a time!
Esther:
Gather all Jews who live in the city,
Let us all fast for 3 days and nights
When it is done I'll go and see Xerxes,
And if he kills me, at least I tried.
I'll go see Xerxes, I'll go Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Though it's illegal, I will go to him.
I'll do my best. If I die, I die.
More Purim parodies lie ahead.
"You Must Tell Xerxes"
(tune: "I Must Tell Jesus")
Mordecai:
You must tell Xerxes to change the edict.
He must revoke this senseless decree.
Plead for your people. He'll listen to you.
On pins and needles, Uncle Mordy.
You must tell Xerxes, You must tell Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Esther, if you don't go and see Xerxes,
We are in trouble. We're gonna die!
Esther:
Mordecai, you don't know how things work here.
You don't just barge in to see the king.
If I do that, he likely will kill me,
So, you see, I can't do anything.
I can't tell Xerxes, I can't go see him!
It's been a month since he called his wife!
But if he holds out his golden scepter,
When I see Xerxes, he'll spare my life.
Mordecai:
Esther, I know you live in the palace,
But when that day comes, you will die, too.
If you stay silent, Help will come later,
But all our fam'ly will die with you!
You must see Xerxes! You must see Xerxes!
Beg him to stop this horrible crime!
Perhaps you've been placed in this position,
So you can help us in such a time!
Esther:
Gather all Jews who live in the city,
Let us all fast for 3 days and nights
When it is done I'll go and see Xerxes,
And if he kills me, at least I tried.
I'll go see Xerxes, I'll go Xerxes,
Plead for his mercy, and, maybe, cry.
Though it's illegal, I will go to him.
I'll do my best. If I die, I die.
More Purim parodies lie ahead.
Purim 2013, Haman's Song
Haman's Song
"And He Rolled 13th of Adar"
(tune: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder")
I just have no use for Mordecai, who will not bow to me,
For such flagrant disrespect I do not care!
So I'll cast the lot to pick a day to kill his family,
And his fellow Jewish people I won't spare.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
I must go at one to Xerxes with my angry diatribe,
And suggest that he decree we kill all Jews.
To make sure that this will happen I will offer him a bribe.
And I've rolled the dice to see which day to choose.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
Continue the story.
"And He Rolled 13th of Adar"
(tune: "When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder")
I just have no use for Mordecai, who will not bow to me,
For such flagrant disrespect I do not care!
So I'll cast the lot to pick a day to kill his family,
And his fellow Jewish people I won't spare.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
I must go at one to Xerxes with my angry diatribe,
And suggest that he decree we kill all Jews.
To make sure that this will happen I will offer him a bribe.
And I've rolled the dice to see which day to choose.
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar,
And he rolled 13th of Adar
As the day to kill all Jews and take their stuff.
Continue the story.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Purim 2013, "Mordecai, He's The Guy"
"Mordecai, He's The Guy"
(tune: "Near the Cross")
There was once a righteous Jew,
In the town of Susa,
He had raised his cousin, who
Had the name, Hadassah
Mordecai, he's the guy,
From the tribe of Benjamin.
Naturally, an enemy,
To the villain, Haman.(Boo!)
H'dassah, which means "myrtle tree,"
Also went by "Esther,"
For she was so beautiful.
No one would have guessed-er
That she, too, was a Jew,
When she joined the contest
For the fairest in the land,
Who'd be named "Her Highness."
Esther was soon made the queen,
Of the Persian nation,
And with help from Mordecai,
Stopped an assassination.
Two did plot, but got caught,
Thanks to Mordecai-i!
Xerxes never thanked him,
But we don't know why-y.
Xerxes honored Haman (Boo!)
With a huge promotion.
Made him second in command--
What a crazy notion--
And so now, all must bow.
Mordecai refu-used,
Haman (Boo!) soon sought to,
De-stroy all the Jew-ews.
Next Purim parody, please.
(tune: "Near the Cross")
There was once a righteous Jew,
In the town of Susa,
He had raised his cousin, who
Had the name, Hadassah
Mordecai, he's the guy,
From the tribe of Benjamin.
Naturally, an enemy,
To the villain, Haman.(Boo!)
H'dassah, which means "myrtle tree,"
Also went by "Esther,"
For she was so beautiful.
No one would have guessed-er
That she, too, was a Jew,
When she joined the contest
For the fairest in the land,
Who'd be named "Her Highness."
Esther was soon made the queen,
Of the Persian nation,
And with help from Mordecai,
Stopped an assassination.
Two did plot, but got caught,
Thanks to Mordecai-i!
Xerxes never thanked him,
But we don't know why-y.
Xerxes honored Haman (Boo!)
With a huge promotion.
Made him second in command--
What a crazy notion--
And so now, all must bow.
Mordecai refu-used,
Haman (Boo!) soon sought to,
De-stroy all the Jew-ews.
Next Purim parody, please.
Purim 2013, "Darling Vashti Mine"
If you have read my blog much over the years, you know I love the Jewish holiday of Purim, based on the book of Esther. Nearly every year, we have a comic re-telling of the story at Cornland C.C. I thought it'd be fun this year to include some song parodies for for all of us to sing.
Here's the first. My apologies.
*****
"Darling Vashti Mine"
(Tune of "Darling Clementine")
In the ancient Land of Persia,
Xerxes lived a life of ease,
Lots of gold and jewels and power,
And those week-long stag parties.
Oh the feasting, Oh the drinking,
Oh those lovely Persian wines!
Filling up those golden goblets,
Keep on drinking 'til you're blind!
Now Queen Vashti, she was lovely,
For her beauty was renowned.
Xerxes bade her come display her-
-self. "And wear the royal crown."
Vashti would not, Vashti could not.
She refused the king's command.
In his malice, from the palace,
Xerxes had Queen Vashti banned.
For the queen is a role model,
And as disobedient spouse,
All the wives will do as she did,
And no man will rule his house!
Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling,
Oh my Darling Vashti Mine,
You refused me, Now you lose me.
I'll replace you in no time!
On to the next Purim parody!
Here's the first. My apologies.
*****
"Darling Vashti Mine"
(Tune of "Darling Clementine")
In the ancient Land of Persia,
Xerxes lived a life of ease,
Lots of gold and jewels and power,
And those week-long stag parties.
Oh the feasting, Oh the drinking,
Oh those lovely Persian wines!
Filling up those golden goblets,
Keep on drinking 'til you're blind!
Now Queen Vashti, she was lovely,
For her beauty was renowned.
Xerxes bade her come display her-
-self. "And wear the royal crown."
Vashti would not, Vashti could not.
She refused the king's command.
In his malice, from the palace,
Xerxes had Queen Vashti banned.
For the queen is a role model,
And as disobedient spouse,
All the wives will do as she did,
And no man will rule his house!
Oh My Darling, Oh My Darling,
Oh my Darling Vashti Mine,
You refused me, Now you lose me.
I'll replace you in no time!
On to the next Purim parody!
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
The B'Midbar Diaries 3
Dear Diary,
When God first sent us this "bread from heaven," we called it "manna," which means "What is this stuff?" Weeks and months later, we're all asking ourselves "What is this stuff good for?" Sure, ya grind the manna pellets to flour and ya make bread with them. But that gets old. Manna pancakes for breakfast. Manna patties for lunch. Manna biscuits with manna gravy for supper, and manna cake for desert!
Just once, I'd like to wake up and have something else to eat besides manna! You know, like -- Well, I'm sure we could think of something...
*****
Hey Moses! Whatcha doin'?
Yes, I can see that you are writing. Very nice penmanship, by the way. What I meant was, what are you writing down? More burning bush stories?
Oh. Well, look, Moses -- just so we're clear about this -- the golden calf was not my idea!
Well... yeah. I did suggest the eyebrows would add a look of majesty to it, but I just wanted to -- you know -- support local artists, and all that...
Yes, I think we all agree, in retrospect, it was a very bad thing to do!
So, ya got a name for this book yet?
The Ten what? Commandments? Huh. Okay.
Well, sure, I like it alright, I guess. But do you think anyone's gonna want to the movie rights to something with THAT title?
*****
Okay, kids! Let's sing a song. What'll it be?
Manna in the morning,
Manna in the evening,
Manna at supper time...
Well, that certainly has possibilities! What? Sing what now?
Hava Nagi-what?
Nah, I've never heard of that one.
*****
Dear Diary,
Finally, a break from the mann-otony! (heh-heh)
Moses says it's time to celebrate Passover! Finally we get some meat! And herbs! Do you suppose we'll be having manna matzoh?
*****
When God first sent us this "bread from heaven," we called it "manna," which means "What is this stuff?" Weeks and months later, we're all asking ourselves "What is this stuff good for?" Sure, ya grind the manna pellets to flour and ya make bread with them. But that gets old. Manna pancakes for breakfast. Manna patties for lunch. Manna biscuits with manna gravy for supper, and manna cake for desert!
Just once, I'd like to wake up and have something else to eat besides manna! You know, like -- Well, I'm sure we could think of something...
*****
Hey Moses! Whatcha doin'?
Yes, I can see that you are writing. Very nice penmanship, by the way. What I meant was, what are you writing down? More burning bush stories?
Oh. Well, look, Moses -- just so we're clear about this -- the golden calf was not my idea!
Well... yeah. I did suggest the eyebrows would add a look of majesty to it, but I just wanted to -- you know -- support local artists, and all that...
Yes, I think we all agree, in retrospect, it was a very bad thing to do!
So, ya got a name for this book yet?
The Ten what? Commandments? Huh. Okay.
Well, sure, I like it alright, I guess. But do you think anyone's gonna want to the movie rights to something with THAT title?
*****
Okay, kids! Let's sing a song. What'll it be?
Manna in the morning,
Manna in the evening,
Manna at supper time...
Well, that certainly has possibilities! What? Sing what now?
Hava Nagi-what?
Nah, I've never heard of that one.
*****
Dear Diary,
Finally, a break from the mann-otony! (heh-heh)
Moses says it's time to celebrate Passover! Finally we get some meat! And herbs! Do you suppose we'll be having manna matzoh?
*****
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
B'Midbar Diaries 2
Dear Diary,
The inter-tribal beach valley ball tournament was very exciting -- while it lasted. Everything was going quite well until team Levi lost, and we had to stop using the tabernacle courtyard curtain as a net. No one else can go back there, y'know. I guess it's a good thing, though. The whole thing seemed to be making Moses and Aaron pretty nervous. And when Moses gets nervous, it's "Hello, plagues!"
At any rate, we'll have a formidable beach valley ball team, should we ever meet up with any other nations. Moses keeps dropping hints about the Canaanites being the ones to defeat in the Promised Land, so that sounds promising.
*****
Okay, kids, that's enough picking on one another! Let's play a game. No, really! It'll be fun! This is called the alephbet game. You go through the letters of the alephbet, and try to find things around you that begin with that letter. Okay, here we go!
Aleph! What begins with aleph? That's right! Aleph (cattle, oxen) begins with aleph!
How about Beth? Yes! Beth-Israel! (house of Israel) They're certainly all around us, aren't they? No such thing as privacy here, is there? Why, you can't even say something in your own tent without your inlaws and five other families hearing you! Boy, I tell you what --
Huh? Oh... right... the game. Gimel! What begins with gimel? Very good, Rachael! Gamal (camel) begins with gimel! Kinda looks like one, too, doesn't it?
*****
Dear Diary,
Leprosy is an incredibly icky disease! I wouldn't wish that on anybody! Note to self: remind the family to never make fun of Moses' wife!
The inter-tribal beach valley ball tournament was very exciting -- while it lasted. Everything was going quite well until team Levi lost, and we had to stop using the tabernacle courtyard curtain as a net. No one else can go back there, y'know. I guess it's a good thing, though. The whole thing seemed to be making Moses and Aaron pretty nervous. And when Moses gets nervous, it's "Hello, plagues!"
At any rate, we'll have a formidable beach valley ball team, should we ever meet up with any other nations. Moses keeps dropping hints about the Canaanites being the ones to defeat in the Promised Land, so that sounds promising.
*****
Okay, kids, that's enough picking on one another! Let's play a game. No, really! It'll be fun! This is called the alephbet game. You go through the letters of the alephbet, and try to find things around you that begin with that letter. Okay, here we go!
Aleph! What begins with aleph? That's right! Aleph (cattle, oxen) begins with aleph!
How about Beth? Yes! Beth-Israel! (house of Israel) They're certainly all around us, aren't they? No such thing as privacy here, is there? Why, you can't even say something in your own tent without your inlaws and five other families hearing you! Boy, I tell you what --
Huh? Oh... right... the game. Gimel! What begins with gimel? Very good, Rachael! Gamal (camel) begins with gimel! Kinda looks like one, too, doesn't it?
*****
Dear Diary,
Leprosy is an incredibly icky disease! I wouldn't wish that on anybody! Note to self: remind the family to never make fun of Moses' wife!
Monday, October 01, 2012
The B'Midbar Diaries
A Sukkot week special
*****
Dear Diary,
(Honey! Is "diary" spelled with one "yod" or two?)
I love the freedom from slavery! I love camping out under the stars. But after week number three, it's beginning to get old. Really, really old! I hate the blazing sun! I hate the sand -- which gets into everything and into places you don't ever recall exposing to the open air. I hate the stinky goat hair tent! And the sand fleas! I LOATHE the sand fleas! If Moses and Aaron had told me, "Come with us on vacation, and experience the wonder of sand fleas," I'd have stayed in Egypt!
*****
Hey, Moses! Yeah, back here, in the Issachar section! Hi. Um, look, I love the beach as much as the next guy, but are you aware that we left the sea behind us weeks ago?
Well, yes, I know we were slaves, but--
And the promised land. Right. Er, does it have a sea? Ah, thanks. And how long before we get there?
Uh huh. Y'know, back in Egypt, we had--
*****
Dear Diary,
Don't mention Egypt. Moses' invisible friend, God, doesn't like it.
Also, being swallowed alive by the earth looks like no fun at all.
*****
Okay kids! Let's play "I Spy!" Hannah, you want to go first? Okay...
I spy, with my little eye, right. Something that is--what? Oh, tan. Um... could it be... the sand?
It is? So, my turn now? Okay. I spy, with my little eye, something that is dark tan.
That's right! It's that slightly-darker patch of sand over there!
Wha? You're tired of I Spy, already? What, Simeon? Sure! What do you wanna sing? Sigh. Really? Sigh. Okay: (to the tune of "The Wheels On The Bus")
"The wheels on the chariots fall right off,
"Fall right off. Fall right off.
"The wheels on the chariots fall right off.
"(and) All th'Egyptians drowned!"
"The chariot's horses go neigh, neigh--Glug!
"Neigh, neigh--Glug! Neigh, neigh--Glug!
"The chariot's horses go neigh, neigh--Glug!
"(and) All th'Egyptians drowned!"
*****
Say, Moses? Are you sure you know where you're going?
He's leading us in the cloud? Well, how can you be sure you're following the right cloud?
No, I don't see any other clouds around. Good point, there... ahem.
Hey, Moses? Uh, while we're on the subject. Y'know how that cloud becomes a fire at night and sits over the Tent of Meeting? Look, could you tell God to be careful with that fire? I mean, it's really dry out here, and that tent could go right up in smoke -- and it was kinda hard to build!
Hmm? Well, sure! I KNOW he's God and all, but fire is fire, and -- Oh yeah?
With a bush, you say? Huh! Never heard that before! And it didn't burn up? That's kinda interesting! You should be writing this stuff down! It'd make for good reading later on -- Oh, you are?
*****
Dear Diary,
(Honey! Is "diary" spelled with one "yod" or two?)
I love the freedom from slavery! I love camping out under the stars. But after week number three, it's beginning to get old. Really, really old! I hate the blazing sun! I hate the sand -- which gets into everything and into places you don't ever recall exposing to the open air. I hate the stinky goat hair tent! And the sand fleas! I LOATHE the sand fleas! If Moses and Aaron had told me, "Come with us on vacation, and experience the wonder of sand fleas," I'd have stayed in Egypt!
*****
Hey, Moses! Yeah, back here, in the Issachar section! Hi. Um, look, I love the beach as much as the next guy, but are you aware that we left the sea behind us weeks ago?
Well, yes, I know we were slaves, but--
And the promised land. Right. Er, does it have a sea? Ah, thanks. And how long before we get there?
Uh huh. Y'know, back in Egypt, we had--
*****
Dear Diary,
Don't mention Egypt. Moses' invisible friend, God, doesn't like it.
Also, being swallowed alive by the earth looks like no fun at all.
*****
Okay kids! Let's play "I Spy!" Hannah, you want to go first? Okay...
I spy, with my little eye, right. Something that is--what? Oh, tan. Um... could it be... the sand?
It is? So, my turn now? Okay. I spy, with my little eye, something that is dark tan.
That's right! It's that slightly-darker patch of sand over there!
Wha? You're tired of I Spy, already? What, Simeon? Sure! What do you wanna sing? Sigh. Really? Sigh. Okay: (to the tune of "The Wheels On The Bus")
"The wheels on the chariots fall right off,
"Fall right off. Fall right off.
"The wheels on the chariots fall right off.
"(and) All th'Egyptians drowned!"
"The chariot's horses go neigh, neigh--Glug!
"Neigh, neigh--Glug! Neigh, neigh--Glug!
"The chariot's horses go neigh, neigh--Glug!
"(and) All th'Egyptians drowned!"
*****
Say, Moses? Are you sure you know where you're going?
He's leading us in the cloud? Well, how can you be sure you're following the right cloud?
No, I don't see any other clouds around. Good point, there... ahem.
Hey, Moses? Uh, while we're on the subject. Y'know how that cloud becomes a fire at night and sits over the Tent of Meeting? Look, could you tell God to be careful with that fire? I mean, it's really dry out here, and that tent could go right up in smoke -- and it was kinda hard to build!
Hmm? Well, sure! I KNOW he's God and all, but fire is fire, and -- Oh yeah?
With a bush, you say? Huh! Never heard that before! And it didn't burn up? That's kinda interesting! You should be writing this stuff down! It'd make for good reading later on -- Oh, you are?
Friday, March 09, 2012
Purim 2012 Shpiel links completed
You can now read the entire shpiel we plan on using Sunday.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
Just click here to begin, and keep clicking the "Next" links at the end of each post.
PNN Headline News, Purim 2012
This is PNN, Persian News Network. Here are today’s headlines.
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Haman the Agagite, prime minister of Persia is dead today. He was executed by impalement on the 75 foot gallows he’d had built for his enemy, Mordecai the Jew. He was charged with plotting the death of Queen Esther and her family. In the minutes before his death, the official complained of stabbing pains in his chest and abdomen.
In related news, Mordecai has been promoted to the office of prime minister.
As you know, the laws established by Median and Persian kings cannot be revoked, and King Xerxes today upheld that legal precedent. The Adar 13th Holocaust will continue on schedule. However, the king has issued a sort of counter decree, that Jews in every province take up arms and assemble on that same day to oppose all who would try to destroy them.
In the future, this date will be celebrated by Jews as Purim, which is Hebrew for “lots” or “dice” since Haman cast lots to pick Adar 13th as the date to destroy the Jews, but which instead became a great victory for the Jewish people. Celebrations will take the form of feasting and drinking, sending gifts of food to the poor, the eating of triangular cookies called Hamentashen, or “Haman’s ears” and small chocolate rabbits called “Esther bunnies.”
Folger's Crystals, Purim 2012
Esther: I’ve replaced our regular coffee with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see who notices.
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
*****
Next
King: Wow, that meal was really good, Honey. And your coffee is good, as always.
Esther: Well, actually, that’s not my regular coffee. It’s Folger’s Crystals!
Haman: This is instant? I’d never have known! Just like that pizza we ate!
King: You mean the one that wasn’t delivery; it was DiGiorno? And how about that margarine?
Haman: I STILL can’t believe it’s not butter!
(They all laugh)
King: I wonder if there’s anything else that isn’t what it seems to be!
Esther: Well, remember how I wanted to ask you for something?
King: Of course.
Esther: Well, I want you to save my life and the lives of my people–because, you see, I’m Jewish!
Haman: (spit take)
King: What? Who would want to kill you and your family?!
Esther: (pointing) That. Wicked. Haman.
Haman: (another spit take)
King: You know, Haman. You’re always saying we should hang out more. I think YOU SHOULD!
*****
Next
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Special Report 2, Purim 2012
This is Special Report, with Wolf Blitzkrieg!
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. A strange procession is currently taking place in the capitol city! As I speak to you, Mordecai the Jew is being led on horseback through the city streets, dressed in royal robes. The horse is apparently one of the king’s own choice steeds, and the man leading the horse is shouting, “This is what is done for the man the king delights to honor!” What is truly stunning about all of this, is that the man leading the horse and making the announcement is none other Prime Minister Haman!
We have known for some time that there was a great deal of ill will between Mordecai and Haman, so we contacted our sources inside the palace. You may remember some time back that Mordecai foiled an assassination plot against the king. Last night, the king decided to repay him. When he asked Haman what should be done to honor someone special, this is what the prime minister came up with. It seems likely that Haman was hoping that this procession would be bestowed upon him, and not his worst enemy.
Haman (entering): And that’s the last of the streets! Zeresh, my wife, you’ll never believe the day I’ve had!
Zeresh: And what did you expect? Your enemy Mordecai is Jewish! They always come out on top! Oh look! Here comes the limo to take you to the palace for dinner! Have a good time, Dear!
Wolf: You heard it here, folks. It has been a very trying day for Haman! In Shushan, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
Royal Bedtime Stories, Purim 2012
And now it’s time for Royal Bedtime Stories! That special time where we read from the palace records to help put tired kings into a deep, deep sleep!
Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
*****
Next
Tonight, we’ll be reading the exciting story of Bigthan and Teresh!
Bigthan and Teresh, They guarded the door.
Bighthan and Teresh, the king did abhor.
They had a plot to put the king in his grave.
But they were caught by Mordecai the Brave.
Bigthan, he wept, and to Teresh he said,
“We shouldn’t have done that. That’s why we are dead!”
The end.
Nighty-Night, Your Majesty.
*****
Next
Sandusky & Associates, Purim 2012
Have you been the recent victim of shame? Embarrassment? Humiliation?
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Haman: It was the best AND worst day of my life. I had been to dinner with the king and queen, and invited to come back the next night. Then I ran into my enemy, Mordecai, and he still refused to bow to me. My wife advised that I have a 75-foot gallows built to hang Mordecai on. That’s when I called Sandusky & Associates.
Sandusky & Associates are expert builders of gallows and impaling pikes. Even if you have unrealistic expectations, we will go to work for you and guarantee your satisfaction. Just call 1-800-WE HANG U. That’s 1-800-WE HANG U. It won’t cost a shekel to see if we can help you realize your dreams of revenge!
*****
Next
Special Report, Purim 2012
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this very special report!
I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg, here at the palace in Shushan, where Queen Esther has just OUTRAGEOUSLY broken with royal protocol! Now, as we all know, you don’t barge in to the oval office unannounced and uninvited. That’s a surefire way to lose your life!
However, ignoring all that risk, the queen has done precisely that! Just a few moments ago, Esther marched into the throne room, intent on speaking to the king. You folks at home may remember from Civics class that all is not necessarily lost for the queen. There IS a stipulation–a loophole, if you will--that if you approach the king uninvited, but he extends his royal scepter to you, you are permitted to speak with him. Otherwise, it’s all over for Her Highness.
Let’s watch.
There’s the king, on his throne, and the queen is approaching now. Will she be executed for her breach of protocol? No, the king seems happy to see her. He has extended the golden scepter towards the queen. No, wait! That’s not the royal scepter! It’s--a rubber chicken! Is this some kind of joke? Wait, the king is about to speak.
King: Rise, Queen Esther! Sorry about the chicken. The golden scepter is at the royal polisher. You look great, by the way! Have you lost weight?
Esther: Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything in three days.
King: Oh. So... What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm... I’ve just finished cooking a scrumptious meal. Why don’t you and Haman come over for dinner?
King: Sounds good to me!
Wolf: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very baffling conclusion to what began so dramatically. It seems that the queen broke all the rules of palace decorum just to tell her husband that dinner was ready! I’ll be here the rest of the day, to report to you if anything exciting or unusual comes out of this. I can’t imagine what it would be, though.
From Palace Hill, I’m Wolf Blitzkrieg.
*****
Next
"All God's Children" soap opera parody for Purim 2012
Narrator: We now return to “All God’s Children”:
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
(Mordecai is crying loudly, “We’re all gonna die!” “What’ll we do?” etc, while wearing a paper bag on/over his head)
Esther: Mordecai, what are you doing?
Mordecai: Can’t you see I’m in mourning?
Esther: But it’s 3 in the afternoon!
Mordecai: No! Not “morning”! “Mourning”!
Esther: I–still don’t understand.
Mordecai: I’m grieving! Can’t you see I’m wearing sackcloth? (Indicates paper bag)
Esther: Oh, I wondered about that. But what are you so upset about?
Mordecai: Haven’t you heard? I have less than a year to live! (Dramatic pause)
Esther: (gasp!)
Mordecai: We all do! Haman has convinced the king to have the Jews annihilated! Eradicated! Killed off, even!
Esther: That’s horrible! I wish there was something I could do!
Mordecai: There is. Esther, you’ve got to go to His Highness, and plead for mercy for our people!
Esther: I would, but–you don’t just go see Xerxes uninvited! He has to call YOU. And he executes unwelcome visitors!
Mordecai: But you’re his wife!
Esther: I know. But the truth is (sniff), our marriage hasn’t been going well. He hasn’t asked to see me in a month! I think there may be–another woman! (Covers face and sobs)
Mordecai: Esther, you have to try! If you don’t, God will still work out a way to save his people, but don’t think just because you live in the palace, you’ll be spared.
Esther: But I’ve followed your instructions. I never told anyone I’m Jewish!
Mordecai: Esther, you light Sabbath candles. You only eat kosher. Someone’s bound to figure it out eventually. Maybe you have come into your royal position for just such a time as this!
Esther: Okay, I’ll do it! But for the next three days, have all the Jews pray and go without food. Then I’ll go see the king. And if I die, I die.
Mordecai: Three days with no food? That’s a long time!
Esther: Don’t worry. It’ll be a FAST three days!
***
Narrator: Next time, on “All God’s Children”:
King: What is your request, My Queen?
Esther: Ummmm...
*****
Next
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